In which there are too many tears, too much snot and not enough booze

Erwin felt the mother of all headaches marching right up to him. He was glad he left the last Pirate under Levi's care. He had more important things to do. Those reports don't write themselves.

He opened the door to his secretary's office. The lady still wasn't there. Her father got sick just the other day so Erwin allowed her to stay at home and take care of him. The door to his office was open, though.

With his eyes narrowed, Erwin stepped closer. He knew he locked his door before heading out to Pixis. Now it was open.

And nobody else has a key.

With determination written on his face, Erwin barged right through the door, only to see the startled eyes of the orange-haired Pirate girl. Nami, wasn't it?

"You?"

"OH! I'm so sorry! So Sorry!" she wailed, "I kind of got lost and then I found your maps- and they're pretty accurate- I couldn't help myself but look at them."

Something in Erwin's mind told him to tread carefully, that something was not right, but he quickly found himself distracted by the generous cleavage the woman shoved into his line of vision as she bend over the table to get a better look at the map.

The Commander swallowed hard, trying to focus his attention to what she was pointing at. Is she doing that on purpose? He thought.

"You see? That area over there, it's a mountain range, right? It's close to your second wall, too, so why don't you try building a Hideout there? I'm pretty sure those huge retards are too idiotic to climb into such territory."

That sounded like a good plan, actually. Plus, they might be able to mine some metal from the bedrock, as well.

"Also", the pirate girl continued, "I would love to meet whoever made these maps. They are really good."

Erwin shrugged. "Well, I could contact him and make that happen."

Nami's eyes sparkled. "Oh! That would be grand! Thank you so very much!"

The Commander scratched the back of his head. "Eh... you're welcome?"

"See you around, Erwin-san", the Pirate purred as she headed for the door. The way she said his name made the Commander feel suddenly much too hot.

That was until the click of his door brought his thoughts back to the question he wanted to ask her.

How the actual Hell did she manage to enter his locked office?!

A foreboding feeling made its way into his mind as he stepped towards the still-locked safe mounted into the wall.

It was empty.

And all of a sudden Erwin realized that this Orange-haired witch broke into his office to rob him blind. When he caught her, she acted like the innocence in person.

With a growl, the Commander whipped around and stormed out of his office. With too much force, he ripped open the outer door, turning to a soldier who stood guard outside.

"Where did that orange-haired woman go?"

"Orange-haired woman, Commander?"

"Don't play dumb with me, soldier! She just left my office!"

The man blinked. "There was no woman, Commander."

"What?!" Erwin threw a glance back into the office of his secretary. There was only a small ventilator shaft (too small even for a cat), but no window.

"She must have left through this door!" the blonde man barked.

"But sir! I was here the whole time! Nobody left!"

The Commander froze, staring at his man. "She was there", he finally mumbled.

The soldier put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "There, there Commander. I can only guess that the day was pretty rough when you're seeing orange-haired girls already."

-OoOoO-

"Where are Mikasa and Armin?" Connie asked while taking a break from the training. Jean scoffed. "They're with Eren. Training those Freaky powers of his. Damn, he gets on my nerves."

"Hey, don't be so mean", Sasha threw in, "They tried to have that poor guy executed."

"Tch"

"Hey", somebody else threw in. "Did you hear? They say there was a boat flying over Wall Rose!"

"A boat? Was it thrown by some Titan?"

"No! My buddy in the Garrison says it came in flying!"

"Oi! The Sunny is a ship, not a boat!"

"Okay, where is the differenceeeeeeee-?!"

Everybody on the field turned, staring at the...Half-Machine-Man wearing only swimming trunks and a Hawaii Shirt.

"...Are you a Titan?" Sasha asked carefully.

"Titan?" The man laughed, "No! I'm a Cyborg!"

"Cyborg?"

"Half Man, Half Robot!"

"So you're a..."

"ROBOT! THIS IS SO COOL!"

"..."

"...What is a robot anyways?"

"Well, I am!"

"COOOOOOOOL!"

About every male Scout was watching the Half-Machine Man with sparkling eyes, while every single female just stared at him with indifference.

"Of course I'm cool! I'm Franky and that means I'm SUPERRRRR!" the Cyborg shouted, striking his trademark pose. Males of all ages were hopelessly lost as their minds spiralled out of control. Some even frothed at the mouth, passing out. The female's reaction was a general blank facial expression.

