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WALKING IN THE WIND
xiv. DESTROY WHAT DESTROYS YOU

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  HOPE DIDN'T KNOW MUCH. She'd lived a few different lives over the course of a "few" years, so she wasn't entirely clueless. Odette always said that while she was the educated one, Hope was wiser. But in retrospect, she didn't know much, especially not about the real world.

  It wasn't a terrible thing. In her opinion, intelligence didn't make anyone more or less of a person. For example, she'd met countless highly educated royals in her day, and they were all assholes. Still, sometimes she wished she knew more. Then again, there was a reason why people said too much knowledge was a curse, and she didn't want to be the one to test why this was true.

  Perhaps that was why she was so entranced by Edmund's ability to rely solely on facts and logic. They called him "the Just" for a reason, after all. Paired with his wit, his sharp mind was intimidating. It was ironic, too, because Edmund was just as fascinated by how in-touch Hope was with her feelings. She didn't fear emotions; she embraced them.

  She always thought she could read other peoples' feelings rather well. People were so fascinating to her, no matter who they were. She always felt like she could read Edmund well, even if he constantly surprised her. It was all in the way he moved his mouth and how his eyebrows rested on his face. Even the banter he used with her compared to others made all the difference. He simply wasn't afraid to be himself with her, and that made him easier to read.

  That was how Hope could tell, as the hour drew nearer to the infiltration of the Telmar Castle, that Edmund had become rather tense.

  It was the most bizarre thing. Edmund could walk and talk like he was the most confident bachelor in all the lands, flashing smiles and shaking hands all day long. He could discuss law and battle strategy and train like it was nothing. But in those few moments where he had a minute to himself, those rare times where he was left to his thoughts — that was when Edmund shriveled up and grew tense.

  She hadn't even noticed it at first because of everything that was going on. More than half of the time, she was too overwhelmed with other matters to focus on finer details. But when all was calm and everyone was off on their own, when the spotlight was no longer on him, that was when she noticed it.

  In the eye of the storm, there was Edmund. He was an anxious one, always grinding his teeth and tensing his shoulders. Even in his sleep, he would sweat profusely and whimper all night long. It was a sort of quiet cry, one that could barely be heard over the snores of the dreaming Narnians, but it was there, hiding. Hope tried not to think too much of it the first few times she noticed it because she knew everyone was under a lot of stress. But then she realized this wasn't an occasional occurrence for him. He was always like this.

  Several days had passed since their arrival at Aslan's How, and every day was the same. Edmund paraded around like he was still that glorious king living out his golden years. His siblings were no different. They were all so upbeat that it was scary. It had gotten to the point where Hope wasn't sure if they were genuinely optimistic about their situation or because they didn't have any choice but to pretend they were.

  "No one wants to follow a gloomy king."

  Hope reckoned there was some truth in Peter's words, but at least he, Susan, and Lucy had expressed their worries. Odette had, too, despite not having a proper obligation to Narnia anymore! Hell, even Caspian had shown more concern than Edmund had, and he'd only been leading the Narnians for about a week now! Meanwhile, Edmund tried to pretend he wasn't worried in the slightest.

  Hope kept a close eye on him when she could to see if he'd show any signs of worry, and just as she suspected, when he was alone, anxieties and nightmares distracted him. She tried to pry it out of him a few times, but it was hopeless.

  That was another place where they differed. Hope spent her whole life looking for someone who would listen and understand. Meanwhile, Edmund spent his life pushing people away and pretending he could handle everything on his own. It was a wonder he let her in at all.

  Edmund was tricky like that. He was the cleverest and most intelligent boy she'd ever known, yet somehow, he made an enemy out of his mind. The more time went by, the more he escaped into his dark thoughts. It was painful for her to watch if she was being honest.

  Needless to say, she was concerned.

  Dawn had yet to break when Hope awakened. The time was beyond her knowledge, but she could safely assume based on how the Narnians around her remained fast asleep. Groggily, she turned over to go back to sleep; however, before her eyes fell shut again, she noticed that Edmund was no longer beside her. His spot was empty.

