CHAPTER SIXTEEN

"Beth?" Jade asked. It was five o'clock in the morning and Beth was standing by the bedroom window. Jade gently moved so she would not wake Joey or Bastet and walked toward her.

"Beth, what are you doing?" Jade asked.

"I'm watching the sunrise," Beth replied, not looking away from the window. "Mom always used to watch the sun come up. She said it was the one thing she liked about working overnight at the hospital. She would leave the hospital, where there was all this chaos and pain and sorrow, and then she'd get to watch the sun come up. She said it was inspiring." Tears began streaming down Beth's cheeks, but she didn't seem to notice. "It made her believe that good things could still happen... That life went on somehow."

"Beth-" Jade began.

"I don't want life to go on, Jade. I don't want each new day to come. I just want it all to stop and go away." Beth looked at Jade suddenly. "She said the sunrise guided her to the right path, but she wasn't on the right path, and I keep waiting to be guided the right way, but I don't even know what the right way is anymore. I'm lost, Jade."

Jade gave Beth a hug. "I know," she said gently. "But you'll find your way, Beth."

"I doubt that."

"Trust me, you will."

"I can't feel myself, Jade. I can't feel anything, actually. It's like I'm completely numb."

"That's probably just the shock of what happened."

"It's been a few weeks now... In fact, it's almost been a month."

"That's not very long in the grand scheme of things, Beth."

"Jade, I'm an empath who can't feel. Do you understand how insane that is?"

"Do you feel other people?"

"Not really..."

"You're overwhelmed, Beth, that's all. Everyone burns out once in a while."

"It scares me. I mean, I think I'm scared... I'm not even sure, because I can't feel it strong enough to know one way or the other."

"You'll feel again, Beth. When you're ready, the numbness will fade."

"I don't want to feel. I can't feel this, Jade. It will kill me. Besides, I'm a warrior now. You can't be an empath and a warrior. It doesn't work."

"It can work if you learn to control it."

"It won't work for me. I'd die in battle purely because I took on the wounds of everyone around me. It can't work. I can't be both people."

"Beth, you will find a way to balance all of this."

"No, I won't. I'm not Beth anymore, Jade. I'm Amber, the warrior Goddess. That's why I can't feel anything... That part of me died."

"Well, we're just going to have to resurrect it, then."

"You can't. No one can." Beth sighed. "I'm going downstairs to practice some techniques."

"Techniques?" Jade repeated in confusion.

"They keep coming to me. My instincts are strong. I know moves I've never even seen before. It's freaky, but it's probably a good thing. I'll see you later. Go back to bed."

"I can't, Beth. I'm too awake now."

"Then spar with me."

"I'm no slayer, Beth. I can fight, but I haven't been trained, and I don't really spar. You know I'm better at fighting with spells or a gun than with hand to hand combat."

Beth shrugged. "Suit yourself." She went downstairs.

Jade shook her head. How am I going to get her through this? She wondered.

Just be there, Spencer replied. It didn't surprise Jade to hear him. He often heard her thoughts when she wasn't trying to send them to anyone.

She's a wreck, Spencer, Jade said.

Beth will be alright. She goes through this in every incarnation.

That's not very fair to her, is it?

No, but apparently, it's a necessary part of her journey.

Who made the rules? They suck.

I agree, actually.

That surprised her. Spencer wasn't usually one to criticize the Universe's grand plan or the Powers That Be.

What are you doing up? Jade asked.

They found Aideen, Spencer replied. I'm waiting for Arnie to call and ask me to go over and see her. I know it's coming.

Relief flooded through Jade at that news. Is she okay? She asked.

She will be. She's shaken up, of course, but from what I've seen, she's going to be fine.

Yeah, well, let her know I'm thinking about her, and if she needs someone to talk to, I'll make an exception to my antisocial ways for her.

I'm sure she'll appreciate that.

Hey, Spencer? Jade asked.

Yes? He replied.

Jade sighed. I love you.

I know. I love you, too, he replied.

I'm really stressed.

It's alright. You're entitled to be.

I trusted them, Spencer.

I know this has been hard on you. Like I said at the funeral, you can talk to me.

I know. I'm just not very good at talking to people about what bothers me.

Well, I'm here for you, Jade. Always.

