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10 | When Fire Burns




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WALKING IN THE WIND
x. WHEN FIRE BURNS

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  NIGHTFALL COULDN'T COME SOONER. After wandering through the skeleton that was Narnia from dawn until dusk, Hope was ready to sleep for a long, long time.

  A fire blazed on as they settled in for the evening. It crackled in their ears, a lullaby for the travelers. The journey of navigating the Black Woods and crossing the gorge was a long one, and they'd used up all of their energy before they knew it. Hope melted into the soft green grass she laid upon, her eyes locked onto the twinkling constellations in the sky. It had been so long since she last saw a sky as clear as Narnia's.

  Though her body was weary, her thoughts ran rampant as she attempted to recall the day's details. The hours blurred together into a tangled mess. It baffled her to think that just this morning, she awakened in London, where her life was meaningless and boring. Part of her wished she still felt that way about her life, but another part of her knew she would always yearn for the realm hidden in her dreams. But then again, were chaos and loss better than a bland, monotonous life? Ignorance might be bliss, but it was also blinding.

  She was restless thinking about Odette. All she could think about was their fights as they navigated the woods all day.

  "Can't you take any accountability for screwing up, too?"

  Odette was right. She was so focused on what Odette had done wrong that she was neglecting the fact that she screwed up, too. None of this would've happened if Hope had just minded her business, did her job, and kept away from Edmund as much as humanly possible. Everyone would be alive, Narnia wouldn't have lost the war, and Wysteria would've been saved.

  Well, in theory, at least.

  But Hope meant it when she said that their current predicament could be seen as a good outcome. She just wasn't sure what the "good" in this narrative was. After all, Wysteria was gone, the Pevensies (aside from Edmund) had barely spoken to her all day, and Narnia apparently despised her. All of the servants she once considered her family were gone, too, and Odette was left an orphan princess without a kingdom to call her own anymore.

  There had to be a positive in this nightmare. There had to be. The world wasn't only filled with darkness. It just wasn't feasible. Darkness cannot exist without light, and light cannot exist without casting shadows. Surely, there was at least one outcome where someone was happy. Was it how the Pevensies' youth was restored? Was it how Hope and Odette got to spend a year together, free of any royal or societal pressure? Maybe it was how every ounce of the truth had spilled, leaving not a single secret to remain. That sounded right to her, but she wasn't sure if those were good things, especially the last one. After all, the truth hurts.

  Hope cringed thinking how much of this was her fault, but it was. She was the catalyst for this nightmare. It was a domino effect, one that started with an innocent crush and ended with the fall of not one but two kingdoms.

  She should've been more cautious. She should've been firmer whenever she didn't want to do something, even if she ended up feeling the happiest she'd ever felt whenever she fell victim to Edmund's schemes. She shouldn't have let herself grow so addicted to that inflated feeling in her chest when she was with him. But she did, and the worst part was that she didn't regret it.

  All of those reckless nights and adventures made her happier than she'd felt in a long time. Her whole life was devoted to Odette, but it wasn't until she met Edmund that she realized she should be living for herself. Her life should be spent doing what made her happy, not Odette or anyone else. Things were never that simple, and they likely never would be, but she couldn't shake the thought once it finally hit her.

  That was until she realized that even Odette wasn't living life for herself.

  How could Hope be so blind? How could she fail to remember that Odette had her fair share of struggles, too? Honestly, Hope could understand why Odette wouldn't want to talk about her dreams. She probably dreamed about a world where everyone expected too much of a girl who only wanted to make other people happy. She gave so much of herself until all that remained was all of the darkness within her — the parts of her she was never allowed to show. Of course, Odette wouldn't want to return to all of this!

  At least Hope could openly express to her friends when she was tired or upset. Odette couldn't even frown without getting scolded! Maybe Odette's life was filled with more privileges and shiny nuances than hers, but Hope would rather be a servant for eternity than have to be someone's princess.

  Nonetheless, Hope never knew that Odette felt alone in her world until now. She never thought it was a possibility, not when she was so busy envying the princess's seemingly easy life. She had everything she could ever want, even if it came with emotionally abusive parents and a kingdom she tore herself apart to rebuild. In reality, her life only seemed easy because Odette made it look that way.

  It broke her heart knowing that her best friend felt so alone. It hurt her, even more, knowing that she was so close to saving Wysteria, only for Hope to screw everything up.

  "You can't walk around pretending none of this is your fault!"

  Hope shot upward, every muscle in her body tense. It really was her fault. Her mistake was the root of their problems. They wouldn't be lying in the middle of the woods where rabid animals could attack at any minute because their home was destroyed. Everything changed the day she first ran into the Just King all those years ago.

