Soundtrack: 'Better' - Ben Platt

{Jon}

On Sunday morning, Jon slept late, with no wake-up call to get ready for church. When he staggered into the kitchen for breakfast, his parents were sitting at the table with their coffees steaming, the newspaper spread between them. He checked the clock on the stove automatically-10:40 a.m. The service had already started, and the White family was not in their pew.

His mother smiled at him. "Good morning, Jon."

"Morning," he said groggily. Pete's smile did nothing to lift the heaviness in his face, and Jon had to look away. He held the fridge open a full minute before deciding he wasn't hungry or ready for an audience.

He scooped his phone off the floor in the hall and took it to his bedroom. One by one, he installed his old social media apps, only to delete his profiles and uninstall them again, like he told Pete he would. There was little there he would miss and a kind of satisfaction in wiping out the past two years to start again.

One post caught his eye before he could thumb the trash symbol: a video with a title all in caps and the name of his father's church in it. Everyone he knew from youth group was listed in the tags. He tapped the play button. The screen was crowded with teens and it took a second to find Todd stalking across the asphalt with a bat raised in his hands. There was an audible thud and a flurry of "holy shit!" around the camera.

Jon's stomach flipped. The camera jiggled to follow the action: Cary was a blur crossing the basketball court, arms wrapped around Todd until he drove him into the side of the car while the crowd noise rose around the person filming. Sick, Jon watched Cary's tiny figure on the screen step away and lift his hands, his button-up shirt untucked and crooked.

"You psycho-what the hell did you do?"

Jon's heart stopped. Whatever Cary said back to Kurt, his hands stayed up, open in the air. Jon flinched for him as Kurt's fists snapped his head to the side and thudded into his body. Cary scrambled back, turning his shoulder and pulling his arms close to protect his head. He disappeared, bodies cramming the phone screen, the camera jostling and shaking.

Jon tapped the screen to stop the playback, chucking the phone aside. His breath was shaking, and when he shut his eyes, he could still see the guys piling into Cary, pulling him down. The audio made him think of the shit he'd heard from Todd and the other guys when they had hurt him-except it was Kurt's voice.

Jon scrunched up his face, his nose and eyes prickling.

The oldest Klassen brother was probably on the church stage right now, bent over his guitar, his hair falling into his eyes while his long fingers drew music out of the strings. And inside Jon's phone were whatever messages he had sent to Jon while he was gone, whatever explanations or apologies he'd had to offer for the last weekend, if any. Maybe there was nothing. Maybe Jon had imagined Kurt gave a shit about their friendship. That was easier to believe than Cary's suggestion that Kurt might have more-than-friend feelings as well.

Easier for Jon to ghost out of his life and start new. Clean, or as close to the appearance of clean as he could manage.

The phone buzzed, startling him.

<Hey its Kadee want to do coffee?>

<Cary gave me this number>

Dizzyingly grateful to have someone acknowledge his existence other than his parents, Jon sat up and texted back: <sure! pls pick me up!>

After a quick shower and change into clothes that actually fit, Jon felt more like himself than he had in days. The day was bright and crisp, and Kadee clambered out of her car to throw her arms around him, squealing like he was better than Christmas.

"Oh my god, you look so good, Jon." Her smile had enough wattage to power the city for days. "Like so good. How are you doing now?"

His cheeks were pink with her attention, and he felt warm right down to the ugly in the middle of him. "Okay," he said softly. "Being away helped. Gave me some perspective."

She gave him a worried, sideways look. "Did you and Cary...mend your friendship?"

He ducked his head, recalling that she had been there for some of his worst moments. "Yeah. I was such an asshole. I'll be saying sorry for weeks."

Her smile unfolded again. "For years, probably. I'm just glad you're back."

In the car on the way to her favourite coffee shop, Kadee was full of stories about Cary and Tru and the farm, and Jon soaked up her positive energy and the knowledge that Cary was going to be okay like they were oxygen. When they had their drinks-a mocha for him and a mocha Frapp for her-and were tucked into a private corner of the bar along the window, Kadee smoothed her violet hair behind her ear and looked sideways at him.

"So tell me about you. What's happening with your family? I'm so sorry about your dad-god. Are you moving away?"

The barrage of questions and statements left him breathless and a little warm. He shoved the sleeves of his hoodie up his arms. "We're moving, yeah, but in the city."

She let out a breath like she'd been holding it. "You're coming back to Eastglen?" Her face was bright with hope.

He shook his head. "King George. It's the closest school to our new house."

Her face fell. "That settles it," she said, flipping her hand and making the gems on her nails flash. "I'm quitting school and challenging the GEDs. You were my last hope of having a social life at Eastglen."

He laughed drily. "As if."

She laughed with him while she sipped from her straw. "I'll be free to come over and tutor you every night. Since I don't even know what they teach at King George. If Cary's living in the sticks, I'll have nothing but free time."

"Are you two going to do long-distance?"