I don't feel like I have a right to be upset. They're Beth's parents, not mine.

They betrayed your trust. You lived with them for a while, Jade. They became your family.

Apparently, I don't do so well in that department. I don't understand it, Spencer. I can usually spot the bad guys. I lived with them and I never suspected they were evil. I was supposed to be protecting Beth, and I failed to do that.

You didn't fail her. You were nearly killed saving her life, Jade.

I'm just rambling. Ignore me, she thought.

I could never ignore you. Jade, you have a right to feel betrayed and to mourn what you lost, he replied. Like you told Joey, it's okay to be sad. This situation is complex, and it's only natural to have mixed emotions about it.

Thanks, Spencer. I guess I just needed to admit these feelings to someone, and it's not like I can talk to Beth about it. She's stressed and I don't want to make her feel worse.

She probably knows. She's empathic, Spencer pointed out.

She's broken, though. She said she doesn't feel anything. Her empathy isn't working.

On some level, Beth feels everything, probably more than she did before, Spencer replied. She's just buried it all so deep that she doesn't feel it consciously. This will all catch up with her, probably sooner rather than later.

And how do I help her pick up the pieces when it does? Jade asked.

Like I said, just be there, Spencer replied. She trusts you, Jade, and when she snaps, you're going to be one of the first people she turns to.

Joey began to open his eyes. Trying to shake off sleep, he turned to Jade and said, "Hi Mama."

Joey's awake. I'd better end the conversation for now, Jade sent to Spencer. To Joey, she said, "Morning, Baby." She picked him up and hugged him.

I love you, Jade. Check in later, okay? Spencer sent back.

I love you, too, and I will, Jade promised. "So, Joey, what do you want for breakfast?" She asked.

Joey thought about this for a minute. "Swabuwy icecweam," he declared.

Jade laughed. "I don't think so, kiddo. Maybe for desert later."

As the day began, Jade tried to take comfort in the routine of things. It didn't really help.

~*~

When Aideen woke up, it took her a minute to remember where she was. She would have been nervous, but she felt Arnie's arms wrapped around her body.

You're really safe, she told herself. It wasn't just a dream. Johnny really rescued you and Arnie's really okay.

Arnie yawned and opened his eyes. "Morning," he said. "Want scrambled eggs and pancakes?"

"Sounds good," Aideen replied. "It feels like I haven't eaten real food in forever."

"Vampire food first," Arnie said. "I can feel how badly you need to feed." He turned his neck toward her.

"No," Aideen said. "I'm likely to tear your throat out right now."

"You need your strength, Deenie."

Aideen sighed. She wanted to argue, but Arnie was right. She was still weak from the lack of blood, and if she didn't feed soon, she might kill someone.

Arnie ran his finger up and down his neck. "Come on, you know you want to," he teased her.

Aideen sank her fangs into Arnie's neck. Feeding off of her human servant satisfied her bloodlust quicker than feeding off of anyone else would have, and she was able to stop herself before she did any real damage to Arnie. As the wounds in his neck healed, Aideen felt stronger.

"Thanks," she managed.

"Anytime, Deenie," he replied.

Alex entered the room. "I cooked breakfast for you guys," he said.

"I was planning on doing that myself," Arnie replied.

"Yeah, well, I know what you two like to eat in the morning, and I couldn't sleep anyway."

"Where's Johnny?" Aideen asked.

"He's outside talking to Danny. He didn't want to bring him in until he knew it was okay with you," Alex explained.

"Danny's family," Aideen said. "I don't mind seeing him."

"Good, because it's cold out there." Alex stuck his head out of the front door. "You guys can come in. They're awake," he said.

Danny and Johnny came into the house. Danny walked toward Aideen and gave her a hug. "How are you doing?" He asked.

"Better, now that I've gotten some sleep and fed," Aideen admitted.

"I'm glad to hear it." He handed her a teddy bear, then pointed to Arnie. "I thought you could use some comfort, but I see you already have a teddy bear."

"That's okay," Aideen replied. "A girl can never have too many teddy bears." Aideen may not have been as girly as her sister, but she still admitted to enjoying snuggling teddy bears occasionally.

The doorbell rang. Johnny opened it and revealed Clarissa and Courtney standing on the other side. "We couldn't wait any longer... Is she awake?" Clarissa asked from the door.