  And if Hope wasn't on the verge of ripping her hair out from frustration, she would've laughed at how she was the cause of Narnia's downfall from the very beginning.

  "Hope?"

  She flinched, turning to face Lucy. "Sorry, did you say something?"

  Lucy hugged her knees to her chest, her head tilted. "Are you alright? You've been mumbling to yourself."

  Hope only stared at the Valiant for a moment. Her body was present, but her mind wasn't. "Can't you take any accountability—?"

  "Yeah, I just... I need to... um," Hope stammered. Hurriedly, she rose to her feet. She tried to ignore the princess's echoes in her head, but their ripple was endless. Feeling Odette's curious eyes on her didn't help her case either. She needed to get out of there. "I'm... going to go for a walk."

  Peter was puzzled. "Aren't you tired?"

  "Exhausted," Hope confirmed, maybe a bit more quickly than she would've liked. "I'll be back, don't wait up for me."

  "But don't you think you shouldn't go off on your own—?" Susan started to ask, but Hope didn't bother letting her finish. With the smoke from the firepit, she vanished into the evening.

  Her head pounded, her feet throbbed, the cuts on her face were starting to burn, and still, she couldn't find it in her to try to sleep. Restlessness and exhaustion made a troublesome pair, and tonight, they were Hope's enemy. It was unsafe to wander into the woods, but she had a sword, and she was just irritable enough to hit something if she was provoked. She would be fine.

  As she wandered through the forest, part of her wished she brought a torch with her. It was far too dark to know what was in front of her with absolute certainty. Only the moon's pale light guided her as it slipped between the trees. She made an effort to be cautious of her surroundings after everything that happened today. Between wild animals and cliffs, however, she was most concerned about running into Telmarines.

  Luckily, they'd only run into Telmarines once that day, and they barely got away without being detected. It was briefly after Lucy said she saw Aslan, right when they attempted to cross the gorge by passing through Beruna. They spotted a swarm of Telmarines destroying the forest to build massive catapults, ones that were larger than the catapults they saw at Cair Paravel that morning. It was intimidating how many Telmarine soldiers there were. Every time she thought of them, she thought about what they did: torturing the Narnians, slaughtering innocents. She wondered what would've happened if the Telmarines saw them...

  The forest was serene. She hoped that going for a walk would cool her off (or at least make her tired enough to fall asleep without having to be alone with her thoughts), but so far, it wasn't making any difference.

  Upon spotting a fallen tree, Hope sat down and peered up at the moon. She thought for a moment and wondered if this was the same moon she spent a year sleeping under in London. The only thing that connected her two lives was one great, big sky. A nostalgic smile came to her as she remembered how she held that sentiment whenever she missed her father most.

  "What would you do if you were the cause of two kingdoms falling?" she whispered. She wasn't sure if her father could hear her from Aslan's Country, but it didn't hurt to think otherwise. "I feel childish for feeling as conflicted as I do. About Odette, Wysteria, Narnia... I don't know. I feel partially responsible, and I want to own up to that, but... I don't know what I'm supposed to do to fix all of this."

  Of course, she was met with silence, but the midnight sky's presence alone was comforting to her. The moon was always there when she needed a clear head.

  Normally, she could imagine what her father would say, but it'd been so long since she had done this that her memory was failing her. She had gone so long since she thought about him like this. In London, she had no idea who he was. He was practically no one to her. It made her feel sick.

  A beam of light shot toward her without warning, followed by slow, eerie footsteps. Hope flinched at the sight, squinting with her hand hovering over her sword. She had to shield her eyes with her free hand and allow herself to get used to the light before realizing Edmund had found her.

  "There you are." Edmund turned off his flashlight. "You're a lot further from camp than I thought."

  "Oh, yeah. I guess I am," she slowly said. "Uh, what are you doing out here?"

  "Well, I figured someone should make sure you didn't get mauled by a wolf or something."

  "Are you saying I can't handle a dog with big teeth? Just because I have red hair doesn't make me Little Red Riding Hood."

  Edmund eyed her for a moment, amused but refusing to laugh. "How long have you been waiting to use that one?"

  Hope found herself chuckling as he sat beside her. "Longer than I'd like to admit. Can't sleep?"

  "Yup." He toyed with his silver flashlight. "I can't stop thinking about Aslan. I don't know why, but I don't think Lucy was lying when she said she saw him. She was always certain we'd come back one day, and look where we are now. He always has a plan."

