*Dedicated to Dawn Farrier who listened to me vent even when I didn't have the words or knew what was happening. Thank you very much. I'm so blessed to have met you.*

A week ago
I had a full emotional breakdown
I'm not a crier
But I balled my eyes out
On the first floor bathroom
With my dog licking away my tears

Two days later
I hit the red alert button
On Facebook
Letting my prayer warriors
Know they were needed

Then I set upon trying to figure out
What got me to this place
And what I needed to do
To fix this

As other than my mom
The only person
I would have wanted to vent to
Left me in the dust
Over a month ago

Thankfully my support system
Is vast and I was able to put the
Cluster fuck in my mind
Into coherent sentences
Ready?

This class had me thinking about the dissertation and a hypothetical quantitative methodological study regarding that.
It started off with my not understanding how to even do a quantitative study.
Then I started getting more and more into my dissertation.
Unlike most people who have to start researching for sources and articles, I have had them chucked at me from every direction x 7.
As soon as people in the community found out I was doing my dissertation on the illness it was like read this, watch that, here's this article, that information.
Basically, when it comes to finding 100 sources for this thing, I won't have a problem. Meanwhile, I'm still doing a hypothetical proposal for this class and trying to understand what planet I'm on.
And also talking to our career center lady about my resume and having appointments with her about redoing it and whatnot.
Plus my health setback and the rollercoastering of my depression and anxiety.
So what ended up happening was instead of my brain compartmentalizing what I had to do in order of what was due when like I used to, I didn't realize that due to the illness, I had lost that natural ability and had to relearn, my brain decided to take on all of that simultaneously.
Hence the emotional overload last Friday.
Plus yesterday dealing with my father and I had to hit the facebook red alert button.
Oh and I also decided it was a nifty idea to tackle the idea of overriding the CDC and NIH and going to congress.

All. At. The. Same. Time.

Now regular
Healthy
People would get their eyes crossed
From all that

I was always good
At compartmentalizing
It came to me naturally
But not anymore

This disease stole that from me
I want it back
But I have to relearn it
Like in physical therapy
But for the mind

I have to bring myself from
Overwhelming to manageable
One step at a time
I am stepping back from thinking
About my dissertation

I am stepping back from resume work
At least until I successfully finish this class
I've had to do more rewrites and revisions
On assignments for this class then I have
Since my last MBA year and that
Was group work

This class brought my mind into a tizzy
The professor is good, helpful, understanding
But my own understanding of the material
Has taken a lot of time and effort

No one said a Ph.D. was going to be easy
But no one told me how much simple stuff
I'd have to relearn
Within my own mind
Just to get through each new thing

But I'm still doing it
And though I'm still hoping for an A
If I get a final of A- or B+
That will be alright too

Now it's time to de-stress
Finish this class
And relearn how to
Put life stuff, school stuff, all stuff
Into brain folders

It's time to become
Manageable again
One step at a time