Emma had been doing meditation for a couple weeks now. Most days, Vanessa joined her. It was usually in the evening after the little kids had all been put to bed. There was less chance of an interruption. Lin didn't even look twice now – it was a normal happening. Lexi joined in sometimes as well.

One evening, Emma relaxed in bed and slowly drifted off to sleep. The meditation had helped her relax and fall asleep more easily. She was continuing to see her therapist at school, though they had scaled back to three times a week.

Emma suddenly shot up in bed, screaming. She sat up, gasping for breath and noticed she was sweating. Her mind and eyes struggled to make sense of the situation. Where was she? She had just been at school in the hallway, working on a group project, when the gunman had started shooting them down. It had seemed so real.

Lin was at her door in seconds, concerned someone had broken in. He had a bat with him, and he flicked on the lights, his eyes full of a worry. He found his 17 year old daughter sitting up in bed crying, trying to catch her breath. Lin set the baseball bat down and rushed over to her. He sat on the edge of her bed and pulled her head towards him.

"Sssshhhhh..." he told her gently as he held her head gently. The sound of her crying was heartbreaking. It was a rare occurrence for Emma to cry, especially this much. Whatever it was, she was really hurting. Vanessa appeared at the door in her bathrobe. Lin gave her a weak smile as Emma leaned into him, desperate for a feeling of comfort and normalcy.

Vanessa sat down on the opposite side of the bed and gently stroked her lower leg. Emma's crying had mostly subsided and she was breathing almost normally.

"Were you having a nightmare?" Lin asked her gently.

"Yeah," she responded softly, her voice croaking.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he offered.

"I was at school," she said. "Working in the hallway. The shooting."

Lin and Vanessa hadn't really prodded Emma to share the details of what had happened that day. They figured she'd tell them when she was ready. Perhaps now was that time. The parents waited gently to see if she wanted to continue.

"Leah and I were working on our poster," she went on. "And there were a couple boys from class goofing off, not doing what they were supposed to be doing. I was about to yell at them when this kid turned the corner with that gun. I knew immediately what he was going to do. No one comes into a school with a gun without planning to do something.

"He shot at the group of boys and they...they just went down. It was so fast," her voice trembled. "Leah and I tried to hide, but he was too fast. There were a few more shots and then I don't remember anything else. I woke up in the hospital."

Lin gave her a supportive squeeze and kissed her head. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that, sweetheart."

"Is that the first time you've had a nightmare about it?" Vanessa asked gently. She nodded as Lin rubbed at her back. Vanessa noticed how sweaty her daughter was.

"Let me get you some water, and let's get you changed into some new pajamas."

Vanessa went to the kitchen and returned with some water as Lin continued to talk to her softly. She handed it to Emma and she drank it down quickly. Lin stood up and kissed her on the head again.

"I'll stay in here with her," Vanessa told her husband. He nodded and kissed her cheek on the way out. Vanessa got some fresh pajamas out of the drawers and handed them to Emma. Vanessa refilled her glass while Emma changed.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" she asked, and Emma nodded. It was only a twin bed, but that was fine – Emma just wanted to be held. Vanessa wrapped her arm around her and gently rubbed at her arm until she had fallen asleep again.

____

In the morning, Emma had a look on her face like she was doing some deep thinking. She'd lost sleep last night, so she was feeling pretty groggy. She was already on her second cup of coffee. With lots of sugar.

"You doing okay?" Lin asked her as he rinsed on Sebastian's cereal bowl.

"I guess," she said unconvincingly.

"Are you thinking about the shooting?"

"Yeah," she said. "And I don't want to."

"What did your therapist say about that?" he asked. "Is that part of healing?"

"Yeah, but..." she shook her head and put her head in her hand.

"But what?"

"I want to skip that part," she said.

"It's not that easy, sweetheart," he told her, stopping what he was doing to lean against the counter and give her his full attention. "Your brain has to go through things."

"But I was doing fine before I was seeing her," she told her father. She'd kept herself busy and was able to keep the shooting out of her mind.

"You were burying it," he corrected her. "It was there all along."

"But who says I have to go through nightmares and flashbacks? Isn't everyone different?"

"Yes, but I'm sure everyone goes through this to a certain degree," he told her. Emma was silent for several long moments, torqueing her jaw in thought.

