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WALKING IN THE WIND
iv. THE PRINCESS AND HER LADY

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  IN A WORLD WHERE we're taught that dreams often don't come true, Hope didn't know what to think when she found herself standing in the very heart of her dreams.

  Narnia.

  They were in Narnia.

  They were standing in Narnia, breathing its air, seeing it all at once, feeling its warmth (among many injuries and a killer headache). It was just like her dreams, only the best part was that she knew she was awake, and all of this was real. No longer did a foggy haze exist over the world. Everything was so clear. This was everything she'd been dreaming of. This was everything she was longing for. This was everything she'd been missing without really knowing she was missing it.

  "Narnia," she whispered so softly, so quietly that her voice drifted away with the morning breeze.

  Though she was elated, clarity and confusion approached her hand-in-hand. Her sleeping mind had finally awakened with a roar, and now, she knew for certain that her dreams weren't simply just dreams. They were memories — memories of a life she lived only one year ago. Wysteria. Narnia. King David. Queen Lydia. The Pevensies. They were real. All of it was real. Hope felt like she'd finally come up for air after being submerged in water for so long. Clarity was relief.

  But then came confusion. How exactly did she and Odette manage to flee Narnia? All she remembered was climbing into that wardrobe and falling out of another at Madame Minerva's Orphanage. Why did they have to leave Narnia entirely?  Why were their memories of Narnia and Wysteria erased? Why did they end up in the real world? No, that didn't sound right. Narnia was just as real as London was. But that didn't explain why they ended up in London, specifically.

  Everything Hope knew, or rather, everything she thought she knew was one elaborate lie.

  No, that wasn't right either. Because the last year of their lives was real. Hope knew it was real. Madame Minerva's was real, Odette's secretary job at the law firm was real, the children Hope nannied were real, the stray cat that Odette had a love-hate relationship with was real, and their raggedy apartment was real, too.

  But despite Hope knowing this, she couldn't help but ask herself: Why? How? What was real? What wasn't?

  However, these questions could be answered later. For now, Hope merely marveled at the world around them in awe. "Holy shit, we're back."

  "We're back," Odette echoed. She was breathless (for obvious reasons, but also because she couldn't believe it either). "It's just like my dreams."

  Hope peered back at her with a delirious grin. "Your dreams? I'm sorry, I think you mean my dreams," she mused. Odette only stared at her, unamused. "What?"

  Underneath the grime and bloody cuts on Odette's face resided guilt and anxiety. "I... have a confession to make."

  Surprisingly, Hope was calm. "Don't tell me you were the one that convinced the driver to kidnap us," she joked grimly. She glanced over the cliff's edge again in search of the missing taxi. "I wonder what happened to him—"

  "I had dreams, too," Odette suddenly interrupted. "I, um, I had dreams about Narnia, too."

  If Hope had just come up for air after drowning all year long, then another wave swallowed her whole at that instant.

  "What?"

  "Don't make me say it again," Odette weakly pleaded, cringing. "Er, I had... I have dreams about Narnia, too."

  Shaking her head, Hope denied, "No. No, you're lying. You're just saying that because... because you know Narnia's real now. Wait, are you... being serious?" There was a beat of silence. Odette didn't dare utter a word. "How long?"

  Odette couldn't bring herself to look away from the girl whose cheeks burned red with fury, no matter how hard she tried to. Her gaze was stuck on the forest in Hope's eyes. Winter stripped the trees of life in her green eyes. Never had they looked so cold.

  "How long?" Hope demanded again, this time more firmly.

  Odette clasped her hands together once she felt them begin to tremble. "A-A year."

  "A YEAR?" Hope repeated, wide-eyed. "A year?! You mean, you've been having these dreams just as long as I have?"

  "Yes, but—!"

  "Odette, what the fuck? This whole time... This whole time, you've had the dreams, too? THIS WHOLE TIME?" Whatever composure Hope had left was long gone. "And you sat there and you listened to me talk about them every day... and you had the AUDACITY to call me CRAZY?"

  Hope took a step back, trying to gather her thoughts and failing. Maybe a year ago, she would've forgiven Odette in a heartbeat. Because that was what she always did. Because that was expected of her. Because she didn't have any other choice, and Odette was her superior. But things were different now, and Hope no longer feared the world's Kings and Queens, especially not Odette. Not anymore.

  "I can explain—"

  "THIS WHOLE TIME, I thought I was losing my mind trying to make sense of it! I let you and-and everyone call me crazy over and over and over again! I let you make me think I was an idiot!" Hope shouted, straining her voice even more. "But you were having the dreams, too!"

  "I believed in the dreams I... you... we were having the whole time. I-I believed in your crazy theories and everything," stammered Odette. "But I saw how obsessed you were, and I didn't want to... to feed into that! It was all you ever talked about! You lived and breathed these dreams! I was worried about you! I-I mean, we had no proof any of it was real!"

