"One thing you can't hide
is when you're crippled inside."
— John Lennon

Jungkook POV

It wasn't stopping. I knew he was worrying about me and wanting to ask questions, I saw the way Taehyung would open his mouth but give up and talk to Jimin instead. It was the same way on the car ride home, my hands shoved into my hoodie pockets to hide the shaking, Taehyung glancing over his shoulder from the passengers seat like I didn't notice.

Jimin noticed something was up, but he didn't question it. Instead he dropped me off outside my apartment building like usual and smiled sweetly, me mumbling a quiet goodbye to the two boys before grabbing my shopping bag and backpack, dragging myself up to my door.

It was unlocked like usual. I never found a need to lock my doors. If someone really wanted to break in then they're going to do it whether it was locked or not, I just rather not spend money later on a new door.

My stomach grumbled as I kicked the door shut behind me, dropping my two bags on the living room couch before passing the kitchen and going straight to my room. I wasn't in the mood to eat and my body just begged for sleep that I knew wouldn't come.

I wanted to sleep but every time I closed my eyes all I saw was Taehyung's concerned eyes and felt his soft hands covering my cold shaking ones. They haven't stopped since, fingers clutching the bed sheets as I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling my breath quicken as I checked the clock for the hundredth time.

This only ever happened at night. It only happens when I'm left alone with my own toxic thoughts, the darkness creeping around my mind and suffocating everything, leaving me in a mess of shakes and cold sweats. It didn't take long for me to end up in my bathroom, bare feet on the cold tile as I stared at the orange bottles. Ones prescribed and others that weren't, those being the ones that captured my attention at times like this. Labels torn off or written over in black marker, stinking of mistakes and regrets.

I shut the mirror again, only to be met with my reflection and dark circles that sat under my eyes like evil crescents. The dark side of the moon that held a story, a past of bad decisions and a lost boy spiraling down into the darkness of his own mind. It was a road I knew all too well, a road I wasn't about to go down again. But that's easier said then done.

My fingers gripped the edge of the sink, head hanging low and eyes squeezed shut. It would be so easy, they were right there. Just a simple twist and a simple swallow and I could finally feel relaxed once again.

The simple fact that I was considering it made me sick to my stomach. My grip only tightened on the edge of the sink and I'm sure my knuckles resembled the same shade as the white granite. It's been so long and all that progress would have been for nothing.

Just imagine was Jimin would think.

The grip I had on the edge of sink loosened, only for a moment. I pictured my friend if he found out, the disappointment and sadness clear in his eyes despite his smile as he reassured me it would be okay. An entire scenario I can picture because it's all happened once before. But what if he doesn't want to be a part of it this time? What if he gives up on me and I'm left all alone for good? That would be the end.

A vibration broke through the silence of my apartment. The pills forgotten at the moment as I stood there frozen, holding my breath to see if I had imagined the sound.

Then it came again, the distinct sound of my phone vibrating on the wood of my nightstand. There was a dim glow coming from my screen as it lit up a small part of my room.

His name flashed across my screen right beside the green messaging app icon. There were two texts just from Taehyung, and I realized it was well past 2 am.

Taehyung — 2:46 am
hey, are you up?

Taehyung — 2:48 am
give me a call if you're awake.

I didn't know what to do. Maybe I could pretend like I was asleep and text back in the morning. Taehyung is probably tired by now.

But a part of my didn't want to sit alone in my room for the next few hours. My thumb made the decision for me, sliding over my screen and hitting his contact info.

Soon it was ringing and I held my breath waiting for the other boy to answer his phone. But once he did I still held my breath, the sound of his deep raspy voice sending chills down my arms. "Hey."

"Hi." I breathed out quietly.

A sigh left my lips as I mentally smacked myself, hating the way my voice sounded so soft and pathetic, like a fragile child who just woke up from a nightmare.

"Why are you still awake, Kook." Taehyung asked with his deep voice. I could tell he was tired, but he needed me to call him for some reason.

I hummed softly and scooted back on my mattress, back hitting the headboard as I pulled my legs up and tucked my chin between my knees. "I couldn't sleep."