"I'm not going back to see her," she told Lin, standing up.

"Sweetheart, you're making progress," he pointed out.

"Doesn't feel like it," she said, pulling on her backpack.

"Em, you need to go," Lin told her as she met Lexi at the door. Emma didn't answer. Lin sighed as the girls left for school. He couldn't physically make her go to the therapist and talk, but he wished he could somehow convince her that she needed to keep going. Emma liked things to be perfect. Perfect grades, perfect dance technique. When things didn't go her way, she got frustrated easily. Not going to therapy would be a quick fix.

____

At school, the bell rang for Emma's study hall period. She was scheduled to go to the therapist for half an hour, but as she'd decided earlier, she wasn't going. She as coping just fine before the therapist had made her start reliving that day and making her meditate. It was all bringing up things she never wanted to think about again.

How was it therapy if it was making her more anxious and afraid? As she walked down the hallway, she found herself checking out the people around her, looking for strange faces. Looking for someone with that look in their eyes.

Emma knew adults always thought they knew what they were talking about. They always knew what she needed to do. They were wrong on this. They all just needed to step back and let Emma deal with this on her own. If she could just keep busy and not think, she was fine. During study hall, she threw herself into her homework. She did the same at ballet.

During dinner, Emma hoped the subject wouldn't be broached. Lexi was in a chatty mood, so she let her sister dazzle the room.

"Mr. James gave me and Savi and Emily extra credit for the talent show," she said proudly. He had apparently been quite impressed with their rendition of Cabinet Battle #2. Social studies teachers loved Lin. He brought history alive and made it relevant.

"That's great, sweetheart," Vanessa told her. "Is the school doing another show in the Spring?"

"Yep," she said. "And I'm going to audition. I don't know what it is yet, but I loved being in the Fall production. Lin smiled, glad that his kid had caught the theater bug. She was like him in that she loved the instant gratification. She loved the response from the audience. He hoped she continued to be in productions into high school.

After dinner, Emma disappeared into her room to study. She had the SATs and ACTs coming up, so she was trying to do some test prep a couple nights a week. It was another excuse to keep her nose buried in a book. Vanessa came to visit her.

"How was your day?" she began. They hadn't heard from her much at dinner.

"Fine," she said, circling a vocabulary question answer.

"Lin told me you decided not to keep going to therapy," she said. "Can I ask why?"

"Because she's making me feel worse," Emma said, flipping to the next page. "How is that helping me?"

"It's a process," Vanessa said. "It might feel worse for a while, but that's part of working through it."

"I disagree," Emma said.

"And do you have a degree in psychology?" Vanessa asked. Emma looked up and glared at her mother.

"Before I started seeing her, I wasn't having nightmares," she pointed out.

"I know it doesn't always feel good," Vanessa went on. "But I think you need to stick with it. Did you miss your session today?"

"Yes," she said, multi-tasking on her homework.

"See if you can reschedule for tomorrow," she suggested.

"I'm not going back," Emma reiterated. "You can't make me and Lin can't make me."

"You're right," Vanessa admitted. "We can't make you go. But, Emma, if you quit you're making a big mistake. You have a great opportunity to get free mental health care. Something thousands of people wish they had. You can only bury it for so long, and it's going to come up and start interfering with your life. I don't want that for you."

"If I get worse, I'll go back," Emma offered, not thinking it would happen.

Vanessa stood up, sighing. That was as good as she could hope for right now. She left Emma to finish off her homework. Once she'd closed the door, she heard the faint sound of music coming from Lexi's room. She knocked and went inside. Lexi was on her bed flipping through a magazine, singing along to the radio. Vanessa smiled as she sat down with her.

"Hi, V," she greeted her mom.

"Hi," she said. "Can I ask you a question?"

Lexi looked up and saw Vanessa's face was quite serious. She closed her magazine and set it aside.

"Sure," she said.

"It's about Emma," she said. "Do you think she's different since the shooting?"

"For sure," Lexi said. "She's always been serious, but she's way more serious than she ever was. She hardly ever laughs."

Vanessa nodded, having observed the same thing. It was like the joy was gone from her life.

"Plus, she's staying super busy," she added. "She practices downstairs all the time and she's got all these SAT prep books in her room. Have you seen the size of those things?"

