Pike: WHAT DID YOU DO!?
Scanlan: you know what they say, "be gay, do crime"
Pike: yeah, for like stealing from corporations, NOT MURDERING PEOPLE

~~~~~

In a battle
Vex, trying to warn the rest of the party: TO THE LEFT
Scanlan: Take it back now y'all

~~~~~

Keyleth: I have an idea. We should be cheerleaders
Percy: We're not wearing the Dallas Cowboys cheer uniforms you bought.
Scanlan, wearing a Dallas Cowboys cheer uniform and cowboy boots: speak for yourself

(For anyone wondering, this is the cheer uniform)

(I now want fanart of ALL the members of Vox Machina in the uniform)
(Vex and Scanlan would be rocking it, Grog would be fucking hilarious, Vax and Percy would be annoyed/embarrassed, and Keyleth and Pike would be shy)
(Someone PLEASE make this happen)

~~~~~

Scanlan: you know what I've realized?
Vax: some thoughts are better left unsaid?
Scanlan: nice try. Anyways—

~~~~~

Scanlan: You've come to the right people.
Uriel: I didn't come to you at all. You just walked in here without knocking
Scanlan: there wasn't time for you to figure out you needed us

(This is LITERALLY how the cartoon started)
(And I love it)

~~~~~

Vax: do you realize that there's a rumor going around that you're in love with my sister?
Percy, under his breath as he's making ANOTHER arrow for Vex: fuck, does that mean that people are denying it?

~~~~~

Vex: Percy is my bf
Vax: your best friend or your boyfriend?
Vex: yes

~~~~~

Percy: No-one calls Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III a thief!
Vax: yeah, because nobody's got the time

~~~~~

Grog: if you water water, it grows
Keyleth: ...what
Scanlan: let him finish

~~~~~

Percy: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
Grog: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Vax: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Grog, learn to listen.
Keyleth: What if it bites itself and I die?
Vex: That's voodoo.
Grog: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Pike: That's correlation, not causation.
Keyleth: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Scanlan: That's kinky.
Percy: Oh my God.

~~~~~

Keyleth: Hewwo.
Pike: Hihiiiiii!
Vex: Greetings, Humans.
Percy: Three kinds of people.
Scanlan: I want pudding.
Percy: Four kinds of people.
Grog: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?
Percy: Five kinds of people.

~~~~~

Vex: we all have our demons
Vex, grabbing Percy's hand: and this one is mine

~~~~~

Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker
Percy: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Keyleth: ...I did. I broke it.
Percy: No. No you didn't. Grog?
Grog: Don't look at me. Look at Scanlan.
Scanlan: What?! I didn't break it.
Grog: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Scanlan: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Grog: Suspicious.
Scanlan: No, it's not!
Vax: If it matters, probably not, but Vex was the last one to use it.
Vex: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Vax: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Vex: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Vax!
Keyleth: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Percy.
Percy: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Vax: Percy... Pike's been awfully quiet.
Pike: rEALLY?!
Everyone starts arguing
Percy, to Jarett: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Percy: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Jarett:
Percy: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

(It's Briarwood's Arc Percy)
(When he was possessed by that demon thing)

~~~~~

Vex: Scanlan sneezed earlier and I accidentally said "shut the fuck up" instead of "bless you"
Percy: how do you accidentally say "shut the fuck up"—?

~~~~~~

Grog: hey, Scanlan, can I get some dating advice...?
Scanlan: listen, just because I'm with Pike doesn't mean I know how I did it

~~~~~

Grog: I don't want to get political, but what the fuck is a table

~~~~~

Scanlan: I call this polyamory, but it's just me  being a whore

~~~~~

Percy: Everybody's tragic backstory gave them mad skills and all I got were trust issues and anxiety.

(Same)

~~~~~

Percy: *takes off glasses* Wow...
Vex, blushing: what is it?
Percy: you're really fucking blurry

(So many fics have Percy taking off his glasses for various reasons—mainly to clean them—and bc my brain is my brain, i picture him looking very attractive while doing so)
(Idk what that says about me, especially since the majority of my family—especially my moms side—needs glasses)
(Maybe it's bc media always portray glasses as a sexual thing—especially regarding men—and I'm a media consuming hot mess of a teenager)
(But who knows 🙃)

~~~~~

Vax: It is 6:09 .
Vax: I am wondering why I'm still alive.
Vax: Send Wendy's.
Vex: The whole restaurant?!

(Sibling vibes)

~~~~~

Scanlan: How do tall people people possibly sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you?
Vax: Scanlan, it's four o'clock in the morning.
Scanlan: So, you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket?

~~~~~

Vex: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking.
Zahra, patting her on the back: Well, don't think too hard. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

~~~~~

Vex: It's not gonna work, I'm not a snitch.
Cop: Fine, let's try something else. Tag a friend you recently committed a crime with.
Vex: Lmao, @Zahra.

~~~~~

Kash: Oh and for your information, I don't have an ego.
Kash: My facebook photo is a landscape.

(I think I did this in an earlier chapter...)
(Ah well, still fits)

~~~~~

Grog: Percy said its my turn with the brain cell.
Vax: Square up.

~~~~~

Pike: Guys, Scanlan is missing.
Vex: Good.

~~~~~

Zahra: Kash, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor.
Kash: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?

~~~~~

Grog: Guys, my friend here is bilingual.
Percy: Yes.
Grog: Which means they like both boys and girls.
Percy: Ye- wait, what-
Vax: Grog, that's not what bilingual means-
Grog: Shhh, it's okay Percy. I still love you, man.
Percy & Vax:
Grog: bUT NOT LIKE THAT-

~~~~~

Pike: You made enough pasta that you could take it to lunch tomorrow. Put it in a container.
Grog: Shovel the pasta into your face. Do it. Put it in your face. The future is meaningless but the pasta is now.

~~~~~

Scanlan: I think we can all agree I'm the ten amongst these threes.

~~~~~

Vex: How do you know how to kiss? Like who teaches you?
Percy: Well it's actually a class, but unfortunately it's full right now.
Percy: Would you like me to tutor you?
Keyleth: That was smooth.

~~~~~

Scanlan: What do you guys do when you're stressed?
Pike: Try and calm myself down!
Grog: Sleep.
Keyleth: Get myself into even more stress, so that the first reason for my stress gets cancelled out.
Percy: I don't.

~~~~~

Percy: I'm Percy. I'm an accountant.
Vax: I'm Vax. I have a knife.

~~~~~

Pike: Life could be worse, Percy.
Percy: Life could be a lot better too!

~~~~~

Percy is telling a story
Vex: Wow, Percy, this story has everything! Action! Adventure! Romance!
Pike: Romance?
Vex: I have a crush on him

~~~~~

Pike: This was almost a great idea.
Vex: You just described 90 of our stuff.

~~~~~

Vex: Hey, Percy, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?
Percy: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.
Vex: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?
Percy: Can't really say I have.
Vex: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.
Percy: Sorry, Vex. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

~~~~~

Percy: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat.