it wasn't rape.
not actually, not technically.
it wasn't not rape.
i said no.
i didn't want it.
he didn't listen.

what do i do?
my friends say to report him
but he's a friend
my friends say "friends don't do that"
but i've known him for five years
my friends say "that doesn't make it okay"
but he's not a bad person

he didn't touch me too much
i just did what he said
because i said no
and he didn't listen
and no is all i could say
no one told me the line
for what to do when you say no
and he doesn't fucking listen.
WHAT THE FUCK COULD I DO
so i left my body
i disassociated completely
and i did what he wanted
and i told him no no no
and he didn't listen
he didn't care
but he's my friend
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO
WHEN MY FRIEND FORCES ME
WHEN I SAY NO AND HE DOESN'T STOP
WHEN HE TOUCHES ME AND I DIDN'T RESIST
WHEN I WAS BLACKING OUT FROM FEAR
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO

i stay silent.
because it's not rape.
not actually, not technically.
just two minor words: sexual assault.
but that doesn't feel right
because he didn't hurt me,
not physically, not actually,
it just feels like my soul is shattered
and my body isn't mine
and my memories aren't real.
my body is fine;
it's my soul that was assaulted.