Scanlan: my love language is to get on your last nerve
Pike: My love language is lying about my last nerve and secretly keeping a more flexible last nerve

~~~~~

During New Years
Scanlan, one minute after Midnight: Woah, Percy, I haven't seen you since last year!
Percy: get out of my house

~~~~~

Grog: How petty can you get?
Vex: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

~~~~~

Keyleth: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.
Zarah: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

~~~~~

Scanlan: Vex, I want a bedtime story!
Vex: I'm busy, Scanlan. I'll tell you one tomorrow.
Scanlan: If you don't tell me a story, I won't go to bed!
Vex: Once upon a time, there was a man named Scanlan, who always wanted things his way. One day, his friends got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end.
Scanlan: I don't like these stories with morals.

(This is literally their dynamic and I love it)

~~~~~

Percy: I've organized my messages into three categories.
Percy: "From Zarah"
Percy: "Death Threats"
Percy: and "Death Threats From Zarah"

(They're all "if you hurt Vex, I'll make sure that Cassandra is the last living member of the de Rolo family")

~~~~~

Vex, to Vax: Well, one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me.

~~~~~

Keyleth: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
Vax, used to Keyleth being dumb: Sure...
Keyleth: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.
Vax: Okay?
Keyleth: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.
Vax:
Keyleth: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-
Vax: Jesus, that one is a little-
Kima, interested: No, no, Keyleth, keep going.

~~~~~

Percy: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.

~~~~~

Grog: I don't want to fight you!
Kash: I wouldn't want you to fight me either!

~~~~~

Kim's: Hey, Allura. What kind of flowers do you prefer?
Allura: I like sunflowers.
Kim's, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit-

~~~~~

Grog: There's beer in the cooler.
Vex: What about for the children?
Grog: You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer.
Percy: Why don't we just give the kids water?
Grog, angrily: I suppose you could do that!

~~~~~

Percy: Self-care is suppressing all your trauma until it comes back and hits you in the face with the force of 7 very large trucks.

~~~~~

Scanlan: Hey Pike?
Pike: Yeah?
Scanlan: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?
Pike:
Pike: ...What.

~~~~~

Pike: Yesterday, I watched Grog try to eat a decorative rock from Percy's potted plant. Vex caught him, and told him he can't eat rocks. Grog started whining something about no food being in the house before walking away.

~~~~~

Keyleth: What's your greatest weakness?
Percy: Interpreting the semantics of a question, but ignoring the pragmatics.
Keyleth: Could you give an example?
Percy: Yes, I could.

~~~~~

Vax: My head hurts.
Vex: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

~~~~~

Vax: you go try to talk to him!
Scanlan: why me!?
Vax: he's known you the longest!
Scanlan: he also tolerates my shit the least! No, we need to send someone that he likes, someone that can get away with shit
Vax and Scanlan:
Later
Vex, walking into Percy's workshop: Percival, darling, I need to ask you something!

~~~~~

Percy, drunk: Some days, I can't decide if I want to push Vex against the wall and make out, or have her shove me against the wall instead, you know?
Vax: No. Absolutely not. This is not something that I needed to imagine or know about you and my sister, and I want to keep it that way.

~~~~~

Pike: I just want to hear those three little words
Scanlan: I love you :)
Pike: try again
Scanlan:
Pike:
Scanlan, sighing: I will behave
Pike: there you go :)

~~~~~

Vex: darling, you know that I'll always be there for you with open arms
Percy: thank you, Vex, I really appreciate that
Vex, whispering: and legs
Percy: *chokes*

~~~~~

Karik: You don't need to be so stressed all the time
Keyleth: I don't need to be but-
Explosion goes off in the background
The sound of the rest of the party arguing over whose fault it was
Karik: UH-
Keyleth: I don't have the option to not be stressed

~~~~~

Scanlan: did you read my diary?
Percy: no, why do you ask?
Scanlan: because you corrected my spelling mistakes
Percy: WHAT KIND OF PERSON SPELLS "THAT" AS "T-HAAT"????
Scanlan: WHAT KIND OF PERSON GOES THROUGH ANOTHER MAN'S DIARY
Percy:
Scanlan:
Percy: that's fair

~~~~~

Vex: I got nearly killed several times now, I'm not scared of anything
Vax: then ask Percival out
Vex: I am scared of one thing

~~~~~

Grog, trying on Percy's glasses: how do I look?
Percy, squinting: I have no idea

~~~~~

Percy: I think your calculations may have been...off...
Scanlan/Grog: they can't be off if you don't do any

~~~~~

Percy: we need more help. Maybe I should call my friends
Scanlan: you're...what?
Percy: my friends
Vax: is he saying "friends"?
Grog: I think he's being sarcastic
Keyleth: No, no, no, this is delirium, he's cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Percy! All of your friends are in this room.
Percy: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks.

~~~~~~

Scanlan: If you're over 5'11, sorry your pronouns are fe/fi/fo/fum.
Vax: If you're under 5'11, sorry your pronouns are oompa/loompa/doompety/doo.

(Tag yourself, I'm 5'2-ish)
(Im gonna be the shortest of all my siblings, it's depressing)
(Like, yeah, I'm taller than the 9yo and 7yo NOW—the 11yo is already at my height, and he's nowhere done growing—but the 9yo is already at my shoulders and the 7yo is just below my shoulders)
(They're gonna be my height—if not towering over me—by the time they go into middle school)
(Why did I have to—quite literally—end up with the short end of the stick of the gene pool)