  "But we could've talked about it! We could've helped each other out! We could've figured something out!" Hope cried. "But instead, you LIED to me! For a whole year!"

  "W-Well, you think you're so innocent," Odette retorted. She shifted uncomfortably, crossing her arms, "but you've been keeping secrets, too!" When Hope looked puzzled, she asked, "What, did you already forget about our argument in the car? Need I remind you, you said I have a "stick" up my ass!"

  Hope scoffed. "I can't believe you're changing the subject right now."

  "Well, we might as well address it now that everything's coming out!"

  "You developed a God complex for having a big girl job, and I called you out for it! What else do you want me to say?"

  "A God complex? Is that some nonsense you read about in one of your books?" Odette sneered.

  It took everything in Hope to not add that to the list of things she was upset with Odette about. First the superiority complex, then the lying, and now she had something to say about Hope's hobbies?

  "Stop trying to turn this around on me! You made a mistake, you lied, and now you don't want to accept that you're capable of doing anything wrong!" Hope exclaimed. "No, you know what? Fine. FINE! We can talk about it. You taking that promotion at work is one of the worst things that's happened to us!"

  "Oh, so it's a bad thing that I'm helping us pay the bills?!"

  "NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT BUSINESS AND THE ECONOMY AND POLITICS AND MONEY, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I'm talking about our friendship," Hope scolded. "A year ago, the Odette I know wouldn't judge me for the things I'm interested in. She wouldn't have jumped at the opportunity to call me crazy or childish or hurt my feelings! She was fun and creative and valued individuality! But those lawyers you spend all day every day with have brainwashed you! It's like you want them to think highly of you for no reason!"

  "You can't talk to me like that! I'm a PRINCESS! I'm supposed to be a QUEEN!"

  "Not anymore!" Hope fired back. "Now, you're at the bottom with me! Is that why you started acting differently these past few months? Did someone at work get in your head about maturity? Did you dream about who you're supposed to be, who I'm supposed to be, and decide that was enough of a reason to start acting like a completely different person?"

  Odette irritably pinched the bridge of her nose. "Your insecurities are showing, Hope. You sound crazy. And jealous!"

  "Stop calling me crazy! I'm not crazy!" Hope snapped. "But you know what? I am insecure, and I am jealous! You've always had it easy, Ode. I have all kinds of stupid insecurities because I've always been at the bottom! In every world, in every reality, that's all I've ever been! I'd have to be an idiot not to know that! Believe me, your parents remind me of it every time we're in the same room! At least I know who I am! At least I'm not a LIAR!"

  "BUT YOU ARE! You lied about your relationship with my bloody fiancé, you lied about how you felt about me and my job! You lied just as much as me! And then you just dropped all of it on me OUT OF NOWHERE! YOU GAVE ME NO TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT!" Odette roared. "YOU DIDN'T LET ME PROCESS WHAT YOU DID TO WYSTERIA AND NARNIA AND MY FAMILY AND ME! YOU JUST DROPPED IT ON ME WHEN YOU WERE IN TROUBLE AND EXPECTED ME TO HELP YOU!"

  "YES! BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND! BECAUSE I WOULD'VE DONE THE SAME FOR YOU IN A HEARTBEAT!"

  "BECAUSE IT'S YOUR JOB!"

  "WAS. It WAS my job," Hope jeered. "Is that all I am to you? After everything we've been through? Am I just another servant that's only around to make you feel good about yourself?" She scoffed. "Let me spell it out for you since you're still not understanding that how you treat me is wrong and unfair. For years, I've taken care of you, and I've always made sure you're okay, and you continue to abuse that kindness. Maybe I'm just another servant to you, but I thought our friendship was real!"

  Odette's gaze softened for the first time that morning. "It-It is."

  "Is it? Because even though we lived in London for a year, even though our memories were erased, you still treated me like shit. You lied to me, you manipulated me, you called me names," Hope listed. "And every single time, I'm always there for you! Meanwhile, you can't even ask me if I'm okay or how my day was or if I ever need help or anything!"

  "I can't read your mind, Hope!" Odette defended. "You can't expect people to help you when you never want to ask for it!"

  "London should've been different," Hope went on. "It should've been a fresh start where we could be equals. But you can't live in a world where everything isn't about you!"

  "That's not fair!"

  "Isn't it though?" Hope mocked. "The point is, you lie, you take advantage of me, and you abuse my kindness and loyalty. I've been afraid of standing up to you and all of the assholes in power my whole life, and I'm sick of it! How did we manage to live in another world where we were forced to be equals, where we were forced to be at the bottom of the food chain, and you still found a way to try and climb to the top and be someone you're not? Don't you get tired of it?"