She nodded, her own cheeks a little pink now. "I think I'll drive up there on weekends. He's kind of...shit at talking on phones. But it's not because he's not interested, you know? He just-isn't used to people caring about him. It was so good to be together, in person. And, like...slow down to his speed."

"I'm happy for you both." Jon met her eyes, hoping she believed him. "I'm just glad to have you as a friend."

"I know," Kadee said. Her shoulder nudged his arm, and she crinkled her eyes briefly at him. "It's cool with me--you probably know that."

He choked a little on his drink and pulled away, wiping his mouth quickly. He couldn't look at her for a minute, but he heard her laughing to herself while he cleaned up the spill. Either Cary was slipping at keeping secrets or she was just a hell of a good guesser. He touched his phone lying on the bar between them and took a steadying breath.

"Oh my god," Kadee said, her voice suddenly low and electric. "Speak of the devil."

Startled, Jon turned to follow her look, and his whole body flushed and then froze in a second. Kurtis Klassen was standing at the till, glancing up at the menu boards while his long fingers played a silent melody on the counter. There were two other men with him, older musicians from church.

Jon whipped his head back to the window before any of them could recognize his face. Kadee laid her fingers on the back of his hand, her touch barely anchoring him against the huge wave of emotion threatening to bury him completely. He heard the sound of Kurt's wry laugh behind him--he could have picked it out of a much larger crowd than this one. Hold up, Kurt's voice said, brightening. I need to say hi to a friend.

"He's coming over," Kadee said under her breath.

Jon dug his heels into the floor, anger rising unexpectedly. The bruises on Cary's face--Kurt's fault. His dad getting fired--also arguably Kurt's fault. He might be as attractive as hell, but when the going got tough, Kurt only looked out for one person: himself.

That anger gave Jon the energy to turn his head and watch him approach, watch his smile waver uncertainly. "Hey, White, you're back. When I saw you over here I had to..." He swallowed, his eyes moving between Jon and Kadee. "Say hi, I guess."

"Hi," Jon said flatly, and turned back to his drink.

Kadee smiled brilliantly, swivelling her body toward him and putting her chin in her hand. "Of course you had to. The guys will understand." She touched the collar of his jacket, smoothing it with a careless gesture like she wasn't aware of what she was doing. "We should go for coffee sometime. I feel like there's a lot to talk about, don't you?"

Jon raised his eyebrows, cutting Kurt a sideways look for his response.

Kurt ducked his head, his flush darkening. "Kadee, you know I didn't share that picture of you, right? I let Todd use my phone and-that was obviously a mistake. I shouldn't have..."

Kadee laughed, showing her teeth. "Oh my god, I don't care about that. If I'd been smart, I would have dumped you before I sent it. Saved us both the drama." She sipped her drink, narrowing her eyes at him, like this was just a casual catch up between friends.

Kurt looked sideways at her, silent, his cheeks dusky with shame. He didn't look at Jon at all now, but his fingertips pressed a chord on the bar beside Jon's phone. "You all right now, Jon?" His voice had gone soft. His fingers touched the screen of Jon's phone, nudging it a little toward Jon's frozen chest.

"Yeah, I'm all right." The words were flat, but steady--he was proud of that. "Thanks for asking."

"Maybe I'll be seeing you around."

Jon raised his eyebrows silently at him, crossing his arms in front of his chest. The cuts were unmistakable. Kurt tilted his head, looking for a second like he was going to say something else, but then he just brushed his fingers on the shoulder of Jon's sweater. "Good to see you--both." He couldn't quite meet Kadee's eyes before he left.

Jon turned sharply back to the window, covering his face with his hands, his body shaking with adrenaline release. Through his fingers, he saw the men leaving with their drinks. His eyes hooked onto Kurt's jacket, watching him hunch his shoulders up to his flaming ears, and duck his head as the others joked and laughed. He was angry and sorry at the same time, and the lingering smell of Kurt's cologne made his skin feel too tight for his body.

Wide-eyed, Kadee pushed her hair out of her face. "I am so sorry, Jon. This was our place after service and I should have thought he might still come here." She waved her manicured fingers at her own flushed cheeks. "God. I feel like I've been standing in an electric current between you two--just crispy at the edges, you know?"

So it wasn't just him. Jon gripped his phone in his hand and shut his eyes, feeling how raw that jolt of connection had left him--how close he was to humiliating himself and crying in public. "Can we just go?"

"Of course," Kadee said brightly, scooping up both drinks. "My place is way more comfortable."

As they drove, Jon clasped his phone against his stomach, wrestling with himself.

Kadee gave him a perceptive look. "What's on your phone?"

He cleared his throat. "I don't know. My parents wiped it." He tapped his fingers against the smooth plastic. "I backed it up, but I--haven't looked. I told my dad...I wouldn't be in touch. With the guy who sold me pills."

"Not Kurtis," she said, half a question.

"No." He turned abruptly to her. "Can you find a wifi hotspot? For me to just...check?"

