𝙈𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙖𝙣
⊱ ─────────── ⊰

"This is us asleep on the boat," I tell Tish, my counselor. "it was such a long day obviously." I chuckle at the memory.

I flip the page and smile warmly at the next photo in my scrapbook.

"Us, headed to vacation. I think this was Saint Lucia for Chris's birthday two years ago." We've spent two birthdays together, wow. It's been a long time already and doesn't feel like it. Now it's completely a new year, and this is the third of which we've brought in together.

Flip.

"Oh," I exclaim, "this is from a trip we took to Aspen with everyone! Chris and I were being lazy, didn't want to leave bed, and his mom took this picture."

That trip was tumultuous for us because I was pregnant and he was upset I didn't tell him right away. Only, I didn't because I wasn't sure I even wanted to keep it.

Things were so different then. I seriously can't believe it's been so long already.

I clear the emotion out of my throat before I speak again. Flipping the page to the next photo, I start to say, "And this is when-" but Tish cuts me off.

She puts her dark brown hand on mine and speaks with a smile on her round face. "As much as I enjoy your photos, Morgan, and how you talk about your boyfriend, I am here to talk about you."

"Fiancé." I correct her, closing the scrapbook.

She nods her head and a few of her red-dyed sister locs falls as she does so. "I'm sorry."

I sigh and stand to pace around the white bedroom. There's nothing left for me to clean because that's what I spend most of my free time doing. Since I don't eat or drink in my room, I never get any crumbs or juice spills on the carpet. No shoes are allowed on inside, and no one besides Tish ever really comes in but she knows my rule about outside clothes on in the bed.

"I see you still haven't decorated." She starts to write that down in her notebook.

I hunch my shoulders. "The walls are too pretty to mess up with some tacky posters, don't you think?"

Tish tilts her head at me. "The real reason wouldn't be because you don't want to get comfortable, would it?"

I look over my shoulder at Tish and nod my head to confirm. She's right, as always.

"It's been a month, Mo, you have two more to go."

I let out a deep breath at the fact. "Anyway, I'm trying to keep things tidy for when Chris comes to visit."

"About that..." Tish starts to grit her teeth with nervousness overcoming her usually confident tone. "the board didn't approve of his visit."

"What?!" I flail my arms.

Tish rubs the back of her neck. "You already have your best friend and your parents scheduled. Plus, we fear that you seeing him may stunt your growth. Morgan, you've made so much progress already-"

I shut my eyes to think for a second.

Woo-sah, I repeat in my head, trying to calm down. Woo-sah.

"It's not that we want to keep you two apart, but maybe it's too soon. Try again next month, alright?"

"Tracy was right," I mumble, staring out of a floor to ceiling window. "this is like prison."

Tish rolls her deep brown eyes at me. "Stop playing, girl, don't say that. In the meantime, your best friend is coming to visit. She said she has some big news for you, right, that's exciting?"

I sit down on the bench and raise both shoulders. "It should be."

Tish puts her notebook away. "Your whole aura changed. What's the matter, is it because Chris can't come?"

I nod my head, face frowned up. "It's not fair; if I've grown so much, why can't he visit but everyone else can?"

"After everything you admitted in therapy, it's a surprise you want to see him."

"You've never been in love before?"

"I have," she chuckles. "but my wife never put me in near-death situations."

"Touché."

Tish laughs at me quietly. "I'll check back in later, deal? Have you eaten anything, yet?"

I look at the time on the digital alarm clock. It's past two in the afternoon, and I've just realized.

"No," I shake my head. "but I am starving."

"Good because you'll need a lot of energy for our excursion later!" Tish stands, offering her arm for me to link with.

I fuse our limbs and stroll out of my assigned bedroom happily.

"What's the excursion?" I wonder.

"Cliff-jumping!"

I'm in my bedroom after an eventful day. One lady had a full on panic attack at the cliff, this random guy threw up chunks in the water, and Tish swore she was going to drown but I helped her out of the four foot deep water. She's five-eight, by the way. Drama queen.

You know that feeling that there's still water in your ears after a swim? Hate it.

After a shower and deep scalp cleaning, I look for an old t-shirt to pat my hair dry with.

I land on a black shirt. When I left it from the drawer, a distinct scent slaps me across the face. It's Chris cologne - that rugged, sea spray/white peony/salted amber scent hat never failed to leave me weak in the knees.

