Squidward stared out of the window of his face house forlornly.

Today was yet another lovey February 15th day, and everybody was out with their fishy partners, on a romantic walk. Jellyfish were buzzing, flowers were drifting lazily across the sky. Even the small green mush midget had taken his computer wife out for a date. Yes, everybody was outside.

Everybody except for tentacle man.

Said tentacle man sighed, turning around and walking away from the window. It was too painful for him to continue like this. He was dressed up in his finest 8-leg trousers, and yet even someone as romantic, musically talented, and interesting as he could not find a date.

It seemed as though the flab-nosed mini octopus would never find love.

Squidman decided that the only thing left for him would be to sit on his suave leather couch and watch Netflix n Krill. He had just flopped on the couch - which was very hard to do underwater. Have you ever tried falling underwater? It's so slooooooooow - when a car smashed through his wall.

He leapt off of his couch, spraying his black slimy ink goop everywhere. What a waste of good ink. Could have filled 100 pens with that ink.

 He heard a cough, and then bad asthma, and some hideous shape appeared through the blackness. It was huge, it was round, and- as the ink dissipated- Squishward realised... it was beautiful.

To compare the beauty of this person to anything would be too hard. She was like a potato, only spikey. Like a dragonfruit, only much less fruity and with about 17% less dragon. The bow that she wore, that bloated, inflated body like an anaphylactic pincushion...

Squidwart knew it was meant to be.

"Call it what you will," he spoke in his nasally tone, "Bad driving, awful road conditions, the fact that we drive underwater, fate... I believe you were meant to crash into my house."

"Yes," the huge fish replied.

"What is your name, oh wonderful love puff?" Squidingle asked.

"Puff...?" the fish belched.

"PUFF! What a fantabulous name," Squibward exclaimed. "Puff, will you go on a date with me for lovey February 15th day?"

"Yes," the huge fish replied.

"Oh, Puff, I feel like we are going to be great lovers!" Squigglewad grabbed the fin of the fishlady Puff and pulled her out of the mangled wreck of the car...? Boat? Boatcar.

They had a wonderful day together, frolicking through the jellyfish fields, going to Glove World and harassing the latex mascot for photos. Riding all the rides and eating fairy floss.

"Oh Puff," Squareward sighed. "Today has been the best day of my entire life. Don't you think so?"

"Life...!" Puff wailed.

"Ah, yes. Life. I love a woman who can ask the big questions. Which is why... love-puff... I'd like to ask you..." the pathetic octopus man rubbed his neck with one of his 8 tentacles. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes," the huge fish replied.

"Oh, what joy!" The Squipleward man jumped up and down, which, yet again, is very hard to do in water, but he managed it anyway. "We should have children."

"How the hell do squid men even mate?" the Pufflady said at last.

Everything was silent for a long time as Squishlewad thought over his life choices. Not once had his big squid Dad or Mum told him how squidmen mate. In fact, he had no idea at all how children or mating even worked. Obviously Squilbert was a very sheltered child.

"We shall adopt two kidlets!" Squipwad shouted, and almost as though the gods had heard his pleas, two giant Ikea boxes fell from the sky. Squindleward picked both of them up seeing as his fishwife had tiny little arms like a giant, round t-rex, and started to carry them back to his house. His wife - still blown up like a football after the car accident - rolled along behind him.

Almost three hours and fourteen minutes later, the children had been assembled. It had been like a giant game of Operation for the Sqdwrd creature, who had to use six of his eight tentacles to put it together. (Step One was to pull it out of the box, Step Two was to put the clothes on).

What was left, were two beautiful kiddles. A big yellow square thing, and a pink thing in the shape of a star. If only the squidthing had noticed he installed the broken voicebox into the yellow thing, and it would be cursed with an infuriating laugh forevermore.

The yellow thing opened its eyes, which were a stunning blue, and the first thing uttered out of its mouth was, "I'm ready! Being alive! I'm ready! Being alive!"

At that moment, the squidthing's wife let out a terrible scream.

"What is it, snookums?" Squiwar asked in panic.

"It's- It's- SPONGEBEWB!" The fishwife screeched, and at that, there was a terrible popping noise as she began to deflate, turning back into a normal sized fish with rational thoughts and emotions. "No... No! I- I can't live with the Spongebewb!"

"But schmoopsie-poo!" Squiderwad gasped. "Surely you would not part with me on this lovey February 15th day!"

"I'm sorry. I will always remember the time we had together." With that, Squilwad's one and only true love swam to her carboat and drove it out of his wall and far far away.

Squingward turned back to the abominations on the floor, "Spongebewb. It was you that caused this. You... are not my son."

And that is the story of how Spongebewb's reign of terror began.

((Oh my gosh.

This is what happens when you ask me to write a spongebob crackfic at 5 in the morning. I am so so so sorry to everyone whose eyes are now melting out of their head at the toxicness of this.

This was due to a Tumblr conversation my amazing friend Lucario1d4 and I had in the very early hours of this morning (after my friend told me he was going to stay up all night with me and then fell asleep :') )

Go check out his profile - or at least be on the look out - because he has written/is writing a chapter too, and it's going to be great.

ALso, he drew something for it and it's absolutely beautiful:))