CHAPTER 6

THE YELLOW LEAVES of the maple tree that Kade could see from his private room's floor-to-ceiling glass window had finally turned red as they slowly fell to the ground. He called it a window, but it actually couldn't be opened for the patient's safety. It's just pure thick glass, and its purpose was to let the patient see the beautiful trees and garden outside bursting with life.

Since he was admitted, he would sit on his bed and watch the maple tree leaves change color day by day. Watching the leaves fall was calming.

"Mr. Black, how are you feeling today?"

Kade's eyes remained on the maple tree as he responded, "I'm okay... I guess."

His doctor continued to ask him a series of questions, and he answered them calmly. But in the eyes of Kade's psychiatrist, Kade was not calm. More... lifeless.

Ever since Kade admitted himself, he didn't act on his suicidal thoughts no matter how bad his panic attacks go. And on the days that he was calm, he would just sit on his bed and watch the maple tree outside.

"How was your sleep last night? Did you dream again?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Did you take the medicine to help you sleep?"

"It didn't work." Kade breathed calmly. "Even after you uped the dosage, it still didn't make me fall asleep."

"We'll try another, stronger, pill for you."

"Hmm."

"Have you been in contact with your family and friends?" the psychiatrist asked. "Their presence might help lighten the heaviness you're feeling. Talk to someone you trust. Slowly open up if you can."

"I don't want to burden anyone."

The psychiatrist took a deep breath. Most of his patients had the same answer. "Mr. Black, you have to talk to someone. You wanted to be discharged in a few weeks' time, but I don't think I can let you go like this. With your condition, being alone is not advisable for you."

"It's okay." Kade's voice was eerily calm—no, it was lifeless. "My mother is picking me up. I'm going to live with her for a while."

"You finally spoke with her?"

Kade didn't  want to, but as he spent his days here in the facility alone, he thought of his mother— (who immediately agreed when he told her he wanted to move in with her for the time being)— and thier conversation when he called her before he admitted himself to the facility. And since he'd be living with his mother until Xanthie's wedding, he decided to be honest with her about his condition.

Come to think of it, I have always been honest with Mom. Even about my sexual preference. And now with my anxiety and depression.

"Yes, I have," he responded as thoughts about his mother crossed his mind. "I told her where I am and why I'm here. Need-to-know basis only, so I would appreciate it if you don't tell her anything more."

To his patient's request, the psychiatrist could only nod. "I understand. I will monitor your condition until your discharge day. Then I will adjust your medication if necessary. And don't forget your therapy session later."

Kade nodded, and the doctor left as Kade continued to watch the maple tree.

Kade honestly didn't want to move. If it was not to his doctor, he did not want to speak. Staying here gradually lessened his attacks, but his mind picked up a habit of shutting down by watching the maple tree leaves fall.

It was like his mind was shutting down to escape from his chaotic and spiraling reality.

From the corner of his eyes, he could see his phone's screen on the bedside table lighting up. It had been in silent mode since he arrived at the facility, but contrary to the "mode" it was set to, his phone had never been idle. Aside from Hale and Andrew's messages checking up on him every day, Xanthie's messages were the reason his phone's screen would light up so often that it had become concerning.

If I didn't know any better, I would think that Mr. Straight likes me that way. But of course, he knew better than to think like that. Xanthie just hated being ignored by his "family member," which was Kade. Family member, my ass. But... it would have been nice if I only thought of Xanthie as such. That way, he wouldn't feel like shit like today.

Taking a deep breath and letting out a deep sigh soon after, he picked up his phone and opened his messaging app.

Eleven unread messages from only one person—Xanthie.

"Seriously..." he muttered under his breath and finally opened Xanthie's messages.

'Have you been sleeping well?'

'How's your insomnia?'

'Have you been eating well?'

'How's your health?'

'Why won't you answer my calls?'

'Fey is inviting you to her birthday. It's okay if you don't come.'

'Are you really soul-searching like Andrew said? I don't believe it. The Kade I know would rather sleep around than search for his soul.'

'At least reply to my messages. I'm worried.'

'Are you really okay?'

'Are you ignoring me?'

'If you don't reply, I'll come find you.'

He let out a loud sigh. So many messages. It was really concerning that Xanthie was acting like this. He didn't know if Xanthie had always been this way, or if it was because this was the first time Kade had ignored him for days. In the past, he would ignore Xanthie's calls, but he would still reply to his messages asking if he was doing well.

Kade sighed again. "I'm not really in the mood to entertain him." Yeah. Let's ignore him.

However, before he could close the message app, the typing indicator bubble popped up, and soon after, a message came in.

'I will really come find you if you don't answer.'

Only a few seconds after he received Xanthie's message, Xanthie video-called him.

"Ah, fuck." He left his bed and went to open the closet in his room. He took a shirt and wore it over the patient's gown he was wearing. Then, after settling himself back on the bed, he finally answered Xanthie's call.

"You look like shit." Those were Xanthie's first words upon seeing Kade on the screen.

Kade showed his usual smile. "Miss me?"

Xanthie scowled, his face darkening. "I'm angry, Kade."

Seeing Xanthie's dark expression, Kade chuckled. "Come on, Xanthie, don't make that face. How many times do I have to tell you that you look handsome rather than menacing when you're angry? Not convincing."

But Xanthie's angry face remained.

Kade chuckled again. There was no sign of depression or anxiety on his handsome face. Even his electric blue eyes were clear. "Come on, Xanthie. I was just busy."

Xanthie's face gradually lost its angry expression. "What have you been up to?"

"Soul-searching."

"Don't bullshit me."

"It's true."

"I don't believe you."

Kade didn't argue and just shrugged.

"So? Where are you?" Xanthie asked after a few seconds. "Why is your background pure white?"

Kade casually answered, "The hotel I'm in is pure white."

"Really?"

Kade could tell that Xanthie didn't believe his bullshit, but he stood his ground. "Yeah. It's a very comfy hotel."

"Oh, yeah?" Xanthie was clearly being sarcastic. "Show me your room and I'll decide if it's comfortable or not."

Kade's answer was immediate but calm. "That's invading my privacy."

"Says the guy who had no trouble invading my privacy by sleeping in the same bed as me."

Kade narrowed his eyes at Xanthie. "It's because of my insomnia!"

Xanthie massaged his temples. "I will have insomnia too if I don't see your comfortable room right now." He put emphasis on the word "comfortable."

Really, this guy! Kade clicked his tongue. "I'm not showing you."

"Should I come find you?"

Kade yawned. "Don't bother. I'm soul-searching, so leave me alone."

"You know, Kade, your lies are not going to fly this time—"

"Excuse me, Mr. Black." It was the nurse's voice accompanied by a knock on the already slightly parted door. "You have a visitor."

Visitor? "Who's that?" Xanthie became even more curious when he saw Kade turn his head to look at something then stiffened, as if he was surprised to see something . . . or someone. "Kade—"

"Don't worry. I'm fine. I'll call you back some other time." He didn't wait for Xanthie's reply. He ended the call and turned off his phone, and then he looked at the person behind the nurse.

It was his mother, who looked young for her age.

"Let her in," he said after a short pause.

His thoughts started to get disarrayed. "Mom... what are you doing here?"

"What else? I'm worried, of course." The doubt might've clearly shown on his face, because his mother, Kaye, gave him a pointed look. "Kade, I'm your mother. Whether you believe it or not, I care for you. I have just not been doing well because of your shitty father."

"Dad already moved out?" He put his phone back on the bedside table.

"Yes. Long before the divorce papers arrived on my doorstep. That cheating scumbag." Kaye sighed heavily and patted Kade's head. "Anyway, I'm not here for that. I'm here to check up on you. Good thing they allow visitors. How are you doing, Kade?"

Kade couldn't think of the words to answer his mother. Part of him didn't want to answer her. It had been so long since he saw his mother; though they talked on the phone from time to time, it was still not enough to be comfortable around her.

Kaye sat on the edge of the hospital bed when Kade did not reply and remained silent.

After a long silence, his mother's gentle voice reached Kade's ears.

"Kade... will you ever forgive Mom for doing this to you?"

Kade's eyes snapped to his mother's slumped back. "What are you..."

"I probably... no, I'm pretty certain I have a hand in your anxiety and depression." Kaye took a deep breath as if to control the emotions stirring inside her chest. "Maybe not everything, but I'm a part of it."

"Mom..."

Kaye faced her son and cupped his face with both her hands. "Talking to your aunt Stella and hearing how proud she was of Keiran and his partner, I realized how bad of a mother I was with you when you came out to me. At that time, I really didn't understand, and I didn't make an effort to. Only now do I realize how difficult it must have been for you back then, seeing your mother looking at you strangely. I'm so sorry, Kade. I'm really sorry."

Kaye let her hands fall to her lap, but her gaze never left Kade's. "I know that I've said some things I can't take back. I also can't turn back time and change my mistakes. But we're going to live in the same house again, and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes. I admit, I still lack understanding about different sexual orientations and your personal preferences. I'm one hundred percent certain that I will make an unconscious mistake while living with you, but still... will you give Mom a chance to make it up to you?"

