This Oc belongs to @inkfern- 

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Warning: This review contains spoilers for the owner's book about this character. Proceed with caution if you are interested in the story.

Name: Koi
Cool!

Past names: Koikit, Koipaw, Koipool
Oh, so they're from a clan. I wonder what territory they live in to have koi.

Name reason: The Koi part comes from the splashes of black, grey, orange and amber on her pelt. The pool comes from how sweet and calm she is, like a small pool
Okay, makes sense.

Appearance: A tortoisheshell and white she-cat with pale greenish-yellow eyes. She is thin-furred and sleek, making her popular around the toms.
The "popular" part sounds weird to me, I'd prefer if she was just described as pretty or something. Besides that the base is actually really nice, but could use more detail.

Gender: She-cat

Age: 32
K

Personality: She is very quiet and doesn't like to speak up unless someone is being a bully to one of her friends. She doesn't speak up for herself. She is smart and enthusiastic, though because of her shy character, she doesn't show it.
This is fine, but a little boring, I'd like more detail.

Sexuality: Pansexual
Nice!

Clan: CrystalClan, a Clan on the left side of a sparkling silver river. Their territory is dotted with pools of crystal water, where they prey on the koi fish who swim inside. The founder still lives today, once a rogue, Crystalstar found herself a mate and started CrystalClan.
Interesting, I like the river and pool part, but I'd like to know more about them as well. What's the territory around the river like, what's there culture? How would they be stereotyped?

Also, I think it's a little odd that the original leader is still there, it kind of forces the structure of the clan to be not fully solidified, unlike a clan of many generations. Also who are the cats Crystalstar recruited for the clan, besides her mate and later kits?

Rank: Rogue
I thought so

Kin: Her mother was Leafmold, a sickly white she-cat with amber and black spots.
Sickly? Was she always sick or is just now as an older cat sick? Also, what's her eye color?

Her father was Sun, a pale yellow tabby tom with brown eyes, a rogue who lives on the other side of the river.

She had one brother, Speckledfin, a tom with a white main coat(like Koipool) and amber and brown spots with pale green eyes. He died saving his sister.
Interesting he died saving her.

I don't have much of an opinion on any of the descriptions, because they're all pretty boring to me and could be given more detail.

Crush: Sterlingsilver, an athletic silver tom with white swirly markings on his coat, along with a white belly and blue eyes. He's a warrior of LeafClan Koi had met when chasing a rat accidently into LeafClan territory.
Sterling?? How the heck is he named after a metal, unless he was a Kittypet or Rogue before. And of course it's forbidden romance.

Also, I am weak for white marbled striped, I have one Oc with those and I adore the design choice (done well of course).

Mate: X

Kits: X
No comment

Mentor: Palestorm, a pale grey tom with blue eyes, the son of Crystalstar
Hm, I still would like better if the clan was older and maybe Palestorm was a descendant of Crystalstar (great grandson or something).

Apprentice: Before Koipool left, she mentored a grey and black she-cat with amber eyes called Wrenpaw. She thought Wrenpaw was full of promise.
Okay

Backstory: Although she was very popular, Koipool's only TRUE friend was her brother. Speckledfin always supported her and never lied about anything.
Sibling bond!!

Koipool had always been ridiculed by her mentor, because, like his father and mother, he hated rogues.
Okay, so I'm guessing there's some other cats who have bias against her because of her lineage.

Palestorm would do anything to show his hate of Koipool's family.
I can already tell this is going to annoy me. In Warrior Cats, seldom do cats make their political beliefs unknown, and even if Cyrstalstar didn't realize at first he hated Koipaw, later this should've become obvious and Koipaw should've switched mentors immediately.

It was morning when she had woken up to find Palestorm racing inside the apprentices' den,"Koipaw, rogues are attacking the camp!" He had said. Koipaw immediately jumped up and raced outside, just to find her father Sun sharing tongues with her mother.
Wait, so Sun joined the Clan? That wasn't made clear. Also why didn't he take a warrior name to be better accepted?