Vanessa nodded, "I saw one she was working on just now. It was epic."

"I don't understand why she doesn't want to do therapy any more," Lexi said. "Obviously she needs it."

"I agree," Vanessa said. "But as you know, Emma is stubborn as a mule. How do we convince her she needs it?"

"Interpretive dance?" she suggested light-heartedly. Vanessa laughed. She knew Lexi was healing. She'd had a couple panic attacks, but otherwise seemed well-adjusted. Lexi was very open to therapy, and she was using it to her advantage. Emma seemed to think it was a sign of weakness.

"Don't tell Lin, because he might actually try it," she said. "I don't think she'll listen to me or Lin. She might listen to her sister more though."

"You think I should talk to her?" Lexi asked, feeling a bit grown up at being asked.

"I think you have the best chance of reaching her," Vanessa said. "Maybe you could give it a try?"

Lexi seemed to perk up. Vanessa suspected that Lexi would feel important to be asked to do this. She truly did think Lexi had the best chance of turning Emma. Sometimes it took a sibling, not a parent. Vanessa thanked her and then left her middle daughter to continue with her magazine.

Lin had just left the boys' room. Sebastian had to get up to use the bathroom and was having trouble getting back to sleep. He breathed out and met his wife in the hallway. They hugged and had a quick kiss. Lin took his wife's hand and led her out to the living room. It seemed like they barely had any time together, just the two of them. With five children, it seemed someone always needed something. Lin reclined on the sofa, putting his feet up on the coffee table, Vanessa laying her head on his lap.

Vanessa sighed in satisfaction as her husband stroked her hair with his fingers. It felt so nice to have her hair played with.

"Do you think we'll ever sleep through the night again?" Vanessa asked her husband, causing him to chuckle.

"Maybe in a decade or so," he said. With three children under the age of five, it was rare to get through the night without someone waking up. Now Emma was having nightmares on top of it.

"Lexi's gonna try talking to Emma," she told Lin. "She's not going to listen to us."

"Probably not," he agreed. "Good idea."

"You know what I think we need?" Vanessa looked up at her husband.

"What?" he said. "Don't say a yacht. No."

"No, dumbass," she teased him. "A vacation. We should go somewhere over Christmas Break."

"That's a thought," he admitted. "Where?"

"Somewhere warm," she said.

"We could go back to Puerto Rico," he suggested. "My family would love to meet Emilia."

"Yeah, they would," she admitted. Most of his family from PR couldn't afford to fly up to New York that often. Lin was well off now, obviously, so it was easier to go down there. They got out their date book and looked at what commitments they had. It looked like they could leave the day after Christmas and have a week down on the island. Lin looked up ticket prices and started thinking through some more plans.

Emma slept through the night that night, but wasn't so lucky the next night. During the next week, she had a nightmare four nights. She didn't always wake up screaming, but the shooting was definitely invading her dreams. Emma got more and more concerned, but wasn't going to admit it to her parents. It was just a rough week.

One night, Lexi knocked on her door. She'd been in a few nights ago to try to convince her to go back to therapy. Emma was sure her parents had asked her. Emma had her homework spread out. Lexi grabbed a pillow from her sister's bed and laid down on the floor nearby.

"Why do we have to take the SATs?" she asked Emma.

"Colleges look at it," Emma said.

"But don't they know that one test doesn't determine how smart you are?"

"Tell that to them," Emma said. "They look at other stuff too. Your grades are most important."

"And don't you have a 4.0 G.P.A.?" Lexi pointed out.

"Yep," she said.

"So why are you stressing about this?"

"Because I want to do well," Emma said, a little annoyed. "I want to be the best."

"Or you just want to keep busy so you don't have to think," Lexi said.

"Alright, Vanessa," Emma poked back. Lexi smirked.

"Seriously, you need to chill," Lexi said.

"I have no chill whatsoever," Emma replied. "Do me a favor. Check my answers on this. There's an answer key in the back."

Lexi sat up and pulled the massive book onto her lap. She began to check her sister's answers with the key as her sister went to the restroom and got a snack.

"You missed five," Lexi reported when she came back. Emma almost choked on her cookie.

"Five?!" she said in surprise. "How is that possible?"

She grabbed the book from her little sister and confirmed. They were stupid mistakes.

