"I guess it's going to have to hurt, I guess I'm going to have to cry, And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side
I guess it's going to break me down, Like fallin when you try to fly,
Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye"

Chris Omar Vaughn

I drove the whole thirty minutes to Buffalo Wild Wings because they let me pick and that's what I was craving. I know they wanted something more upscale to celebrate the win and cap off a long day, but I'm a kid at heart who just wants boneless barbecue wings, so that's what I deserve.

Everyone was already inside while I sat in the car, head pounding as I rested it on the steering wheel.

Morgan was sweet enough to ride with me and endure it with no music or talking, but there was comfort in the silence. Well, until I recalled all of Rodney's taunting in my head and got mad all over again.

"Are you okay? Do you need something?" She asked me, her voice gentle enough to put me to sleep.

I didn't answer, I couldn't or it would come off rude because I wasn't ready to talk, yet.

She rubbed my back and not in a sensual way, but softly like she just wanted me to feel better. I remembered when my mother used to do that, I'd usually fall asleep right on her lap.

"Are you ready to go inside; your mom just texted me, the table's ready?" She let me know after another thirty minute wait to be seated.

When I didn't answer, Morgan removed her hand and asked, "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"No," I finally let out, sitting against the seat.

She leaned in and kissed my cheek.

"It's okay," she said in a whisper, raking my hair back.

My eyes fell to her lips and I brought ours together.

I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me feel any better. But what I really needed: to smoke.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Jabari's knuckles against my back window made me pull away from Morgan.

"Aye, I know you ain't in here smoking without me!" He loud-mouthed as he hopped inside.

Morgan laughed at him. "Does it smell like weed to you?"

"Meh, I wasn't talking to you, Barbie," he joked with her, trying to tickle her neck.

She laughed and swatted him away. "Whatever, I'll leave you two alone."

I stopped her from leaving, not because I wanted her to get high, but because I needed her company right now.

She smiled sweetly at me and then sat back in the passenger seat.

"I need a girlfriend," Jabari randomly complained.

Morgan turned so they could have a conversation while I dug between her legs for my bag that I kept under the passenger seat.

Once I had it, I found a pre-rolled blunt. I mentally thanked myself for remembering to do that earlier, knowing I'd need it after the game.

"Why don't you have one?" Morgan entertained him.

"'Cause these bitches ain't shit," Jabari answered humorously.

Morgan shook her head. "Maybe you need to lower your standards. Or it could be you're looking in the wrong places."

"You fine... you single?" he joked with her, tapping her so they could get a rise out of me.

I peered at him through the rear view mirror, blunt to my tongue. "Shut the fuck up," I mumbled at him.

He just laughed and gripped my shoulders. "I'm fuckin' with you, boy, everyone know that's ya heat," he said about Morgan and I.

Morgan just smiled and continued tracing her fingernails along my back as I sat up.

"Everyone except Rodney," Jabari threw that in there.

"Dude," I exhaled, getting worked up again.

I winced as my head still pounded.

"Did he say something to you?" Jabari asked Morgan.

She shrugged. "He just asked for my number and said I looked good, that's it."

Jabari started to laugh, hyping the situation. "He know what he was doing."

"Did you give it to him?" I asked, passing the blunt to Jabari.

She looked at us both and then said, "Um, yeah."

"Oop," Jabari sounded, choking.

I let my eyes close for some seconds as I tried to control my breathing and ignore the headache.

"I'ma go smoke this over there. Handle that, CV," Jabari said to me as he hopped out of the truck.

Once the door shut, I exhaled and rubbed my temples.

"I gave it to him before I knew you hated him..." Morgan squeaked, trying to grab my hand but I pulled away.

"It's cool, I'm glad I know that's what we're doing," I answered, looking straight ahead with the hood on my head.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You were giving Madi mean looks all day just because she was talking to me, but you can give him your number?"

"Who is she?"

"Don't change the subject, Morgan."

Morgan looked at me with big eyes. "Who is she?"

"It doesn't matter. You just made that decision, so don't be upset when I do the same," I grumbled, getting out of the Durango.

Morgan followed and stopped me walking on the sidewalk.

"What are you talking about? 'Cause I gave him my number? I gave it to him just to shut him up, I didn't plan on ever texting him back or hooking up with him. Now, who's Madi?" She asked, hand on my chest.

