"Accomplishments don't erase shame, hatred, cruelty, silence, ignorance, discrimination, low self-esteem or immorality. It covers it up, with a creative version of pride and ego. Only restitution, forgiving yourself and others, compassion, repentance and living with dignity will ever erase the past."

  ⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘
𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔 

Last year

"Why aren't you cuddling with me?" Morgan asks me.

I roll over and ignore her advances to play little spoon.

I'm just not in the mood.

This is bad. We can't keep doing this shit but it's addictive at this point, I argue with myself in my head.

I'm constantly battling my feelings. What's right versus my own selfish desires.
I can't keep doing this to my uncle but I don't feel all that bad about it.

Things that are bad, shouldn't feel this damn good.

The lights are off in my bedroom. It's cold, and pouring outside. I should cuddle with her but it's easier if she just leaves me with this regret. This conflict. This heartache.

"Chris..." She calls my name so sweetly. Every time she utters it it's like a song. She's a siren, and I've fallen victim.

"Hey," she whispers, glueing herself to my body. "you can at least cuddle after fucking me like that." Her giggle is cute. So cute that I have to put my foot down before getting lost in it.

"Morgan, you gotta fuckin' leave." I demand, sitting up in bed, leg shaking.

"What?" She chirps, confused.

She sits on her knees and just stares at me blankly.

I turn on my bedside lamp and swipe my hands down my tired face.

"Chris, why?" She wonders as she crawls to me.

I don't want to scare or hurt her but I snatch away and pace.

"I don't want you here. Do you not get that? Jesus Christ. I'll have Sage come get you."

"I thought we-"

"You thought we what? Were gonna ride off into the fucking sunset? Give me a fucking break. Just... get your shit and leave."

"Why are you acting like this?" The emotion is heavy in her voice, it makes me want to breakdown but I can't.

This is the only way. . .

"Because I can't stand you." My words make her gasp. I watch her posture fail and lip quiver.

I have to gulp and look away. Seeing her cry would hurt too much.

Morgan sulks out of the bed and starts to collect her things from the floor.

"Did I— did I do something wrong?" She flails her arms. "Is there someone else?"

"You are so goddamn stupid."

"What?" Her voice breaks at my insults.

Those beautiful eyes are now glossy and wide under furrowed eyebrows. Still, she's gorgeous.

"You're still here?" I growl, holding the door open.

"Yeah " she raises her voice, throwing her things back down. "and you know what, I'm not going anywhere!"

"Excuse me?" I have to blink to make sure I'm getting this correctly.

"You heard me; not until you tell me what's going on. The other day you said you wanted us to be together-"

"It worked."

"What?"

"I said that just to get what I wanted now I'm done with you."

She walks over and grabs my jaw, squeezing it with her hands.

"Don't you ever think you can fucking use me, are you fucking out of your mind?! Who the hell do you think you are?" I'd be lying if I said that wasn't one of the hottest things I've ever seen. But now isn't the time.

"If you ever touch me like that again-" I clench my jaw and push her hands away from my body.

We engage in a tense staring match. Whoever blinks first loses. Whoever blinks first doesn't mean a word they just said.

I blinked.

Morgan shoves my body into the door and starts to cry.

"You said you liked me." She weeps, falling to the floor.

I can't take this.

I kneel down and try to pry her hands from her face.

"Hey, hey," I coo. "Shh... I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of that. I swear. Look at me."

She peeks at me with caution and sniffles. "Then why'd you say it? Why would you want to see me like this?"

I hang my head with shame. "I'm an asshole."

"It's been a couple of months, I know." She makes me laugh but is dead serious. That's just how she is, funny and cute as hell without even trying.

I lift her chin and stare into her eyes and say, "Because I do care about you and I hate that we can't be together. I hate that I can't do anything about it." My admittance makes her ease up enough to hug me.

Morgan kisses my lips and I lose myself, lying her down to ease my weight between her legs. I don't want to get carried away, though we easily could, I just want to hold her like this forever.

"Don't do that again," she warns me, breaking the kiss. "You scared me."

"I'm sorry, Princess. I just thought... if I ended it like that you'd hate me and never look back. It's easier."

"This is easy," she says, gesturing between our bodies. "us like this. I like you, Chris. I don't care about your uncle or how it makes me look."

"That's kinda what I was scared of. I don't want anything in the way of what we have, you know?"

"But nothing worth it ever comes without a few obstacles."

I swallow and stroke the hairs out of her pretty face.
"I don't deserve you."

"No, you don't." She giggles, kissing my nose.

I roll over and lie beside Morgan's small frame on the floor.

She sits up and starts to play with my eyelashes.
"I feel like we would've been good friends in school. Well, if we weren't, like, super attracted to each other and dating complicated things."

"Are we not friends now?" I ask with a breathy laugh.

"No," she hums. "we are, but, it's different."

"How?"

She twists her mouth in thought. "I don't know, I just feel like... I don't know." She laughs at her own stammering. It's cute, makes me smile.

"I think we're friends."

"I don't wanna be friends." She says, rolling on top of my chest.

"You don't?" I question.

She shakes her head. "I want to be best friends."

I wet my lips and smile small. "Ah, okay. We can be best friends."

"Forever. Even if this ends."

"I promise if you do."

"Promise!" She beams brightly before kissing me again.

~~~ Present Day ~~~

"Alright," I blow the whistle when I get a look at the time. "everybody on the line!"

"You got a game plan for this? I mean, it is our first practice?" Jabari asks me, passing the ball to my chest.

They look like a talented, active and capable group. With my guidance as well as JB's and Lee's, I see a championship-winning team. Plus, this will get them off of the streets which is where I recruited most of them.
Some of the kids I knew because they'd come up and ask me and JB if they can play with us at the courts. Others, I'd just see around town from time to time, either hustling or standing around with nothing better to do.

First, I made sure they're all enrolled in school and actively going to class. Academics come first, they'll be rewarded for scholastic efforts.
Then, I made it a point that no one on this team will be involved in any gang activity. No doing drugs, no selling drugs (yes, including weed) and no fighting.

Most importantly, I'm stressing that this is a brotherhood. They will be their brother's keeper.
I've also made it clear that I do want to win. We should be having fun but there's no point in competing if they don't want to be number one. I'm a winner so was Jabari. I'm not settling for a team of losers. I don't have to be here volunteering time I already don't have, so if I am going to be here, I need them to put in the work and wanna win.

These tournaments cost a lot, too, I won't be coming out of pocket every time therefore they will have fundraisers and ask for help from their parents. This is a non-profit, after all.

This has accumulated quite the crowd. People are thanking me for starting a team in this community, others just love the sport and want to watch, some people are asking where can they donate and if they can volunteer to help. Then, there's Morgan. I can always spot her in any crowd.
She's with her friends behind the fence. She and Jasmine are on a stroll with Izzy, keeping her active while she's further along in the pregnancy.
She looks beautiful, Morgan does. Nothing particularly different than any other day, still drop dead gorgeous.

I blow the whistle to let the guys take a minute break after all that running.

Morgan waves at me and I smile, waving back.

She grins and takes a seat on the bench with her friends.
It feels good, knowing she's watching. I mean, I'm not playing, only coaching, but it's nice to have her support. I'm glad she can see that I'm finally putting time and energy into something (else) good just for the sake of it.

~~~

"Don't beat yourself up, too bad." Morgan tells me, massaging my shoulders.

"Yeah, the boys did enough of that." Lee jokes prematurely.

"Too soon, honey. Too soon." Izzy tells him what I'm thinking.

I remove my hands from my eyes and sigh heavily.

Practice was a disaster. Apparently the two "star players" have some sort of gang-related beef. It's all bullshit.
They went the whole practice without any sort of noticeable tension and then when we did a group huddle at the end, they just started throwing fists. It was insane. I finally broke it up with JB and Lee holding the others back, and some strangers had to intervene because the rest of the team picked sides and jumped in. A full blown brawl.
Honestly, I was proud they rode for each other like that but we can't fight our own team, they need to save that energy for other people who might try them, you know?
Anyway, I told both of them that if they have a problem they better solve it now. They said they're done fighting and promised me this team is more important. Rob— local who hoops with JB and I and happens to be "in a gang"— gave them both the hundred dollars they each swear they were owed and made them say they're even and hug it out. That's the good thing about boys, their issues are petty and often solved just like that. It was no real beef, just bullshit, like I said. It's squashed now and they better not try anymore shit like that on my team.