"Ugghh!" she said in annoyance, tossing her pencil on the floor. "I'm so stupid!"

"Maybe you should take a break," Lexi suggested.

"Maybe you should mind your business," Emma quipped, not enjoying being told what to do by her younger sister.

"Jeez," Lexi said, holding her hands up as she stood. "Do you realize you've gotten meaner since the shooting?"

"No I have not," Emma said. "I've always been mean."

"True," Lexi agreed. "But you're even snapping at the boys."

Emma sighed and rubbed at her forehead. "Lexi, I don't have time for this."

"That's the problem," Lexi said wisely as she put her hand on the doorknob. Emma looked up at her sister and narrowed her eyes. Was she onto something?

"You need to stop letting Vanessa and Lin manipulate you," Emma shot back.

"I'm your sister," Lexi pointed out, her voice becoming serious. "I can have my own opinion. And you're messed up right now, Emma. Seriously. Go to therapy. For all our sakes."

Lexi left and Emma threw a pillow at the door. Why didn't anyone understand? She thought Lexi, of all people, would understand. She'd known her all her life. This was just how she was. She was intense and competitive. And yes, she liked to stay busy. That wasn't a crime, or a sign of mental illness.

____

Emma continued to have nightmares. Sometimes multiple times a night. It was starting to interfere with her sleep. She felt herself dropping off in some of her more boring classes. Emma tried to treat it with coffee. She'd started to buy Starbucks Frappuccino bottles. She'd stash one in her backpack and chug one after lunch to keep her awake in the afternoon.

It finally caught up with her during chemistry one day. Her hardest class. They were taking a test on the Periodic Table and she'd actually fallen asleep. She was awoken when the bell rang. Emma startled and looked down at her test. It was only about half done.

"Shit!" she cursed under her breath. She looked at her table mate, Frank. A geek. "Why didn't you wake me up?!"

"You looked so peaceful," he said, then darted away. (A/N: Who gets the movie reference!)

Emma stood up and rushed to her teacher's desk. "Mr. Gregory!" she said. "I'm so sorry. I fell asleep during the test. Not that it wasn't a fascinating, thought-provoking test, but I've been having trouble sleeping lately. Can I come finish it during study hall?"

Mr. Gregory took the test from his student and glanced up at her. "I'm sorry, Miss Miranda. You had one class period to finish the exam."

"But-" she began, but was cut off by him holding his hand in the air.

"No excuses," he said. "I will grade your test as is."

Emma looked at him, shocked. He knew she'd been part of the shooting. She'd just exposed herself, telling him she'd been having trouble sleeping. And he'd shut her down. Emma's mouth opened, but she didn't get anything out. Slowly, she turned to leave the room. She had never not finished a test before. She hadn't gotten to half the questions. Surely, she'd get an F. Had she ever gotten an F? Emma felt tears coming to her eyes.

She went to her locker, her frustration taking over. She quickly changed out her books and then tried to close her locker door. It got jammed, so she kicked it with frustration, then she just kept kicking.

"Emma!" she heard someone yell. "Emma!"

She turned and saw her therapist standing there. She looked sympathetic. "Why don't we talk?"

Emma didn't feel like she could just go to her next class. She was pissed. Emma felt like she was on the verge of tears, so she gave in. Wordlessly, she followed the therapist to her office. She closed the door and Emma sat down, resting her head in her hands.

"Tough day?" she asked, sitting down.

"Yeah," she admitted. "I've been having nightmares so I haven't been sleeping well. I fell asleep during my chem test and he won't let me finish it."

"I'm sorry to hear that," she said. "Nightmares. That's new."

"Yeah, thanks for that," Emma said bitterly. "Those didn't start until I started seeing you regularly."

"Or maybe your brain needed to go through them anyway."

Emma hadn't thought of that. She released her head from her hands and sat up.

"Why do you think you're having nightmares, Emma?" she posed.

"Because my brain went through trauma," Emma said reluctantly.

"That's right," she said. "Emma, you're a smart young woman. You're incredibly driven. But one thing you're lacking is self-empathy. You won't give yourself an out."

Emma didn't respond, knowing deep down she was right. She wasn't handling this well.

"I'm not allowed to divulge personal information, but some of the other students from the shooting are having nightmares as well," she said. "You're not the only one. And it's totally normal."

