"Truth never damages a
cause that is just."
— Mahatma Gandhi

Jungkook POV

It made me sick. The feeling on my lips that lingered and the hate entering my mind as I walked through the building to get to the alley. It was still dark out but the sun would be up in a couple hours.

The urge to vomit stayed in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't stop the panic from entering my chest. How could I do that?

Keeping it a secret wasn't an option. I was going to tell Taehyung the first time I get the chance. We've never made anything official between but I still felt so guilty for kissing someone else, for getting myself into this mess. I couldn't stop it, the prick at the back of my eyes and then the tears down my cheeks. They just fell and I let them. The darkness hid it well for me.

I couldn't go home right away. I knew I wouldn't be able to crawl into bed beside him and hold him close without him knowing yet. I had to tell him. And the thought of seeing his face when I did made my heart hurt even more. He'd leave for sure. By now he must be tired of my shit.

To waste time I sat down at the bus stop and waiting for one, tugging on my hoodie and pulling the hoodie over my head. Crying in general was embarrassing, let alone in public. The bus was empty besides for one person is the far back, and now me as I slid into a seat in the middle.

I rested my backpack on my lap and only glanced in for a second, seeing the extra money, and then feeling worse. Not because I stole it, but because I was going to tell Taehyung about that too. No more secrets.

I'm not sure how many stops I stayed on the bus for, but eventually the sky started getting lighter and turning a dull blue. My eyes were heavy with sleep and swollen from crying, so I got off at the next stop and blinked until my vision cleared.

I knew there was a park nearby, so I found a bench and used my backpack as a pillow. Just an hour of sleep was all I needed.

My eyes closed instantly and it felt like seconds later when my alarm went off, "Fucks sake." I mumbled, back popping as I sat up.

The sky was now lighter, the sun peeking over the buildings and streaking across the sky in lights pinks and yellows. On another day I would have taken a picture and sent it to Taehyung, he loves that.

I didn't rehearse what I was going to say to him. Not when I started walking down the sidewalk, and not when my apartment building came into view. I barely thought of anything as I pushed open the doors to the lobby and did my best to stay quiet. People were still sleeping at 6 am.

I knew he would be also, Taehyung never liked to wake up early.

My apartment was quiet and still dark since the curtains were closed. I didn't go into my bedroom because I still think I'd cry if I saw him sleeping there peacefully.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm not.
It was not knowing that was bothering me because I'm always going to think the worst.

I don't know how long I sat there on the couch with my head in my hands. My body aches for sleep but at the rate my mind was going I knew it wouldn't come. It didn't matter how long I sat there, because when I heard the door to my bedroom open chills went down my spine. I couldn't have prepared for that.

"Kook?" his voice was still raspy from sleep. I could picture his face, the swollen eyes barely opened and subtle pout as he spoke. My teeth sunk into my lip until I tasted blood, I quickly used my sleeve to wipe at my eyes before turning around and managing a small smile, "Hey you, did you get enough sleep?"

Taehyung nodded and came walking over, his hair was a mess and his eyes were almost closed. He nodded, "You weren't there."

"I know." I said.

The tired boy walked around the couch and blinked a few times, he looked like he went to speak but stopped as he stared at me, "Have you been crying? What happened?" Taehyungs eyes were no longer closed, but almost wide open as they filled with concern and he was next to me seconds later.

That was all it took, I couldn't hold it in I felt more of them fall, the tears not stopping and I sniffled. Taehyung looked so confused and worried, everything I didn't deserve from him right now. He sat next to me and I tried to ignore his face when I scooted away just a bit. I didn't want to be close to him right now.

"Hey," he whispered, reaching forward to take my hand and softly rub his thumb on the back of it, "What happened?"

I felt bad, he just woke up and it may not have been the best time but I didn't want to wait. He only wants me to be honest with him.

"This is so fucked up." I shook my head and my grip tightened on his hands, as if he'd literally slip away.

What I liked the most was that Taehyung was silent, he didn't pester me or keep asking questions to get me to talk faster. He just sat there and let me hold his hands while I cried quietly and tried to calm down enough to tell him what I wanted to.

"I just want to be honest with you." I said, my nose was stuffed but I felt my breathing slow. I let go of his hand for a moment to wipe at my eyes. The tears slowed for now.

Taehyung nodded and smiled slightly, "I'd appreciate that." he chuckled softly, but I could tell he was unsure.

"I don't know how to start besides saying I fucked up, big time." I nodded at my words and hummed, "And I keep doing dumb shit and I don't know how to stop."

"I can help you, Kook." Taehyung said, "You just have to let me."

I shook my head and let go of his hands letting them fall into his lap. My own hands ran through my hair and I tugged at the roots, "You know I stole right?"

It was all coming out, I could feel it bubbling in my chest begging to be told, all of it. Like monsters begging to be unleashed from their cages where they've been kept too long. These secrets in my head that have been there too long, poisoning my mind.

"I stole prescriptions from people to help myself, how selfish is that?" I laughed lightly. Taehyung stayed quiet.

"They needed it, but I took it."

He leaned back against he couch and a soft sigh left his lips, "Jungkook, that was a long time ago, you can't beat yourself up now. Jimin told me how well you've gotten-"

I cut him off with a scoff, "Well? That's bullshit. Nothing is fixed. Doctors throw medication at you just to shut you up and suppress your problems. That's not fixing it."

"Okay, maybe it's not fixing it, but it's helping you." he tried again. Always trying to do good.

I ignored him, he'd just keep trying to say something nice. I just needed him to listen. "That's not it." I looked over at him, his eyes already watching mine, "I went back to them, the guys that gave me and got me on the drugs. And then I stole from them." I whispered the last part, because I knew what happened after.

Taehyung looked upset now, his eyes closed and he shook his head slightly, "Why would you even think of stealing from drug dealers."

"I needed the money, I missed so many shifts at the studio when I got upset over you and I needed to pay for rent and everything else. It's not easy." I argued back.

"Of course it's not fucking easy Jungkook!" Taehyung rose his voice and stood up from the couch, his hands were in his hair and he looked seriously frustrated, "You're right, that's some dumb shit. Please say you haven't been caught."

I shook my head and suddenly felt small under his gaze. This may be the first time I've seen Taehyung almost angry and it was almost scary, "No, I'm done doing that, I want out." I said. And it was true, I was done.

And so were we, especially when the next words left my mouth, and his face fell, faster than the tears that were falling from my eyes. "I didn't get caught because I kissed him, the guy who was suspicious. We had a thing last year and I convinced him."

Taehyung didn't say anything, he stood there looking at me. And he didn't need to say anything, because everything he could have said was written in his eyes.

• ♡ •
why do i write such depressing
shit when it's 2 am
do i even know what a happy
ending is omg