  Hope added, "I don't know about you royals, but we servants have always stuck together. We're honest with each other. We don't manipulate each other just because we want to or because we can! We don't treat each other awfully or abuse each other because we're busy trying to be someone we're not! That's the difference between us, Odette. I'm okay with who I am. Sometimes, I'm even proud of it. But you? You spend every waking moment striving to be someone everyone else wants you to be, and you're OBSESSED with it! It's a game for you! Do you even know who you are anymore? You're so obsessed with yourself that you've forgotten what matters! You don't care about the people around you, not even the ones that just want the best for you. You only care about people in power. You don't care about anyone other than yourself!"

  Hope didn't know she was sobbing until she realized how badly the cuts on her cheeks stung from her salty tears. Her chest heaved up and down, like it was overcompensating to carry the heaviness in her heart. The two girls were silent, only staring at each other with so much pain in their gazes that it hurt to blink.

  The truth was out.

  Every little thing that'd upset or annoyed or frustrated Hope throughout the past few years had built up and up and up until finally, everything came crashing down. Everything she'd kept to herself, every time she bit her tongue, every little thought finally came out, and Princess Odette was the victim of Hope's delayed wrath. All of the tension that'd built up over time had finally come out — like Hope had been holding her breath for the last 17 years of her life and finally, she could exhale.

  Things were different now. They'd probably never be the same again. Honestly, things had been different ever since Edmund Pevensie agreed to an arranged marriage with the princess. Perhaps he wasn't the one to blame, but rather, the catalyst.

  Then again, perhaps this dated back to when Hope was selected to become the princess's new lady-in-waiting, or maybe this went back to the day Hope became a handmaid.

  Maybe things were always this way. Maybe Odette had always forced herself to be someone she wasn't. Maybe Hope had always been insecure, jealous, and sensitive. Maybe Odette had always been impressionable, competitive, and stuck-up. Maybe Hope had always been afraid of growing up, whereas Odette couldn't wait to grow up.

  Maybe things were always this way, and neither of them wanted to face it until the truth demanded to be seen.

  Finally, after a long silence, Odette spoke. It was a defeated, pathetic little whisper,

  "I'm sorry."

  Hope stared at her for a long moment. Then, she raised her chin and spat, "You should be."

○ ○ ○

  Revisiting memories you've forgotten about is a lot more painful than it sounds.

  The feelings these memories inflicted in Hope felt twice as strong, twice as real, twice as fresh compared to the first time she experienced them. All of the fear, the anxiety, the worry, the disdain, the frustration, and the sorrow were so much more overwhelming than Hope remembered them being. Hope remembered everything, even things she didn't clearly remember before she had her memories erased. She missed the days where she repressed those memories due to the trauma of it all. Now, they were fresh wounds, and she had to wait for them to heal all over again.

  She remembered discovering her father passing and developing a sudden fear of the ocean. She remembered that painful ache in her chest upon hearing stories about her mother before she died. She remembered the nights spent awake because she couldn't bear the anxiety that ripped her apart. She remembered having nightmares as a kid about the monsters that wore shiny crowns on their heads. She remembered feeling annoyed when the younger servants refused to fall asleep or obey orders. She remembered feeling apprehensive when she met fairies and flew for the first time. She remembered the distress she endured every morning because Odette slept in, especially during the first few months as her lady-in-waiting when she didn't know how to wake her up. She remembered the pain of King David slapping her last year. She remembered every time King David or Queen Lydia made her feel insecure and unworthy for simply being a handmaid.

  But with all of those negative emotions, Hope felt all of the positive ones just as intensely.

  She remembered the hope she felt when she'd hear her friends laugh and chat at mealtime after long days of working. She remembered the clash and clang of sharp swords colliding whenever she had a chance to spar. She remembered reading her favorite books for the first time. She remembered all of the nights she and Odette stayed up to ask each other impossible questions before bedtime. She remembered seeing Narnia for the first time. She remembered running around Cair Paravel with Lucy, scavenging the kitchens with Peter, and chatting about books with Susan. She remembered watching the sunrise in Wysteria every morning, and she remembered how much she loved making tea for her friends.

  Most of all, she remembered Edmund.

  She couldn't believe she managed to forget him. She had forgotten the boy who managed to drag her out of her comfort zone and take her on adventures and listen to all of her tangled thoughts. He was the only boy in history to make her feel like... like that.

  She somehow forgot about all of their adventures and the long nights where she tried to convince herself that he was nothing more than a good friend. She forgot about his stupid smile, wit, and impulsivity. She forgot about how she accidentally bodyslammed him the first time they met. She forgot about how warm his heart was and how he always had a gentle touch hidden underneath the years of ice and trauma. She forgot about how she accidentally married him, too! How in the world could she have forgotten about him?

