" bad ideas with good intentions "

that's my new life motto. to sum it all up, i got hurt really bad by my two best friends a few weekends ago. i have anxiety and depression and all that jazz, so my mind likes to convince me that they hate me whenever they hang out without me. but that day a few weekends ago was homecoming, and they had told me that they weren't going and then they showed up and it just wasn't a good time (translation: i ended up crying in the corner like a dramatic movie). so then they next day i had texted them and told them like "hey you guys hurt me and this is why" and i thought just acknowledging that i was hurt would be the end.

hahahaha.
no.

one of my friends told me that all i do is blame her for all my problems and that i'm emotionally exhausting to be around and that i need therapy because i'm not stable. she just went on and on for like six texts in a row, blaming me for everything all while telling me that i was blaming them. and then she said "stop blaming me when i've done nothing to hurt you because you blame me for everything that goes wrong and i'm tired of it"

here's the thing about hurt: you don't get to decide if your actions did or didn't hurt someone else. that's just not how it works. if i went and told someone that they were ugly, i could claim that i did nothing wrong because what i said didn't hurt me, but it definitely hurt the other person.

and then she continued to say: "you said you were hurt because of us. do you know how much that hurts?"

this case best illustrates my relationship with these friends: their problems will always be more important than my own. even if i'm trying to address the problem, it'll somehow turn around so that i'm the abuser. it's frustrating, but there's not much that i can do. i've built my world around these two, and worlds aren't very easy to tear down.

and as she was berating me with words, i was apologizing. i was apologizing for telling them that they hurt me.

and then my other friend chimed in by saying "but see if you're not stable enough then you should see a counselor, not take it out on us". remember, this is all because i told them that i was hurt by something they did. me saying that was taking it out on them. you're right, my bad.

and then, to put the cherry on the crap cake, the second friend said "there is a thin line between support and emotional abuse"

that's right. me saying that i was hurt was me being emotionally abusive. because that makes sense. that wasn't me trying to stick up for myself, something i've always had difficulty doing. that wasn't me trying to fix the strain in our friendship. no, that was me being emotionally abusive.

but after all that, i went to school the next day and both of them acting as if they hadn't done a single thing wrong. they never apologized, and they still haven't. and now, i'm back to being friends with them, where they hang out without me and then say i'm just being dumb for feeling hurt.

which is where "bad ideas with good intentions" comes from. i know it's a bad idea to be friends again, but i don't have many other choices. this is just my life, and maybe one day i'll snap. because it shouldn't bother me that i planned elaborate outings and parties for their birthday and they don't even know that mine is in a week. it shouldn't bother me that they don't even know that i write about them. because if it bothers me, then i guess i'm just being emotionally abusive :)