{Cary}

His room was swept clean, the wall beside his door bare, the mattress stripped and the sheets and blankets he'd used for the last half year in the washing machine downstairs. Pete and Mel hadn't said anything to him yet, but they didn't have to. This was the end of the line. He knew he had to go.

He could hear Kadee in the kitchen, running the water and clattering the dishes. He felt charged and electric, all the hairs on his skin at attention when she was close. He had planned to stay protected and distant; seeing her made it harder to leave.

His bare feet made no sound in the hall, and he stood for a moment in the doorway of the kitchen. Kadee was humming under her breath, swaying her hips as she washed the dishes in the sink. Her crown of braids left the lotus flower on the back of her neck exposed, and Cary swallowed, thinking about running his fingers over that. It wasn't up to him anymore if he stayed distant—he was all mixed up about this girl.

"Hey," he said in a low voice.

Kadee turned and took a breath, her face lit up and open. The thing that she clearly wanted caught in his chest and tugged him forward. His stomach was knotted, feeling how hurt and angry she was going to be just moments from now, and he owed her—something. To make up for that.

He bent his head and she shut her eyes, tipping her face to his. Swallowing down his aching stomach, he touched his lips to hers. He was a little clumsy, and she put her hand against his back, steadying him, snugging her hips against his. The softness of her, the strength of her body arching to meet him, the heat of her desire sparking under his touch, filled his head until there was no room for anything else. Somewhere in the breathless exploration of hands and tongues and lips, he had lifted her onto the narrow ledge of the sink and she was anchored against him with her legs wrapped around his hips, her hand gripping his shoulder tightly to steady herself. He barely felt the pressure of the bruise under her fingers in the midst of the heady rush of pleasure.

One of her hands snaked between their bodies, pulling up first her shirt, then his. The smoothness of her bare stomach against his was so electrifying that he gasped, tipping his head back. She tucked her head under his chin, her own breathing unsteady as she found his button and tugged it open. His body twitched, simultaneously flinching and straining toward her.

"This?" she whispered.

The pain in his stomach was cold and sharp as ice. She drew his hand to cup her stomach, catching her breath as she slid his freezing fingers onto the hot skin under her waistband.

"Cary?" she said, her voice cracking. "What do you want? Before you go."

He drew back and looked at her face. Her lips were trembling and her eyes shone with tears. She turned her chin, but she was too close to hide. A wave of nausea rolled over him, watching her try to hide her crying in his arms.

He pulled away so rapidly she lost her balance and almost fell of the counter ledge. He managed to catch her and set her back on the floor, backing up and turning his shoulder to cover his motion to adjust himself and do up his pants. His hands were shaking with his body. He ran them over his hair, which she had left wildly rumpled, and ducked his head into the shelter of his arms, squeezing the back of his neck tightly.

"Not this. Sorry, Kadee." His voice was dry and tight. He couldn't look at her, wrapping his arms over his body, his skin still shivering from the way her hands had been all over him. He was abruptly remembering other times with girls whose names he'd never known, the grit of dirt in his clothes and the empty feeling of relief after. He'd been barely a person then and had treated their bodies with little more regard than he'd treated his own. That wasn't him—anymore.

"I don't want to be that way with you. To use you for a quick fuck." His voice dropped low. "Or have you use me." He drew his shoulders up to his ears.

"I saw your room." Her words were edged and he risked a sideways look at her. Her eyes were wet, but her chin was up and her face was white with fury. "Were you even going to tell me? Or were you just going to leave?"

He lifted his shoulders, unable to speak.

"Pretty shitty, Cary. Leaving me with all these shitty regrets."

Her words cut him, and his eyes stung thinking that any of the things he had done to make her feel good had left her with regrets. He stood aside, holding his hand to the door. But she had covered her face in her hands, taking slow, shaky breaths.

"God. I'm sorry," she said, soft and muffled. "Please forget everything I just said. You're not the only asshole in this relationship."

His hand dropped back to his side, and he bent his head to try and catch her expression.

She had her face lowered, fingers picking at the braid encircling her head, pulling it apart piece by piece. "Honestly? You're not wrong. I've been feeling like shit since Curtis and everyone dumped me, and...sex with you would have felt so good. To just—forget it and make you forget for a bit."

Chunks of her hair fell in front of her face, hiding it in dark, tangled waves. "I was gonna use you." Her voice sounded breathy with surprise or tears—or both. "I thought we were both going to like it enough that it didn't matter."

She shook the last knot of the braid out with her fingers and fiddled with her handful of pins. "I'm not stupid, Cary. I know it's too soon for you to have a girlfriend." She glanced at him, her skin pale through the gap in her curtain of hair. "I'm fine with that. We could still...if you want. If it would make you feel better. You wouldn't be the first."

He made a raw noise, turning his eyes away from her standing there, small and vulnerable, her hair and her shirt in disarray. He rubbed his hands over his face, his stomach aching. "You're worth more," he said roughly. "You're worth more'n that, Kadee."

He couldn't look at her, remembering Pete and Mel embracing in the entryway—the way they held each other up. He said in a low voice, "You should have someone who's there for you every day, you know? Who cooks you supper and laughs at your jokes and has your back. Not a couple minutes on a shitty bare mattress and then me leaving you." He glanced at her from under his eyebrows, biting the corner of his lip, still swollen and warm from kissing her.

Her sigh shook her body. "If you weren't leaving—would you have tried something with me? More than friends?"