  As she rubbed her eyes, she grew annoyed. She desperately wanted to go back to sleep. With all of the training she'd undergone these past few days, resting and preserving her strength were priorities of hers. But when her mind wandered back to Edmund, sleeping was suddenly at the bottom of her worries. She was wide awake, filled with worry for her... person... boy... guy... whatever.

  Maybe he wanted to be alone, maybe he was fine. Hope didn't care. She just wanted to make sure he knew he didn't have to suffer alone.

  Soundless, Hope tiptoed through the chilly cavern until she was outside. Fresh air and the strong smell of pine greeted her. Trekking up the incline outside of Aslan's How, a dark ocean of emerald flooded her vision. She looked to her left, then her right—Ah, there he was. Sitting in the grass, fiddling with one of his knives, was the Just King.

  Despite the silence of her footsteps, Edmund sensed a presence approaching him. A fire caught his peripheral, startling him until he realized it was only Hope. His surprise didn't vanish though.

  "Lion's Mane, what are you doing up?" Edmund asked. His voice wasn't husky nor tired (to her dismay), causing her to wonder how long he'd been awake. Had he slept at all?

  Hope scoffed as she sat beside him. "I could ask you the same thing. What's wrong?"

  Edmund didn't meet her gaze. "What makes you think something's wrong?"

  Shrugging, she said, "Well, if there's anyone who enjoys sleeping more than the average person, it's you."

  When he heard her yawn, he suggested, "You should go back to sleep. It's late."

  Hope shook her head. "Not tired." She was obviously lying, but she didn't care.

  "Oh?" Edmund retorted. "Then what was that?"

  "It was... a... a trick?" she innocently excused. "I read that when you're near someone and they yawn, it's supposed to make the other person yawn, too."

  "Well, it's not very effective," he teased.

  "I'm being serious," Hope insisted. "I know something's wrong with you."

  "And what makes you think that?" Edmund asked.

  "Well... I-I don't know," she admitted. "No, I mean, I do know, but... it's hard to explain."

  "Use your words, maybe?"

  "Charming."

  "Only for you, dear."

  She rolled her eyes, trying to focus on staying awake. It was honestly quite amusing to him watching her fight the enticing urge to fall asleep on the spot.

  "All of you... seem to put on this act around the Narnians. You and your siblings, I mean," Hope reported. "I don't know how long you've all been doing it because you put on a convincing show. I didn't notice it until I started paying more attention. You all walk and talk like nothing's wrong. Like you're the Kings and Queens of the land! Well, I mean, I guess you are, but... That was a terrible metaphor, geez. My point is that you act like these... happy, carefree people, but when no one's paying attention, you get... tense."

  "I don't—"

  "Don't try to argue with me because I notice it." She yawned again. "Odette does it, Peter does it, Susan does it, even Lucy does it sometimes. But you... You do it all the time, and I notice it. I notice it because it's you. You get all tense, and you look like you're fighting wars in your head when you think no one's paying attention," Hope argued. "You know, it's a terrible habit to have, keeping all this stuff in. It's not going to end well if you keep doing it. You should talk to someone about this stuff every once in a while. Otherwise, it'll build and build and build until you take it out on everyone else. Just look at Odette and me."

  Edmund was silent for a long moment before he sighed. He knew she was right.

  "I never expected things to end up this way. I didn't know we'd ever leave Narnia. It took all of us a long time to... process it. It's difficult pretending you didn't live an entire lifetime, only to go back to being a kid again," he confessed. "I always thought that if we were to come back, things would remain as they once were. Happy, peaceful. I didn't think things would change this much. Was that naïve of me?"

  "I think it makes sense," Hope gently said.

  "Maybe," he replied. "Coming back to find Narnia like this... Coming back to find you and to find out you were closer than I thought this whole time..."

  "It was a series of unfortunate, unforeseeable events," Hope insisted. "No one could've predicted what happened to Narnia or me and Odette. It's not your fault."