"How do I get it to stop?"

"You might not be able to for a while," she said. "But there are some exercises we can work through. Now, are you having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep?"

"I've started to dread going to sleep," she admitted. "Because I don't want to have a nightmare."

"One thing I can do is write you a prescription for a sleep aid."

"Aren't you worried I'll get addicted?" she said a bit bitterly.

"We'd have to watch that," she admitted. "I have one that's not very addictive though. Especially for teens."

"Are you telling your parents about these nightmares?"

"Not all of them," Emma said. "But I wake up screaming at last once a week."

"And what do they do?"

"They hold me. They lay with me."

"Good," the therapist said. "And are you able to get back to sleep?"

"Most of the time," she said. "Sometimes I just get up if it's close to when I wake up."

"So how much sleep are you getting a night typically?"

Emma thought for a moment. "Maybe six?"

She didn't usually get the recommended nine teenagers were supposed to get.

"Do you ever nap?"

"I don't have time," Emma said. "I usually have ballet after school. I took a nap today in chem though."

"What about study hall?" she asked. "If I could arrange for you to go to the nurse's office for that period, would you be willing?"

"I don't know," she said. "I need it to do work."

"What's more important – your work or your mental health?"

Emma sighed and didn't answer.

"Have some self-empathy," she told Emma. "Cut yourself some slack. I can talk to your teachers and ask them to cut back your workload."

"No," Emma said immediately. She took immense pride in her work.

"It doesn't show any weakness," the therapist pointed out. "It's just a temporary adjustment. You'll still get the practice you need, just less."

"I doubt Mr. Gregory would agree with that," she muttered.

"Even Mr. Gregory has a heart," she said. "He knows you've been through a trauma. If a licensed professional tells him he needs to give you less work, he'll have to comply."

Emma had to admit that having a little less work would be nice. Maybe she could actually read for pleasure or watch TV for a while in the evenings. She finally agreed that her therapist could talk to her teachers, after she'd spoken to her parents.

___

That night after dinner, Emma volunteered to do the dishes. Lin approached to help. He'd gotten a call from her therapist that afternoon.

"Your therapist called me," he said as they worked together. "I'm glad you decided to go see her again."

Emma didn't respond, so he continued.

"She mentioned she'd like to talk to your teachers about cutting back your work load. How do you feel about that?"

"Not great, but it might be a good idea," she said.

"I think so too," he said. "You need some down time. She also mentioned maybe going to take a nap during study hall and getting a sleep aid?"

She sighed. She hadn't been honest with her parents about the frequency of her nightmares. "I've been having trouble staying awake in class. I'm having nightmares, like, four or five times a week."

Usually, they were awoken once or twice a week to Emma screaming. He hadn't realized it had been this bad. "Sweetheart, I wish you'd told me."

"It's just temporary," she said.

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer," he said, "even just temporarily."

She sighed. "I fell asleep during my chem test today," she admitted, tearing up at the memory. "I didn't get through half of it and Mr. Gregory wouldn't let me finish."

Lin could tell Emma was getting emotional as she continued to load the dishwasher.

"Em, stop," he told her gently, but she continued. "Em!"

Lin gently caught her wrists and then pulled her to him for a hug. She resisted at first, but then sunk into his chest and started crying.

"I'm so tired," she told him into his shirt.

"I know," he said, stroking her back. Vanessa looked over in concern from where she was cleaning off the table. Lin didn't say anything, just held Emma as she cried. He felt her slowly relax in his arms until she was practically leaning on him for support. He gently pulled back and took her hand.

"Come on. Let's get you to bed," he told her gently.

"But-" she was about to protest about her homework.

"I'll email your teachers," he said as he led her down the hall. The days were getting shorter now. At 7:00, it was already starting to get dark, so her room was dim. Lin pulled back the covers and sat her down. "Kick off your jeans and climb in," he told her as he went to the blinds to close them. When he turned back, she was pulling the sheet over her tummy.

"My teeth-" she began to sit up.

"Going one night without brushing them won't hurt," he assured her, pulling her sheet up a little higher. Lin kissed her on the forehead. "Now go to sleep."

Emma had practically fallen asleep before her father had left the room. She slept soundly through the night. Twelve hours.