They ended up back in the Starbucks parking lot. Kadee fiddled with a playlist on her phone while Jon hunched in his seat, connecting to the wifi and then downloading and signing in to the last app missing from his old phone. It buzzed continuously with notifications as every message Jon had missed over the past week dropped into his inbox.

"Okay," Jon said nervously.

Kadee passed him his drink. "Sugar up," she said, tapping the side of his drink with her own. The lukewarm milky sweetness of his mocha just made him feel more buzzy and anxious. He opened the app.

There were half a dozen texts from "F"-his dealer-that he didn't care about at all right now. He deleted them without opening the thread.

There were five missed notifications from "g-minor"--the name Kurtis had thumbed into his contacts the first time they'd exchanged numbers. He opened the thread, holding his breath.

On the Friday he'd been in treatment, there was a typical greeting from Kurt. <morning white> with a song of the day and a GIF of the day, signed off with <this has been ur daily dose of kurt> and a string of unrelated emojis like Kurt had just wanted to make him laugh and text back <wtf?>

Jon did laugh, and then put his hand over his eyes.

"You okay?" Kadee asked.

Jon nodded, taking a breath. "Just a--text from Kurt. That he used to send at the start of my day. From Friday."

"He texted you every day?"

"A song he was listening to, and something to make me laugh." His voice wobbled.

"Wow--he was a better boyfriend to you than he was to me," Kadee said.

Jon slouched lower in the seat, scanning the rest of the messages. After the phone call from the treatment house, there was a longer series of texts from Kurt than usual. He wondered bitterly if the texts had come before or after Kurt had thrown him like a bone to distract his raging father.

<u r one of a kind jon>

<talking with u i feel like i'm not the only one who feels like this>

<u're going to get thru I'll be on the other side waiting>

His chest ached as he slid the screen up to the next text, from days later.

<u just hung up on me white>

The broken-heart emoji below this message made Jon catch his breath and knuckle his eyes. "Shit."

The last text in the thread was time-stamped hours later:

<if u ever see this for real i'm sorry u know how trapped i am here i never thot u would get hurt by my shit life i hate who i am except when i'm with u>

He laid the phone on the dash and pushed it toward Kadee. "I think he's drunk-texting in the last one."

She was quiet, reading, and Jon turned his face out the window, wiping his eyes again and again.

"Cary was right," she commented, laying the phone back on the dash. She sighed, tucking her hands under her legs. "Are you going to answer?"

"And say what?" His voice was sharp with broken edges. "What the hell do you think I can say to him?"

Kadee bit her lip, her dark almond eyes on him. "Do you want to try to make something work--and tell your parents when you've figured it out?"

"NO. No." The words scraped thin, and Jon dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. Yes. He swallowed back nausea. "In what kind of world do you think I could make something work with Kurt Klassen?"

She tilted her head. "You don't think--your parents will be okay with you?"

He saw his mother's soft, peaceful face as she said I can handle it. "I don't know. They won't--beat the shit out of me and kick me out. If that's what you're asking."

Her eyes were dark and liquid on his. "That's a pretty low bar, Jon." Her face was suddenly grim as she turned to look at the sagging fence around the Starbucks' dumpster. "You think the Klassens will do that."

He exhaled, closing his eyes against the headache thudding behind them. "Yes." Kurt wore his confidence and easy swagger like armour to cover how carefully he stepped around his father and brother. Anger and despair shook Jon and then dropped him, leaving him empty. He tipped his head against the seat and turned it to her, too exhausted to be anything but the real Jon White.

"Truth, Kadee? I don't want...that. I don't see how a relationship that's so fucking secret can be part of getting my shit together right now. If we could even...be a thing." He tried to clear his aching throat. "I need a counsellor. Not a fucking...boyfriend." The word squeezed tight and disappeared.

Kadee's laugh was dry. "God knows I've made that mistake before." She smoothed her hair back from her face and sighed. "I just want you to know--you're allowed to be happy."

His eyes stung, and he turned his face aside. "I don't think my brain does happy right now." He ducked his head and drew the phone toward himself. His fingers shook, touching the messages from Kurt on the screen for the last time. He selected them all and tapped the trash symbol-and the entire thread vanished. His breath hitched as he deleted the app off his phone completely. No back up.

"Gone." He shoved the phone into the pocket of his hoodie, pressing it against his stomach until his cuts ached. There was a broken heart burning in the back of his eyelids every time he blinked.

*I didn't expect to care about Kurt Klassen. WAKE didn't have space for his story; my song choice for this chapter is a little glimpse into his head space after Jon essentially ghosts him. Objectively, I knew this was the right choice for Jon to make right now, but it broke my heart a little. Within weeks of sending WAKE to my editor, I had scenes drop into my brain about college-aged Jon running into Kurt at a show in a nightclub that demanded to be in the world. FOR US was born, and I've never written a novel so quickly in my life. lol.

What do you think, lovelies? Did Jon make the right call here?*