"And maybe in some masochistic way
I kinda find it all exciting
Like, which lover will I get today;
Will you walk me to the door or send me home cryin'?"

Morgan Ann Bennett

4:30am

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

I groaned, already knowing it was time to start the day.

October.

"Morgan, get up," Malcolm spoke first thing.

I cracked my eyes open and walked around to the other side of the bed- or should I say stumbled to the other side of the bed- to help him out of it.

I hadn't been sleeping beside Malcolm because his prescribed pain med, which was over the counter as he couldn't be given any hard drugs per his addiction, put him out cold usually. I just happened to have had my hands fuller than usual with him last night and knocked out there.

He was temporarily paralyzed from the neck down but it was slowly coming back to him, the feeling.

The doctors said he'll be able to walk again one day, "hopefully," it was a peculiar thing.

He kept saying he was a miracle and nothing could take him out. God how I hoped that wasn't true.

Although, it was somewhat heartwarming to see him in rehab weekly, getting stronger slowly but surely.

It pained someone like him who was once so independent and could roam freely, to now be in a wheelchair, relying on myself and Teddy and Sage to help him manage. That's karma for you.

I felt bad for him, but only a little.

As much as I tried to tell myself at first that it wasn't my fault, I felt it was. I know he's crazy on his own and had problems well before me, but my sneaking around with his nephew only kept me from paying attention to Malcolm which is all he apparently craved and since I didn't give that to him, he couldn't handle rejection for once in his life and tried to end it. So you see, that's not necessarily something I want to live with. The only body count I want to have is concerning sexual partners and that's only two.

Speaking of, I missed him. Um, no, not Kyle, who is doing much better and back in Arizona, by the way. No, I mean Chris.

I wasn't over Carter's words, the way he talked down on me and rebuked our relationship basically. Every time I saw him around town since that second week of September, he would try to wave or straight up avoid confrontation. Sometimes I'd wave, other times I would keep my head down. When we did run into each other and have to speak, it was short. I asked about Chris once or twice, he just told me that he's fine, busy working. Good for him.

Mary was still my angel on Earth, letting me be so hands on with the new restaurant and the B&B whenever the other two Vaughn's weren't around.

It sucked that things were like this but I did have a plan. I was going to aide Malcolm back to health and hope that once he's back walking and working, he'll let me go seeing I'm a good person and that we didn't have to be intimate for me to be here. I hoped this hit him as a second chance at life. Err, third, or fifth, or hundredth for him. Either way, my fingers were crossed that he'd come around, have a change of heart, and lift my sentence.

Otherwise, what would it take? I can't kill him, can't have anyone else kill him.
Do I have to get hurt? Be absolutely repulsive? Have a child-

Wait, actually. . .

*

"I'm pregnant," I announced to Malcolm.

"You what?" He questioned as I drove from rehab to his estate.

I swallowed, rolling up on a red light. "You heard me, I'm pregnant."

"Mhm," he hummed. "How?"

I drove off at the green light. "What do you mean how?"

"Weren't you on birth control?"

"Yes," I answered. "but it's not always effective. I'll understand if you don't want me anymore."

"You can get an abortion, darling," he suggested, face straight.

"Malcolm, how could you?! I would never kill a baby! It is a living thing inside of me and I'm going to have, and raise it!" I argued, using my acting skills again.

I was always pro-choice, fuck that. Had I really ever gotten pregnant by him, I would definitely not have nor keep that abomination. I'd be damned.

"Okay, and who exactly are you pregnant by?" Malcolm raised the question.

I suddenly stomped on the brakes, dumbfounded.

"Malcolm," I laughed awkwardly. "you, of course."

"No," he insisted with some confidence. "I've never fucked you, darling. It's you who's fucked me- fucked me over, I mean."

I was speechless. This couldn't be. I tried hard to recall the night before I woke up with those bruises.

What the hell happened, then?

He could be lying, I thought in my head. He has to be.

Matter of fact, it's better for my sanity if he's telling the truth, that he's never had his way with me.

*

Later that day, over dinner, I rolled my peas across the fine china with my fork.

"Haven't talked all day, still thinking about that thing inside of you?" asked Malcolm.

I fixed my posture and cleared my throat.

Since he brought it up, I was going to keep on with the lie that I was with child.

He's a lot of things, evil included, but he can and will not make me get an abortion. And since he hates children, there's no way he'll keep me here if I choose to have one. I saw no down side to this.

Or so I thought. . .

"I'm going to have this baby," I gritted.

"I see," he talked while chewing slowly.

"And, um, tell me who's it by so I can kill the motherfucker."

I gulped hard. Oh. Holy. Shit.

"I-it's yours, honey," I stressed, rubbing the back of his hand that was on his lap, not that he could feel it.

I smiled in his face, hoping it was convincing or at least cute enough to distract him.

"That night you took those drugs, you tried swinging on me. You fought me, and Sage came in to stop you but you got physical with him as well. He had to defend himself somehow, see. I haven't experienced you, fully, yet. Oh, but I plan to. Mm."

"No," I breathed out.

