Scanlan: will you finally go on a date with me?
Pike: sure, why not?
Scanlan: you'll come aro—WAIT. DID YOU SAY YES????
Pike: um...yes?
Scanlan: OMG WAIT HOLD ON BRB *dashes off*
Pike:
Pike: should I leave, or...?
Scanlan, running in dragging Grog behind him: SAY IT AGAIN

~~~~~

Scanlan: could you guys at least try to see from my perspective!?
Vax: *crouches down*
Percy: *kneels down*
Grog: *sits on the floor*
Scanlan:
Scanlan: I hate all of you

~~~~~

Vex: i bet those colors only shrimp can see suck major ass
Keyleth: jealousy isn't the way bro

~~~~~

Scanlan: the fact that I don't have heart shaped pupils is a fucking tragedy

~~~~~

Scanlan: What's the word for horny but not in a sexual way? like I'm horny for halloween but I don't wanna fuck a pumpkin, you feel?
Pike: do...do you mean excited???

~~~~~

Vex: *walks in wearing Percy's shirt*
Percy: stealing from me again, hm?
Vex: what?
Percy: first my heart, then my shirt. What's next, my last name?
Vex: I mean...you did tell my Father that I was your wife...
Vax, just trying to eat breakfast: *chokes*

~~~~~

The party are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff
Pike: For the love of Sarenrae, Scanlan, drive backwards!
Scanlan: Really, Pike? I thought I might drive forwards into the river, i thought that would be a fun thing to do!

(Real question is who let Scanlan drive)

~~~~~

Vex: darling, why are you on fire?
Percy, unfazed: this is just how my day is going

~~~~~

Scanlan: what do you like in bed?
Pike: privacy

(Mood)

~~~~~

Vax: my body is a temple
Vax: I mean, it's a temple from Legend of Zelda so it is bizarre, dangerous, falling apart and controlled by a horrible monster. But that's still a temple

(He's talking about the Raven Queen)
(Also same)

~~~~~

Percy: So... what's going' on?
Scanlan: You want the long version or the short version?
Percy, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?
Scanlan: Shit's fucked.
Percy: Oh. Well, yeah, that's definitely not an optimal situation.

(Context: Percy joined a battle late and Scanlan was the only one close by and conscious)

~~~~~

During Episode 38 (Echoes of the Past)
Scanlan: *goes into his room*
Kaylie, holding a dagger:

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

~~~~~

Vax: *walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone*
Keyleth: Hey, Vax! How was your day?
Vax: *picks up and onion and bites into it like an apple* hell
Vex, watching this unfold: who hurt you...?

(My cousin bit into an onion like that once)
(I like onions, but not enough to eat one like an apple...)

~~~~~

Vex: does everyone know what they're doing?
Scanlan: the plan, or like, in general?
Vex: the plan...
Scanlan: oh, yeah, I'm good

~~~~~

Someone, pointing at Scanlan: is this guy bothering you?
Pike: yeah, but he's my boyfriend, so there isn't much I can do about it

~~~~~

Scanlan: do you think different paints have different tastes?
Grog: they do
Percy: why did you say that with such certainty...?

~~~~~

After the Briarwoods killed the De Rolo family
Percy: hello, my name is Failure, and you're watching my life crumble into pieces
Percy: *waves his finger and sings like he's in a Disney Channel intro*

~~~~~

Grog, holding up their class notes: And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like "Chipotle".
Grog, in shock: Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle"?

~~~~~

Scanlan: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

~~~~~

Keyleth: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it's illegal to dig up!
Keyleth: Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!

~~~~~

Keyleth: Alcohol is delicious! ...I mean, MAlicious. Sorry guys, I'm really drunk right now.

~~~~~~

Murderer: Any last words?
Scanlan: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest.

~~~~~~

Kaylie, when Scanlan is trying to be a decent dad: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

~~~~~

Kima, at the slightest provocation: I came into this earth screaming and covered in someone else's blood and and I'm not afraid to leave the same way.

~~~~~

Scanlan: I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me first.

~~~~~

Pike: Did you wash the dishes?
Scanlan: I thought you wanted to do that...
Pike: *chuckles* You were WRONG.

~~~~~

Keyleth: *Texts a selfie to the group chat* Hey besties!!
Percy: *Texts a selfie clearly parodying Keyleth's* hey besties !!1!
Keyleth: I literally hate you so much.

(Sibling vibes)

~~~~~

Percy: Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

~~~~~

Percy: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?
Vex: Peonies, why?
Percy:
Vex: Were you going to get me flowers?
Percy:
Vex:
Percy: ᶦᵗ'ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

~~~~~

Vax: That's ridiculous, Gilmore doesn't have a crush on me.
Allura: Yes he does
Vex: Yes he does
Gilmore: Yes I do.

~~~~~

Vex, looking at a selfie of Scanlan's: I hate this photo.
Scanlan: I'm cute as fuck in that photo! I'm smiling kindly.
Vex: You're not smiling kindly; you look like you're up to something.
Scanlan: Up to kindness.

~~~~~

Vax: So when are we gonna tell him?
Vex: Just give him a minute.
Grog: *Pulling on a door that clearly says push.*

~~~~~

Percy: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*
Vax: *standing on the roof* Bless you.
Percy: God?!

~~~~~

Vax: I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in this house with a bunch of morons.

~~~~~

Scanlan: What goes up but never comes down?
Percy: The amount of stress you're bringing this family.

~~~~~

Percy: I've been here in jail so long I think I've lost my mind.
Percy: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.
Percy: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?
Scanlan: Stop being dramatic, it's just Monopoly

~~~~~

Percy: I'm tired.
Vex: You slept for three hours last night! Why are you surprised?!
Percy: I'm not surprised. I just wanted to complain about it.

~~~~~

Percy: Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don't answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.