A few moments later Franky lifted his shades, eyeing the scouts in front of him. "I noticed those things earlier", he began, pointing his giant robot fingers at the sheaths the kids wore at their hips, "But what exactly are these?"

"Those are the storage units for our spare blades", Sasha explained to him, since her male team mates were unable to do so. "We use these in combination with our Three-Dimensional Manoeuvre Gear to slay Titans."

"Ah! Those huge retards? May I see?"

The brunette girl shrugged. "Sure" She handed the Cyborg her Gear. Franky turned it over a few times and pulled out a cable.

"Au! I understand. You shoot out these grappling hooks, propel yourselves with the gas and swing around like a mad monkey on a vine. Not bad."

"Uh... that's the gist of it..."

"I gotta Idea!" the large machine man grinned as he pulled out a small screwdriver. When he popped out two smaller hands from his giant mechanical ones, more shouts of "SOO COOOOL" echoed over the field. The Strawhat Pirate simply tinkered for a few moments, then handed the Gears back to Sasha.

"Go on, try it out. I promise it'll be SUPER."

The brunette girl frowned as she placed the Gears back.

"I guess", she began as she aimed the hooks at the trees. "I can take it for a spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-" With a nearly ear-splitting shriek, the huntress vanished in the thick of the foliage.

"Woah!" Connie exclaimed, "That was fast! Dude!"

"Holy Mother of Sina!" Jean gasped, turning to Franky. "What have you done?"

"Just tweaked the propelling device a bit. It isn't inside at the right angle, but now it is."

Wild laughter appeared as Sasha arrived back at the scene. Branches and leaves stuck from her now messy pony tail in all directions, but the girl had a massive grin on her face. "That was the most awesome thing I've done in a while!"

"See?" Franky explained satisfied, "A simple modification and bam- your Gears are now much more efficient."

The scouts looked at each other, silently discussing with each other. Until all of them turned back to Franky and handed him their equipments. "Do ours too!"

-OoOoO-

"Weird..."

"What is it, Ymir?"

"Ain't you hearing that, Christa? I think I'm hearing people screaming... No... laughing?"

The small blonde looked into the direction her freckled friend pointed at. "I can't really hear anything", she admitted, "But isn't that the direction of the training grounds?"

"Yeah, and I think I've heard Eren roar some time before", the tall girl shrugged. "Must be my imagination."

"But the guy with the green hair was most likely not your imagination. I've seen him too"

"Yeah. Looked like he was lost. Poor dude."

Christa smiled a bit at her friend's obvious I-don't-care-shit-about-that-guy-expression when a twig snapped right behind her. With a shriek, she dove right behind the taller girl. At the same time, somebody else screamed. The sound of feet on foliage-covered ground made it obvious that the other also scrambled to hide somewhere. It all happened within a few moments, so Ymir was left standing like an idiot with Christa hiding behind her. That is until she realized where the other guy was.

It was... some sort of small animal wearing a set of pants and a sleeveless shirt. It stood, cowering at the foot of a large tree, staring at the two girls with huge watery eyes.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...You do know I can still see you, right? You're hiding the wrong way", the freckled girl pointed out, referring to the creature's way of ineffectively hiding only half its face behind the plant. The little animal flinched before adjusting its body accordingly to vanish almost completely.

"See? That's better", the freckled girl explained. She paused for a moment until she finally realized that she was talking to some sort of weird living plush doll.

While Ymir stood there, blinking in confusion and ignoring Christa's whispered 'It's cute, but what is it?' the creature stared back, recognition evident in its large eyes.

And suddenly, it charged. With a speed far faster than either of the girls expected, it launched its small body over the distance of several yards, wrapping its hoofed hands and feet around Ymir's head, thus clinging tightly to her. Taken aback, the freckled girl stumbled backwards, trying to catch her balance. However, Christa was still behind her so instead of remaining upright, Ymir tripped over her small friend and fell with the grace of a sack of potatoes to the floor, hitting her butt hard on the muddy ground.

