Pike: when you were a kid, what was your biggest fantasy?
Percy: to have a living family
The twins: to have a dad that loved us
Keyleth: to have a mom
Pike:

~~~~~

After Crimson Diplomacy
Vex: are you okay?
Percy: why do you ask?
Vex: well, you just asked me if my damage repair shampoo also works on emotions, so

~~~~~

Vex: I don't get paid enough for this
Vax: paid enough for what?
Vex: *gestures to the rest of the party*

~~~~~

Scanlan: booby traps? Sure, I'd easily fall into a trap if I saw boobs

~~~~~

Scanlan: you must be a broom, because you have swept me off my feet~
Pike: I'm actually a plunger, because I'm sick of your shit

~~~~~

Grog: I'm the fucking 7th wheel, how do you think it's going?

~~~~~

Scanlan: of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, I've been the same height since I was 12

~~~~~

Vex, after getting a new set of arrows from Percy: I'm so happy I could kiss you!!!
Percy, flustered: um...neat
Later
Percy, lying face down on Scanlan's bed: I said 'neat', Scanlan. Who the fuck says neat these days? It's not neat to say neat but i said it anyways because i'm fucking stupid.
Vax, reading a book in the corner: Don't beat yourself up too much, Percy. You know what i did when Keyleth confessed her love for me?
Percy: what?
Vax, shutting the book and staring up at the ceiling: I fucking thanked her.

~~~~~

Keyleth: Plants are basically the ideal friends. They are quiet, friendly, and easy to please. All they need is a little water and fresh earth, and they are perfectly happy to lie there all day in the sun. And they don't make increasingly awful life choices, or hide their relationships. They have never, as far as I know, fucked a bee.

~~~~~

At a speed dating event
Pike: Oh wow, people are really shallow.
Scanlan: Consider it a background check. For example: Do you have a death certificate?
Pike: *Checks her pulse* Sorry, not yet.
Scanlan: Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again.

~~~~~

Kima: This bloodline ends with me.
Scanlan: That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say "I'm gay".

~~~~~

Keyleth, gardening: Hey, can you bring me the hoe?
Grog: Yeah, sure.
A few minutes later
Grog: Here you go.
Keyleth:
Grog:
Scanlan: Why am I here?

~~~~~

Scanlan: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.
Grog: Wow, I've gotta hear this.
Scanlan: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.
Grog: You forgot pride.
Scanlan: No, I'm pretty proud of this.

~~~~~

Scanlan: Percy, what do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?
Percy: ...People?

~~~~~

Kima: What's your body count?
Scanlan: Do you mean sex or murder?

~~~~~

Pike: Do you think sex without love is a sin?
Scanlan: If it is, I'll see you in hell.

~~~~~

Gilmore: I like your new pants!
Vax: Thanks, they were 50% off!
Gilmore: I'd like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*
Vax: The store can't just give away clothes for free.
Gilmore: Thats's... not what I meant.
Vax: That's a terrible way to run a business, Gilmore.

~~~~~

playing twister
Scanlan: Right hand red.
Percy: *ends up on top of Vex*
Vex: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Scanlan: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

~~~~~

Pike: Seriously, Grog, how many people would you have killed if I asked you to?
Grog: That's not important
Pike: I DISAGREE.

~~~~~

Keyleth: *chokes on something*
Scanlan: Jeez, Allura, don't die on us.
Keyleth: Don't tell me what to do, I'll die whenever the hell I want!

(She then proceeds to yeet herself off a cliff)

~~~~~

Grog: I'm a reverse necromancer.
Percy: Isn't that just killing people?
Grog: Ah, technically.

~~~~~

Grog: Why doesn't Kima find me sexy when I bite my lip?
Percy: What do you look like when you bite your lip?
Grog: *bites upper lip*
Percy: ...Have you considered biting your bottom lip instead?

~~~~~

Percy: Have you heard of Murphy's law? The one where if something can go wrong, it will go wrong?
Vax: Yeah, I have.
Percy: Have you heard of Cole's law?
Vax: Is this a joke about coleslaw?
Percy: ...maybe.

~~~~~

Scanlan, pointing a camera at Grog: There he is, our sweet baby.
Grog, holding a cigarette and a beer: What-?