She could hear Palestorm sniggering behind her.
This is honestly gross and innapropriate behavior. For a grown warrior to treat his apprentice this way, as a peer he dislikes instead of stepping up and taking his role as a mentor and important guiding figure in her life, he should be removed immediately from the position. If he has the audacity to pull "pranks" and bully Koipaw in front of her own parents and the clan, then the leader should take action and give Koipaw a new mentor so she can grow and leave properly. Seriously, this disgusts me so much.

When Koipaw finally became a warrior, she thought she could escape the ridicule, she thought wrong. She was on her way to the den to take a nap when Palestorm burst through the camp entrance, his shiny coat smeared with blood. Crystalstar, who was speaking with her deputy, Bigsun,
PFFFT. BIG SUN.

had shot towards Palestorm."My son! Who did this to you?"
Wait, so he's not even a descendant?! He's immediate family to Crystalstar :/

She asked, her often harsh voice full of concern. Palestorm looked angry, "We met Sun near the river. He looked agitated and then suddenly leapt at me, his claws unsheathed. He tried to kill me, but I fought bravely and his body was the one laying in the mud." Palestorm spat.
Dang, murder

Koipool felt all her sheepishness disappear. Tears ran down her cheeks and her heart sagged. "NO!" She screamed, running towards Palestorm and Crystalstar."YOU KILLED HIM!!! I KNOW YOU DID!" She hissed at Palestorm. Palestorm spat in her face and leapt away disdainfully.
I hate Palestorm.

Crystalstar turned her head to Koipool,"Do not blame Palestorm just because he didn't like Sun! We should've never let him in our Clan. StarClan knows, all rogues are untrustworthy-""Really?" A brave voice meowed behind Koipool. Koipool turned around to see Speckledfin striding towards them."Really, Crystalstar? All rogues are untrustworthy?" He growled a challenge as he seated himself protectively beside Koipool, their flanks pressed together. "I distinctly remember you being a rogue yourself. Everyone says so. How can we trust you? You were once a rogue." He bared his teeth. Crystalstar's pupils narrowed and she bared her teeth in a threat before padding away.
The leader really just let a new warrior talk to her like that without even saying anything back -.-

"Thank you." Koipool weeped into her brother's shoulder. Speckledfin rasped his tongue over Koipools ear before murmuring sorrowfully, "I'm sorry, Koipool. Palestorm lied about Sun attacking him. I was there, I saw it all. Me and Metalshard
Metalshard is a terrible name. I suppose if they were once a rouge/kittypet it could work, but still.

had joined Palestorm on the patrol." He lowered his head and his green eyes bore into her amber ones.
If Palestorm wanted to kill Sun, why would he do it while on patrol with 2 other cats, one of them being Sun's own kit.

"Come with me. I must show you the truth." He stood up and sulked out of camp.
Why isn't Speckledfin telling this to Crystalstar??? I get that she's probably biased right now, but she'd be a really shit leader if she won't listen to a testimony from her other clan members that includes proof.

Koipool blinked away her tears and padded out of camp, overcome by curiosity. Her heart stopped when she saw a golden tabby body lying on the ground, dappled with flecks of grass and drops of blood, his blood."Is that..." She murmured. Speckledfin nodded,"That's Sun. He had met us while marking the willows by the grove. He asked Palestorm if you and mother were okay. Before Palestorm could spit a retort, I had said we were fine, but mother was ill. Then, he asked if he could visit and spend the night.
So, he only visits the clan. Nice.

By that time, Palestorm's fur was all bristly and his claws were unsheathed. 'Oh, sure. You can stay the night...OUTSIDE'!!!" Speckledfin stopped, he was now trembling uncontrollaby.
Palestorm killed Sun in front of two people, and both people decided to not tell their leader or any other figure of authority. Makes sense.