Ignoring my damp hair for a moment, I slip into Chris's t-shirt and fall into a state of nostalgia. It's only been four weeks but I'm taken back to a place where we were together everyday. When I would walk into the room and be seduced by this exact manly scent. To this day I haven't figured out exactly what products he uses and mixes to achieve his signature musk, but I love it, and hope he never switches it out.

I'm so enraptured that my fingers dance down my stomach and press against the fabric of PINK boy short panties.

I can smell him. This allows me to see him better in my head, picture him, and thus hear his voice.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

The sudden banging on the door startles me away from my erotic thoughts and behaviors.

I pull myself together, wrapping another old shirt around my hair, and tiptoe to the door.

When I open it, I see that's it's Tish.

Because Brenda mostly deals with bringing new patients in whereas Tish oversees the patient's day-to-day, I've gotten a lot closer with her.

"What are you doing up so late?" She asks me, peeking in the room as if I'd be hiding something.

I look at the clock across the room and can see that it's after midnight.

I fake a yawn and Tish sucks her teeth at me, over my theatrics.

"I know mail day isn't for another three days, but I'm sure you could use this now." She talks through her mature voice, handing over several envelopes.

"Thank you!" I whisper my gratitude to Tish before shutting her out.

Excitement carries me to the bed where I plop down and immediately open the first envelope on the pile.

It's one from Jasmine that reads:

Hey bestie. It's been too long. Come home please, I miss you
Not much is going on here for real, same old same old.
I keep telling Baby Kai to wait to come out but Izzy is determined to push him out like yesterday lol
Jabari is going down memory lane as I write this, he said remember you, him, and Chris went to the fair and he couldn't win a prize for me at the basketball attraction but Chris won you the biggest stuffed animal so he got mad and just ended up buying it for me? LMAO he said he told you to never tell me omg now I know! Smh
I haven't seen Chris in a couple days now... Ever since he got back from the road trip, he's been ducked off. J hasn't even hung out with him. He texted J that he's okay though, just working
Anyway, your fur babies are cuter than ever but Stevie is so rude just because she pregnant, I don't like that lmao mean ass. Can't wait to get one of those puppies though!
My client has been sitting on the lash table sleep while I've been writing this so ima go sis lol
See you soon! Love you!!
Jas

Next, a few words from Izzy and Lee:

Hey chick! We just want to say we love and miss you always. Hope things are good there. Can't wait til you come back! Kai is trying to come out now but I'll wait a little longer if I can lol
Lee still says you should learn kung-fu while you're there
I think he should learn how to change a diaper!
I don't have any gossip :/ wish you were home and we could drink wine . Ugh, give me another few months!
Stay safe babe, we love you!
-Iz & Leelee

My parents' letter says:

Our sweet morgan, we love and miss you so much! How are they treating you in there? Good, we hope.
Are you eating? Sleeping eight hours? You need to be!
I wish I could pinch your cheeks our flick that perfect little nose of yours.
We've been calling to check on Chris, he seems alright.
Don't worry too much in there, morgan. All that matters is YOU!
Remind us again when we can come visit, okay? We'll have to check our schedules, business has been booming lately for the both of us. I still wish you'd let me show you a house here in Arizona!!!
We're proud of you. Love you much. Don't forget to write us back!
x Mom & Dad

I keep smiling as I roll to the next letter. It's from Mary and Carter together. This one says:

Ok maybe we were wrong: a road trip with our almost 30 year old son is a bad idea. It wasn't all bad to be honest, but Chris definitely isn't the little 7 year old who used to love hiking, biking, and fishing with his parents. Perhaps whenever you guys are ready, we'll have grandkids to do things like this with. That would make me so happy. Carter says he hopes your first born is a boy so he can teach him how to change a tire. Backstory lol: we got a flat and Carter didn't know how to change a tire so he asked chris to but chris insisted he wouldn't do it for his father since it's his rv. So chris supervised, making your father watch YouTube tutorials and familiarize himself with the rv manual for the rest of the trip. He's such a smart ass lol, gotta love him!
I think about you every night, hoping you're okay in there. I miss you lots and can't wait to see your smiling face in two more months. Time is flying by! Love you, see you soon!
Love,
Mar Bear & Cart-man

Finally, I see the last one. It's from Chris, of course. Only, this one is a package. We're not usually supposed to get gifts from the outside but Tish is so cool, she sneaks them to me.