  Hope paused. "Aslan's got a strange sense of humor," she decided. "I can't figure out why he'd want things to end up this way. Seems twisted, doesn't it?"

  His eyes followed the slope of her nose to the curve of her frown. "Are you okay?"

  "I'm getting really tired of everyone asking me that," Hope immediately muttered. She tensed. "Sorry, I... I don't know why I—" She shook her head, refusing to look at the surprise on Edmund's face. "It's been a long day."

  "No kidding," Edmund said. "You should talk about it. It might make you feel better."

  You're one to talk. "I could," she admitted. "But talking about it means confronting everything, and that means all of this is real. And it's really scary."

  "Pretending all of this isn't real doesn't make it any less real."

  "Well, that's the fun part about pretending," Hope replied. "People always say, What's the worst that could happen? But they never have anything to say when the worst-case scenario actually happens. I've always tried to rationalize the actions I take by assuring myself that the world won't end if I do it, and now, two kingdoms have fallen, Telmarines are in Narnia, I'm on the verge of losing my best friend forever, and the entire fairy species hates me."

  Edmund nudged her gently. "If it makes you feel better, I don't think you kissing me was the reason why Telmarines ended up in Narnia."

  "It feels like it," she pouted. "It feels like everything happened because I couldn't follow basic instructions."

  "What instruction manual says not to like people?"

  "I don't know, but there should be one," she mumbled. "It feels like everything happened because of me. At least your kingdom doesn't hate you for making a mistake."

  "You're not a mistake," he corrected. "Besides, they didn't always love me. I screwed up twice in the span of a few years, and both times resulted in a lot of people hating me. But even a traitor may mend. I have known one that did. I'm sure once all of this is over, you can change their minds the same way I did."

  "...Maybe I should've gone for the brother that was single."

  That got Edmund to snort. "Ideally, that would've made more sense."

  Hope sighed, gazing back up at the moon again for a sliver of reassurance. "There's so much that's wrong, I just can't seem to focus on any of the good that's come from this, no matter how much I try. I'm starting to think everything's just going to continue to get worse."

  Edmund wasn't used to her sounding so defeated. It made him feel guilty. He never thought things would end up this way either.

  "I could sort of bear the guilt of screwing up before I found out Wysteria doesn't even exist anymore and it's been a thousand years," Hope continued. "I feel so... selfish for being mad at Odette while we're both grieving, but... I don't know. Why can't I be a little bit selfish? Why do I have to push my feelings away because there are more important things going on?"

  "No one's telling you that you can't be upset with her and be frustrated with what happened," Edmund assured. "There aren't any ultimatums that have to be made here."

  "Really?"

  "Everything happens for a reason. But at least you're not alone, right?"

  She nodded. "Right. You're right. I guess I'm just overwhelmed. It's one thing after another. It's too much. I don't know how long I can keep up before..." She paused, picking at her nail. "Edmund, what's your favorite color?"

  "What?"

  Hope sighed. "Odette got in my head again, and... she said we're letting a boy I barely know get between us. She asked me what your favorite color is, to prove her point, and I didn't know what to say.",

  To his surprise, he laughed. "Darling, do you honestly think knowing what my favorite color is matters in the grand scheme of things?"

  "I don't know!" she cried. "I know about the White Witch and your family and that you're a huge nerd and that you're the best swordsman in the land, but I don't know what your favorite color is or what your favorite book is or-or any of that stuff!"

  "Because those things don't matter as much as the others," he contended. "We have forever to learn about the small things."

  "You're right. I don't know why I'm like this," she admitted. "But... I really have to know. What's your favorite color?"

  Edmund became silent, a cheeky grin overtaking his face. "Guess."

  "Aw, come on," Hope whined. "Really?"

  "Yeah," Edmund smugly said. "Guess."

  Hope turned to properly face him, focusing. She found herself smiling without reason. "Alright, fine. Let me think. You're definitely not an orange or a red type of guy. Those colors are too intense for you. Not yellow either... Could be pink. Maybe pink. It's so random that it'd make sense."

  "Should I take offense to that?"

  Hope just ignored him. "Not purple or blue though. Those are too obvious. I have half the mind to guess it's something stupid like maroon or indigo."

  It was entertaining seeing her so focused. Honestly, Edmund didn't even have a favorite color. He didn't see the point in having one. Lucy always got onto him about it because the rest of their siblings had favorite colors, but that wasn't something he thought about. Of course, Hope didn't know that.

  "Alright, I've got it," she decided. "It's green. Your favorite color's green."

  Edmund didn't have it in him to tell her he didn't have a favorite color. He thought it was endearing how she tried to rationalize her way through each color. Besides, she looked so proud of her answer that he couldn't help but smile and say, "How'd you figure it out?"

