CONTENT WARNING: This story contains fictional depiction of self-harm and suicidal ideation. Reader discretion is highly advised.

CHAPTER 7

THE FIRST THING Kade did after he and his mother checked into a hotel suite with two bedrooms was charge his phone. It had been dead for a couple of days, and he had a feeling he'd be bombarded with messages and e-mails once he turned it on.

And he was not mistaken, but he only replied to two people. His agent, Andrew and his friend, Hale.

To Andrew: I'm out. Let's meet up over dinner.

Below his message was the hotel's address.

To Hale: I'm out and about. Don't worry. Mom is with me. See you at the exhibit.

After he sent his message to Hale, he dialed Xanthie's number. He was one hundred percent certain that a message wouldn't suffice after he read Xanthie's dozens of messages.

"Oh. So, I'm finally allowed to talk to you now, Mr. Kade Black?" Those were Xanthie's words when he picked up.

Hearing his full name from Xanthie's mouth, Kade knew Xanthie was pissed. But knowing that Xanthie looked more handsome than menacing when mad, he could only smile wryly. "Sorry. I was busy."

"Yeah, right."

"I'm with mom."

"You went home?" Xanthie sounded surprised. He knew Kade had issues with his mother, but he didn't know what those issues were. So it surprised Xanthie to hear Kade mention his mother. "You finally made up with her?"

"Kind of."

"That's good." Xanthie's mood changed. He was not angry anymore. He was happy for Kade because to him, family was important more than anything. "How about your dad?"

Kade chuckled as he leaned against the frame of the large glass window overlooking the bustling city. "Mom would skin me alive if I contacted dad. Though I have no plans to, anyway. He could've just told mom he wanted out. Why cheat?"

An amused smile spread across Xanthie's lips. "Coming from a man who changed partners faster than he changed socks, that sounds unbelievable."

Kade grimaced. "All of my partners knew the real score."

Hearing Kade say the word "partner", Xanthie adversely recalled the unfamiliar voice of the man who answered Kade's phone when he called. Up to that very moment, it still bothered him.

"... Xanthie?"

Xanthie blinked and cleared his throat. "Well, I'm glad you're okay and that you made up with your mom."

"Yeah. I'm glad too. Anyway, I'm kind of sleepy so I'm hanging up now. I'll see you at the exhibit."

The smile that had been eluding Xanthie's lips these past few days was back. "Okay. See you there. Take care of yourself and sleep a lot. Bye."

"I will. Bye."

The call ended and Kade immediately put aside his phone to lie on the large bed and rest. For some reason, the moment he closed his eyes, he immediately fell asleep.

Meanwhile, in Montréal, Xanthie's agent, Emmett Harris, frowned at Xanthie who left the room to take a phone call. They were in the middle of a meeting with a famous singer who personally came to Xanthie's house to request an album collaboration with him.

At times like this Emmett gave thanks for Xanthie's reputation in the music industry.

Xanthie Lorenz. A songwriter referred to as a genius in the music industry. Since his first album  garnered attention from record labels, his music had never failed to climb to the top of the charts. He became a sought-after songwriter over the years. It had been a decade since then. His prestige grew as he accumulated awards every year. There were offers to make him a singer, but Xanthie refused, saying that he only wanted to make songs and stay out of the limelight.

That was why, even if Xanthie acted brazenly, like taking a phone call in the middle of a meeting with a famous singer, he could get away with it.

"Sorry about that." Xanthie said as he returned to the room after a few minutes. Then he sat back in his seat and glanced at the famous singer-songwriter, Kat Knox. "As I was saying before, I would love to collaborate with you. Unfortunately, I'm swamped with work at the moment."

He had just accepted a project. He was to compose three soundtracks for a film directed by the director Bowman, who was well known in the film industry. And he was also collaborating with an up-and-coming pop music artist whose album was scheduled to come out early spring next year.

"It's okay. I can wait until the middle of next year." Kat Knox didn't want to leave empty-handed. She really wanted to collaborate with Xanthie Lorenz, who was known for his record-breaking music. "I really, really want to collaborate with you, Mr. Lorenz."

"Let me think about it." Xanthie replied. "My agent will contact you within the week. I have to look at my schedule first before I can decide."

"Thank you so much, Mr. Lorenz!" Kat Knox beamed. That was not a straight "no," like the last time she called, and it was more than enough for her. "I would like to stay and chat more, but we already took up too much of your time, so we'll leave now." Kat Knox was still beaming as she stood up. "I'll patiently wait for your decision, Mr. Lorenz."

Xanthie nodded and watched as Emmett walked the guests out. His private office became silent immediately, and he thought of Kade.

That made him frown. Kade had been filling up his mind lately. After his last visit, he could feel Kade's deliberate attempts to avoid him. His phone was always turned off, and he stopped messaging him back.

It didn't really bother him before when Kade wouldn't answer his calls because by the end of the day, Kade would inform him that he was just busy painting and that he's fine. But now Kade was consciously avoiding him.

