Scanlan: I thought you were dead, but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.

(This could work for literally ANY female character he's talking to)

~~~~~

Vax, reading something: the fuck is a "shugyou"?
Scanlan: a hug that makes you shit yourself
Grog, under his breath: me every time I see Lady Kima
Vax and Scanlan: *wheezing*

~~~~~

NPC: damn, must be hard being that fucking ugly
Percy, very pissed off and not wanting to deal with shit: why don't you go touch yourself in a dark corner where only god can see your shame?
NPC: *stunned silence*
The rest of the party: what the fuck—

(I'm just gonna call any random person an NPC, I'm deciding it now)

~~~~~

Vax: yum, thanks!
Lord Briarwood, putting more tape over his mouth: I said stop eating it

~~~~~

Percy: fighting my demons, but they're beating my ass right now

~~~~~

Pike: we can't do this anymore! It's too dangerous!
Scanlan: when has that ever stopped us?

~~~~~

Allura: what are you doing here...?
Scanlan, just there to cause a distraction: oh, I'm just here selling butfores
Allura: what's a butfo—
Allura, glaring at him: get out

~~~~~

Keyleth: I would just like one day without a panic attack
Grog: THEN ATTACK BACK!
Keyleth: what?
Grog: IF YOU ARE BEING ATTACKED YOU HAVE TO ATTACK BACK!
Keyleth: grog, that's not how that works...
Grog: STOP BEING A FUCKING COWARD KEYLETH AND ATTACK THE PANIC!!!!

(He's a little confused, but he's got the spirit)
(Also I had a panic attack while driving the other day)
(2/10 would not recommend)

~~~~~

Keyleth: it's been so long since I licked a tree!

~~~~~

Scanlan, walking into a room: sorry I was late, I was...doing things
Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder
Tiberius, out of breath: HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!!!

~~~~~

Percy: I wasn't "trauma dumping" I was telling you my lore

(Omg I'm stealing that now)

~~~~~

Vex: Birds are truly the epitome of self care. Do you see how much time they spend grooming themselves? How many times a day they go get snacks? How often they scream at nothing just to let out an emotion we cannot understand? Inspiring.

~~~~~

Vex: okay, that's enough! No more talking about Pike!
Scanlan: but you told me to get it out of my system!
Vex: I didn't know how much was in your system!

~~~~~

Scanlan: my pronouns are they/she
Scanlan: they/she me rollin' they hatin'

~~~~~

Scanlan: have you tried yelling?
Grog: I have no idea what you're referring to but of course I've tried yelling.

~~~~~

Keyleth: you think kindness doesn't exist you fucking pathetic nihilist? how about you look into the big beautiful eyes of a cow? what do you think now? asshole

~~~~~

Percy: hey, do you have any sunscreen?
Grog: nah, I don't like the way it tastes
Percy:
Percy: I'm sorry, did you just say that you eat sunscreen?
Grog: no? Why would I eat it if I don't like the way it tastes?

(Grog my beloved <3)

~~~~~

Scanlan: What if the person who thought of the word "umbrella" meant to call it a "brella" but was under a lot of pressure?
Percy: Please consult your three brain cells before waking me up at 3AM for an "important question" again

~~~~~

NPC: you took my daughter's virginity!
Scanlan: sorry, won't happen again

~~~~~

Vax: I'm bisexual and confused
Scanlan: about your sexuality?
Vax: no, I just never know what's going on

(Same)
(Also, I looked it up, and Vax is canonically bisexual!)
(I mean, I figured he was, purely bc of a few characters he either gets with or flirts with)
(But his voice actor confirmed it!)
(Neat!!!)