"Nobody," I heaved, just wanting to go inside.

It was dark and the lively bar-restaurant was crowded. I was sure they were all waiting for us, and my stomach was growing angrier by the second.

When I started for the door again, Morgan closed it and looked up at me.

"Can you stop and talk to me, Chris?"

I looked down at her, bored by this whole conversation. My hands were in my sweatpants when Jabari walked up on me, saying he didn't finish the blunt so I could hit it later.

"Y'all good?" He asked us.

"Who's Madi?" Morgan demanded to know from either one of us.

"I- I'm not gonna answer that," he said, walking inside.

"Seriously, who is she and why would you say that? Chris, I'm not going to hook up with you if you're sleeping with other girls," Morgan made clear.

"So don't, Morgan! I'm not begging you to be here right now," I finally got fed up and raised my voice.

Her lips pulled into a frown, concealing the words the wanted to fly out out of anger.
In the next second, she walked back to my car and put her face in her hands.

"Morgan," I called out once I heard sniffling.

"Morgan, are you crying?" I asked, walking over to her.

"Don't touch me," she cried.

She really was upset...

I laughed, trying to pry her hands from her red face.

"Stop!" She screamed, smooshing her head against the car so I couldn't see her face.

"You're being crazy, stop," I mocked, bringing her body close to mine.

"No you're being mean," she sniffled, finally letting me look at her and she looked just like Quinn - cute, puffy and red, and eyes big and wet.

"You clearly don't care, like, about us or whatever and it hurts because I'm so scared... to leave Malcolm. I risk so much just trying to sneak out and spend a night with you, and you just don't care. Like, it's not fair. You want to sleep with other girls, fine, but I can't still do this," she vented, pushing me off of her.

I started to feel bad, seeing her pace and wipe her eyes.

"Why the hell are you laughing?" She asked me, hands on her hips.

"I'm not," I chuckled, "you're cute."

"Shut up. Seriously, shut up," she scoffed, pretending like she was going to punch me and she finally laughed.

That's when my phone rang, it was my mother.

"We're coming!" I yelled at her as soon as I picked up because I knew she was only rushing us.

"Come on," I said to Morgan, taking her hand.

*

"—And where's AJ, should we order for him?" Asked my mother.

Jabari and I scoffed.

"No," I said, leaning against the window. "He can stay where he's at."

I planned on dealing with him later, that traitor chose his side with Rodney and his team.
At least I had Jabari, who should've been by my side all along, I preferred him anyway. He was all around a good guy and way funnier, I liked having him around, so did everyone else.

We got to sit in the back and put two long tables together to accommodate everyone.
I sat against the window with Morgan on my left and Jabari sat next to her, while my parents were opposite of Morgan and I, Julia and Kurt across from them, and the kids, next to my parents.

"Any word from the people, are they going to let you guys play tomorrow?" Asked my father, mouth full of whatever appetizer he ordered.

"Not yet," I rasped, head against the glass.

"I hope they let you guys play, you have a good team," he continued the conversation.

Morgan kept her hand in my lap and put her chin on my shoulder. "Still no idea what you want?"

"I'm not even hungry anymore," I yawned, squeezing her thigh under the table.

"Morgan, I hope the fight didn't scare you," My mother giggled after finishing her drink.

"Poor thing looked like a deer in headlights," Julia added.

Morgan physically and obviously tensed up with some sort of anxiety.

"Um, it wasn't that bad, really," she voiced with an awkward laugh.

"It happens - fights, I mean," Kurt added on.

"Not everyone is used to that sort of atmosphere, though," Mary commented, nodding at Morgan for reassurance.

"She should be if she's with Malcolm," my father mumbled, his glass full of a Long Island to his mouth.

"I think that's enough," I stepped in.

Teddy cleared his throat. "What's everybody thinking about getting?" He changed the subject.

"Excuse me," Morgan said lowly, dropping the menu from her hands.

"You okay, where are you going?" I asked, looking up at her as she slid out of the booth.

"Outside, I need air," she replied quickly with nerves.

"I think you should follow," Mom whispered to me.

So I excused myself and made way out of the booth after Morgan to trail her outside where she was sitting on the back of my truck.

