MY HIGH SCHOOL
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i'm curious to know what your high schools are like. comment a description in this chapter as i tell you a little about mine. if you would like, you can format your experience in the same way i did mine, and i can add it into this chapter.

here's some background: i live in the suburbs. i'm a sophomore. our bathrooms don't all have stall doors. leaks drip from the ceilings. there are few windows, and we don't see the sun most days. we have country beaus (boys who own trucks, and have 'murica bumper stickers, and are usually racist). we have alcohol. we have juuls and vapes. we have rumors and liars. we have a generation built on cracking foundations.

this is my high school experience so far (i'm a sophomore).

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you walk into the bathroom during lunch. you see a freshman girl piercing her own tongue, using the bathroom mirror as her only guide. you say nothing. you pretend not to see as she struggles with her own reflection, the needle shaking in her trembling hand. you avoid eye contact, and walk away.

your friend sits beside you in class. you pretend not to notice as she checks her phone constantly, her murky eyes darting up to the red-lit numbers glaring down from the clock. you pretend not to see as she slips out of the classroom. you pretend not to see her snapchat story of a group of girls she used to never talk to pass her a juul. you pretend not to notice as she sits back down beside you, thirty minutes later. you make eye contact with the teacher, and exchange a knowing look. you both pretend not to know.

the air is quiet through the hallways for a week. the memory of tears stains your face, and you duck your head so no one can see the redness glaring from your eyes. the boy in your algebra class just killed himself. for a few days, extra counselors wait in the library, their smiles plastered with sincerity. but the next monday, they're gone, as is the sense of mourning. suicide jokes are back from their brief vacation. you pretend to forget about the boy from algebra as you enter that classroom.

your friend's little brother is dead. you attend his funeral, and you can't help but cry at the church filled with students and parents all wearing black. your friend doesn't come to school. it's the first time you've seen her cry, and all you can do is hold her hand and cry beside her. but sometimes, you have to pretend not to see as she wipes at her eyes.

everyday, more and more of your friends start vaping. they disappear from class. they disappear from your life. you watch their snapchat stories, and grimace at the people they surround themselves with. the girl who got your friend drunk last summer, got it on video, and laughed when your friend fell down the stairs, almost breaking her neck. another girl who supplies your friend with a juul and alcohol. you pretend not to notice as your friend distances herself from you.

your first girl crush makes your heart flutter. then, she tells you about the hickey she gave her crush. you nod, and pretend like you want to know. but it kills you. she shows you the hickey on her neck, and she wears it like a trophy. a few weeks later, she's a hurricane personified; she's raging and dangerous as she catches her crush with another girl. you pretend like you're angry, too, but your heart is too full of hope. but you pretend like you're just friends.

music fills your ears. you pretend like you're listening in class, but all motivation has fled from you. you thought it was hard freshman year. but now, your old friends drink and do drugs and vape. you put in your headphones, and pretend like the world doesn't exist.

you snap. you fight with that friend who's been disappearing from class. you ask her why she does this with those people. she looks you in the eyes, and says "i've never vaped or drank in my life". you laugh, but it's cold and humorless. you leave her, and laugh every time she leaves class for extended periods of time. you pretend not to care.

you fight with a girl in your gym class about trump. she defends him, no matter what you say. you ask her if she thinks it's okay to rape and sexually harass woman. she tells you that it's fine that he did that, and you'd be stupid to think otherwise. you pretend like your blood is thundering in your veins. later, she says that slavery was justifiable, and not a bad thing. you pretend like your mouth isn't bursting with words to shout at her.

you and your first girl crush and a friend work on a project. you all work hard, and are proud of what you turn in. but when you get your grades back, you find that your group got a "c" while everyone else in class got an "a". you look around, trying to figure out why. that's when you realize your friend that you worked on the project with is the only african-american in the class. you pretend like that isn't the reason.

you listen to your friend rant about how horrible feminism is. you don't correct her when she spouts false facts. you don't tell her how you believe in equality for all people, no matter gender or race or sexuality. you listen, and pretend to agree. you pretend not to know what could happen if you don't.

you play soccer in gym. you pretend not to listen as a disgusting girl calls another girl a "lesbian" because she didn't score a goal. your stomach writhes as you realize that you'll never come out to these people. you pretend like it isn't because you're afraid.

your friends have become liars. the world around you is a disgusting place, one you hate to be a part of.  you pretend. but you're tired of pretending. and soon, you will snap.

but it's just high school.

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share your own high school experiences in the comments below!