~~~~~

Tiberius: What should I do?
Allura: *holds out hand* May I suggest dinner with a friend?
Tiberius: Well, none of my friends are available, so I guess I'll have to go with you.

(I like on how during The Feast, Allura literally asked Tiberius on a date, and his reaction was basically "oh...uh...o-okay, cool" *leaves*)
(Like, he started asking her out as a "friendly gathering" with Kima and Grog—totally not trying to set Grog up on a double date with Kima)
(And then Allura literally said "well, that'd be kinda awkward. How about you and I have lunch sometime instead? Just the two of us?")
(AAAAA I love their dynamic)

~~~~~

Scanlan: Pike is playing hard to get.
Scanlan: Little does she know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

~~~~~

Grog: Who do we know that has handcuffs?
Scanlan: Well Zahra and I-
Zahra: *elbows Scanlan*
Scanlan: ...wouldn't know.

~~~~~

Vex: I've been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Percy: Wow. He sounds stupid.
Vex: But he's not. He's really smart actually. Just...dense.
Percy: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don't know... "Hey! I love you!"
Vex: I guess you're right. Hey Percy, I love you.
Percy: See! Just say that!
Vex: Holy fucking shit.
Percy: If that flies over his head then, sorry Vex, but he's too dumb for you.
Vex: Percy, darling...

~~~~~

Vax: Two bros!
Gilmore: Chillin' in a hot tub!
Vax and Gilmore, in unison: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!

(I'm using an incorrect quote generator, and it seems to be confused between Vex and Vax)
(For the record, Vex is the girl twin, and Vax is the boy twin)

~~~~~

Grog: This totally sucks.
Pike: This is horrible.
Grog: Yeah, I know, I mean look at today's news.
Pike: No, it's not that, it's Scanlan.
Pike: It's just like, I can't get him out of my head and every time I look at him I have these pains in my chest, and I just know it's his fault, that bitch!

~~~~~

Pike: *yawns*
Scanlan: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.
Pike: Then you must be exhuasted.
Grog: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.

~~~~~

Pike: I have feelings for you.
Scanlan: Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay?

~~~~~

Scanlan: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it.
Vex: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.

~~~~~

Vax: Bro, I had a dream we fucked.
Gilmore: Bro, relax it was just a dream.
Vax: Huh, gay, I wouldn't fuck you.
Gilmore: You wouldn't?
Vax: I mean, unless you want to-

~~~~~

Pike: I love you.
Scanlan: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.
Pike and Scanlan kiss passionately
Vax, to Keyleth: You owe me 20 gold

~~~~~

Pike: This food is too hot... I cant eat it.
Scanlan: You're very hot, and I still eat you.
Everyone at the table: *silence*
Vex: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!
Keyleth: One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER!

~~~~~

Keyleth: Go fuck yourself.
Vax, smugly: Sure, but only if you watch

~~~~~

Vex: ....Thou shalt not marry each other, for thy art both sinful...
Pike: I just wanna fucking marry Scanlan!!

~~~~~

Scanlan: Fuck you.
Vex: No u.
Scanlan: I'm down.
Vex: You're like 2, what the fuck-
Scanlan: I AM NOT 2!

~~~~~

Pike: I fell—
Scanlan: From heaven?
Pike: No, I literally fell—
Scanlan: In love with me the moment you saw me?
Pike: MY ARM IS BROKEN!
Scanlan: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

~~~~~

Scanlan: Did you miss me while I was gone?
Pike: You were gone?

~~~~~

Scanlan and Pike are in Paris.
Scanlan: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny?
Pike: But...
Scanlan: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...
Pike: This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception?
Scanlan: Yeah.
Pike: But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.
Scanlan: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION.
Pike: Okay, alright.

~~~~~

Scanlan: I have one foot in the grave but in a kind of fun flirty way, the way one might slip on a fishnet stocking.