TW: SA (not depicted, alluded to)

***

"And though the coldness I have always felt leaves me, the numbness doesn't and probably never will. this relationship will probably lead to nothing... this didn't change anything."

Morgan Ann Bennett

I didn't know he'd find out, and I definitely didn't know that he would react like this.

What was I supposed to do? Keep bullshitting Malcolm, say I have a STD or that I'm on my period for the third time this month alone? I tried giving him excuses, I tried leaving, and look where it got me: nowhere. Just a lot of trauma.

That gun could've had no bullets in it that day for all I know but the idea of him shooting himself was enough to scare me into staying. I'm fucking trapped and I don't know what part of that Chris doesn't understand.

And it's not like I touched Malcolm. I've held his hand before, linked arms, hugged him, and kissed his cheek even, but I'll stare directly into the sun for five interrupted minutes before I ever go there with that man.

I had no idea how he found out, Teddy either.

I knew I should've told him when he asked me but how could I?

"Yes, guy who I'm sexually involved with, I let your UNCLE eat me out before."

No.

In my defense, what else did Chris expect? No. No, I'm not going to play the victim. Although, that is true. I mean, I came here for Malcolm, Chris just happened to sweep me off of my feet.

God, and maybe I wouldn't be so stressed over this if I didn't— if I wasn't— ah, fuck it, I think I really like this man. My feelings are soon going to be out of my control, I can't suppress them forever.

Or maybe this is for the best, I hope everyone finds out so Malcolm can just leave me the fuck alone.

Oh, as if it'll be that easy. I'd try it, but I fear someone will get seriously hurt, if not me, then Malcolm. Obviously Malcolm has paid the law enforcement off so if it came down to it, Chris isn't getting off easy.

I tried calling and texting, FaceTiming and reaching out via social media, but he opened all of my messages and ignored me.

At least he sees them, right? Means he's reading the messages?

I just wish I knew what he was thinking, if there was a way to bounce back from this.

I even talked to Jabari, but he didn't have much to say. He said this is between Chris and I, and that I did fuck up. Of course that's the truth but I didn't need to hear it, what I needed is solutions and to make this right with Chris.

His birthday is in a week. I considered throwing him a party as a surprise but I'm sure I'm the last person he'd want to see. Besides, he's so ignorant, he'd just blow up on me again or straight up leave his own celebration.

For days I avoided Mary and Carter, mostly Mary. I love them and she's been there for me, but I draw the line at discussing my sex life with their son. Sure I wanted her advice but that is her son at the end of the day, and I'm not sure if I'd like her wisdom if it was possibly anything along the lines of: just leave or end it.

"Morgan, darling, I can't sleep with all of your crying," Malcolm said upon me entering the room.

My back was to the door and I sniffled.

"Sorry," I wept.

"Well, what is it? Did Hana not fix your dessert? I told her to prepare your favorite," Malcolm hissed, rising from the mattress.

I used my forearm as a tissue, swiping the sleeve across my face to take away the wetness.

"No, no," I insisted, trudging across the fur carpet. "dessert was fine."

"Then why are you keeping me up?"

I pulled my lips into my mouth to keep something nasty from slipping through my swollen lips.

"Sorry," is all I could spit out as I sat at his feet.

"Hey," he cooed, crawling over to me.

"What is it, darling? Here," he offered an ear.

I exhaled and it hurt. My chest hurt like my head and my heart.

The worst part was I could no thing. I couldn't vent to anyone or even run away right now.

All I wanted to do was apologize to Chris, and that's apparently not enough for him.

I didn't want to be in this position at all, it was fucking with me so bad, I wanted to scream.

Malcolm clicked on his bedside lamp and dropped from the bed.

My vision was blurred as I watched him unlace my high tops and remove my socks.

"Just sit back, darling," he breathed boldly.

I tried to stop my lips from quivering but the contractions became involuntary.

Fuck, I just couldn't stop thinking about him!

