This Oc belongs to @xXToastNotHereXx

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Name: Honeydawn
Very pretty!! I love the aesthetic of this name.

Past names: Honeykit, Honeypaw
Makes sense.

Name reason
Prefix: Honey for her pale yellow pelt

Suffix: Dawn, for a beginning of light and hope
So "beginning of light and hope" as in her parents saw her as that or...?

Appearance: A pale yellow pelt with soft, light brown marking around her scarred eyes, a splat of brown is sloshed onto her scratched up back. Her tail has brown stripes circling around it. She no longer has eyes (as said earlier) in further depth, she has no eyes in her eye sockets, her eye lids droop closed as around her eyes has many scars. (A drawing can show this a lot better)
This is fine and all, but in the drawing there isn't any brown. Her description should be changed to say "darker yellow" or just that she's basically a tabby. Also her pelt looks really fluffy and thick in the picture, but there isn't many mention of that. Size and other details could also be included.

Personality: She is a very sensitive cat by heart. She doesn't like to bring others down so she always gives them a sweet smile while on a bad day, though she herself is a very self conscious cat. Her thoughts on herself are negative, she thinks she looks like a monster, not seeing her beauty on the inside. She carries other cats problems on her shoulders all the time, making her anxious. The only time she opens up is to her mate. Helping others does indeed make a smile on her face but she needs to learn how to help herself first.
Alright, so she's kind of the epitome of a bleeding heart.

Gender: female
K

Age:87 moons
That's a lot older than I expected :0

Sexuality: straight UwU
Kk

Clan: Riverclan
Oooh, I thought she would be ThunderClan

Rank: Queen
Permanent I'm guessing?

Mother:
Lillyflight: A pale grey she-cat, her silky fur drags on the floor as she strides with wisdom and strength. Her amber eyes glistened like the sunset. Rings of darker grey fur rapped around her long tail. (Died of old age, she lives in starclan)
That's a very nice base, but I think a bit more detailed could be added. I do like the immediate impression I get from her though.

Father:
Minnowleap: A ragged old Tom, a pale old yellow pelt that sags lightly of his skeleton. he has the dullest, blind, grey eyes. Minnowleap seems to be at the verge of death everyday. Minnowleap has golden brown stripes all around his torso, a small dip of white at his bottom jaw.
This must be wear Honeydawn gets her pelt color, and the her apparent fluffiness from her mother (based on the drawing).

Mate:
Screechstar: He had a muscular build, his shaggy plain gray pelt puffs out in random places. He has big amber eyes like a screech owl.
Mates with a leader honestly seems unnecessary but eh 🤷‍♀️. His description is pretty bland to me.

Kit:
Shallowgaze- he is a grey Tom with black markings on his eyes, they look exactly like his mothers but somehow more sharper looking. He also has markings on his tail. He has amber eyes like his father.
Hmm, I don't really like this name. Maybe because it implies he's shallow??

Also, I'm surprised she only has one kit since that's usual in cats, and she apparently likes parenting so much she became a queen so I wonder why she didn't have a second litter.

Mentor: Raindip- a bluish grey She-cat with long silky fur, she has green eyes and her face is fully black and so is her tail.
Very cool appearance, but her suffix is a little off putting for be. Maybe Rainpool or Rainshade would be better if it's referencing her black markings? Also since her face and tail are black I imagine she's a color point cat.

Apprentice: No apprentice, the accident happened at a young age, and she felt like she wasn't ready for a app,
Aw, sad but makes sense.

Friends:
Raindip: (u already know what she looks like) Even though Raindip is an elder now the two shecats gossip
That's nice :3

DewClatter: a muscular white and grey shecat her fur is short, with blue eyes,
Dewclatter is also a very interesting name, I'm noticing a trend here. This is just my personal preference, but I like using more traditional sounding names so Dewripple or Dewspot.

Backstory: When HoneyDawn was a apprentice she always stayed close to her mentor  sitting next to her listening to Raindip and another warrior talk and once in a while join the conversation.
I'm surprised her mentor wouldn't get annoyed at her for always tagging along, she does have a personal life after all.

But a few days before her assessment the medicine cats announced that Starclan wasn't speaking to them,
Were they asking for something specific?? It's not like StarClan sends cats dreams every night, in the series they basically wait until doom is approaching.

Thunderclan speaking that a few young apprentices went out to find them made tensions grow between the clans, cats saying that those young apprentices will never find them yet no cat dared to go look for them themselves.
Find what??? StarClan?? Why would they send apprentices instead of warriors?? Also why is the wording so weird it's hard to read.

While starclan was gone Riverclan was being torn into to pieces with cats giving up and cats still working hard.
Torn into pieces by what? Some cats are giving up and some are working?? I don't understand what's happened, so the medicine cats haven't spoke to StarClan in awhile, but why would that affect Warrior duties and stuff.