This is how it happened:

I pull Tyson away with JB having a hold of Nas.

Threats are flying and I'm ignoring each and every one of them because I know these teenagers aren't about to pull out guns or none of that shit.

Tyson tries to fight me to break free but I drop him on his back. He's humbled and gets up embarrassed real quick, eyes watering, chest puffing.

The team and crowd "ooh" and "ahh." I spot his single mother nearby. She doesn't look angry or upset with me dropping her son on his ass like that. In fact, she gives me a nod of approval.

"That's enough," I have to yell. "Everyone take a knee!"

This shit is embarrassing.

I exhale deeply, frustrated, with my hands on my hips.

"That's what y'all wanna do? Fight?" I roar at the team. "Well, which one of y'all think you can beat me, huh? Stand up then since you don't care - since you're so big. Who's gonna fight me, you might as well, this was already a slap in the face."

I look them each in the eye. "Do not disrespect me. None of you can beat my ass or beat me at this game. I don't need to be here, you do. I love this sport and every single one of you told me you do too at try-outs. We're not here to fuck around. I'm not coaching a bunch of talentless nobodies who don't have shit to look forward to in life. If you made this team it's 'cause I believe in you. This is the last time I'm having this conversation, understood? I promise you there is other shit I could be doing with my time. Now squash that shit and bring it in. Family, on three. One, two, three..."

~

"Babe, we have to go." Jasmine tells Jabari, seeing the night is dying down.

He gets up from my coach to dap me up and then hug Morgan before Izzy and Lee.

"Alright, y'all. CV, I'll see you at practice tomorrow. Six, right?" I nod to his question. We do our handshake and then he leads everyone out, including Lee and Izzy.

"Well, that was eventful." Morgan says, walking around my body to clean up after everyone.

I help her with the bottle of wine and glasses to the kitchen.

I silently agree with just a facial expression.

"You went from no kids to fifteen." She makes fun, digging into a stack of French toast.

"Is this your French toast?" I make sure it's her recipe although the confectioners sugar and load of syrup already tell me so.

She nods with a mouthful. "I made it earlier. Want some?"

Before I can agree, Morgan puts the fork to my mouth and I bite the French toast. Just as good as ever.

It melts in my mouth. I feel like a kid again, eating French toast sticks, but hers are much better.

"Will you marry me?" I drop to a knee to playfully propose.

Probably shouldn't joke this like, but I expect a "yes," serious or not.

She just tosses her head back and laughs. It's so cute, her soothing voice and girlish giggle.

And in just a cheap hoodie she got from a fan online and black yoga pants, she's more gorgeous than ever.

I also haven't forgotten about the way I walked in on her fingering herself. There hasn't been a good chance to bring it up, but God it's stayed on my mind.

Gulp.

Morgan looks at me.

I stare back.

She swallows hard and then her lips part.

I steal a glance when she gazes away shyly as if she can't be caught making eye contact with me.

Say something, you idiot, I scold myself in my head. Do something. Anything.

The loud howls of Duke and Stevie remind me that we're not alone here.

Morgan shakes her head and blinks repeatedly like she's snapping out of a trance.

"Uh..." she stammers, frantically cleaning up. "I'll sleep in the guest room downstairs, I have a lot to do anyway, so. Um, yeah... goodnight." This is awkward for her, I can hear it in her tone.

I jump out of any suggestive thoughts that were brewing and nod my head to agree, swinging a fist into my other palm.

"Goodnight." I reply hesitantly. It's just weird not saying "I love you." I still feel and I know she does, but maybe saying it right now will complicate things.

She walks around the island and approaches the staircase but pauses for a beat.

"I know everyone's beat me to it, but I'm proud of you." Says Morgan, chewing her lip.

That's a relief. It meant a lot that she's recognizes what I'm doing and says the "p" word to me. Honestly, that's all I wanted — needed.

My head hangs as I try to remain grounded.

I let out an airy laugh through my nose. "Yeah, they did. But it means the most from you. Good night. I love you." I say it first and walk up the stairs.

"Y-yeah," Morgan stutters, caught off guard. "I love you. So much."