  If everything she was feeling was twice as strong and twice as fresh as it once was, then words couldn't begin to express the feelings she had for him.

  Unfortunately, she was too busy being angry with Odette to give in to the swarm of butterflies in her stomach that fluttered every time she thought of Edmund (which, by the way, was a constant stream of thoughts).

  "Are you sure this is the way back to Cair Paravel?"

  Hope loudly sighed as she walked several paces ahead of the princess. "Yup."

  Despite their shared fury, Hope and Odette couldn't exactly part ways with each other. The princess wasn't used to being lost in the woods like this. Then again, neither was Hope. She was just lucky she had a few experiences of leaving the castle with Edmund, not to mention, her father devoted part of his life to traveling the world. It was in her blood to half-decent at this stuff.

  Besides, if Hope tried to leave her behind, Odette would've followed her anyway. She knew this because she tried it already.

  Odette muttered something under her breath.

  "What now?" demanded Hope.

  "But how do you know that it's this way?" Odette repeated, this time with a bit of unnecessary attitude.

  Edmund's words rippled in her head as Hope exasperatedly explained, "The sun, moon, and stars all rise in the east and set in the west. That's because the world spins toward the east. Cair Paravel lies in the most eastern point of Narnia. The sun's just finished rising, meaning it's this way." She nodded to the direction they'd been walking in. "Plus, I remember seeing the beach when we were up on that cliff, meaning we're near the Eastern Sea, meaning Cair Paravel might not be too far away."

  It was Odette's idea to return to Cair Paravel, despite there most likely being an order for Hope's head on a silver platter. Odette was "pretty sure" (her words exactly) that since it'd been a year since they left Narnia, maybe everyone would be more willing to listen and understand that what happened was all an accident. Or maybe they could convince everyone that the letter Queen Titania wrote was composed of lies in an attempt to start some sort of war, but that didn't seem too plausible since Hope already confirmed her and Edmund's marriage did, indeed, occur to King David. Odette's third and final hope was that maybe her parents weren't in Narnia anymore since it'd been so long, meaning they'd be the Pevensies' problem.

  At this point, Hope didn't have the energy to pray on hypotheticals. She just wanted to take her punishment and laugh about it with Aslan on the other side.

  Hope was nervous to face Narnia and the Pevensies again, especially Edmund. Now that the truth was out, would they hate her? Would Edmund hate her for leaving? What would they think now that it'd been a year? It wasn't like she had a choice to leave! She climbed into that wardrobe thinking it was an ordinary wardrobe! And how was she supposed to have known that Odette would've fallen in after her?

  "Oh my God!" Odette suddenly shouted. Hope stopped in her tracks, glancing back at the blonde in a panic. "I just realized, I haven't worn a decent corset in over a year! No wonder my life is upside down!"

  Hope rolled her eyes, proceeding to walk again. "Yeah, that's why your life is all screwed up," she bitterly said.

  "Oh, come on, Hope, I said I was sorry!"

  "I don't care!" Hope snapped. "I don't have to forgive you just because you apologized or because it's you. I learned a long time ago that forgiveness has to be earned!"

  "Let me guess," said Odette, "Edmund taught you that."

  Hope flinched. She turned toward the princess again. "You do not get to be mad at me for having feelings for him! It's not like I can control it!"

  "Actually, Hope, I do!" Odette remarked. She was somewhat out of breath, but Hope learned years ago that shortness of breath couldn't stop Odette from talking. "Not only did you fall for the one person that was unavailable, not only did you refuse to talk to your best friend about it until everything went to shit, but you fell for the guy I was supposed to marry!"

  "It's not like it was a real relationship!" Hope defended. "The only thing you two have in common is a knack for politics and daddy issues!"

  And he's the only person that ever told me that I deserve to be treated like an equal.

  "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that," muttered Odette. "Our marriage was an economic proposition! Or it was supposed to be. Wysteria is our home, and you said it yourself, it's dying! All I wanted was to fix and take care of my kingdom! I never cared about whether or not I loved my future husband! I probably would've fallen in love with Edmund after the fact!"

  "Love can't be forced, Odette. Wysteria and all of its people would've been fine, but you'd end up miserable," Hope sharply said. "You wouldn't fall in love with him later. You'd resent him because he'd be Wysteria's King. He'd get all of the praise and credit. Not you."

  "You don't know that."

  "Oh, and you do?" Hope retorted, turning and walking forward down their path. "I can't wait to go home and quit this stupid job and live my life far away from all of this royal bullshit."

  This time, Odette bit her tongue. She didn't show it, but Hope's words cut through her in a way that hurt more than the cuts and bruises already on her body.

  And so, the Princess and her Lady continued their hike in silence.