A gasp leaves my lips as I open the package to a 'C' initial necklace and picture frame with an image of us in it. My heart warms up and the muscles of my face mold into a permanent smile.

There's a series of stickers and small trinkets from their multiple stops along the trip that fall out of the packaging. Attached to each souvenir is a sticky note.
At random, I take turns reading some of them:

Thought of you in Canada.

And again in Jersey

You're on my mind - Philadelphia

Honestly, we could've skipped CT but here we are! Miss you!!

Babe, we have to come visit to Virginia Beach together! I love it, so will you!

Maryland is ... interesting... I LOVE YOU!

Wtf is Delaware? — can't wait to see you!!

Then finally, attached is a full sheet of paper with his handwriting on it. It reads:

This trip would've been a lot more tolerable with you here. I think this just means my parents need grandkids to get them off my back. I'm ready when you are

I miss you but that's obvious. And I love you but you already know that

Are you sleeping better? I'm not. It's weird without you...

What'd you eat today? Did you have fun on the excursion, or did you chicken out again lol

What did they say about me visiting??

I'll be waiting to talk to you again and hear your voice.

See you soon, I love you!
-C

The smile only broadens across my tear-stained face, putting me into a raptured mood for the rest of the night.
I string the necklace around my throat and ogle the way it blings in the mirror parallel to my bed. Then, I creatively scatter the trinkets about on my bedside table.
Finally, the letters go into the drawer next to my mattress. Well, all but one. I push the latest note from Chris into my chest and press out a deep, musing sigh, letting my head fall back onto my pillow.

✕

The next day, I go to my therapy session first thing in the morning.

This isn't like my regular check-ins throughout the day with Tish. These hourly sit downs are held twice a week with Dr.Mark Towson.

In the beginning I was distracted by his handsome features. He has nice hands, too. He's a middle-aged man, probably Carter's age or my father's. There's no ring on his finger, so either something is probably wrong with him that answers why he's not married, or he doesn't wear it to give that illusion and he's a piece of shit, or he's just currently single.

I shouldn't be bothered by that. What I should be annoyed at is the fact that I asked for a woman psychologist. However, Dr.Towson is really good at his job and I heard a lot about him from the other patients here. Even Tish and Brenda said they see him as needed.

Dr.Towson starts to talk about something that I should probably be listening to, but I laser my focus on his salt and pepper beard instead.

"Are you with me?" His authoritative voice strikes me.

"A-huh." I lie.

He clicks his pen and begins to scribble something down on paper.

I roll my eyes at his mysterious notes but he catches it.

"What's wrong, you seem off today?" He pushes his notepad aside and scoots closer to the edge of his seat.

I slide back in my chair and blink rapidly.

"I'm just upset they won't let Chris visit." I admit, picking a piece of lint off of my dress.

"Ah." He sounds, sitting back. "Well, perhaps that's a good thing."

I pop my eyebrow, almost offended. "How?"

He has a laugh at my facial expression and darkened tone. "We've been talking for a month now and everything you've professed to me has been about how he's not that great of a guy-"

"Watch your mouth, I never said that."

He throws his hands up in innocence. "I'm sorry. What I meant is, you've told me all that he's put you through, and in my professional opinion, he doesn't sound that great of a guy."

"That's because I only tell you the bad stuff. I also didn't ask for your professional opinion on him, this is about me."

He laughs again, finding me funny. "Well I think you shouldn't be with someone who's caused you so much pain. Chris, is it, quite literally led you to therapy. Twice."

I roll my eyes, wanting to storm out of the room. "What is wrong with you people, have you never loved someone?"

Dr.Towson pulls his ankle of his knee and just watches me rant. "I have, but not like this. Enlighten me."

I let out a groan from the pits of my stomach. "You don't just give up because some bad shit happened. Everyone goes through things, but you have to grow through them; that's what we're trying to do. What kind of therapist tells you to leave your fiancé, anyway?"

"The one that listens to you break down about how you hate the way women pine after said fiancé and you feel there's nothing you can do about it. Well, except cry."