Aideen forced herself to stand up, even though it meant leaving Arnie's comforting embrace, and rushed toward her mother. She had never been so happy to see her family. She did not dare to speak as she threw her arms first around her mother and then around her sister.

I just wish Dad was here, Aideen thought. This would be perfect if he was here. Not allowing herself to think of things that would further upset her, Aideen lost herself in the feeling of being safe. It's over, and that's all that matters, she told herself. Everything is going to be okay now.

~*~

"Beth, are you okay?" Kevin asked.

Beth had been training by herself for hours. Anyone else would have been exhausted, but Beth seemed to have done little more than warm up.

"I'm fine," Beth replied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"You've never trained before, Beth. What you're doing is something that even slayers who have been doing this their entire lives usually can't manage."

"I'm fine," Beth insisted again.

Kevin sighed and sat down on the couch. He looked at Jade, who sat beside him, and Joey, who was lying on his stomach coloring. "What do you think we should do about her?" Kevin asked Jade.

"I think she's working her body into exhaustion because she can't feel anything," Jade replied with a shrug. "Her emotions shut down, so I guess she's going for some kind of physical release. It's better this than a lot of other things. Exercising isn't a bad coping mechanism."

"She's going to make herself sick," Kevin protested. "She's overdoing it."

"We don't know that. Beth may not have ever worked out this hard, but we still don't know much about what Amber is capable of."

"You talk about her like Amber's a split personality or something."

"Well, she sort of is right now. I mean, she's splitting off of Beth's soul and waking up, and until she fully awakens, Beth can't really balance the two very different parts of her soul. She'll get there eventually. At least, I hope she will."

Joey finished coloring his picture and beamed at Kevin. "For you," he said proudly. He handed him a rainbow colored puppy.

"Wow, what a pretty puppy!" Kevin declared. He studied the artwork. "You know, for a kid his age, he stayed pretty close to being inside of the lines."

"Joey's not exactly a normal kid," Jade replied.

"I'm realizing that the more time I spend around him," Kevin said. "He's very bright, and obviously creative."

"Everything is rainbow colored in Joey's world."

"What do you mean?" Kevin asked.

"Well, Beth and I explained to you that Joey is the key to a dimension. That dimension is filled with colors you couldn't even imagine unless you've seen them. It's beautiful there. And a rainbow-colored dog would not be an unusual sight." She smiled as she thought about her son's special universe.

"That sounds like a fun place to visit."

"Actually, it is. I should have him take you there one day. You'd like it, and you're so stressed. It might do you some good to get away. Beth fell in love with the place the first time he took her beyond the doors."

"What doors?" Kevin asked.

"Joey can open doors between dimensions, and the rooms they create are usually black or white, because it's just a way to pass through, but once you go inside, it's completely different."

"Maybe Joey should take Beth back for another visit."

"Maybe... It wouldn't fix this, but it might help her calm down. It's kind of hard to be upset when a rainbow-colored puppy is licking your face. The place even makes me smile. It's just so peaceful. You can't find that anywhere else, you know?"

"So, what kind of entities live in his world?"

"Faeries, elves, sprites, pixies, animals of every species you've ever heard of and some new ones... Pretty much anything you could imagine. If there is a myth about a creature, it probably exists in Joey's dimension. I almost couldn't get Beth to leave once because she saw a unicorn and went crazy over it."

"Yeah, Beth always liked unicorns. Do any humans live there?"

"Not unless you count centaurs. I saw a couple of them there once. They're fascinating beings. Humans can't get into the dimension without Joey's help, and he only brings people he trusts in. Chaos and evil are not allowed in his dimension."

"Does it have a name?"

"Not an official one. It's generally called the Tenth Dimension, but that's only because no one knows the true name."

"Isn't it an awful lot of pressure to make a little kid the key to an entire dimension?"

"Why do you think he's so advanced? He understands how important his job is, and even though he's little, he takes his responsibilities seriously. When he was born, his soul was aged so he could access the knowledge he'd need whenever he had to."

"So how old is his soul?"

"He was aged to fifteen."

"Ah, fifteen. It's funny... Fifteen is so young here on Earth, but on the other side, you're considered an adult and are expected to have the maturity of one."