Altering between groaning in pain and swearing worse than a seaman, Ymir tried to tug the creature off her face. Christa, after overcoming her shocked stupor, immediately went to her feet and tried assisting the taller girl. However, even with the combined strength of both, it was nearly impossible to loosen the furry animal's hold on her head.

Maybe it was the sheer amount of tears and snot running from its face that made it hard to hold on, because ever since it jumped, the creature was crying its eyes out. Christa stopped her efforts when she heard between sobs and bawling a distinct "Aceeeeeeeeee!"

"Ace?" Christa blinked "Who's Ace?"

"Aceeee!" The little animal bawled again, "I've heard you've died! I was so sad for Luffy, because I knew he loved you!" *sob* "And I was also sad because I've met you in Alabasta and you were such a cool guy!" *sob* *sniff* "I'm so happy you are still alive!"

"I'm not Ace, you stupid beaver!" Ymir shouted, despite having her mouth full of fur, "Let me go! I'm Ymir!"

In an instant, all tears and snot had stopped and the little guy blinked in surprise. "Huh? You're not Ace?"

"No!" the taller girl roared, doubling her efforts to rip the creature off her face. Christa helped her again by wrapping her arms around the animal's midriff and gently pulling it off. This time, it let go without any problems. While Ymir was still spitting curses and hairballs, the small blonde took a few steps away, looking down at the creature.

"Who- or what- are you?"

The animal blinked before twisting to look up at the girl. "I'm Chopper", he answered, "And I'm a reindeer."

"Deer?" the short girl blinked, "But deer don't look..."

"Whatever", Ymir grunted as she glared daggers at the small guy, "What was that just now?"

"I'm sorry", Chopper admitted as he hung his head. "I just mistook you for somebody I knew."

"Pfeh!" The tall freckled girl snorted and got up. "I'm gonna grab a bite to eat. Your stupid fur made my throat itch."

"Ah, don't mind her", Christa giggled slightly as she went after her friend while patting the reindeer's hat. "She just can't deal with people. How about we go eating too and you tell me everything about this Ace person?"

"Sounds good!" Chopper cheered, "What's your name anyways?"

"Oh, I'm Christa Lenz. It's nice to meet you."

-OoOoO-

Sanji was stalking down a street, wondering where he should go. A foul odour, a stench like he only smelled when Luffy was in his kitchen, eventually showed him the way. His destination was a large, one-story building. The sign 'Mess Hall' hung over the door and Sanji actually discovered himself playing with the thought of simply continuing the way and ignoring whoever was inside there, preparing toxic waste. But then his pride as a cook welled up inside him and he firmly marched inside. He quickly walked past the dozen or so tables until he reached the door to the kitchen. After steeling his nerves of what was to come, he kicked down the obstacle, marching right in.

The cook jumped back in shock as a lean young blonde man broke down his door and stomped towards him. He eyed the big pot, nose scrunched together in disgust.

"That is food you're serving your soldiers?" he growled.

A critic. Wonderful. The cook snorted and stemmed his hands into his hips, glaring at the intruder. "Listen here, young man! I have cooked these people's meals ever since before you have been born! Don't tell me how to make my job!"

"You're doing a horrid job, then", Sanji snapped back, "Why aren't you cooking something other than this sewer waste?"

"Because this is what is fast and easy to make with all this food rationing going on!"

The Pirate Cook snorted. "Then let me show you how to make a real meal despite the rationing." He looked into the large pot. "And I'm going to begin making something edible out of this stuff here."

-oOo-

Reiner and Bertolt were the first ones to arrive at the Mess Hall. While the blonde plopped down into his designated seat, the tall one stopped and looked back at the entrance. "Annie's not here yet"

"Oh man. That Mosshead Guy must have gotten her lost", Reiner mumbled. "Ah, don't worry Bertl. That little lady knows how to get that guy to move."

"If you say so"

The next ones to arrive were Ymir and Christa. The freckled girl was wearing a heavy scowl while the smaller girl carried a sort of plush doll with her. The doll was happily chatting away, so it was actually alive?

Okay... Weird.

Before they could ask, the door was thrown open once more and the large group of Commander Hanji filtered inside, still singing something that sounded like a seaman's chanty. An impossible tall, impossibly alive skeleton followed after them, playing a violin and laughing merrily. As soon it noticed Christa, it bowed down to her, asking her for her panties. This earned it a hard punch to the skull, curtsey of Ymir. (And no. Ymir did totally not scream like a deranged pig. That was a skeleton. Nobody screams just because there's a pervy skeleton. At least that's what she kept saying after that day.)