"Yes," he countered. "There's security footage of it, if you would like to see?"

I just shook my head in disbelief.

"Now," Malcolm talked with a strict handclap. "go run the water for my bath. Thanks."

***

"-And how was school?" I made sure to ask my niece.

It felt like forever since I had last spent time with Quinn. She was thriving in school (day care) and looked just as happy as always.

I regretted all the time I'd been away from her, busy with Chris, Jasmine, Malcolm, the B&B, or the café.

So my main goal was to solely focus on her for the full day until Callie was back from her day trip with Jesse.

I hardly talked to Jesse the night we met. So much had happened, and so much has happened since then, too. He was handsome, seemed nice enough. But don't they all? I know Callie, I know her pattern with these men - these relationships. If you can even call them that. She falls head over heels in love so fast just to be let down. Hard. And just as fast.

It took a lot out of me not to warn her, advise her not to go back to her old ways - the crazy girlfriend who will fall into a deep depression once they inevitably leave her. I just couldn't do it because she had someone, she was smiling again, laughing at his jokes, and giggling at their texts.
Even at her age, it was adorable to see them in that puppy stage, you know? How could I take this ray of sunshine from her or tell her not to get too comfortable because it will end, and I'm not ready for the fall out?
Besides, there was nothing keeping them apart. I could just be bitter.
She said she was jealous of me, but now it's the other way around. She has someone she can be with with no restrictions or limits - publicly. This sounds corny but they can live out loud. I love it for her, hate it for me.

But I tried not to think about that.

Jasmine and Jabari were really thinking about the next steps in their relationship, saying he was going to be moving in with her finally after they discussed it briefly after meeting. I think they're just rushing because Jabari needs a new place since his lease with his roommate is up soon. Anyway, it wasn't my business, and I'm happy for them.

I'm so happy for everyone. . .

"School was okay, Squirt," she bubbled, picking flowers from the grass on the side of the track we walked along.

I stopped so she could pick a few more. The flowers were nothing special, no one else would really pay attention to them as they grow everywhere, but Quinn's a child and that's what you do when you're a child.

"Here, Squirt!" She exclaimed, making me bend down.

I giggled and squared only to be crowned with a flower behind my ear.

"Oh, Quinny, thank you," I gasped. "I'll keep it forever!"

She smiled with rosy cheeks and rushed me further along.

"Here?" I asked for the fifth time as we found another spot; this one atop the hill at the local park.

"Hmmm," she hummed with a twisted mouth.

After scoping the land, Quinn nodded, shaking her two pigtails about.

"Okay!" My niece agreed, jumping up and down with excitement. Excitement for all the snacks, I mean.

The October weather was beautiful at sixty-something degrees, or so it said last time I checked on my app.
The leaves had turned colors and I remembered thinking how I couldn't wait for that when I first moved here.
While it was still early in the month, we had a couple of weeks before the first snowfall, so I took advantage, setting up a picnic for my three-year-old and myself.

As I unloaded the picnic basket Mister and Misses Porter lent to me, I stopped and kept my eyes on a playful Quinn, trying to catch a Monarch butterfly in her little hands.
I just watched her exist, capturing this moment with my eyes to have as a memory for later.
She was one of the best things that happened to me. If I made a list, she'd be at the top, probably first place. . . I think Chris is the second best thing.

"Look, Squirt, look!" Her girlish infantile voice squeaked.

I shook my head, snapping out of it, and looked.

The butterfly had landed right on her nose.

Quinn stared at it, cross-eyed, and when she laughed a little too hard, it flew away.

"Bye-bye, butterfly!" Her voice boomed as she waved, running after it.

When she disappeared over the hill, I got worried.

"Quinn?" I called out.

"Quinn!"

Finally, I stood in a small panic and stomped after her.

Childish laughter ascended the hill and I squinted to see who my niece was with.

My arms dropped from a pretzel over my chest once I recognized the stranger.

I tried wiping away the smile that so desperately tried to form on my lips, but I couldn't help myself.

"Look who I ran into," he talked, my niece on his hip.

I smiled bashfully, looking down at the grass for a second.

"Literally, I ran into her," he laughed. "Quinn, how many fingers am I holding up?"

She blinked, looking at his three fingers.

"Five?" asked Quinn, scratching her head.

"Close enough," he shrugged, letting her down.

I pulled Quinn's back close to me, my hands on her shoulders as I made sure she's alright.

When she found a squirrel, she went chasing after that, too. This girl and her animals, what can I say?

"Christopher," I breathed out, patting the sides of my thighs.

Hearing a scream, Chris and I both broke our necks to make sure Quinn was alright, and she was, just excited.

Phew.

I returned my attention to the jogger in his grey shorts, black Nike sneakers, white Nike socks, and a matching hat to the front. No shirt on, only a weighted training vest.

"I didn't know you were a runner," I said my thoughts aloud.

Whenever I had time, I came here to run, too, but it was rare since everything with Malcolm. Still, it's a beautiful park.

When he didn't say anything, only stood over me with a crooked smile, I laughed awkwardly.

"I don't know why it's always so weird," I cracked, unable to meet his gaze.

