MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

(a great screen background photo by @/zeprimadonuts on IG it's lit i could send a gud pic if you want it)

hAH y'all weren't expecting an update were you??? TOO BAD YA GOT ONE

I HAVE A CHAPTER FOR YOU GUYS! I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS EVEN THO UM...

! TRIGGER WARNING !
(drug use)

I HOPE YOU HAVE A LOVELY DAY AND YOU GET ALL OF YOUR PRESENTS OR IF YOU DON'T CELEBRATE JUST LOVE EVERYONE AND BE AMAZING AND AWESOME

Love y'all and I hope you enjoy!

(Previously, CY and BH kissed and CY left without BH knowing who he was yadda yadda)

[♤]

PART THREE
"I N E E D Y O U"
III : IV

Chanyeol stumbled into the taxi, his balance skewed and his brain a complete mess of goo.

What the hell did I just do?

He mumbled the address to his apartment, barely coherent to the driver's answer as he focused primarily on the burning of his lips and the way his hands now felt cold from the absence of Baekhyun's hips.

Baekhyun's.

"Holy shit," Chanyeol mumbled to himself, leaning back in his seat as the previous situation ran through his head multiple times—the feeling of Baekhyun in his arms burned into his mind.

One moment, he was sitting at the bar, stirring his drink and letting the ice mellow out the strong alcoholic taste, and the next, his eyes were drifting to the dance floor, becoming glued to a figure that he recognized too well.

He remembered thinking that he had no idea what he was doing when he stood up, abandoning his drink entirely as he slowly made his way to the dance floor. He wasn't even that drunk but his feet had seemed to move on its own, entranced by the man that he had pushed away himself.

It was when the music changed that Chanyeol reached the other, standing only a couple of feet away as he contemplated whether or not to take the remaining steps. A second later, he figured that the world made its own choice for Baekhyun was stumbling right into his arms.

He couldn't explain what it felt like to hold Baekhyun again. After more than a month of being away from Baekhyun, having him in his arms nearly convinced Chanyeol that this was just a dream. It made his brain go numb and his fingertips tingle; his senses on fire and his consciousness dimmed out. Before he knew it, he was swaying to the song's melody with the brunet, burying his face in Baekhyun's hair and pressing little kisses onto his head that used to make Baekhyun grin in the cutest way.

Chanyeol already knew that what he was doing was crossing both of their boundaries but he couldn't seem to stop himself, and that was the second time that he recalled thinking that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing.

He hadn't expected it but Baekhyun's hand snuck up and his fingers wound into Chanyeol's hair, his head tilted back and turned so that they were so close he could smell the fruity alcohol on the shorter's breath. Baekhyun seemed to pause there, hesitating, but Chanyeol's body moved on its own and he killed the distance between them, pressing his lips on Baekhyun's.

And then the rest of it was an explosion of colour.

Baekhyun turned in his arms.

Baekhyun's fingers gripped his hair tighter.

Baekhyun pressed his body harder against his own.

Baekhyun cried—Chanyeol knew because he had felt the drops on his fingertips when he reached up to cup his face.

Baekhyun, Baekhyun, Baekhyun.

That was when Chanyeol learned what he was doing.

He was kissing his ex-boyfriend. He was mourning for his ex-boyfriend, whom he had broken up with because he believed the love was there no more. He was being stupid.

It wasn't Baekhyun's fault that he pulled away. He pulled away because he had taken advantage of Baekhyun, who was drunk and obviously had no idea who was holding him. Who was kissing him. Chanyeol wasn't so sure that Baekhyun would accept this if he had been sober. He had kissed Baekhyun on the dance floor when he should've been giving the other space.

And yes, it hurt him to think that Baekhyun could've been doing this on every other night, kissing random strangers that started dancing with him and charming everyone in the room. It hurt but Chanyeol decided that he should get used to it. Whenever Baekhyun was involved, Chanyeol always hurt himself in one way or another.

He left thinking that Baekhyun didn't even have a clue of who he was.

