"The dark might be dark,
but at least we don't have to look at
ourselves when we're standing in it."
— Craig D. Lounsbrough

Jungkook POV

If you spend your days hidden from the world and trapped away inside your home, you soon forget what time of day it is and what it's like to wear something other than pajamas.

It was around midnight, maybe later, and I was sitting on the living room floor in nothing but a pair of tight fitted briefs. There was a moment where I considered locking my front door, but the position I had found hours ago was just too comfortable. My ass had fallen asleep a while ago and my eyes burned from reading.

I dropped the book beside me, next to a fallen pile of three others that didn't seem to interest me tonight. They didn't seem to do the job the last two nights either.

Every part of me ached for sleep, all except for my mind. It's been three days since I left my apartment, not bothering to attend my shifts at the studio or hit the gym.

It's been three days since I last saw Taehyung, and only one since he last tried contacting me. My phone was full of missed calls and text messages, some apologies and others requests to meet up and hang out. None of which were replied or even read.

There was a part of me that wanted to call him, to hear his deep voice echoing through my head as it flowed through my phone. But the other part of me burned with anger, the senseless stab of his words as he snapped in anger and embarrassment, not bothering to realize that calling out my problems was too far. But what would he know, he doesn't know anything about my medication, my past.

It's all the same. No one cares to know why.

It wasn't all his fault, I knew that. The urge to speak to him was shackled down by my own embarrassment, the shame I felt for what he called out accidentally. Because even though he didn't know the true strength of his words, I did. And I knew that there would be a time where he'd find out.

Thinking about Taehyung knowing about my past scared me, wondering what he would think kept me up at night and opened the door for all those bad memories to creep back slowly into my already damaged mind. Boney fingers and cold tentacles of the monsters that purged my past and stayed anchored in my head, only drowned out by the little pills in my bag.

But those pills have stayed quietly in my bag, ever since three days ago.

The effect they have on me, although they help with the numbing and suffocating sadness, they impair my mind. I feel controlled and once again at the mercy of something else, except this time inside of toxic monsters, I'm controlled by a product given to psychos.

I wanted to feel in control, I wanted to make better decisions on my own and feel independent again. So I skipped a few doses.

The nightmares didn't help either, they only persuaded me to keep the lid on my prescriptions. Those past memories terrorizing my mind these past few nights have kept me up without rest. And I can't be taking these pills that make me drowsy and put me to sleep?

Jimin would be disappointed. My fingers raked through my hair as I thought of this. Head tilted back against the couch as I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my teeth, wanting nothing to do with a sad Jimin.

But if he just never knows.

If Taehyung never knows.

Maybe things will get better, maybe things will be normal again. Just like back in high school, when I wasn't fighting with myself and instead enjoying my free time hanging with my best friend and screwing around causing trouble. When I wasn't failing college classes, wasn't desperate for the money, wasn't lured in by friends with the sweet promises of money, sex, and drugs. When I wasn't spiraling down into a hole full of darkness.

But in the darkness I could never see myself. That's what drew me in to begin with.

And there Jimin was again. Sneaking his way into my head as I remembered the way he pulled me out of my spiraling despair. That soft smile and sweet words of encouragement all throughout getting the help I needed.

But despite all that. I still considered it.

I knocked the bottle over on the coffee table with my toe, the orange tube rolling over and exposing the harsh black marker scribbled over whoever's name it really belonged to.

The burn in my throat was still present from tossing back a few of those capsules without any water.

There will be no nightmares tonight. You can't have nightmares if you can't fall asleep.

I sighed heavily, feeling the shake of my hands and legs as I forced myself to stand. Maybe I'd waste some time trying to eat something for the first time today. I grabbed the bottle of pills and brought them back to my bathroom first, making sure to hide it with rest of the ones not prescribed to me. The others were untouched. As they would remain.

I only took a few pills recently to help me stay awake until I figure out another way to get rid of these nightmares, then they'll be put away for good and I'll go back on my scheduled medications. It'll be fine.

What wasn't fine was my sudden urge to head his voice. The deep and raspy tone that can send shivers down my spine in seconds with a simple hello. Taehyung's name shone brightly underneath my thumb as I leaned against my kitchen island. The countertop was cold pressed against my bare stomach, but I could barely feel it as my chest drummed with anticipation.

I didn't know what I would say to him. I only knew of my need to hear his voice and only his. The attachment I've grown to this man grew with the days I spent away from him, total isolation with myself exposed that want for the one guy who seemed embarrassed of people thinking he wasn't straight. I must truly hate myself. Following after one guy I probably have no chance with and only adding to the confusing my mind was going through.

Still, my finger hit his name and I waited for him to answer. Not knowing what to expect but certainly not ready to be sent straight to voicemail after a few dials.

My teeth sunk into my bottom lip and I saved myself from being a fool and calling again, tossing my phone into the utensils drawer and leaving the kitchen. Only to busy my hands with a book and dragging my almost bare body to the balcony, exposing too much skin to cold air as I sat and spent the next few hours reading a story and mentally laughing at the stupid main character.

• ♡ •
this was a boring chapter
but I HAD to shine a little light
on kooks slow fall and inner
battle, it's important for
the plot. comment and
let me know if this
SUCKS OR NOT