Taehyung chuckled quietly and I found myself enjoying the sound. I closed my eyes and just listened as he spoke. "What's keeping you up?"

"I could ask you the same thing." I said.

"I was thinking about you." he didn't hesitate to answer. His voice was calm and soothing, it almost angered me that I was sitting here all nervous and flustered. The subtle confession sending a wave of heat to my cheeks and an unusual flip of my stomach.

I couldn't seem to find the words to respond, and Taehyung seemed to understand that. "Jungkook," he paused, I heard him sigh like he wasn't sure if he should continue. I mentally told myself I'd answer anyways, already feeling bad that I kept him up, but part of me knew what he was going to ask and it made me feel sick again. "Are you okay? What happened in that fitting room."

I didn't remember gripping the edge of my bed sheet but fingers curled around the edge nervously. The last thing I wanted right now was for Taehyung to get weirded out and not want to talk to me at all. But maybe he wouldn't, he did ask me to call him at 3 am and he was sleepy so maybe his better judgment wasn't that good right now. "Kook?" his voice sounded through the phone again and I broke out of my slight daydream.

"Sorry, uh-" I cleared my throat and took a deep breath, "I'm okay, just sometimes I have this small um.."

"Take your time, we're not in any rush." Taehyung said, the slight reassurance making me feel ten times better and I felt myself calm just a bit. The words came easier and the shakiness left my voice. "It's just small episodes, things freak me out and I just panic. It's nothing bad I just need to take deep breaths and it's totally normal." I talked quicker towards the end and even let out a light laugh, except it sounded more like a cough.

Taehyung laughed quietly also, "I didn't think you were abnormal Jungkook," he said, I almost missed him using that nickname. "So is it like panic and anxiety attacks?" he asked.

I nodded slowly, then realized he couldn't see me, "Yeah."

"And you take medication for it?" he asked.

"Yeah."

Taehyung hummed softly and I leaned my head back against a pillow. "Jimin told me that you're a good dancer." he spoke up.

I opened my eyes again at the way he changed the subject, "He did?" I was mildly surprised, one that Jimin was complimenting me when I wasn't around and second that it was towards Taehyung. "I mean, I guess so."

"You should show me sometime. I'd like to watch, if you're comfortable with that."

There was a smile on my face and I nodded once again, only to be reminded that he can't see me. "Yes, that sounds good. I could even teach you some things."

"So it's a date?" Taehyung said, and I could practically hear the smirk in his voice as I sat up quickly and felt my head spin. Dots danced across my vision and I sputtered like a fool, "W-what?"

He laughed and it echoed through the phone beautifully, a deep and cheerful sound that made me smile despite the nerves flooding my stomach and chest. "Sorry I thought I spoke clear enough." Taehyung said, another laugh following shortly after.

I rolled my eyes but couldn't fight back the dumb grin forcing its way into my face. "Just shut up Tae."

"Nah I'm good right here, talking to you is making my night pretty decent."

So that's what we did. Taehyung stayed up with me on the phone and continued to make flirtatious jokes all the way until 4 am. I laughed more in one night than I have in months and I told a person to shut up more in one call then I ever have in any situation.

He didn't bring up the fitting room or my medication again, probably assuming it was pushing it if he asked too many personal questions days after we met. I don't know why it was so easy to tell him, maybe because he already had an idea or maybe because he seemed to show up right at the perfect time saving me from my own self.

My bathroom door stayed open but I remained on my bed, tucked away in my warm sheets with my phone pressed to my ear and having no interest in the pills lining the bathroom shelf. It was one night that I managed to enjoy myself despite the lack of sleep, falling asleep after saying goodnight to quite a handsome boy with a sense of humor that sent warmth throughout my chest. It was a strange feeling that I knew would bring trouble.

But I guess that's how life works. It trades one issue in for another, and it's up to you to decide which is worse. This boy comes into my life, a perfect distraction from the sadness that lives within, saving me from my own monsters. But in turn I will cling to this newfound source of happiness, and the last thing I want is to purge the happiness from him and only leave the impact of my own sadness behind.

• ♡ •
hopefully that told a bit more
about Jungkook and his lil probs
I'm updating for that one
person reading bless ✌🏼