"What's wrong now?"

She stared up at me with dark eyes. "Don't ask like that."

"I'm sorry. Sorry. What's wrong?"

"It's dumb, I'm just sensitive," she sniffled.

"But you can tell me."

She swallowed and looked straight ahead at the cars on the highway speeding by.

"I was scared earlier. I've seen some drunk fights before and I guess you didn't really hit him, but I didn't want you to get hurt. Your mom said you get angry, I didn't know what she meant, but now I see. I just don't like it. You saw what Malcolm did to Kyle. Over nothing. Is that what you want, is it worth it?"

"I'm sorry you were scared but I was just defending myself, I'm always gonna do that," I explained.

What she didn't know is that it was Rodney's comment about her that set me off. I could've cared less about the way he called me "boy" or fouled me the whole game.

"I understand that, I just didn't like seeing you that way. I'm sorry, ugh, I don't know why I keep crying," Morgan looked up and blinked away the last of her tears.

I smiled at how cute she was in this vulnerable way.

"It's okay," I told her. "just stop. Let's go back in, you ready?"

She nodded and squeezed my hand, walking as humanly close to my body as she could along the sidewalk.

My fingertips had hardly grazed the handle of the door when a car wildly drifted into the parking lot, music blaring.

Our heads turned to see who could be so reckless and why.

I almost thought nothing of it, just some drunks on a Saturday night out.

Then, I heard, "Aye, white boy!" Followed by car doors slamming shut.

"Thought I wasn't gonna find you?"

"Ow, Chris, you're hurting me," Morgan winced, struggling to release her hand from mine.

I let her go after realizing how hard my grip was, and stayed firm in my stance, watching Rodney and his friends pummel towards me.

"Thanks for keeping her warm for me," he cackled, sending suggestive looks at Morgan.

"Come on, let's go," she tried to say, pulling at my arm.

"He's not going anywhere," Rodney growled, staring dead in my eyes. "I let you off free one too many times. You gotta get what you deserve. Eye for an eye, right?"

There were four of them. Of course I'd stay and fight but I knew there was the possibility of me ending up rooming with Kyle. . .

Malcolm wasn't here to scare him off or pay them to go away and leave me alone for good. I don't need him, but if this doesn't end well for me, I wish that his money could've been an option first.

I didn't say anything, I just accepted whatever was coming next. If he ever got around to the actual fighting part of this bit, that is.

"He doesn't want to fight, okay? Just go before the cops come," Morgan tried to reason with him.

His posse laughed at her. "Okay, Karen, yeah, call the cops. Call an ambulance, too, he's going to need one."

She stood in front of me and I tried hard not to move her out of the way and just start swinging first myself.

"I don't know what this is about but it's not that serious. Just leave," Morgan nearly begged them.

Her whole "violence doesn't solve anything" speech was almost admirable but several years too late, and it was far from the right time for it.

"You wanna do this, do it one on one," I exhaled.

Morgan's eyes shot to me.

Rodney laughed. "No. I know what you can do, and you deserve the worst."

"Chris, come on, seriously," Morgan cooed, pushing me in my chest.

"Listen to ya bitch," one of his friends commented, blowing smoke in our faces.

"Not even his bitch, that's Malcolm's girl," another clarified. "See her every time I go cop from him personally."

I started hearing the sound of my heartbeat over their talking. My jaw clenched tight and my fists were balled at my sides.

"Why don't we give him a call?" Rodney sneered, smirking at me.

"Do what you want," I told him in a growl.

Deciding not to care anymore, I finally let Morgan pull me back to the door.

"Or why don't I just fuck you up instead?" Rodney mouthed.

Hearing that, I quickly turned back to in time enough to duck his wild swing.

"Get him, Rodney!"

In the beginning, I was only trying to restrain him, seeing he had no weapons and his friends weren't jumping in.
He threw his fists at me in weak attempts but none landed on my face or head, anyway.

I forced him down into the flower bed and stumbled back onto the sidewalk.

When I looked to my right and left, no one was there for me. Morgan must've ran, I figured.

Just as I was about to go back inside, seeing him still stuck on the ground, Rodney spit near my feet.

"Go 'head, do me like you did David. What you waiting for?" He coughed.