  Hope's eyes widened. "I got it? Seriously? Honestly, I was completely bullshitting just now."

  "Of course you did," he teased. "I'm not surprised though. I'd hope the girl I love can figure out that kinda stuff about me."

  Hope froze.

  "What?"

  "What... What did you just say?" she stammered.

  It was then when he realized the words that just left his mouth, and it was painfully obvious. His eyes widened, but he was speechless.

  "Edmund..." Hope turned away from him. "I... No. No, you don't... you don't love me."

  Edmund grew puzzled. "What? Why not?"

  She stared back at him with wide eyes. "Maybe because we've only known each other for a few months?! We're not even... you know, together!"

  "We're not?"

  "Are we?"

  Edmund had fought wars and trained armies, but nothing in his years could've prepared him for this conversation.

  "I-I don't know. I just assumed—"

  "It's just, you never asked—"

  "—since we're married—"

  "Wait, are you technically still engaged to Odette?" Hope interrupted. "Hold on. Back up. How can you love someone you've only known for a couple of months?"

  "I've loved you for 15 years," he corrected simply. "No, 16 years now."

  "It's been 16 years for you!" Hope argued. "I didn't remember you existed until this morning!"

  "Gonna pretend that didn't hurt my feelings—"

  "You know I didn't mean it like that!" She squeezed her eyes shut, rising to her feet. Under her breath, she muttered, "This is exactly what I meant when I said things just keep adding up. One thing after another after another—"

  "I'm sorry!" Edmund said. "I didn't mean it like that!"

  "So you... told me you loved me when you didn't mean it?" she asked.

  "No! No, no, of course not!" Edmund exclaimed, standing up. "I mean, I didn't mean to overwhelm you! I wasn't thinking! Lion's Mane, I didn't think it'd slip out like that!"

  "What is it with you and forgetting to think when you're with me?!" she cried. "Aren't you supposed to be the one that's good at thinking!?"

  "I am! But I can't help it! You make me like this!"

  "Would you stop flirting with me for five minutes!?" Hope exclaimed. "Seriously, Ed, you couldn't have picked a worse time to... to drop something like that! I-I mean, I don't even know what love is! I've never heard my parents say it to each other or even Ode's parents say it! How do you just... know? How can you love someone that managed to make an entire kingdom fall apart?"

  "If I knew you'd criticize me for loving you, I wouldn't have said it!"

  "I'm not criticizing you! I'm just confused! I thought this stuff was supposed to be like the stories, but it clearly isn't!" Hope yelled. "I don't know what I thought we were, but that doesn't change the fact that for me, it feels like it's only been a few months since I first met you. It feels like we were running from fairies yesterday."

  Just when Hope was finally getting to the root of her feelings, something new had to come up. Lion's Mane, her luck really was running short these days. She thought that if everything else was going to shit, at least she had Edmund. She never stopped to think about what he was to her. He was just... He was just Edmund. Nothing more, nothing less. He was everything she needed, everything she wanted. But then he had to go and tell her he loved her and make everything ten times more complicated.

  He was supposed to be everything that made sense to her, and now, she wasn't sure. Had the disconnect been there this whole time? 16 years was a big difference compared to a couple of months, after all.

  Edmund spoke softly, "I don't know what to tell you, dove. Because what I said is true, and I wouldn't say it if it wasn't. I didn't stop thinking about you for over a decade, I didn't stop searching for you for an entire decade, even when I thought you were dead. I'm sorry, I didn't know you'd react like this."

  "No, no, it's not your fault," she exasperatedly replied. She squeezed her eyes shut, brushing her hair out of her face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ed, really. I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just... a lot for one day."

  "Maybe we should head back," he gently suggested. "You should get some rest."

  But she shook her head. "No, I need a minute. I need to be alone."

  "You can't stay out here by yourself. It's not safe."

  "Edmund, I've needed a minute alone for over 1,000 years. If this is my only chance to have one, I'm taking it," Hope argued. "I was fine before you came, I'll be fine after. I'll head back in a bit. I just need to be alone." He didn't move, only staring at her, unsure. "Alright, if you're not leaving, I will."

  Without another word, she turned and walked away, further into the wild forest. She didn't know what made her more anxious: the unknown of the woods or all of the feelings and thoughts attempting to drown her. It was too much. It was all too much. It had been too much since that night fairies tried to kill them. Everything was too much for the girl who never asked for any of this.

  A fire was burning within Hope, and she didn't like how it made her feel one bit.

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