  "But it somehow feels like it is," he said. "Every day, I think about my mistakes. First, I betray Narnia and my family for that stupid witch, and then I abandon it completely." He closed his fist around the handle of his knife tightly. "Every time I think I'm moving on from what I've done, something else happens and I'm reminded of why I hated myself all over again. The nightmares always come back, and I'm..." He hesitated. "I'm too weak to push them away."

  So Hope was right. Being back, being near the Stone Table again was screwing with his head. It didn't help that there were new problems they were dealing with that maybe could've been prevented had the Pevensies never left.

  "And then on top of the White Witch and the Telmarines, I think about you," Edmund went on. "I think about the fairies and Odette's parents. I think about everything I put you through because I wanted to be selfish. I keep screwing up all of the good things I have—"

  "You're being too harsh on yourself," Hope interrupted.

  To which Edmund immediately retorted, "Am I?"

  "Yes!" Hope argued. "You didn't know any better when you met the White Witch. You were just a kid who trusted a magical lady who offered you sweets and a space to vent! How could you have known any better? I would've done the same!"

  "You wouldn't have—"

  "I would, Ed. I know what it's like to feel alone, too," Hope disagreed, speaking faster and faster by the second. "I know it's hard, but you can't let her keep haunting you. It's been centuries, and she's still dead. That's because of you, too. If you're going to be stuck on your past, you can't neglect all the good you've done, too. You're the Just! You've been justified! I'm sorry, Ed, but I can't sit here and listen to you tarnish your name. It's not right!"

  Edmund was silent. He looked away from her heated gaze, but he knew she was still staring at him.

  "She's not here anymore. She can't hurt you," Hope said, this time with a softer tone. "Your mistakes don't define you. It's about what you do to make things right. Whatever it takes, you can't let her haunt you anymore. Destroy what destroys you."

  Hope added, "And... you can't blame yourself over what happened with the Telmarines. No one expected them to do all... all that. And you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to me and Odette. Some things happen that are out of our control." She faltered before adding, "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you."

  She wasn't sure if any of her words were getting through to him. Part of her hoped that if she just kept talking, something would make sense.

  But soon, Edmund finally took her hand in his and mumbled, "You're far too kind to me."

  She found herself smiling, even scoffing a bit. After everything she said, that was all he had to say?

  "Well, if you're not going to be kind to yourself, I might as well do it for you," Hope said.

  "I don't know how you still put up with me," he muttered.

  "Are you kidding?" she teased. "It's my favorite pastime."

  Edmund always admired how she could keep up with him. If he wanted to make an untimely joke, she'd fire one back. If he wanted to unload his feelings a minute later, she'd give him the best advice she could think of (which always ended up being exactly what he needed to hear). He never understood how Hope understood people so well.

   "...Thank you, Hope," Edmund finally said. "And I'm sorry."

  Hope sighed. "I know, love," she mumbled. "I forgave you a long time ago. So... no more apologizing, alright?"

  Edmund chuckled. "Alright. If you insist."

  They were quiet for a while, simply appreciating each other's company and the stillness of the sleeping world. Her head rested on his shoulder, his calm breaths nearly lulling her back to sleep.

  "So, are you ready for tonight?" Edmund eventually asked.

  Tonight. The night raid on the Telmar Castle. How had it snuck up on her so quickly?

  Hope groaned. "Do we have to talk about it?"

  "Well, it is tonight," he pointed out. "I can't believe you're still this anxious about it. It's not like you haven't been training."

  "True," Hope confirmed, grimacing. "Training with you and Peter has helped, but it doesn't help that half of the Narnians won't let us spar in peace. Everywhere I go, I feel like they're watching my every move."

  "I'm sure it's not that bad."

  "Easy for you to say. You're used to everyone staring at you," Hope mumbled. "At least everyone loves you and your siblings. Even King David liked you." She rolled her eyes at the thought of him. "I bet you could even get our insufferable neighbor back in England to like you."

  "Speaking of England, you still haven't told me much about your other life," Edmund said.

  "Well, you haven't told me much about life in Narnia after we left either," Hope countered, lifting her head from his shoulder.

  "I asked first."

  "Technically, you didn't ask anything."