I drop my jaw. "He's hot! He is otherworldly in bed, rich, and a nice goal-oriented, family man. He has aspirations that he's fit me into, h-he's a planner, although sometimes spontaneous— okay, a lot of the times spontaneous. And he loves me. So much. I mean, he looks at me with stars in his eyes sometimes and it means so much to me that he lets other people see him like this. I'm not his first girl, but I know I'll be the last. I don't want to be the girl that says 'I changed him, he's different with me,' but he is!"

I stand and start to pace, continuing. "We have a lot in common, too: our competitiveness, our willingness to learn, desire to help others, loyalty, passion, a hunger to get out in the world. Yeah, we've been through a lot. I can't say I'm not a little angry or hurt, but I don't hold it against Chris. He did fight for me, he said he'd handle it and he did. Every time. Even when things got too far, he would go even further to put an end to it and prove to me that his love and loyalty has no ends. He fought for me... my parents didn't."

"So that's what this is about: your mommy and daddy issues?" Asks Dr.Towson, jotting that down in the notebook. "Finally, we're getting somewhere. This isn't solely about Christopher or your dangerous affairs that led you here, this is about your need for gratification. You want to stick around because your parents didn't do that for you."

"Well, yeah." I shrug like it's nothing. It sounds so obvious, so simple. If I had just brought them up on day one, he would've had this all figured out by now and I'd come to terms with it.
I thought my struggles with my parents were over. I mean, they are, I forgave them, but there's still some resentment there. I let them off too easily, just wanting them in my life because I saw how close Chris is to his parents. They did try to send money and rescue me a few times. I just feel like, why only a few? Why weren't they persistent in their efforts to take me away from my incompetent older sister.

"We may end up in some sticky situations," I pause to laugh, eyes spaced out. "but he always makes things right."

"Another man wouldn't put you in those situations to begin with." Dr.Towson remarks.

I bob my head. "Maybe."

Now, going on three years, I can't just leave Chris because of some shit from the past. He's cleaned it all up, anyway, and all for me — us.

Dr.Towson removes his reading glasses and reveals his deep blue eyes to me. His timer goes off, but he stops it, still staring at me.

"I'm not saying this isn't a beautiful love story, and that you should leave him right now. I'm glad you can make it work after all of these things. What I am saying, Morgan, is that you deserve better."

"Chris is the best, it doesn't get any better."

"He may give you the sun, the moon, and all the stars, but you're unhappy with the women that come with him."

"Exactly, I'm unhappy with the women, not Chris. Plus, I'm sure there are men he sees pining after me that makes him upset, but."

"If I may, you are an insanely beautiful woman, but all of these stories have been about women desperately seeking him. Not the other way around. Perhaps it's your jealousy and insecurities that lead you to those events?"

I've never thought about that before— wait. No. I'm not even going for that. I wasn't jealous or insecure, I'm still not and will never be. Those situations— with Marissa, the wig girl I fought at the basketball game, the trio of girls from Chris's high school, and Madi— were different. Thirsty girls thinking they have a shot with my man, and doing too much to get it.

I don't say it out loud, but there's Malcolm. Chris was jealous then, he had to see me with another man. Then again... I guess I wasn't really giving myself to him. Chris knew I despised Malcolm and would never consent to him touching me in any romantic way. Damn it.

Oh, the redhead guy from the club that danced with me and bought me a drink. Chris beat him up. See, he was jealous. Although... that only lasted a night. It was my first time meeting the kid, and the last I'd heard of him. Ugh.

Why's it so simple for Chris to just snap his fingers and get rid of these men, but the women are all crazy over him and just stalk his whole life and then get us both in some fucked up situations that Chris also gets to stop.

Honestly, part of me does resent that. I don't want to be toxic or put Chris in a position to get his feelings hurt, but I kind of want to see that: Chris being helpless, destroyed watching some guy chase me but he can't do anything because it's harmless flirting... until it's not. Then, I can save the day. That would make me happy. If this were a dream and that happened, and I get to be the one who saves the day. I'm tired of being the damsel in distress, I've said it before. I know it's Chris's job, and if it were up to him, I'd never have to break a sweat or another nail in my life, it just sucks that this is how these things go.

"Thank you for your time." I say to Dr.Towson, pulling my hand away before he can try to shake it.