Hey you guys. It's been forever since I've been on here and it breaks my heart that basically all of you are gone now. I haven't been very active since December/January, but honestly it's been since last August if we're looking at when I was last TRULY active.

I have a lot to say so this is gonna be super long, so buckle up and thank you in advance.

PART ONE: Explanations
I know people don't always like excuses so I'm not gonna give you those. I'm offering explanations (read: disguised excuses).

You see memes all the time about how junior year sucks and is, by far, the worst year of high school. I'm here to tell you not to listen to memes. Listen to me, someone with experience.

2018-2019 was my junior year.

It sucks and is, by far, the worst year of high school.

I had more difficult classes, but those weren't too bad. What really got me was college stress and friend drama.

I have no idea what I want to study and have no clue where I want to go to college. Did I mention that I need to start sending applications in before November???

Yeah. Life is stressful.

My anxiety really took over and I withdrew into myself a lot. There are so many of you on here that have always offered to talk to me if I need it and it's my fault for not taking you up on that. Part of that is because of my social anxiety. I know it's ridiculous but I'm so scared that I'll come across as awkward and that you guys will see more of the real me. I'm scared of showing you guys who I really am, of you seeing something else besides this carefully constructed persona I am on this site.

I grew up in a small town. Everyone knows each other. That means the other people my age decided who I was by the time we were ten and I've never had the courage to shake it. The person I am on here is more like the person I want to be. It's all of the good parts of who I am today without the nerves and constant anxiety that I live with it the real world.

I know it's not true, but part of me is scared that if I showed you guys that other side of me, or even just an awkward side of me, that you'd all leave.

That brings me to the friend drama.

I've never kept a best friend for long. As the years go on, I've become more reserved with my friends because so many of them have left in the past and I'm scared it will happen again.

Almost five years ago I became very close, and quickly best friends, with the girl who is still my best friend. She's also one of my only irl friends(I think there's four or five total, but I'm not close with any of them except one--and we're not bff close).

In December/January I started writing a piece about her and all the things she'd been unintentionally putting me through. I kept adding to it up through March. It's literally almost 6,000 words and spams my early friendships, then our relationship over the past 3 years.

I was gonna post it on here and see what you guys thought about the situation. (Maybe if any of you want to read it I'll add the last few months and share it privately, bc advice is important, but just like her I don't think I'd follow it very well).

Then I kept reading it and thought she came across as really mean in it, which I promise you she's not! I think that happened because I was writing from a place of hurt from how she's treated me.

But then something happened in February and I couldn't post it. Besides, her behavior turned around. She's one of those people that you're super close to and have never felt more supported when she's there, but she kinda floats around a bit and isn't always there.

I'll give you the short version. She has a habit of getting into controlling(or in one case, emotionally abusive) relationships. She's so in love and doesn't see what's wrong with the guy.

I predict the end result within the first week without even meeting him. She doesn't listen. She becomes obsessed with him and has no grasp on what's going on if it doesn't involve him. I'm all alone and she forgets I exist.

Then my prediction comes true, she comes running back all distraught and hurt. I comfort her and she tells me she was a terrible friend and it'll never happen again. Within a month or two she'll find a new guy.

I've also told her that, even though I'm saving dating until college, I am self-conscious about how no guy has ever liked me or asked me out. She's had 3.5 relationships in the past 15 months along with 2 serious pursuers and 3-4 other guys express interest.

Knowing my insecurity she sits there, fresh out of her 2nd relationship in six months with a crush who likes her back and has asked her out and is currently texting her, and complains. She asks me why no guys ever like her and tells me she'll be alone forever and 'why can't someone just tell her she's pretty?'.

Like, girl, WHAT????

Like we were supposed to go to prom together, just the two of us, and some guy asked you to go with him. You don't have feelings for him and aren't friends outside of school but you say yes??? "Only as long as it's just as friends and also I'm going with my friend Anna, and she comes first."

Yet I'm still third wheeling as we wait for your dad to pick us up at 10:45 PM. I'm standing in the rain, trying to walk in my heels, and you've got his jacket on and you're holding his arm so you can walk better. You're taking and laughing and are 15 feet away before you realize that I almost tripped over the hem of my dress and am no longer right behind you.

GIRL.

So yeah. Recently the two of us have been doing well, but this is the pattern with her so we'll see how it goes.

OKAY.

PAUSE.

So we just got a weather alert and it turns out my county is on of two that is now in a tornado warning. They said there's a good chance that a tornado will form and in case that happens and a tornado comes through here, I want to get this posted.

I know that my two guaranteed readers are from the south so this probably isn't too big to you, but I live in Michigan. This doesn't happen here.

Again, I'm going to end this here, even though I have tons more to say. I'm doing that in case I lose power or something and never talk to any of you again.

I'll keep working on my other points in a separate chapter and once this weather blows past, I'll post it and update you guys on my wellbeing and all that.

I promise to update as soon as possible and if you don't hear from me in the next week, you all were so amazing and I love you and am so grateful for you and I'm sorry that we couldn't talk more.

*Please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes. I obviously had no time to edit this.*