  "Je déteste que vous ayez toujours raison," Edmund mocked. She made a face at his use of French, not knowing that all he said was: I hate that you're always right.

  Ever since Edmund realized that Hope truly didn't understand a single word of French, he decided to start speaking it more often just to spite her. Sometimes, it'd be a snippy remark here and there. Other times, he'd compliment her because it was easier flirting with her when she didn't know what he was saying. He thought it was cute how hard she tried to figure out what he was saying. He also thought it was hilarious because she automatically assumed he was insulting her for some reason.

  She shot him a harmless glare, causing Edmund to tease, "Aw, don't look at me like that."

  "This is how I always look at you."

  "You look annoyed."

  "Yeah, exactly."

  Edmund rolled his eyes, draping his arm around her. For the rest of the night, they went back and forth, sharing all kinds of stories from their past lives. They revisited moments they wished they could've experienced together, but alas, this was better than nothing. Their quiet laughter slowly consumed the world as Edmund told her about the wars he led and Hope told him about her and Odette's wild adventures in England.

  It wasn't until then when Hope realized just how much she missed talking to Odette. Days had gone since they even acknowledged each other.

  They chatted until they tired themselves out all over again and all was still again. The two laid in the grass, where they'd just been pointing out the different constellations before falling asleep again. The sky soon shifted between shades of orange, yellow, and pink as they slept side-by-side. Edmund could've stayed like that forever, even if Hope had fallen asleep on his arm that was becoming more and more numb by the second.

  He wouldn't have it any other way.

○ ○ ○

  Hope didn't know how to say this in a more eloquent, queen-like manner, so pardon her for her language, but she was fucking terrified. She couldn't think of any other way to describe the anxiety rushing through her system other than those few words. Tonight, the Narnians would ambush the Telmarines, and Hope was scared shitless.

  Throughout the week, the atmosphere at Aslan's How became progressively more energetic and upbeat. Optimism was no longer a stranger to the Narnians who'd suffered for the past 1,000 years. But despite their hope, worry was creeping upon them. Could they pull this off? Could they overtake the castle? Just like that? Was the leadership of the Pevensies, Odette, and Caspian truly all they'd been missing this whole time?

  Most of the Narnians thought so, especially Peter. Everyone had been training endlessly for the past few days while the Pevensies and Caspian worked out some sort of last-minute plan of attack for their pitiful little army. Chastising and second-guessing the plan was useless at this point. Those who were skeptical didn't have a choice but to hope for the best.

  Hope didn't want to say this aloud, but she thought everyone was blindly putting their faith in Peter and ignoring all signs of concern. Peter was a magnificent king, but he had no idea what they were getting themselves into.

  Caspian, while he wasn't Hope's favorite person, was the only one who'd openly opposed the plan from the very beginning, and with good reason. No one had ever taken that castle, and hardly anyone walked away from it alive. Shouldn't they heed his warnings, considering he was a Telmarine?

  Hope thought so. She just couldn't shake the feeling that they were going into this whole thing too recklessly for comfort. But it wasn't like anyone would listen to her anyway. Like Peter, she was in way over her head.

  She didn't know how the Pevensies managed to maintain their encouraging demeanors. Surely, they were nervous about the ambush, but they seldom showed it. They'd done this a million times back in the day. Meanwhile, the only real war Hope had ever been through was trying to wake up Odette before 8:00 AM every day without dying.

  It was late in the afternoon, and the How was growing more and more chaotic. Anxiety paired with hope was a strange combination, but it was all the Narnians had. These feelings grew stronger as the hour ticked toward the ambush. Narnians were rushing back and forth, trying to prepare themselves for what was to come — whatever that may be.

  Hope was outside near the border of trees, an attempt to be alone. She wanted to gather her thoughts before her worries overpowered her. She wondered what her father's pre-battle ritual was. Did he ever get this nervous? Maybe he got used to it after his first few battles. She didn't know how anyone could get used to all of this.

  She didn't know how long she'd been standing there when Susan called her name.