He had reached out to Andrew, Kade's agent. However, Andrew assured him that Kade was just on vacation, soul-searching, and that he didn't need to worry, which made him worry even more.

Kade was soul-searching? Yeah, right. He might've believed Andrew if he told him that Kade was busy sleeping around again. But soul-searching? Hell would freeze over first.

Xanthie's thoughts were interrupted when Emmett returned to his private room, looking exasperated.

"What?" Xanthie asked.

Emmett blew a loud breath as he dropped himself on the single sofa he had been sitting on earlier. "Who called you earlier? Wait—never mind. I'm sure it was Kade."

Xanthie looked genuinely curiously at Emmett. "How did you know it was Kade?"

Emmett wanted to roll his eyes, but held back. "Only Kade could make you leave a meeting like that."

"Well, yeah. He's family." It was a nonchalant automatic reply, but anyone could hear Xanthie's fervent attachment to Kade.

Emmett's eyebrows were so furrowed that one could slide a nickel in between them and it wouldn't fall out. "Family? Really?"

"Yes. He's family." Xanthie's expression softened. "He was there when I was sick, alone, lonely and when I had nothing but a penny. I wish he would ask me something—anything in return... but he never did."

Emmett sighed seeing Xanthie's expression. It was too tender. An expression not fitting for someone who's talking about a family member. Well... that's just me, Emmett thought before taking a deep breath and changing the topic.

"By the way, how was the visit to Fey's family? Last night was the fourth time this month, right? Are they pressuring you two to get married fast?"

Xanthie's expression instantaneously changed from tender to stiff. "Yes. They are."

"And? What's the verdict? As your agent, I have to know the details so I can adjust your schedule just in case."

Xanthie leaned against the back of the sofa. "I'm letting Fey decide."

Emmett clicked his tongue and shook his head. "You are always passive when it comes to your wedding. Just get married already. What's the difference if you get married now or later?"

"It's Fey's decision." Xanthie's voice was firm.

Emmett sighed. "Whatever. Just inform me if there're changes."

"There probably won't be any changes. We have already sent the invitations."

"I guess. By the way, when are you going to Toronto for Kade's exhibit?" Emmett suddenly remembered receiving an invitation just the other day.

"The day before the exhibit. Fey wanted to enjoy Toronto for a day."

"Oh. Fey's coming with you?" Emmett seemed surprised.

"Yeah. Kade invited her too."

"Hmm." Emmett just hummed before he pondered. "Kade is family, and Fey will eventually join your family after the wedding. I wonder how Kade will treat her. He's been good to you. Maybe he'll treat her the same way he treats you."

Xanthie stiffened at that, and it did not escape Emmett's watchful gaze.

"What?" Emmett smiled teasingly at Xanthie. "You don't want that?"

Xanthie couldn't answer Emmett as confusion and unwillingness stirred inside him.

"Look at you, looking so unwilling." Emmett said while chuckling at Xanthie and shaking his head. "Are you really that averse to the idea of Kade treating someone the same as he treats you?"

Am I? Xanthie was confused—no... he was bothered. Yes, that was the right term. Bothered. He was bothered because that seemed to be the case.

Emmett let out a sigh. "Ah, whatever. My head hurts." He got up and took the document from Xanthie's table before he bade goodbye to Xanthie. "I'll call if something comes up. Bye."

Xanthie just nodded at Emmett while remaining immobile in his seat. The idea that Kade might treat someone the same way he treated him made him feel complicated.

But why? It was not like he was Kade's only friend. That's right. Kade had other friends. Like Andrew and Hale. But those two didn't bother him like he was bothered now.

Why is that? What's the difference?

Xanthie was still mulling it over while having dinner.

"Is something bothering you?"

When Fey's voice reached his ears, he blinked and calmed his thoughts. "Nothing much. Don't mind me."

"You look bothered." Fey continued observing Xanthie. "Is it Kade?"

He blinked and asked Fey with a frown, "Why do you sound as if it was a given that when I'm bothered, it has something to do with Kade?"

"Is that not always the case...?"

Xanthie couldn't rebuke Fey. It was indeed what she surmised. He was bothered because of Kade. Again.

Xanthie returned his attention to his plate. "Never mind."

Throughout dinner, Xanthie remained silent. Bothersome thoughts that he couldn't get rid of preoccupied his mind.

After dinner, he went to his studio and busied himself with composing a soundtrack for a film.

The melody from the piano filled the room for hours until it gradually died down as dawn approached. Only when sunrise seeped through the thin curtain did Xanthie stop and sleep on his bed in his studio.

KADE WAS AWARE how much his emotions fluctuated in a day. They changed at the drop of a hat, without warning. Right after he woke up, he felt empty. After breakfast, he felt heavy. Before lunch, he didn't want to move. After lunch and taking medicine, he felt like laughing. Then later in the day, he went back to feeling empty, followed by anger.

Kade felt like he was losing his mind and he only had his medicine to keep himself in check.

It was exhausting.