Kade's wide eyes were filled with disbelief.

Kaye reached out her hand again and flicked her son's forehead. "Why do you look so shocked? Moms can make mistakes too."

Kade pressed his lips together and looked down at his palm. His head was a mess.

"You don't have to give your answer now. You still have time before you get discharged." After saying so much, Kaye took a deep breath and changed the subject. "So, how are you holding up here?"

"I'm fine—" Kade stiffened at his automatic reply before he looked toward the maple tree. "That's a lie. I'm actually not fine."

Kaye smiled at that before she changed her sitting position—from sitting on the edge of the bed to sitting beside her son. "I'm not doing well these days, either. I'm blaming your scumbag father for it." She clicked her tongue. "Say, Kade, after your exhibit, when you have nothing to do, want to help your mom with her small business?"

Kade withdrew his gaze from the maple tree to frown at his mother. "Since when did your cosmetic company become a small business?"

His mother just chuckled and poked his cheek. "It's just so-so."

He looked at his mother flatly. "Your company earns millions, Mom. It's not so-so. And being gay  doesn't mean that I want to play with cosmetics. Not all gay men love cosmetics."

"Just saying..." His mother sulked for a little while before asking a question that made him grimace. "Any boyfriend I should know about?"

"I don't do boyfriends."

"Ah. So, you're still pinning for Xanthie, huh?"

Kade massaged his temples. "Mom, let's not talk about him. Please. And how did you even know that?"

Kaye snorted. "Remember when you were in college and you brought Xanthie home for Thanksgiving? I saw how you looked at him when he's not looking. It's like you wanted to eat him up."

Kade faked a cough. "As you know, he's getting married."

"Yeah. I received the invitation."

Kade looked at the maple tree again and didn't say anything.

Kaye sighed and patted her son's shoulder. "It'll get better."

"What if it doesn't?"

"It will." His mother's voice held an unwavering certainty that oddly calmed him. "Keep on living and believe in it."

Kade became silent again, and his mother did not say anything after that. She just stayed with him, cursing his father from time to time, then she sliced and fed him some apples until the visiting hours were over.

He was actually surprised that she visited him, and even asked if she could make up for her mistakes in the past. That was unexpected. It seemed like his aunt Stella's support toward Keiran's relationship changed his mother's perspective a bit.

However, even after his mother's visit and her change of view, he didn't expect anything from her. Expectations would only lead to bigger disappointments. He thought it was just one of her whims and she'd stop eventually, only to be surprised when his mother visited him again day after day until the day he was discharged.

"According to your psychiatrist, a change of environment could help lighten up your mood, so I bought a cozy house in Quebec City. It'll be a fresh start for both of us," his mother informed him while she was driving him to the hotel where they would be staying until his exhibit.

"How about your place in Vancouver?" That's where he planned to live, but now, it seemed like his mother was dragging him to Quebec City.

Kaye waved her hand in the air. "Don't worry about it."

"Why Quebec City though?"

"It's nice there," Kaye answered with a pleasant smile. "It's close to nature, and there's a maple tree near our new home. You seemed to like the one outside your window, so I made sure that your room is facing it." A small smile was about to appear on Kade's lips because of the small detail his mother took into consideration before buying the house when his mother added, "and it's close to Xanthie."

Kade's expression turned sour hearing Xanthie's name. While staying at the facility, he had often turned off his phone to avoid Xanthie. He only opened it for brief moments to reply to Andrew, Hale, and some of his acquaintances' messages and emails and then would send an "I'm doing okay" message to Xanthie before turning it off again. He was really not in the mood to entertain Mr. Straight Guy.

Kaye didn't see her son's expression because she was driving, but she felt the sudden shift in his mood.

She exhaled. "Running away and hiding is always the easiest option when you're cornered, but it won't really liberate you. It'll trap you into feeling a false sense of security that will only make you suffer more. I'm not telling you to come out to Xanthie or confess. I just want you to face your feelings for him and gradually move forward. Your heart will break for sure, but Mom will be there for you. I might not be able to mend your broken heart, but Mom will stay by your side until you put the pieces of your broken heart back together. Then and only then will you be able to freely liberate and love yourself."

Kade remained silent, but his mother's voice echoed inside his head as he looked outside the car.

Face my feelings, huh?

He closed his eyes then opened them after a few seconds. An empty smile appeared on his lips. What was the point of moving forward when he planned to end everything after Xanthie's wedding?

Rather than facing it, he'd keep it locked and hidden in a place where no one could find it.

This feeling... his unrequited love... he'd rather take it to his grave and bury it with him.

CECELIB | C.C.