Honeypaw didn't have her assessment making her slightly annoyed that she isn't a warrior yet, but she did come around getting close to a tom called Screechriver, he was a break from the drama happening, he was always scared of everything and that made Honeypaw laugh.
Haha...? Screechriver is such a weird name, like why would he have River in his name if he likes IN RiverClan? I know Shadowsight from ShadowClan exists, but I like to avoid those kinds of names.

Prey was scarce and cats began to starve during leaf bare, so Honeypaw decided to go hunting by the river. Before she knew it she fell in and fell to the bottom of it hitting rocks and boulders scratching all over her body, she blacked out.
So. What exactly happened? She is a RiverClan cat, so shouldn't she have been able to swim before going all the way down to the rocks at the bottom of the river? If it was shallow enough to hit rocks immediately I'm surprised she was knocked out instead of just hitting the rocks hard.

Honeypaw awoke unable to see anything and her body hurt, what happened? She soon found out that she had no eyes and couldn't become a warrior.
How did she lose both her eyes. Did she just happen to have her face run into a rock that just happened to specifically poke her eyes out? Also I forgot to say this in description, but if she has no eyes her eyelids wouldn't stay, they would rot out with her eyes and leave sockets like Brightheart.

Warriors began to make rumors of her that it was a sign from starclan saying the apprentices were blind, that they couldn't find StarClan. But NightStar, Riverclans leader at the time said it was time for new beginnings.
That seems an odd conclusion for warriors to make, they must be an overly paranoid clan if they use an apprentice's tragic accident as an excuse to gossip :/ Also, I don't see how Nightstar sees her accident as a time for new beginnings.

Honeypaw was named Honeydawn. She was happy now that she had a new name that wasn't bad but, still sulked about not being able to be a warrior. Screechriver always visited her and kept her company, soon the two fell in love.
Interesting, I'm surprised they didn't immediately try to force her into a medicine cat position XD.

Things began to change, the deputy of riverclan decided that they were going to move, but Nightstar denied that and said that they were going to stay. So the deputy left with most of the clan with him. With little to no choice She made screechriver deputy,
Uhhh, I have no idea what's going on here. The deputy wants to move for some reason, and most everyone just agrees with that?? I didn't see prey troubles mentioned, so I don't know why that was decided. Whatever, I guess Screechriver is the only one left who's acceptable.

Moons later the young apprentices (no longer young) came back, saying they found starclan, but never told the clans how,
... okay.

Things began to change, the shecat became mates with Screechriver and she had a kit called Shallowkit.
Okay.

Her mate became leader after Nightstar passed

But her kit, never accepted her love, so for moons she just tried to get to know him better, and finally he gave in, and he then began to have a good relationship with his father, Now Honeydawn is expecting her second litter of kits
Okay, so a literal child for some reason does not want is mother's affection.... and then after what's basically years in warrior cats, he accepts it?? Confusing and unrealistic. Unless he has some weird personality disorder every child wants their parents attention and love. Also, I would've liked to know who he future kits are.

Review:

Appearance:
I did really like the drawing of Honeydawn, but I think her actual description could be expanded and improved upon. Matching it with the drawing or matching the drawing more with the description could help a lot. Adding bits of white, lighter areas, build, and fur texture would also add to the description a lot. I forgot to mention earlier, but I would also like to know her eye color before the accident as well.

Personality:
I think her personality was fine, but a little boring. It needs more traits, especially negative ones because at the moment she's just really kind and loving, but hates herself. One thing I'll say on this is I can see how Honeydawn could be self conscious about her scars, but since she can't actually see herself I imagine she thinks she looks much worse than it is. I also would like to know more about how she "carries everyone problems". Is she the local therapist? Does everyone talk to Honeydawn about their problems because she's good at listening?

Backstory:
The backstory was pretty confusing in general, I think it was too fast and left out a lot of detail, especially with the StarClan thing in RiverClan that was never really explained or affected the story besides her mate becoming deputy out of necessity (which honestly could've happened anyways without the StarClan plot).

Another thing that bothered me is the weird thing with her kit not loving her, and Honeydawn expecting another litter at 82 moons old. That's well past the recommended time for she-cats to stop having kits, which is around 60 moons. It also makes me wonder when she had Shallowkit, because he's listed in her family with a full warrior name, yet in the backstory he's only a kit and a vague amount of time passes before he "accepts" her.

In my opinion, you should scrap the StarClan plot and just make it so the previous deputy leaves to be a Kittypet or something, and then Screechriver is chosen. I would like to know a lot more about her friends and family in the backstory, since none of them are ever mentioned. How did her parents feel about the accident? Was she close with her friends before or after the accident? Did she like Screechriver prior to the accident? All good stuff. Then later, I want her falling in love with Screechriver in more detail and how she moved into the nursery and stayed. I would also scrap Shallowkit not liking her as a child, and instead make him distance himself as a apprentice or something who later makes a better relationship with his parents.

Thanks for entering, I hope my review helped!

Also, I know it's been a while since my last update, sorry for those of you waiting. I will still be working towards finishing this and after that, a new Oc Rater will come out!