Before, when Chris got mad or in his little moods, I found him so hot. His husky voice is so damn attractive it would make me wet, even when he yelled or said something that was meant to hurt my feelings or someone else's. But this time, this was different. It was scary. And not him fighting-at-the-basketball-game scary, but scary like he meant every word. He was disgusted, and that hurt more than anything because I could do all the apologizing in the world, but even if he did forgive me, how could he ever touch me again or look at me the same? That's the killer part.

I like Chris for who he is, all that comes with him, and even the layered I haven't peeled back yet. The attraction was there physically as well as on a deeper level before we kissed or first touched. So, I know I could continue to have feelings for him if we never got to be intimate again. Would it be the same? No. But I'd take it if that's the only way I could have him in my life after this - platonically.

I blinked down at Malcolm who was pressing his fingers into the bottoms of my feet, and I felt nothing. I couldn't, I was numb. This heartache was so real, so daunting, that I couldn't feel anything good. Guilt. I felt guilt. Shame, too, you can add that to the list.
Dirty? I already felt dirty when I let Malcolm go down on me in the first place, so Chris didn't need to throw that in, I'm glad he didn't because trust me, I sat in the tub for a good hour or two and soaked afterwards, even contemplated using bleach.

And Malcolm was rough, not even trying to please me, he just hoped this would turn me on. It felt nothing stimulating unlike when Chris rubbed my feet after a long night out in heels.
Ugh, and now everything comes back to Chris. Great. I can't even know peace in my own head.

This. Is. Torture.

When I tried taking my feet back, Malcolm squeezed me by the ankles.

He gave me a stern look and said, "Let me take care of you."

I trembled on the edge of the bed.

Hell has to be just like this.

If Malcolm is Hades, I am Persephone: the main antagonist of God of War: Chains of Olympus. She is the ancient Greek Goddess of Spring and Innocence who was cursed to be both the wife of Hades and the Goddess of the Underworld.

His lips burned my flesh as the moved from my feet up to the fabric covering my inner thighs.

The sensation grew no more tolerable as he lied on top of me and kissed along my neck.

I balled my fists and rolled my ankles as I squirmed at his touch.

"Malcolm, please," I sobbed. "I can't do this. I don't want to do this with you."

He looked down at me, appalled.

In the next instant, his hand gripped my jaw and I instinctively tried prying his fingers from my face.

He pressed his lips to mine, muffling my objections, and didn't stop until I struggled to breath.

Malcolm gasped for air and pushed my head to the side.

I crawled back against the grand headboard, knees to my chest, and hyperventilated.

Malcolm found some pills in his drawer and presented them to me.

"No," I croaked.

He lifted my chin and stared down at me through cryptic eyes.

"Fucking take them. It'll stop all that crying, you're giving me a damn headache," his voice thundered.

I didn't want to, but I did. If it'll take the pain away and just put me to sleep where I didn't have to deal with this, or Malcolm.

*

I woke up to Hana drawing the curtains in the master bedroom.

My head throbbed like between my legs.

Ouch.

I was sore. But from what?

"H-Hana?" It pained my hoarse throat to speak. She couldn't hear me.

There was an intense feeling in my back as well but I ignored it, fixating on the redness around my wrists.

My vision hadn't yet cleared, it was still fuzzy as I read the time on the digital LED alarm clock to my right.

1:14pm

Hana was humming along to a song in her head as she turned and gasped at the sight of me now awake.

"Morgan, no, no!" She exclaimed, rushing to my aide.

I started to feel a quickened heartbeat in my chest.

"Hana," I rasped. "Hana? What happened?"

It hurt to talk but I had to. I needed to know what she knew because she looked frightened, tucking me under the covers.

"Hana," I cried, grabbing her arms. "What did he do to me?"

She just bowed her head, almost black-colored eyes darting about with a compromised look in them.

"Hana!" I screamed and immediately wished I hadn't.