"Well, age doesn't really matter much there, seeing as how time doesn't exist and all. It's not like society has any influence there."

"So, how does Joey handle all of this responsibility?"

"He has me, and if all else fails, he has his soul's guardian."

"Who's his guardian?"

Jade stared at her shoes. "Before you freak out on me, I had a really good reason for choosing this person."

"I'm not the judgmental type, Jade. Who did you choose?"

Still not looking up, Jade quietly replied, "Alestair."

Kevin blinked. "Wow. Well, I'm sure you did have a good reason. In the time I've spent with you, and just from the way Beth always talks about you, I know you're one of the good guys. So why did you choose the ultimate Darkness to protect your son?"

Jade looked up at him and smiled. "You know, I don't like most people, but I can see why Beth always raves about how great you are. You're a genuinely nice guy. I don't see that often," she said.

Kevin laughed. "Did you just deliberately avoid my question?"

"Maybe a little bit, although what I said is true. Most of the good guys would attack me for choosing such a dark guardian for my son. You don't even seem that surprised."

"Well, you're dark, Jade. Plus, with the little bit you've told me about your past, you were a cult kid, which means you probably knew Alestair's incarnation."

"He is incarnated in New York, and yes, I know him. The jerk has a bit of an unhealthy obsession with my soul, so he tracked me down as soon as he could. The thing is, Alestair knows I'm not like a lot of other parts of my soul. I fight back, and he has never scared me. He likes that about me. When Joey was born, I knew the prophecies. I knew the cult would try to kill him or turn him evil, and I knew other bad guys would do the same. What better guardian against evil is there than the entity who created most of it?"

"Weren't you afraid that Alestair would try to turn Joey evil?"

"No. Being dark doesn't make you evil. Yes, Alestair created the entities of the Darkness, and yes, he has done a lot of very evil things in his time, but incarnating has tainted him with good. Living as mortals do teaches everyone, even the most unredeemable entities, compassion and humanity. Besides, Alestair and Vishnu began as neutral entities. Alestair came from the Darkness and Vishnu came from the Light, but there was no good and evil back then, only balance."

"That's a good point."

"Since my soul's grandfather is annoyingly friendly at times and Alestair can be pretty antisocial, Vishnu created a family for himself and Alestair created entities to keep Vishnu and his creations away. It has always been about balance, even though it grew into good and evil."

"You seem to be really well-educated on this subject."

"I spend a lot of time around Cierra, and she's always researching and discussing her findings. She gets excited about this stuff."

"So, you trust Alestair?" Kevin asked.

Jade laughed. "I never said that. I wouldn't trust him not to cheat in a game of poker, let alone with something important."

"But you trusted him with your son."

"That's different. Like I said, Alestair respects me, and I know he will never harm me. He's given me his word on that, and one thing he is good for is his word. I knew he would never hurt Joey if I asked him to protect him, especially because my soul would normally never request something like that from him. Besides, Joey's safety is vital to keeping the balance, and Alestair knows how important that is."

"Right, because good and evil can't really defeat each other or nothing will exist."

"Exactly. Our minds aren't evolved enough to accept any kind of world where the two don't coexist yet. Someday, we'll reach Pax."

"Ah, Pax. Now that is a dimension I'd like to live in."

"What's Pax?" Beth asked, suddenly involving herself in the conversation. Jade and Kevin both jumped at the unexpected sound of her voice.

"It's basically Utopia," Jade explained. "It exists in the future, but since there is no time, it technically exists now, on a different plane."

Beth's forehead wrinkled. "Okay, I think I'm following," she said.

"Basically, good will ultimately defeat evil," Kevin explained. "More accurately, good and evil will come to understand that these battles are an illusion and it's about balance. When that happens, the world will be at peace. Pax is Latin for peace."

"You know Latin?" Beth asked.

"Not really, but most slayers know a few basic words of it. It comes in handy for casting spells sometimes, or to defend yourself against spells that are being flung at your head."

"Do you want to hear something weird?" Beth asked.

"Sure, Sis. What is it?" Kevin asked.

"I have been waking up hearing this..." Beth hesitated. "Never mind."

"Hearing what, Beth?"