An angry shouting was the next, so now finally their lost friend returned. Annie was still perched on top of the Swordsman's shoulders, pulling and tearing at his hair to make him move into the correct direction.

The swordsman himself kept shouting back, so neither noticed the door frame coming closer until the unfortunate girl found her face colliding with the wood. The impact was strong enough to send her tumbling down. After a shocked moment later, she continued swearing, worse this time while clutching her bleeding nose. Thankfully, Christa's small plush doll ran over to her, checking and vetting her face.

After that, Bertolt and Reiner inched away from their now really angry short friend.

Luckily, the arrival of the scouts-in-training kind of pulled her attention away from any possible maiming of her friends. Every single of the kids looked worse than the one before. Leaves, twigs and small animals stuck to their bodies in such a way Captain Levi would surely suffer a mental breakdown. However, they were laughing happily, chatting amongst each other and with a tall Robot Man.

Captain Levi and Dot Pixis arrived next, followed by a dark-haired and an orange-haired woman. At the state of the scouts, Levi merely raised an eyebrow, but forced himself to stay calm. Even despite the spider's web sticking in Sasha's Ponytail.

Erwin arrived next, glaring darkly at the orange-haired woman who simply proceeded with sticking her tongue out at him while sitting down next to the Swordsman. Erwin growled, but said nothing.

Mikasa, Armin and Eren arrived last, accompanied by two dark-haired young men.

The one with the straw hat suddenly fell silent for a moment before his eyes bulged out of their sockets. With a loud "ACCCCEEEEEEE!" he lunged towards Ymir, slamming her into the table next. "ACE! ACE! OH! I THOUGHT YOU DIEEEDDD!" the boy started wailing, tears coming out of his eyes.

"HOW OFTEN DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE, I'M NOT ACE!" Ymir shouted back. The strawhatted boy blinked and stared at the angry freckled girl for a good minute.

Eventually, he let go of her, bowing his head in apology. "I'm so sorry", he sniffed, "But I thought you were my brother." Tears began rolling again as he whimpered a pathetic 'Aceeeeeeee'.

Sobs from his side made him look at Christa, who was now also crying. "I'm sorry", she whined, "I'm sorry for what happened to your brother!" *sob* "Chopper told me what happened, and I wish I could help you"

Luffy looked at her and before anybody realized what happened, the entire room was in tears. Usopp, Chopper, Franky and Brook were crying because their Captain did. Almost all of the scouts were crying because either a) Christa did, or b) everybody else did. Mikasa, who sat between the bawling Eren and Armin, stared wide-eyed at Annie, who was in a similar situation between Reiner and Bertolt. Levi clenched his teeth together, Erwin slammed his head against the table, Nami massaged her forehead in annoyance, Robin chuckled and Zoro slept.

"Oi oi" A voice came from the kitchen, "What is going on here?"

Sanji, the slim Pirate chef stood in the doorway, holding a large pot. "Stop this crying and get ready. Lunch's finished."

A few of the scouts swallowed hard before helping the chef hand out the dishes. As soon everybody had a plate, they dug in.

And suddenly silence settled over the crowd.

Nobody moved.

Nobody said a word.

Until Connie broke the silence. "This food is the best I've ever eaten" He took another bite, swallowing. "It's so good I think I gotta cry!"

And suddenly, the mess hall broke down in tears once more, even while wolfing down the delicious food.

Levi groaned before reaching for Pixis' flask. He took a deep swig, then handed it over to Erwin, who emptied it.

"I guess I'll go and wash the dishes", Humanity's strongest mumbled. "Then I'm going to clean up all those tears and snot."

"And I'll go and try to superglue the Legion's dignity back together", Erwin replied. He watched Hanji bawling out her eyes. "On the other hand... It's way past the stage of Superglue by now. Might I help you with the dishes?"

"Be my guest", Levi grumbled.

As it was discovered later, Mike was actually the smartest of the commanders. After the incident with the singing skeleton, he retired early to his quarters, curled up under his blankets and spent the day sleeping.

Clever Bastard.