i've never really understood why people do this in their miscellaneous books, but now i think i get it.

feel free to skip this chapter; this is me ranting through the anxiety and hopelessness :)

so life is stressful for a lot of students right now because of exams and standardized tests and such. i have one tomorrow but i just can't find it in myself to study. i've been like this all year, really; i have absolute zero motivation to do anything: homework, exercising, socializing, even just getting up in the morning. and i've had depression since around seventh grade but it's just getting worse.

and it's not like i can rant to my friends. my two closest friends have life way harder than i do. the one-year anniversary of one friend's little brother is coming up this week. and my other friend attempted suicide last month and is now diagnosed with ptsd from being raped. and sometimes, i want to talk to them about me but i can't put that on them. because why should i make them worry about me when they have much bigger things to worry about?

in the past hour alone, i've had two different friends (different from the ones above) text me about their problems. and i'm happy help and give them advise, but i'm not sure if they would do the same for me.

and it's fucking exhausting. i'm happy to help my friends but it's always a one-way road and i'm never on the receiving end. i love them but i don't know how much they love me. because my friend tried to kill herself and how is that not my fault? she told me about the rape; i knew about it and i knew she had a crappy home life and i knew she had nightmares every night because of what happened to her and i knew she had depression and i didn't do anything.

i thought she was dead. i was out of town for a field trip and i came back and she was gone. my friend (whose little brother died...you know what let's call her C to make things easier) called me and told me that our friend had gone to the nurse and left school early and that she had taken several very strong painkiller pills. no one had heard from her since.

it was a week before we heard anything. in that week, i walked to her house hoping that i could talk to her or at least her family. i got there and no one was home. i called C to tell her, but i suddenly couldn't talk. i was sobbing into the phone. and she was trying to console me but you could hear the wariness in her voice, how she had bigger things to worry about. and i apologized over and over.

and then our friend who had attempted suicide texted me. a week after it happened. she told me i could go over after school.

i got there and we joked around at first, almost like strangers. then, she asked if i wanted to know what happened. i told her yes, of course i did.

she told me she had tried to kill herself. the nightmares were getting worse and her dad had been yelling at her and she just wanted out. she didn't care about anything at that point. so, before school, she took her father's painkillers and then went to school. she went to the bathroom and passed out on the floor from near-overdose. she told me that was when she knew she didn't want to die.

she went to the nurse and the nurse called her mom and an ambulance. she was sent to a mental hospital and stayed there several days. that was where she was diagnosed with ptsd.

i cried when she told me that and i hugged her like she was the only real thing in the world

how am i supposed to tell her i tried to kill my self while she was in the hallway outside our hotel room one time? how am i supposed to tell her i stood on a balcony in the freezing march wind and clung to the railing, searching for a reason not to jump off, while she and C were eating chinese food in the hotel hallway? how am i supposed to tell her how much it hurt when neither of them came in after me for over half an hour while i stood there in the freezing cold?

i can't. so i don't. so i won't.

i'm just so fucking exhausted. and sometimes, i just want to sleep forever. i don't really want to die; i just want a fucking break from all this. because it feels like my heart is enveloped in an ugly black cloud that's weighed down with the weight of the world. and it feels like i'm holding up everyone else while i'm falling.

and lately, fantasy feels more real than reality. i have maladaptive daydreaming (basically i get really vivid "daydreams" that have the same characters in settings that adapt realistically and it's related to anxiety and depression) and it's gotten worse and darker lately. i watch movies and read books and convince myself that they're the only things that are real and that my own life is just a dream. i throw myself into my daydreams and forget to hang on to reality. and i'm scared i'm going to let go forever.

how do i tell my friends that?

again, i'm sorry for making you read this. if for some reason you're worried, i'm not going to commit suicide. i want to sleep for about five years, but i don't think i want to die.

have a lovely day!!