Her burial ceremony and vigil are tonight.  I haven't slept in the two days since she died.

I haven't showered, or changed clothes, or eaten anything more than the biscuit Gaspard forced me to eat.  He threatened to make me eat it at blasterpoint, but I told him I'd welcome the bolt.  That would mean I would be with Linami again.

Mon Mothma gives a speech, about how great of a pilot she was, and how she never gave up on a mission. Senator Organa, who came all of the way back here, talks about her dedication to the Rebellion. Then it's her friend's turn.

Rees talks about her resiliency, and her sense of humor. Gaspard tells of our escape from the prison, oh so long ago.

I can't talk, when it's my turn.  I take one look at the metal coffin, painted with the Rebellion insignia, and sob again.  It's not a good look, a Captain reduced to such an extreme show of emotion, but there is no stopping this.

They cover the metal coffin and Gaspard puts a hand on my back.  "Do you want to eat something before the vigil?"

I say yes, because if I don't, he'll just force me to eat anyway.  Even though I do eat, it's not much.  I have a piece of bread and a glass of water.

Then I just sit at the table in the empty mess hall until Gaspard comes back for me to take me to the vigil.  It's raining outside.

How cliche, I think to myself, recalling Mother's novels that I had to resort to reading on many a blizzardy day.  Anytime anyone died, it was raining.  And somehow it's the same now.

My long hair is matted against my forehead and catches in my eyelashes as I stare at the fresh dirt where my wife's body lays.

Linami.

I want to hold her, more than anything. 

I want to play with her so, so silky hair. 

I want to kiss her, one last time.

Hear her voice.

Hear her laugh.

Even see her.

But I can't.  She's in a metal coffin, under a layer of dirt taller than I am.

There's no seeing her anymore.

"I feel like we are rich tourists visiting Dantooine for the first time," I muse.

Linami laughs. "That is a very accurate statement."

There's a green outcropping over the river. We walk out to it and sit down on the grass.

The thunder of the river drowns out most of the wind's noise, but my hair and Linami's hair are blowing around like the wind socks over the base. She ends up with a mouthful of hair and we both laugh at her plight.

Then, I don't know how it happens, but my hand ends up on hers.  Hers turns over, and our fingers twine together.

The phantom images dance behind my closed eyes.

I kneel, in the snow.  It's cold and wet and sinks into my pants, but I don't care.  She turns around and laughs.  "Cassian!"

"Linami."  I'm suddenly flustered, too scared to speak, and end up stuttering out, "I-I love you."

"I love you, too, Cass."

I take a deep breath.  "Marry me?  Please?"

She smiles.  "Of course, Cass."

Linami lets me slide the ring on her finger before she pulls me up so she can kiss me.

I open my eyes.  I want these memories to go away.  I wish...

I don't know what I wish.

I want Linami back.

Nobody here understands how much I miss her.  Not the Senator, not the princess, not Mon Mothma, not Gaspard, not Red, not Rees, not anybody.

Hot tears drop down my cheeks and make spots on my jacket.  I stifle down a sob.

Gaspard puts a hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off.

He looks hurt.

I don't care.

When did I stop caring?

Just now, or have I always been so insensitive?

Maybe that's why she gave up. Died. Because I'm despicable.

Insensitive.

I sit on a barrel and put my head in my hands, resting my elbows on my knees.

I don't even realize that I sleep for a while. How terrible of a widower am I?

I can't even stay up for my wife's vigil. For the rest of the night, I stand against the building, staring at where I know the sun will rise.

I'm dead on my feet when the sun rises. I walk to her gravestone and kiss it, before walking to my barrack.

I sleep until the next evening.

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