"What's the problem out here?!" An employee came hustling out.

"Yo, Chris, you good?" Jabari shouted, rushing by my side.

My family came to see what the commotion was, Morgan standing amongst them.

"No problem," I answered, looking down at Rodney.

"Let's dip, for real," one friend said to him.

"Yeah," the other co-signed. "He ain't 'bout shit."

The four of them bailed, running to the car in which they came.

I finally could breathe and relax my shoulders, body tired and stressed out.

"Come on, everyone, back inside, nothing to see," Mom talked.

Kurt, Julia, and the kids all filed inside, leaving Teddy, Jabari, my father, Morgan, and I under the moonlight.

"So you're a fighter now?" My father huffed at me, his hands on his hips.

I hung my head, not wanting to hear it.

"Chill, Mr.V, he was just defending himself," Jabari tried to say.

My father's thick eyebrows arched in a 'v.'

"Then he can bail himself out of jail, too," he argued, storming back inside.

"Ima stay out here with you, I'm on whatever time you on. They not finna jump you," Jabari made known.

"No one's jumping anyone tonight, or ever. I think you two should call it a night in case you gotta wake up and play in the morning," Teddy voiced.

I wasn't going to argue with that, going home sounded like Heaven right about now.

"Text me when you get home, bro," Jabari said, dapping me up. After he said good night to Morgan and Teddy, he was gone.

Teddy squeezed one of Morgan's shoulders, asking if she was alright before he, too, left us alone.

"Let's go," I exhaled, heading towards the truck.

When I didn't hear her little footsteps behind me, I rotated to see why she hadn't yet moved.

"I'm not doing this with you," Morgan told, rubbing her arms.

I met her back on the sidewalk. "What are you talking about?"

"We just had a talk about you fighting and you did it again," she complained, unable to meet my gaze.

"Not this," I grumbled, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Who is he, what did you to do him - David?"

"Sounds like someone already told you."

She finally looked up but only found my eyes for a second before turning to look elsewhere.

"Get home safe," is all she said.

My eyebrows furrowed. "You're not coming with me?" I hated how desperate I sounded.

She shook her head. "I think you just need to be alone for a while."

"I want you to come with me," I said. I angrily switched dominant legs in my stance and wet my lips.

"I need you right now, Morgan," I admitted, dropping my posture.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and waited for her to take my hand and say everything was going to be alright. Except, she didn't.

"Good night, Chris," she trailed off, leaving me alone outside of the restaurant.

I stayed there, dumbfounded, watching her go and sit with everyone else. They welcomed her back warmly and carried on like it didn't even matter that I wasn't there.

***

I woke up the next day from a phone call. It was Jabari telling me we weren't allowed back and therefore forfeit, same as Rodney's team.

"—Still no word from AJ?" he asked me.

"Nah."

"I'm not with that fake shit. Oh, look, I gotta go, be easy," he talked loud in my ear before I hung up.

It was too early for me to get up and do anything else so I stayed in bed... all day.

3:07pm

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.

"It's open!" I hollered.

"Of course it is," my mother nagged upon entry.

"Ugh, why is it so dark in here?" She went on, scurrying around the living room area.

"Ah, that's better," she hummed after opening the blinds.

I hissed at the brightness and rolled over on the couch.

"What are you doing, son, and why haven't you replied to my texts or calls all day?" she questioned, yanking the throw blanket off of my half-naked body.

"Busy," I made up. I kept my eyes closed as I stayed curled in a ball, back facing her.

"Try again," she let me makeup another lie.

"Mental health day, yeah," I went with that.

"Mhm," she sounded, standing over me.

"You need to get out. Want to come with me to sample dessert for the reception?" Mom wondered aloud, sitting at my feet.

"What reception?" My words were muffled by the pillow I had my face stuffed into.

"For the vowel renewal. Please tell me you didn't honestly forget," she whined.

I didn't respond.

"Well, Morgan's coming," she rang, thinking that would change my mind or mood.

"Fuck Morgan. And fuck Malcolm, and Rodney, and AJ, too," I cursed, turning onto my back.

She looked at me stunned for a second and then relaxed her facial expression.

"You don't mean that, do you?"

"Not the Morgan part," I mumbled angrily, "but everything else, yeah."

