Hey guys! I'm back again with no progress! It's okay though, I'm not beating myself up about it because I've been really busy and I've been struggling with my anxiety so I've been putting myself first. Sometimes we need to focus on our daily lives and mental health and that's okay!

On a slightly less positive note, I feel like I need to get real for a minute. Prepare for kinda long dramatic angst.

Awhile ago I mentioned that I have a friend who kinda ditches me for guys. Well she hasn't dated any since August and we were really close at the beginning of the school year. Then in mid-Oct (when I finally got my driver's license!) she started hanging out more with one of her other friends. I'm totally cool with that and I like this other friend. We're acquaintances and I talk to her for probably ~20 mins a day.

What bothered me was that she stopped talking to me. About two weeks later she had me spend the night at her house to celebrate her birthday and that was the last time we hung out: late October.

She talked about going dress shopping together for our school's semi formal that takes place mid-Nov and I was trying to find a date that worked. A day or two later I found out she already had a dress because the day after she asked me she went dress shopping with the other friend (coincidentally this is exactly what happened with prom dress shopping last year).
I asked her to hang out over break because we both got jobs in Nov (I'm facing my fears!!!).

I basically said 'it's been forever since I've seen you!'

And she was like, 'yeah! We need to hang out! I miss you'

I said, 'are you free anytime soon'

And she said, 'lol idk im busy'

I know part of me is reading too much into it, but wow it hurts. I've always been so anxious about putting myself out there so when something like that happens it really gets to me.

When things are going well between us I feel so happy, but the rest of the time it just causes me stress and she can be so draining.

We haven't had a real conversation in 3 months and it's really getting to me, especially with all of the exam and scholarship stress.

It's currently 10:30 and I just got finished crying because with every friendship I put in more effort and put myself out there more, only for them to find something better and leave me. My mom keeps telling me that it will get better and I'll meet someone, but when???

How many more times do I have to basically bare my soul and be vulnerable only to have them walk out? Cause it hurts more every time.

I tried telling my mom how alone I felt a little bit ago and she basically told me it will get better someday. I wasn't reassured and she told me that now isn't the time because there are bigger priorities that need my focus like my exam tomorrow and my scholarship essay.

I know that she's sick and pretty tired because it's getting late, but it wasn't the support I was looking for.

I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling really alone right now. My 'best friend' doesn't really even care about me, so what's the point?

I know it's just my insecurities, but I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Like, am I that boring? Am I so bland and insignificant that no one wants to talk to me or be my friend?

All I want is someone I can trust and text and who makes me feel like they care about my feelings and opinions. People who make me laugh and feel like I matter. Is this too much to ask?

The only reason I still try to maintain our friendship is because I have pretty much no one else at school and I don't want to be completely alone for the last 4 months.

I'm just feeling so small and lonely right now. Part of it's the stress, but I feel like nothing matters and I'll never be truly happy. It's dumb, but I can't help it. I just feel so empty and meaningless 90% of the time.

Sorry for the angsty rant, I just needed someone to listen to how I really felt without judging me. This is not how I want to spend the last few hours of my eighteenth birthday.