~

"You look terrible."

"Is that supposed to be a joke?" Baekhyun asked, flipping through his notebook as he tried not to let the numbers blur together in his vision. That always happened when he wasn't paying attention.

"Maybe. But, I mean, you look better than you have in the past month," Sooyoung commented, sitting down in the seat across from Baekhyun. "I got your coffee."

Baekhyun accepted the drink gratefully, taking the Cascara Latte without a second thought. In times like those, coffee was his best friend.

In times like those, where it had been at least two weeks since his last visit to the club, coffee was his only friend.

Ever since he kissed—or was kissed by—a stranger, Baekhyun didn't go back. He was afraid that he'd do it again; kiss some nobody because he was missing Chanyeol. God, he thought, when he was finally alone again, How long am I supposed to suffer?

But Sooyoung was right, he was doing a little better. He had been burying himself in his work, forgetting about the world around him and spending all-nighters finishing projects (instead of thinking of Chanyeol). The ache in his chest was still there and it would probably be there forever, but at least he was now better at pretending it didn't exist.

Chanyeol was slowly becoming a thing of the past.

At least, he hoped so.

~

It was Christmas Eve.

Baekhyun didn't know how the date had so sneakily caught up with him but here he was, already halfway through the day. He honestly hadn't even remembered that Christmas was even close, busying himself with other things instead.

The brunet glanced at the papers strewn on his desk and he let out a sigh, realizing that this Christmas would be another one spent alone.

Just then, he had a random thought, suddenly thinking back to Jongdae. He wondered who Jongdae was spending his Christmas with.

The guy seemed nicer. Different, but definitely nicer.

Maybe time just made Jongdae realize that everything he had found important was not so important anymore. His life had probably been rough and he ended up someplace that no one would have ever expected, seeming shy and even embarrassed at points.

When Baekhyun recalled how Jongdae had said that he loved Chanyeol with so much assertion, he decided that he wanted to meet him again.

That's how Baekhyun found himself on Friday night, roaming around Walmart until 6 PM rolled around (which was the time the manager said Jongdae was off). He had been in the middle of strolling around the baby crackers section when the alarm he set for himself went off, and he was dashing around the store.

He found Jongdae near the back of the store, stacking up some boxes that seemed to be filled with toys. The moment the man turned around, his eyes widened when he spotted Baekhyun there, still in his suit from work and panting a little because of his haste to find Jongdae.

"Baekhyun?" he questioned, and Baekhyun gave him a small smile.

"Do you wanna talk...?"

They end up in a small bakery ten minutes later, each of them having ordered a strudel and a warm beverage (it was, after all, December).

Baekhyun was stirring his hot chocolate, the taste of his cherry strudel still on his tongue as he brought the cup up for a sip. He didn't know where to start—hey Jongdae, how have you been? would've been nice, but he didn't think Jongdae was one to talk like that. After all, Baekhyun hated asking that question. It only reminded everyone that they have not been okay.

But of course, he had to go ahead and ask a question akin to that in his mind.

"How's life?"

Surprisingly, the corner of Jongdae's lip lifted, the male's gaze still on his cup as his thick scarf nearly hid the little smile on his face.

Baekhyun had never seen him this way, and it actually kind of scared him.

"I'm not—" Baekhyun began, suddenly feeling bothered that there were so many unanswered things between them, "I... What happened before, I've already forgiven you and I'm sorry, for any hurt that I did to you back then."

Jongdae suddenly stiffened and he looked up from his cup of coffee, shaking his head nearly frantically. "No. You have nothing to be sorry for. It was me—it was all my fault, for what happened..."

"But I—"

"I was jealous of you," Jongdae confessed. "You were so smart and you were funny and cool and I knew that you'd become more popular than me in no time. We all knew; Minseok, Junmyeon hyung and I."

"So you... were worried about your popularity?" Baekhyun asked, unable to let the bitterness seep through his words. He might've forgiven them but there was no way he'd be able to forget. It was impossible to forget anything. "I just wanted to be your friends."