~~~~~

Pike: I can't believe we're locked in this room together!
Scanlan, throwing the key out the window: I know...truly unfortunate...

~~~~~

Scanlan, to Vex: At this point, I'm not sure who wears the pants in your relationship
Percy: on a good day, neither of us do
Vax, getting up from the table: Brb gonna throw myself off the Keep

~~~~~

Vax, jokingly: so, when are you going to go out with me?
Keyleth: I don't know, when are you going to ask me?
Later
Vex: and you just...ran away!?
Vax: I didn't expect her to flirt back!!!

~~~~~

Keyleth: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?
Percy: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-
Grog: smad

~~~~~

Scanlan: no gender. Just shitty black nail polish.

~~~~~

Uriel: what are you planning now?
Scanlan: hey now, planning!? Do you know who you're talking to!?

~~~~~

Scanlan, fighting off enemies: PIKE! MARRY ME!!!!!
Pike, fighting off a much larger horde of enemies: IM KINDA BUSY AT THE MOMENT

(This is literally their dynamic and I love it)

~~~~~

Grog: I may not have many braincells, but I make up for it by having a lot of heartcells

~~~~~~

Vax: what—and I mean this from the bottom of my heart—the fuck

~~~~~

Percy: *tells a story*
Vex: wow, Percy, this story has everything! Action! Adventure! Romance!
Vax: romance?
Vex: I have a crush on him

~~~~~

Grog: Can I offer you a nice stick in this trying time?

~~~~~

Scanlan, in a horrible German accent: Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein.
Grog: Can I go to the bathroom?
Scanlan, in the same horrible German accent: Nein!

~~~~~

Pike: Scanlan, no.
Scanlan: Scanlan, yes.

~~~~~

Pike: That sounds like a terrible plan!
Grog: Oh, we've had worse.

~~~~~

Vax: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.
NPC: I think you mean cards.
Grog: He did not.
Vax, pulling out knives: I did not.

~~~~~

Scanlan, texting Pike: I'm a theif.
Pike: Thief.
Scanlan: Theif.
Pike: I before E except after C.
Scanlan: Thceif.
Pike: NO.

~~~~~

Scanlan: Why are Vex and Vax sitting with their backs to each other?
Grog: They had a fight.
Scanlan: Then why are they holding hands?
Grog: They get sad when they fight.

~~~~~

Vax: Count me in!
Percy: Who the hell are you?!
Vax: Oh, you know my sister! She worked at Wendy's.
Percy: Oh yeah, Vex! How is she doing?
Vax: Oh yeah, not too good. She's been dead for the past month.
Grog: What the hell, she didn't tell us!

~~~~~

Pike: Can I ask you for a favor?
Scanlan: I would literally die for you, but continue.
Pike: We need to talk about you starting sentences that way.

~~~~~

Scanlan, watching Pike do something badass: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.
Pike: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.

(I wanna make so many references to various arcs, but I also don't want to bc of spoilers)

~~~~~

Vex: Grog...
Grog: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

~~~~~

Vex: Prepare to feel really bad about yourself.
Vax: I've been prepared for that my entire life.
Vex:
Vax: Or something mean about you.

~~~~~

Scanlan: Oh and for your information, I don't have an ego.
Scanlan: My facebook photo is a landscape.

~~~~~

Scanlan: So how's the food Pike made?
Vex: It's great! Compliments to her.
Scanlan: *goes to the kitchen*
Scanlan: You're adorable.
Pike: *blushes*

~~~~~

Vax is crying after a breakup
Percy: There there, Vax.
Vax, still crying: Thanks, but how did you get into my room?
Percy: that is...an excellent question...

~~~~~

Scanlan: We both look very handsome tonight.
Percy: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Scanlan: I couldn't take that chance.

~~~~~

Pike: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.
Scanlan: I know. Whenever I'm near the person I like I just start acting stupid.
Pike: But you're always acting stupid?
Scanlan:
Scanlan: Yeah, don't think about that too hard.

~~~~~

Pike: I owe you one.
Scanlan: That's ok. You can just date me and we'll call it even.

(Fuck, I can't remember what show this is from!!!!)
(I know I've seen it, but I can't remember it for the life of me!!!!)

~~~~~

Pike, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.