"It doesn't have to be," Chris said, "come here."

Oh my gosh.

I gulped as he swallowed me with his muscles and held me for what seemed like two whole minutes.

I needed that, I'll admit.

Of course I fell victim to his signature scent and admired the light layer of sweat over his tattooed arms.

Is it odd that my heart rate slowed down actually? I was put at ease in his hold and felt a sense of security- a sense of home.

"Do you want to maybe join us? Gummy bears, chocolate-sprinkle cupcakes, and juice pouches, we have it all," I tried to joke, doing this awkward Vanna White impression to show Chris the picnic setup.

"You had me at gummy bears," he agreed, chuckling.

I led the way and he grabbed my hand as we walked further up the hill.

When I paused for a second to see his hand on mine, Chris blinked.

"What," he questioned, "friends can hold hands, can't they?"

*

"-You did what?!" Chris laughed so hard he snorted.

My face was burning red with embarrassment, I couldn't believe I was telling him such a story.

I playfully frowned. "I pooped myself, ugh! In my defense, I told the teacher that I had to go, my stomach felt bad."

Chris held his stomach as his laughter picked up. I'd never seen him so amused, it was contagious.

"Nasty," he made fun, finally calming down.

Where had the time gone? It was sunset before I knew it.

Quinn fell asleep on the large picnic blanket after a buffet of junk food. I know it's not healthy, but we'll call it a cheat day, I'm sure she eats fine every other day.

"I was in the fourth grade, okay? Whatever." I excused with an eye roll.

"Please, tell me more," he chuckled, popping another green grape into his mouth. Together, we'd eaten so many, the whole bunch was nearly gone.

"So you can hang them over my head? Unh-unh!" I remarked smartly, nudging him with my elbow.

Chris only laughed through his nose and then noticed my hand had fallen on top of his.

I almost moved it but he didn't say anything and it felt normal, so I stayed there.

"Look at that sunset," I suspired.

"When I was younger, I thought the sun was following me," Chris said, staring at the horizon.

I giggled a bit. "I think we all did."

"One day, I was so convinced, I had my parents chase it down. They tried to tell me it was so high in the sky that it just looked like it was following me but I wouldn't listen. They drove three hours that day, chasing the sun for me," said Chris.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't know why I said that, I guess that's my embarrassing story - shows you how dumb I am."

I kind of smile. It wasn't dumb, just cute and innocent. Really speaks to how great Mary and Carter are as parents.

"If it makes you feel any better, I use to try to watch the sky turn dark. I never could catch the moment before it gets black, you know? No matter how long I sat there waiting, I'd always forget or get distracted and look away and miss it. My theory used to be it just switches on and off when we're not looking. 'Cause you can watch the sunset but it's not pitch black as soon as the sun sets, right, and you can see when the sky gets lighter in the morning, as the sun comes up. But I can never see the moment the sky actually gets dark," I spilled.

"It's like when you try to watch the light turn on and off in the refrigerator," Chris offered, his mouth full of grapes.

My jaw dropped. Mind = blown.

"Exactly!" I gasped at his most accurate comparison. "Wow."

A big yawn from the three-year-old let me know she was awake.

"I wanna go home," she whined, rubbing her tired eyes.

Her short, blonde hair was all over the place and she had imprinted lines on the side of her face, letting me know she slept good for that half an hour Chris talked.

"Okay," I spoke quietly, "let's get you home."

"Can you-" I tried to ask for his help.

Chris quickly caught on and lent me a hand with the food and picnic blanket while I carried Quinn.

"Thank you," I said softly to Chris once I got Quinn properly in her car seat.

"That's a good look on you," he voiced low.

"What?" I asked, nervous, thinking something was in my hair.

Then I saw his eyes allude to the toddler and I cracked up.

"Oh," I spouted, twirling the ends of my hair.

I stole another prolonged look at his bronzed face and that hair that grew on his chin and upper lip. He looked good with the stubble, I silently wished he'd keep it but he said he hates mustaches, and probably had just been forgetting to shave it.

"Well, thank you," I stated, flustered.

"So I'm going to see you at Jas's party tonight, right? What was it, hot and grown something-something?" He made fun of our friend's adult Halloween themed party tonight.

I lightly laughed. "Grown and sexy Halloween costume party, yes. You will see me there."

Chris just nodded and then started to help me in the car before I said, "Actually, I'll be at your mom's later; she's helping me with cupcakes - dessert for the party. Maybe you- I mean, we can, um-"

He cut me off, reading my mind. "Yes, Morgan, I'll pick you up."

I giggled, tucking the fallen hair behind my ear. "Yeah, that."

He smiled wide this time and then walked away finally, saying he'd see me tonight.

I was cheesing so hard when I got in the car, hoping he didn't see me because I definitely didn't have tinted windows on my Toyota.

That's when my phone rang. It was Callie, interrupting my celebration.

"Hey, your costume just got delivered, it's at my place," she let me know.

"Oh!" I lit up, reversing the Camry so I could get there in a hurry. "Cal, that was perfect timing, I'll be there in thirty!"