Following the turn of her back on me, Hana scurried out of the room, taking her feather-duster with her.

The door slammed shut. I was left alone in the vile man's room, stuck with no recollection of the night because I took drugs solely to escape.

Is this what Chris thinks I wanted? I didn't. I said no. Didn't I? Why then am I naked in this painfully cold bed with bruises that weren't here before?

All I could do was cry.

***

"Congratulations, your results are all negative," the nurse said after all of the rapid tests that afternoon.

"Are you sure?!" I gasped.

She laughed small. "I'm positive that you're negative, yes."

I would've appreciated that pun more if I wasn't in such a frantic mental state.

Nurse Lindey went on to tell me to be safe. She also stuck her nose in places where it didn't belong, asking about the acute redness on my wrists. It had went down some from the two days before when I discovered them, but we're still visible and I hated that. I didn't want anyone to see, especially anyone who cared about me because they'd all know it was Malcolm and probably riot.

Half an hour later, I met Kailyn at a vegan place downtown, bypassing some traffic and overlooking a lot of construction.

I took it all in, what they were doing with the place. It could be really something if they did it right, whoever buys the plaza. Well, whatever they were going to do, I was in support of it over Malcolm's idea for a "titty bar" and smoke shop.

"You're late," Kailyn said to me.

She had just exited the shop with two drinks in her hand: an iced coffee for me, and a chai tea for her.

"I was running errands," I made up but it wasn't a total lie. The trip to the clinic can count as an errand, right?

The day was a cool one, a nice breeze danced across my face and twirled my hair that I didn't bother to wash in the last couple of days.

Kailyn led the way down the sidewalk because they didn't have outside seating but we wanted to walk and talk, just catch up.

"Aye, baby!" One worker yelled from across the street.

"Is he talking to me?" Kailyn smirked, removing the drink from her lips.

I ignored them at first and kept walking towards safer grounds.

His friend whistled. "You with the big titties, come here, baby!"

"Okay, that one was definitely for you," Kailyn laughed.

"Don't even look over there, they just want attention," I told Chris's little cousin.

She had on athleisure which was a step up from that same old black jacket, loose leggings, and dirty Air Force ones. I told her that we'd be making some changes to her overall look as well as her on the inside, and that she can't be seen with me looking like a Bhad Babie knock off anymore.

She's actually a cute girl and can be so much more if she was herself. Her tweed-light-cool-brown hair was long and in two bubble ponytails which I liked because it let the world see her sweet baby face. And that's exactly what she was, a baby.

"I like attention," Kailyn purred, starting to walk across the street.

"What the hell are you doing?!" I yelled at her, chasing her down in the middle of the road to stop her from approaching the cat-calling men.

"I'm going to talk to them, they're hot, and I hear construction workers make bank," she said like it was no big deal.

"Are you dumb or stupid? Those men don't want you, they will take advantage of you, or are you that damn desperate you don't care? You know what, go over there. Go. And ask them what the hell they want with a sixteen-year-old girl," I scolded her like I was Julia, her mother.

Kailyn grew visibly upset but I think she took what I said as a challenge because she stormed over to the men.

Steam probably came from my ears, I was so pissed, seeing the group of four older men getting excited as she approached.

I didn't want to put myself, or Kailyn, in a position but I ran over and snatched her up.

I know she's no family of mine and she's a kid who I just met this summer, so I shouldn't overstep, but I felt like I owed her something: my protection, or at least to steer her down the right path.

I put myself in front of Kailyn's body and stared right into the eyes of the blue collar workers.

"Disgusting. All of you. You look damn near fifty, you all could be her grandparents. This girl is sixteen, much like your daughters I'm sure. And I see wedding rings on those dirty fingers, you should be ashamed. Trifling motherfuckers. And if I catch you all staring as we walk away I will personally get your records from your job — Baro construction, is it— and get the names of your wives and daughters, call them, and let them know that you all like little girls," I told them off.