His throat tightened, feeling again what she wanted him to say—what she needed to hear to feel good. He'd spent his whole life bending to make his mother happy, and he could go a long time before the breaks started to show. But maybe Kadee deserved someone who told her the truth. He could at least give her that. "Probably," he said drily. "For a couple weeks. Before I'd ghost. And I don't...Kadee, I don't want that, either."

He swallowed, the unknown of the next couple weeks yawning black and empty. "I like you. In my life. I don't have too many people...right now." His throat was so tight that his voice was fraying apart. Words were so fucking hard. "I wish I was—the right person for you. But I'm not. Or it's not—the right time for me. I can't give you what you want." He ducked his head, his face stinging. It wasn't good enough, and he wouldn't blame her for tearing a strip off of him and walking out.

She let out her breath gustily. "You really don't do bullshit anymore, do you?" There was a pause. "Where are you going?"

It took a moment to collect himself and find some distance. Or act like he'd found it. "Found some family—my mom's sister, I think. A couple hours south."

"For how long?"

His shoulders bowed. "I don't know."

"I'm going to miss you at school. You made me feel super safe at Eastglen."

He looked at her sideways. Her face was a mix of so many things it was hard for him to read. He thought she didn't look angry anymore, exactly. Sad maybe. And fierce.

"You broke Todd's face twice in one month," he said softly. "I don't think you have anything to worry about at school."

The corner of her mouth tucked in, and she tipped her head, putting a hand to rest on her hip. "Maybe I'll just wait for you, Cary Douglas."

He shook his head once. "I don't know where I'm sleeping tonight, or when I'm coming back. It's not fair for you to wait."

"There's phones," she said lightly. "People do this all the time."

"I'm shit at talking at phones."

"I'll do the talking," she said. "What kind of friend would I be if I just made out with you one day and then dropped you?" She had her chin up like she was daring him to contradict her. "Maybe you need someone to be there for you for a change."

He lifted his shoulders and let them drop, breathing out softly. "If you want."

She stepped toward him, and he flinched, involuntarily taking a step back, his body tightening like he needed to defend himself. She lifted her hands, slowing down. "I'm just going to hug you bye, okay?"

He nodded once, and let her put her arms around him. He tried to make his stiff arms hug her back. "You're shaking," she said softly into his shirt.

His voice was dry. "I'm triggered as hell."

She drew back and searched his face, biting her lip, her eyes dark and liquid.

Cary pulled away, wishing he had a wall behind his shoulders. "Please don't cry."

She shook her head hard, turning aside to twist her hair up, stabbing pins into the knots. "I'm not crying, Cary, god. Get over yourself."

It made him laugh, a short sound that hurt coming out. He got a breath in and shoved his hands in his pockets. "See you around, Kadee."

"You definitely will." She lifted her hand as she left, wiggling her fingers in an airy wave.

{Kadee}

She pressed the tears down small and hard, turning the music up loud on the drive home. When she was in the privacy of her bedroom, with the door shut and locked, and her diffuser breathing a soothing herbal fragrance into the air, she called her brother.

"Dai," he said, cheerful and brisk.

"Did you ever have sex with someone to make them feel better?" she asked abruptly.

"Kadee, hi. Um—that's kind of a personal question. How are you?"

She put her hand over her eyes, making a hysterical sound that was supposed to be a laugh. "God, I don't know. Why do you have to live so far away? I might have completely fucked something up."

"I agree that in general, you are lost without my wisdom," he said calmly. His voice darkened. "Is this about that Curtis asshole? I thought you ended that."

Kadee groaned. "No. I'm the asshole—me." And gulping a breath, she told him everything she thought he needed to know about Cary, including a description of the afternoon in painful detail. Being younger than her siblings by, like, 10 years made Dai more like her cool dad than her brother, and he'd given her plenty of good dating advice in the past. Most of which she had ignored until recently.

There was a gaping silence when she finished. "So..." he said slowly, like he needed to clarify. "He didn't have sex with you."

Her laugh sounded choked. "Right? No, he didn't. I thought that's what guys always wanted. It's what I wanted."

He sighed. "Aw, Kadee, that's tough. Sounds like you like him more than he likes you."

Her body heaved with a sob, and she was glad he couldn't see her reaction. "Is that what you think happened?" she asked.

"Little sis—sex isn't the only thing guys want. I actually like this dude for being honest with you. Sounds like he's having a shit day, and sexy times with a friend don't fix everything. Sometimes they just add to the pile."

She remembered the feel of Cary shaking in her arms, how frightened and small he'd looked, saying what he didn't want. "Do you think it was wrong of me to ask?"

"Well," Dai said slowly, "You're a very a persuasive person. That can't have been easy to say no to you."

She caught her breath, thinking about Cary saying that no one asked him what he wanted. She hadn't asked what he wanted—not really. She'd assumed. How much of this afternoon had been about making her happy and giving her what she wanted, just like he'd done for his mom all those years? What if that was what had triggered him? He was scars all over, and she should have paid attention to that instead of conveniently forgetting how vulnerable he could be and how unsafe he felt in his own skin.

She sagged back on the bed, covering her eyes with her hand. "I've never been with someone I wanted to take care of more. Or done such a bad job of it," she said miserably.

"Well don't beat yourself up over it," Dai said. "If he still wants to be friends like he said—you are great at talking on phones." He laughed and she joined in spite of herself.

But when the line disconnected, she cried until her eyes puffed shut and her throat was raw because maybe that had been her chance with Cary, and she'd wrecked it and now he was gone.

*I'm not crying, you're crying. Do you think Kadee should wait for Cary? Do you want them to stay in touch?

Thanks as always for the reads and votes, lovelies. I love sharing my stories here with you!*