"You're allowed to be mad, just like she's allowed to want space."

"What'd she tell you?" I wanted to know, sitting up.

"That she wasn't ready for that from you," my mother articulated, her eyes stern and mouth tight.

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" I said my thoughts out loud.

Mom sighed deeply. "She thinks you're just like Malcolm. Dammit, I said too much! Why don't you ask her?"

I lied back down, arm over my face. "No, we don't need to talk."

"Here you go," my mother fretted, pushing off her knees to stand up.

"It's like you and her get three steps closer, and then take one step back. Can't you just-"

"Mom," I groaned, getting annoyed with her womanly lecture. "If you're going to have her side, go be her mother."

She laughed small. "Fine, but she will be at the ceremony, and no, Malcolm isn't invited. Be on your best behavior."

"It's not for another couple weeks, why are you pressing me, woman?"

"You are your father's son. Bye," my mom said, throwing an apple at me.

I took it and bit into the green apple. It was sweet, and the first thing I ate all day.

Once at the door, my mother stopped her hand from opening it.

"And good luck," she wished me.

I cracked one eye open to look at her across the room. "With?"

"The new job?"

***

Out of breath, the next morning, I lunged forward into the front desk.

"Excuse you, can I help you?" The dirty blonde asked, looking appalled.

I collected myself, having spilled coffee over my hand.

"I'm here for-"

"Reuben? Of course you are, it's his business. Name?"

I took a second to think out what I had to say next before it got a little nasty.

"Chris."

She scanned the screen. "Hmm, don't see a Chris."

Then I remembered Morgan set this up.

Hesitantly, I said, "Christopher Vaughn."

"Ah, there you are. Go right on back, big red door, can't miss it."

"Thanks," I said dry, removing my eyes from her brown ones.

I hope they're hiring for a new front desk girl; her attitude is not one I want to deal with every morning, I thought in my walk back to Fisher's office.

"Come in," I heard a baritone voice demand before I could even raise my fist to knock.

Clearing my throat, I stepped inside with my binder in my hands and my hair pulled back.

Once I entered, I saw that he was watching me on one of the monitors.

"Big on security?" I pushed out an opening joke.

"Very. Big on timeliness, too. You're late," he enforced.

I kept my posture straight as I walked around the chairs and sat in one.

"Sorry. I had to get a coffee-"

"Thank you," he said, taking the hot cup I had just placed on his desk.

"I-" I hesitated. "You're welcome."

Reuben took a sip and seemed to enjoy the creamy taste. I'm a man but I cannot drink it black, I think people who can have no souls.

The office was eclectic. His name was written on nearly everything. I knew he grew up making smaller things with Lego's which then turned into wooden pieces and then unconventional light fixtures. All that got him to where he is now, designing some of the world's most modern and aberrant buildings.

"Now," he exhaled, sitting back in the large Victorian blue velvet throne chair. "I've heard good things, but I don't like to be wrong. I'm going to bring you on, my assistant said your phone interview was more than impressive as well. You seem promising, edgy enough for my company. I don't do things the... orthodox way here, Christian-"

"It's Chris... short for Christopher," I drawled out, puffing air in my cheeks.

Reuben looked at me over his glasses. "See. I like that you corrected me, many wouldn't. I had an intern named Gary— or was it Larry? Either way, he let me call him Cecil for a year before his wife corrected me at their second baby shower."

My eyes darted to the sides, lost. How did someone let— nevermind.

"She went over salary, right? Ok, good. You'll be nine to five, Monday to Friday with the exception of some Saturday's and some work weeks will be longer, of course - maybe fifty hours. When the project demands it, you will be here past curfew, young man. There's a desk with your name on it and you will sit there and use that brain of yours to help create conceptual designs for each project I put you on."

I nodded, blinking as I took all of that in.

He stood and pressed his fingertips into the glass of the desk.

"Did you get that? Let me repeat, follow along: help create conceptual designs."

It didn't change anything in my mind hearing it a second time but I guess the key word there was conceptual.

Again, I nodded my head.

"Okay, let's go out on the floor," he insisted, letting me lead the way out.

Once the door to his office shut behind us, Reuben walked in front.

His hands were deep in his pockets and he kept looking back at me as if to figure me out.

"What's your sign?" He asked, breaking left.