"Please, go on." Koipool meowed. "It was terrible. Blood spilled everywhere and...Palestorm didn't just kill Sun, he literally ripped out his throat. Bones, veins, blood. Everything. I felt bile rise in my throat. The whole time, me and just watched, not knowing what to do.
BRUH WHAT. His own father is getting killed and he just stands there?? I know shock but like- they're warriors! Trained to fight!

But, the worst thing was...I could've done something about it." Speckledfin hung his head. Koipool pressed her nose to his, "And defy Palestorm? He'd have your head! Thank you for telling me, Speckledfin."
Why isn't Palestorm just deputy at this point, like honestly. He can just casually murder cats and apparently get away with it.

Speckledfin nodded. Koipool stared at her paws, "If I thought Palestorm hated me before, I was wrong. I'm next."
Koipool said that?? But doesn't Speckledfin supposedly die saving her? Where's the rest!

Review:

Appearance/Personality:
One thing that actually kind of confused me is that her name is literally Koi, so I keep thinking she's a calico (especially because in the name reason it says "splashes" of color on her pelt), but she's actually described as a tortoiseshell and white cat. This is more of a personal thing rather than criticism, but it's something to think about.

Anyways, the rest of her appearance is simple, but fine. I think it's interesting that her having "thin fur" is considered attractive in her clan and I'd like to know why. Usually thick fur is preferred from what I've seen. It say's she's thin so I assume she's probably pretty light and small as well. Just add more detail to her description basically, her eye color is pretty, but more stuff about her physical type and maybe where her tortoiseshell and white parts would be good.

Clan:
Okay, time to talk about CrystalClan. I'm actually surprised at how charming I found it to be, which I didn't think would happen because usually names like that annoy me, but for some reason I'm a little enamored with this idea. First off, CrystalClan is very young. The founder is still alive, which to me, just seems unnecessary. I would have it so that the current leader is at least 5 or so from the original leader, but honestly I would still go further than that. Unless the clan being young somehow ties into the story (which honestly I don't think it does) then having an older more established clan allows you to add a more developed personality for them. Things that could be unique to them, like how they court each other, what they use as bedding, etc. I would also like more detail about the territory and the types of cats who live there. Now, I don't really know where you could find Koi in the wild, but I'm pretty sure they're a Japanese fish so you could play around with that. Use more Japanese breeds that appear in your clan and tell me more about the general physical features the cats have developed with for their territory (something you can't really do with a young clan). For the territory, knowing where/what all their borders are and the extra things they have to eat or places they can go to would also be a really nice detail. Basically I want this clan to be more developed and unique, because I feel like it has a lot of potential.

That's all for this section! Sorry if that ended kind of abruptly haha.

Backstory:
First of all, I want to mention that her crush, kithood, and brother dying were not mentioned at all in the backstory, the last one being because it wasn't actually finished, but you get my point. I'm sure you already know what exactly go cut out because of the unfinished backstory, so I'm simply going to focus on the parts I did get.

I hate Palestorm. I'm gonna start with him, because I really can't stand stories in which adults are allowed to behave like this, especially towards children/minors. Reminds me quite a bit of Snape from Harry Potter, which drove me crazy because his phycological abuse/harassment of children was never addressed or punished either. Basically, change it. I don't care if the leader allows it or whatever because he's her son, because surely someone in the clan was uncomfortable/upset with his behavior and reported it, or else their a really unobservant/uncaring group of cats. At least have Koipaw get an unofficial new mentor who actually teaches her when Palestorm doesn't, or she joins in with a friend's training a lot.

I also am disappointed we didn't get to see really anything about Koipaw's realtionship with her parents. We know she's close with her brother, and obviously loved her father since she was so upset about his death, but still. Just a little explanation before she became an apprentice would be nice.

I think the overall plot of Palestorm being after her family and killing her father is pretty good, but since there's very little backstory to work with I don't have much advice away from the stuff I've already given. I'd be interested to know what the rest was supposed to be.

Thanks, for entering! Clear up anything in the comments if you like, since I know the backstory was probably you forgetting to finish it. Also I would like to add, when I come out with my new Oc Rater I would love for you to re-enter Koipool! :)