"This voice." Beth sighed. "I know it sounds crazy, but I've been hearing someone speaking a language I don't understand. It sounds kind of like Mandarin, except... I don't know, older, I guess. It's hard to explain. It just feels old." She looked from Kevin to Jade, then went back to Kevin. "I'm think I'm losing my mind."

"No you're not," Jade replied.

"I'm hearing voices, Jade. Crazy people hear voices."

"So do psychics. I'm a telepath, remember? Hearing voices is sort of my specialty."

"Yeah, but they speak English."

"Usually, yes, but not always. Sometimes I hear people speaking in their native languages. Most of the time, though, my brain translates. The mind produces different reactions to different words and feelings. It's not that I speak the languages, but my brain has learned to read thought patterns and decipher what people are thinking through energy and vibrations rather than words. I even hear animals sometimes, and my brain does the same thing with them. The thing is, I wasn't always able to do it. This sort of thing takes a long time to learn. Hell, I didn't even know I was doing it until Skip insisted on testing me."

"I've heard that Skip's pretty bad with running tests on the new recruits," Kevin said.

"He can be, but he tries not to be too pushy," Jade replied. "He doesn't force anyone to take the tests, but he does explain how beneficial it would be. After spending time around him and Cierra, who is an expert on the scientific side of the supernatural, I have to agree. It's better to understand exactly how the abilities work so you can better control them."       

"Don't let Arnie hear you say that," Beth said. "He's still trying to win the argument that taking away the mystery of psychic abilities weakens them somehow."

"He will never win that argument. Cierra can debate the issue in her sleep."

Kevin feigned sleep. He snored, said, "Science good," and snored again. Beth and Jade began to laugh. Beth stopped almost immediately.

"It's okay to laugh, Beth," Kevin said quietly.

"No, it's not," Beth replied. "I'm going to go take a shower."

"Wait, Beth," Jade said. "We should figure out why you're hearing this voice. Do you ever hear it aside from when you first wake up?"

"Not really," Beth replied. "I'll hear a sentence whispered here or there, but that's it."

"Well, if it's a Chinese language, it must have something to do with your soul unlocking. I wouldn't worry too much, Beth," Kevin said.

"He's right," Jade added. "But if it does start to scare you, I'll take you to the Unit and see if Skip and the technicians can help you figure out what's going on."

"Thanks," Beth replied. "I need to go take a shower," she repeated. She stood and walked upstairs without another word.

"I miss her laugh," Kevin said. "She used to giggle all the time."

"I know," Jade replied. "It irritated the hell out of me when I met her, but I kind of miss it, too. Beth shouldn't be so miserable. It's wrong." She sighed, silently hoping that eventually, Beth would find herself again.

~*~

Three days after she was rescued, Aideen sat in Gallows Hill Park and sighed. She couldn't stand the grief that was filling her heart any longer. Arnie had pretty much moved in with her because, between flashbacks of Lewis and flashbacks of what the warlocks had done to her, she couldn't sleep unless Arnie held onto her for the entire night.

"This has got to end," Aideen decided aloud. She began to cast the circle. She had a jar of rocks, a stick of jasmine incense, a single black candle, and a bowl of water placed around the circle in the appropriate directions. The scent was soothing as she focused her thoughts on what needed to be done.

"By the powers of Earth and Sea, take my pain away from me," Aideen recited, touching the rocks and the water. "By the powers of Fire and Air, take away my despair!" She touched the flame and the smoke from the incense. She began chanting this over and over again until she felt tears streaming down her cheeks.

Aideen set a picture of Lewis on fire and tossed it into her portable cauldron. She watched it burn as she recited, "Fire burn, I'll no longer yearn. Memory fade, of air you're made. Insignificant spark, wash away your mark. I'll regain my worth, as I bury you in the earth."

After the chant had soothed her pain and the words felt at least somewhat true, Aideen poured the water over the ashes, watching smoky air rise from them. Continuing to chant the words, Aideen dug a hole in the ground and buried the contents of the cauldron, weighing everything down with the rocks she had collected.

Taking a deep breath, Aideen decided to move on with her life, even if it would hurt. She knew she'd never completely forget what had happened, but it would no longer dictate her entire existence. She could not and would not allow Lewis's betrayal to destroy her. She was stronger than that.