"I'm so sorry," Jongdae lowered his head, "I was a complete asshole. I was disgusting and I planned things behind your back and Sehun—Jesus, I can't believe I did that kind of stuff." He took in a breath, as if prepared to pour out a whole year's worth of drama and maybe he was. "Everything that I did will always be in your mind, I know that because I haven't forgotten about it either. I did inexcusable things and I made your last year the shittiest in the whole world. I regret everything I did and I know it'll take me at least one hundred bags of Doritos for you to forgive me but just know that I never ever want to hurt you like that again."

Baekhyun hadn't even noticed that Jongdae had spilled a few tears, the younger wiping them by pulling up his scarf and brushing them off.

"It took me several crappy years to realize that I had done everything so wrong and I'm—I never had the courage to face you. I saw you a long time ago, shopping at Walmart, but I always ran and hid. You somehow managed to find me and that's when I knew I had to stop running... Is this sounding like a confession?" Jongdae questioned, letting out a laugh, "Because it isn't, if you're thinking that."

Baekhyun smiled, noticing that Jongdae was just as random as before. He himself was crying a little bit too, because some of the hurt feelings he had kept inside of him were currently being pulled out and thrown away.

It only took Jongdae a couple of paragraphs for Baekhyun to completely forgive him, feeling as if a massive, invisible boulder had been lifted off of his shoulders. He had never noticed it before, had always assumed that it was normal feeling like he did everyday, but now that the pain that had been hiding disappeared, he felt a whole lot lighter.

They talked for a while, sharing random things about their life and rekindling the friendship that they had before (but hopefully a much better friendship this time).

It was alright, until they started talking about some of the things that had been especially hard for them. Baekhyun wanted to stop until they ventured into topics he didn't want to think about but Jongdae didn't seem to notice, doing exactly that.

"And... Baekhyun," Jongdae said, glancing at Baekhyun with eyes filled with so much hurt and sympathy that the brunet really didn't like where this was going. He recognized those eyes. "Everything that happened to you and your family... I'm... I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Baekhyun cut him off, trying to keep the smile on his face even if it was threatening to slip off. "None of that was your fault."

"But you had it so hard and I just made it so much worse. I can't imagine how hard it was; that even Baekbeom—"

"It's none of your business."

Baekhyun shut his lips quickly after, realizing that he had snapped at Jongdae even when the guy was just trying to say sorry.

He wasn't over it, after all.

"Sorry, I'm... I think I'm just going to go now." Baekhyun excused himself, giving Jongdae a half smile as he grabbed all of his stuff. "It was nice talking to you... I'll see you sometime."

It wasn't that Jongdae did anything wrong—he had done a lot of wrong, but not this time. Baekhyun was just over sensitive about the topic of his brother, even when people were just trying to pay their respect.

It had been a while since Baekbeom had been brought up by anyone, so just the thought of him made Baekhyun's heart ache unbearably. He quickly exited the shop and slipped into his car, feeling the oncoming tears from a mile away. It took a moment for the vehicle to start up because of the cold but when it did, he swiftly made it back to his apartment, stopping at the parking lot because that was as far as he could go without bursting into tears.

He leaned his forehead onto the steering wheel, shutting his eyes hard as he tried to forget but the memories were still just as prominent—as if the entire thing had happened yesterday.

Baekhyun wished he could just forget. But he couldn't.

Baekbeom was his brother.

Baekhyun, sitting in the car his brother had suggested he buy, couldn't ever forget that.

His smile was nice and bright; a replica of Baekhyun's, only warmer, and he was the best thing to have happened in seven-year-old Baekhyun's life.

He loved his brother to bits. He was the only one who ever took care of him and the only one to have ever talked to him when he was feeling down.

Those feelings carried on all the way to high school, where Baekhyun admired his brother so much for rejecting his parents' ideals and going to school where he wanted. He was someone Baekhyun aspired to be, even when he found him smoking pot one afternoon. Baekbeom had looked guilty, apologizing to Baekhyun because he knew that the younger admired him—but Baekhyun only shook his head, telling him that he understood but would never do it himself.