  "Hope? There you are," Susan greeted. "We've been looking for you. Peter wanted to run through some things with us and Caspian before—" She paused as she walked closer to Hope, who hadn't yet reacted to her presence. "Hope?"

  Hope flinched, turning around with a jolt. "Huh? Oh, Susan, hi. Uh, how long have you been standing there?"

  "I could ask you the same." Susan eyed her, that gravity-wielding stare looking right through her. "You're nervous for tonight?"

  "Isn't everyone?"

  "Sure, but... we have a plan. It's going to work."

  "You all keep saying that," Hope muttered. "I'm beginning to suspect you're all trying to convince yourselves it'll work rather than believing it will."

  "You haven't seen Peter lead a war. He... He'll get us through this," Susan said.

  "You don't sound so convinced yourself," Hope admitted. "I, um, I don't mean any disrespect, but I just feel like we should've considered Caspian's hesitation before deciding this was the only plan that'll work."

  The Gentle Queen did something she never did. She faltered. "It's... certainly been a week full of surprises," slowly replied Susan. "I'm sure tonight won't be any different. I trust Peter."

  "Surprises can be anything. Good or bad," Hope pointed out.

  Susan's voice sounded alongside a heavy sigh. "Oh, believe me, I know."

  All at once, the air between them thinned. It was suffocating, almost. Though neither had mentioned it, Hope knew what Susan was thinking of. The past would forever wedge itself between whatever friendship they might've had.

  "I was furious with you after we realized you and Odette fled Narnia," Susan finally declared. "I'm not one to hold grudges, but I was prepared to loathe you for the next decade. For Edmund, for Narnia, for Wysteria — I was furious on their behalf."

  "I didn't want to leave," Hope meekly said.

  "I know. Odette told me," Susan firmly replied. "But before I learned everything, I hated you. I hated you for getting involved in affairs you had no place in. I hated you, despite how highly everyone spoke of you. They said you were a kind, hardworking handmaid, a girl so loyal to the princess that she could probably fight wars for her if she had to. But I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I thought you were only interested in Edmund for superficial reasons."

  Surprised, Hope slowly turned back to the Gentle Queen, finding her intense gaze again. The radiant southern sun glowed within her, and had there not been a fire within Hope, too, she would've cowered like she did in the past.

  "If I cared about money or status, I wouldn't have hurt my best friend to do it," Hope argued. "I think you judged me too soon."

  "I've known many deceivers in my day, Hope," Susan recalled. "I have known the kind of people who would lie about what you're saying."

  "But I'm not lying—"

  "Let me finish," Susan interrupted, her tone stern. "I hated you for years. I hated you for meddling in a political engagement. I hated you for making Edmund the happiest I'd seen him in years, only to leave. I thought maybe when you left, I prayed he would forget about you. But he didn't. Years passed and he never forgot about you. He was so sure he'd find you and Odette again. I'd never seen him so... so hopeful. None of us have. He was prepared to tear the world apart if it meant being with you. I was sure you'd put some kind of love spell on him."

  Hope raised an eyebrow. "A love spell?"

  Susan waved a hand, almost as if to say it's a long story. "Over time, we all accepted the truth of the past. It was a difficult time, and we all scolded Edmund about it until our throats ached," she informed. "But in the end, we accepted that, despite all odds, you were a Pevensie. A member of our family. Lucy was the first to accept it. Peter followed shortly after."

  "...And you?"

  Susan sighed. "I'm still not happy with how things turned out, but... I've accepted there's nothing I can do about it," she answered. "I always wondered what would happen if we found you and Odette again. I thought about how I'd yell at you until I turned purple. I thought about how the hatred I felt for you would return. But when I saw you two again, all I could think about was how relieved I was knowing you were safe and alive. I was so relieved because I knew Ed would finally be able to rest after looking for you all this time."

  Hope didn't speak, though she did crack a small smile at how much Susan loved her siblings.

  "I knew I didn't hate you anymore when you encouraged Lucy after we called her crazy for thinking she saw Aslan. I knew I didn't hate you anymore when you and Pete had that silly duel, and despite your hesitation, you looked past your worries and decided to join us for the fight. Truly, I never thought you'd do it. I thought you were going to insist on staying back here," Susan revealed. "But you care. You care so much about the people around you."