"My sign?"

"Capricorn? Leo? Sagittarius?"

"Oh," I recalled. "Virgo, sir."

"Practical, hardworking, intelligent, reliable," he listed.

I smiled small. "Yes, sir."

Once at the elevators, Reuben pushed a button and then looked me in the face once more.

"Nitpicky, judgemental, overly independent, and irritable," he went on to add.

My face fell.

I choked. "Uh, working on those."

He laughed hard and patted my back twice. It hurt. I wound up my shoulder, trying to shake it off.

DING! The elevator dropped us off on a higher level.

As soon as the doors parted, I was introduced to a whole hive of men at their respective desks, sketching away and running around mad with ideas and designs.

This is like what I thought it would be like when I was younger but never realized it was really like this, if that makes sense. Like an exaggerated version of a small section of what architects do in movies. Like, how in movies they only show construction workers on the streets, cat-calling.

"You look intimidated," my new boss inquired.

I swallowed, eyes still forward. "Just more people that I expected. I also don't like school and this — the desks— remind me of that," I said.

He laughed again and then walked me to where I would be making home.

I took a seat, looking around to see what everyone else was doing.

"-I QUIT!" I heard someone yell from inside of a glass office off to the right where everyone could see.

The buzzing of the floor stopped as we were all tuned in, watching the man in the short-sleeved button-down trash the office.

He stepped out and let the door slam but calmly walked through the office, to the elevator, after a deep breath.

Once the elevator let him inside, everyone went back to their tasks.

Reuben eyed one of his employees walking past.

The short man drank his coffee and shrugged. "Stress must've gotten to him."

"That happens a lot here. Get used to it," another guy with deep eye bags said, who sat in front of me.

"Oh, don't scare him off," the ginger behind me scolded them all.

"Carson was on the downtown project with me," Reuben mumbled as he tapped his finger against his cleft chin.

His fingers snapped. "Christian-"

"Chris," I quickly stated.

"Chris," he redirected, squaring my shoulders. "you're in."

"I'm in?" I repeated in confusion.

"What?" One guy yelled.

"Why him?" Another asked.

"I've been here a year and I still just go on lunch runs," the ginger complained.

"Ooo, thanks, I'm thinking sushi today," Reuben replied.

He then turned back to me and signaled to walk away.

I followed him to the office where Carson apparently just had his breakdown.

"Once you clean up the mess it's all yours," Mr.Fisher let me know.

I almost dropped my jaw. "What? No... no way."

"Do you want the job?"

"Well, yeah, but I-"

"Then clean this shit up and start working."

I laughed with my head hung in disbelief. "But why me?"

"Why not you?"

"But why me?"

He chuckled to himself, shaking his dark finger at me.

"It's a test, hope you pass. This job is stressful: deadlines, dealing with planning, fabricating the dreams of our clients. And, you'll be working with me on this downtown project. Don't fuck up, Christopher."

"Downtown project," I mumbled under my breath.

Shit. I threw my head back and groaned, eyes closed tight.

"Problem?"

"Yeah, I thought that plaza was going to be a strip club, o-or something?" I tried to come off like I didn't know when I did, really. Malcolm had been working closely with another team to come up with the designs for his "titty bar" and hookah lounge.

"Doubt that, there's been some setbacks. The town is in an uproar with that Marvin Jameson-"

"Malcolm," I faked a cough.

"-Malcolm Jameson person, say they're petitioning against that, or something. But he owns the air rights which shit on all my plans, now we're back to the drawing board, you could say."

"Aheh," I forced a laugh at his pun.

"Nevermind that, though. You have some paper work to finish, you can take that up with Jenny at the front desk."

"Oh, she's delightful," I gritted, making Reuben crack up.

"She's something, get used to her," he sighed.

"Anyway, welcome aboard," he said with the shake of my hand. Firm.

I cracked a smile. "Thank you, sir."

"You're welcome," he said, walking backwards to the elevator. "but I wasn't even hiring, so you should really be thanking Morgan."

My face fell at the mention of her name. It haunts me, curse her and everyone who keeps uttering it. Can I know no peace?
I spent the next twenty minutes, cleaning the office of another man's mess, while stopping every two seconds with my thumb hovering over her contact in my phone.