He remembered how Baekbeom had ruffled his hair and told him that he was a smart, good person, even when Baekhyun was feeling the exact opposite.

Their relationship was strong and it never really changed, and he got warnings from his parents to "make sure he doesn't influence you". Baekhyun had nodded but forgotten the words the next day, talking to Baekbeom about his future dreams even if they were unrealistically small.

Everything was okay.

Everything was amazing with Baekbeom, until Baekhyun had reached graduation.

At that point in time, he had just pushed away his so-called group of friends and he was known as the school cheater (for dating Sehun when he was with Jongin). Some people even saw him as heartless, because of rumours about Chanyeol.

Baekhyun showed that he couldn't have cared less about what they thought, but in reality, he was dying inside. He was shown that he was a bad person, and now that he fully understood that, everything that he did was just reminding him. He was overly aware of his actions—of what he had already done, and he remembered sitting on Baekbeom's bed and crying as he explained what he was feeling.

Baekbeom had talked to him and he had reassured him that he had time to change—that he always had time to change, but Baekhyun hadn't believed him.

He didn't believe him one bit, because he knew he was a bad person.

He had woken up the next morning to see Baekbeom there, doing whatever kind of drugs that he did, and it was thoughtless when Baekhyun muttered:

"Hey, let me try."

And then everything went downhill.

They got even closer after that—and it could've been seen as a good thing, but it wasn't. It really wasn't, because they began to hang out with someone called Yixing, a sweet Chinese exchange student who received the same addiction as them after hanging out a few times. Baekhyun knew that they shouldn't have been getting more people involved in something like this—he knew it was wrong—knew that Baekbeom should stop, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

It was on a normal Saturday night, where the Byun parents were out at a meeting, that Baekhyun was sitting on the couch, taking long drags of his blunt. He didn't even know what he was taking, but it muddled his brain just enough for him not to care. Baekbeom and Yixing were fooling around on the couch next to him, inhaling the same poison as they laughed and wrestled.

"Hey Baek, 'less go grab some beer," his older brother had drawled.

Baekhyun waved his hand, way too lazy to do anything of the like. "I don't wanna," he had answered, and he remembered seeing Baekbeom's eyes, so obviously out of it but pretending to be fine. Yixing was not any better, and they were suddenly talking about driving to the pool to break in and swim.

Baekhyun was still conscious enough to realize that it was a bad idea. He wasn't in so deep that he couldn't understand things anymore, but he hadn't stopped them. He had even waved goodbye when the two of them left; handed them the car keys with a smile on his face. He watched without a care as Baekbeom and Yixing stumbled out the door, laughing loudly even after the door was closed behind them.

The brunet recalled sitting there, thinking about everything that had happened in the past year and a half. He had taken a break before uni, using the excuse that he wasn't ready, partied every so now and then, and gotten twisted up in Baekbeom's addictions like he was born to do it. By then, Baekhyun had passed through three relationships which were nothing but physical and he really hadn't cared. Not one bit.

He was having thoughts like: "Hey, this lifestyle can't be so bad." He reasoned that it was because he was with people that he actually cared about, and more often than not, he couldn't even understand what he was doing.

He thought that everything was going to be alright, until his phone began ringing so loudly. He remembered thinking that having a phone was such a nuisance and that he shouldn't even answer—but picked up just because he was feeling a litte bored.

He knew something was off the moment he heard a voice that wasn't his parents.

"Hello, Mr. Baekhyun? Are you Byun Baekbeom's brother?"

A few words, the address to the city hospital, and all of a sudden everything tasted like ash.

It was his fault.

Baekhyun could've stopped them but he didn't.

It was his fault.

He waved them goodbye and told them to have fun.

It was all his fault.

From the beginning, he knew that they shouldn't have gone.

Two lives were lost that night.

And Baekhyun had never forgiven himself since.

[♤]

P-Nut oot.