Their faces fell, no longer were they horny or riddled with elation, thinking they were going to do whatever with Kailyn.

"Have a good day," Kailyn taunted as I shoved her body back to the other side of the road.

The men said nothing.

I looked over my shoulder to see if there eyes were on us and they weren't. Good on them, but I won't applaud a fish for swimming.

Our footsteps were heavy, mine were deafening as I walked with a purpose to get her back to my car.

Kailyn laughed as I flung her body into the Toyota.

"What's the matter with you, why are you laughing? Do you know what men like that would've done to you?!" I raised my voice.

"Relax, Mom, I'm grown," she tried to say.

"Grown? Smoking doesn't make you grown. Having tits and sleeping around doesn't make you grown. Lying about your age doesn't make you grown. Shaking your ass on TikTok for thirty likes doesn't make you grown. It makes you pathetic. Quinn-"

Kailyn curled her face. "Who is Quinn?"

I stopped and collected myself.

Oh my God. This whole time I had been treating Kailyn like this, taking her under my wing, because she's the manifestation of an older Quinn, or everything I hope my niece won't be. This is a test. I'll be damned if Quinn turns out like this, though.

"One day, before you know it, you'll have real responsibilities, one's you didn't ask for. You do it anyway because you have a family that needs you, and without you, they won't make it. You'll try any and everything to make life better until you're no longer living, just surviving, loving them more than you love yourself. Something will come along and you think it's your golden ticket out but it's not. Don't get fooled by the glitter, it isn't gold. Just... be yourself. Be a teenager. You have it so good, and you don't even realize. It's easy now, why are you trying to make it something it's not? This isn't you," I delivered, wholeheartedly believing every word as they came out with no forethought.

Kailyn gulped hard, her eyes tearing up. "How do you know? How do you know who I am?"

I popped my shoulder. "I don't know who you are, just who you aren't. You're not dumb, you're not ugly, and you're not from the hood," I laughed at the end.

She joined in the laughter and wiped her tears away.

"I'm sorry, Morgan," she whispered, face in my chest as we shared a hug.

"Don't be," I said, "not to me. You're going to be here for the school year, just promise you'll go into it as yourself."

"How do I do that? I don't know who I am," she admitted.

I picked her chin up and then squared her shoulders. "You'll learn, I'll help. And, ooo, we can start at cheer tryouts!"

Kailyn's face lit up, I knew she was ecstatic but she didn't say it out loud.

"You think I'll make it?"

I straightened my face. "Girl, if you don't, they'll be hearing from me."

I made Kailyn laugh.

"Plus I know half the girls, and the coach, they come in the café all the time," I added.
Kailyn let my body go so I could walk around to the driver's side of the silver Camry.

"I can't even do a toe touch," she complained.

I stared at Kailyn through the open window.

"Go for it."

"Right now?"

I nodded eagerly.

Kailyn put her drink on top of the car and poorly executed what was supposed to be a toe touch.

I held in my laugh until she settled into the passenger seat.

"Um," my voice went up an octave. "on second thought, maybe we can take them some muffins to persuade them. Have you considered another fall sport?"

Kailyn's mouth was agape with playful shock at me.

I laughed. "Soccer? Field hockey? Cross country?"

She shook her head, turning up the volume to my music.

As we rode by the vacant plaza, Kailyn put her head out of the window for fresh air.

"What do you think they're gonna build?" she asked me, sitting back down.

"I vote for a restaurant - a Black Elk and Red Sage collab," I stated, eyes on the lone road.

"Hm," Kailyn sounded, intrigued. "I can see that. The café could expand their menu, and they'd get a lot of business if they stayed up later."

"Plus your aunt and uncle could really use the space, people love the buffet at the B&B but they're so short-staffed and it's not a huge dining room," I listed.

Kailyn and I looked at each other, wide eyed, both l suddenly hit with an idea at the same time. . .