  Susan continued, "Things don't always go according to plan, and as I've grown older, I've discovered that fate is inevitable. Sometimes, it's even better when surprises happen. But... life is too short, too unpredictable to hate people for things they can't control, especially when those things end up being good in the end. It's like Peter said. You're full of surprises, arguably the best kind."

  Then, Susan surprised Hope with her next action. The Gentle Queen bowed her head and apologized, "I'm sorry, Hope. For not trusting you. For hating you. For judging you too soon. It was unfair of me, especially now that you're my family. I could never forgive myself for shutting out my sister."

  Hope was startled, almost unable to process her words. She didn't know what she was expecting from Susan, but it wasn't an apology.

  "You were only looking out for Edmund," Hope said.

  "Maybe, but that doesn't excuse my actions. You deserve an apology, and I do hope you accept it. Perhaps not today, but someday," Susan insisted.

  Hope was about to dismiss her apology, but then she heard Edmund's voice in the back of her head, "You deserve just as much respect as you give us, you know."

  Then, there was Lucy's, "You should always apologize when you're in the wrong, title or not."

  Keeping this in mind, Hope offered her a smile. "You're forgiven, Susan. It's like you said, we're... we're family now." She never thought she'd be able to say that again without wanting to drown herself in tears. Having a family that didn't include her parents pained her to think about. But this... this felt nice.

  Now that Hope was thinking about it, she hadn't even realized that the Pevensies had accepted her accident a long time ago. Peter and Lucy were always referring to her as their sister, and she never properly processed it until now. Even Edmund was confident he loved her. The time had passed to worry and sulk about a stupid accident. Perhaps it was Hope's turn to move forward, too.

  Susan hummed, glancing back at the How. "I don't know what'll happen tonight, but trust that Peter, Caspian, and I will have your back. And I hope that you'll have ours, too."

  Hope couldn't help but scoff. "Right because I'm the most qualified person between the four of us."

  "You're more capable than you realize," Susan declared. "If you don't think you can depend on your strength, rely on your wits. You're a clever girl, from what I can gather. The Telmarines won't expect much from you because you're a girl, and that'll be their first and last mistake."

  "Thanks, Susan," Hope said with a chuckle. "I appreciate it."

  "Well, Odette inspired me to tell you all of this," Susan announced, causing Hope's smile to wilt. "Don't worry. She didn't ask me to speak with you if that's what you're thinking."

  Hope only nodded. "I haven't spoken to her in days. It's odd. I'm used to spending nearly every waking moment with her, but..."

  "It's complicated?" Susan finished. "Yeah, I figured that much." There was an uncomfortable pause. "She cares about you, you know. A lot. You should listen to how she speaks of you. Every word she speaks about you is filled with so much... pride and love. I've had to hold her back from exploding on Narnians who have anything negative to say about you. We've all been defending you, but... Odette is an eclipse. You can't control her once she's set her heart on something." Susan smiled fondly at the thought. "I know things have been tense between you two, and... I can't tell either of you what to do, but you should know that, from an unbiased standpoint, Odette really loves you."

  Hope sighed. "I just don't know how we can move past this. It feels impossible."

  "I once felt the same about you," Susan countered. She hesitated, a troubling thought shadowing her skies. "You should talk to her before we leave. Just... Just in case, you know?"

  Her heart sank into her chest. "You think something will happen tonight?"

  "I don't know. The future isn't as certain as we might think. When it comes to this strange land, I've learned to expect the unexpected. Surprises are around every corner, right?"

  Hope didn't know what to say to that. Speaking to Odette without wanting to scream or cry sounded like a fantasy. But if something were to happen to Hope tonight... If this was her last chance at seeing Odette ever again...

  No. Hope didn't want to think like that. She wouldn't let herself say goodbye. Everything would work out. They were going to win this war.

  And truth be told, the Narnians would triumph in the end, but not tonight.

  No, tonight, the fates had other plans for the Narnians.