In addition to his mood changes, his sleep had become scarce once again and when he was lucky and rewarded with sleep, all he did was dream.

Dreams that could never come true. It was a nightmare every time he woke up. It was more exhausting and terrifying than not falling asleep at all.

He wanted a dreamless sleep, but when did things go his way?

Although from the outside, hiding all his struggles, was a smile, as if he was having a blast.

"How are you feeling today?" His mother asked as they called room service and shared breakfast in their suite.

His automatic answer was "I'm fine", but he held it down and told his mother the truth with a smile. "Horrible."

Seeing the casual smile on Kade's lips while saying "horrible", Kaye could only sigh at her son. She felt helpless because there was nothing she could do for him. All she could do was be there, and she felt powerless.

"Is there anything you want to do today? You never leave the hotel. Go out for once. Don't you feel cooped up in here?" Kaye was trying to treat Kade the way she treated him before. Kade's doctor advised her not to change the way she treated him or to become obsessively caring. It might make Kade uncomfortable.

Kade sipped his coffee as if he was a refined gentleman and calmly replied, "I feel like my mind is fucked up these days. I don't want to get attacks in the middle of the street."

Kaye looked at her son, who had a calm face and a casual smile. "Kade, you don't have to force yourself to smile around me."

"Let my smile be, mom. It's the only weapon I have in the war with myself. If I lose it too, I don't think I'll last long."

"Kade..."

"I feel like shit today, so," he finished his coffee and stood up. "I'll be in my room."

He didn't feel like seeing anyone today and, for some reason, his hand was craving a brush and paint. "Ah, fuck." It seemed like old habits die hard.

But his mood worsened even more when he picked up his phone to read Xanthie's latest message.

Xanthie: Just arrived with Fey. See you.

He rubbed his face in frustration before he pulled himself together. It had been a year since he last saw Fey. He always felt uncomfortable interacting with her. Maybe it's because of jealousy, but the most prominent feeling was suffocation.

Every time he saw Fey, he felt mentally and emotionally suffocated. And when he saw her standing beside Xanthie, the spot he craved the most but couldn't have, the suffocation would become so extreme that it would turn him numb... until there was no emotion left to feel.

Only then could he face Xanthie and Fey together with his sharpest weapon and thickest shield—his smile.

"So tiresome." He muttered under his breath before dropping his body onto the bed. He had a feeling that he would be more exhausted upon meeting Xanthie and Fey. He couldn't really openly avoid them.

I have to act. Play the role I chose for myself so I can stay beside Xanthie. Just like before. Act normally. Act like how a best friend would. That's my role. Don't deviate from my role and stay headstrong.

Yes. He could do it. After this, the only time he would see those two together again was at their wedding.

And after that, he would not see them again.

Kade breathed out and closed his eyes. He just wanted to clear his mind. He didn't realize he had fallen asleep until he woke up from a nightmare.

"Fuck..." he stared at the ceiling. "Just how long am I going to be like this...?"

Wanting to clear his mind, he got up and took a quick shower. And when he saw the time after stepping out of the shower, he put some sweatpants on and took the medicines from the secret compartment of his luggage before stepping out of his room without a shirt on to get a glass of water.

Droplets of water from his wet hair were cascading down his nape, neck and clavicle, but Kade paid no mind and continued walking toward the kitchen.

However, his feet stopped walking when he neared the living room and saw three people on the sofa. They were all looking at him as if he interrupted a lively conversation.

Kade's eyes casually swept over the three individuals—his mother, Xanthie and Fey—before silently walking toward the kitchen to get his glass of water while trying to control the suffocation that had started to make his head spin.

He did not even ask himself why Xanthie and Fey were in their hotel room. He was sure that Xanthie contacted his mother.

For some reason, Xanthie and his mom were quite close. When he stopped contacting his parents' way back in college, it was Xanthie who kept in contact with his mother, updating her about his well being and stuff.

Suddenly, his mind wandered back to the couple on the long sofa. Xanthie and Fey.

Instantly, he felt suffocated. Medicine. Let's take medicine.

Meanwhile, in the living room, a frown was visible in Xanthie's eyebrows. "Mama Kaye... what happened to Kade?"

Kaye sighed. "He couldn't sleep well these past few days, even with the help of medicine."

Xanthie's frown turned into anxious worry. "Is his insomnia acting up again? Was that why he lost weight? And the dark circles under his eyes..."

Hearing Xanthie's question, Kaye immediately understood that Xanthie knew nothing of Kade's condition. It somehow made her heart ache. "Yeah... his insomnia is getting worse."

Xanthie hurriedly got up and left the living room to follow Kade toward the kitchen. He was ready to scold Kade, to make him confess what was going on with him, but all of that flew away and his mind went blank when he saw Kade holding a knife over his own throat with an empty look on his face.

Kade looked so empty and lifeless, as if nothing interested him anymore.

Then he heard four cold, emotionless words from Kade's mouth that made Xanthie's blood run cold.

"Should I just die?"

CECELIB | C.C.