L o u i s a

"And I'm sorry I'm not all the things that you want, all the things that you thought I would be." - Misunderstood, Fly Away Hero

I stare at the ceiling, shadows dancing all across the room.

The soft moonlight trickles in, casting shadows all across the room.

I can feel a shiver run up my spine; shadows dancing all across the room.

The demons, they're here, casting shadows all across the room.

*

I clutch onto my books as tightly as I can, taking a quick look around before opening my locker. I hurriedly grab whatever books I need for the rest of the day and slam the metal door shut, stuffing them into my already overstuffed bag before anyone comes my way.

Sometimes I wish I could stop living in fear. In fear of them. In fear of everyone.

If only summer could come faster. How is it possible that the holidays are in three short days, yet it feels like an eternity away?

A mocking but ear piercing scream reaches my ears, followed by laughter. I clench my fists, knowing exactly who is coming. My shoulders tense and so do my jaws. I take a step forward and walk as fast as I can, without running, towards my next class, looking at the ground the whole way there, refusing to turn back, knowing from the sound of hurried footsteps that they are following closely from behind me.

I bump into someone as I go around the bend. I slip and fall to the floor; my books and papers scattering all over, pain shooting up my spine.

"Oops," someone says, the sarcasm and amusement thick in her voice. "Oh, Louisa. I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there."

Deciding to be the bigger person and not pick a fight with them — not like I have the courage to anyway — I gather my items and stand up, sucking in a deep breath of air, chewing on my bottom lip to prevent myself from tearing up.

I don't want to give them the satisfaction of winning, of beating me.

"I'd best be my on my way," she says, snickering, pushing me against the concrete wall as she walks past me. "Wouldn't want to be late for class."

She laughs, almost maniacally, when she reaches her group of friends standing at the other end of the hallway, behind me, almost like she is a serial killer who got away with murder.

She might as well be one.

Using my free hand to brush away the tear threatening to fall, I head towards the chemistry laboratory, bracing myself for whatever punishment I'd have to face as I am already, in the very least, fifteen minutes late.

I sigh in relief when I finally arrive at the lab, glad that I did not run into any more trouble along the way. I reach up and knock on the door.

"Umm... I'm sorry Miss Karen, for being late," I mutter, shuffling my feet nervously.

"That's alright, Louisa. Since this is the last class for the year, you will be excused from punishment. Please try to avoid being this late in the future. Take a seat," she replies kindly.

"Thank you," I say, nodding my head, before hurrying towards my seat.

"Hi," Ria, my lab partner and best friend — my only friend — greets as I sit down.

I plaster a smile on my face. "Hi."

"Why were you so late?" she whispers, curious, completely ignoring Miss Karen's lesson.

"Umm..." I say, trailing off, not intending to continue.

Instead, I advert my attention to the board only to see that the board is full of chemical equations. I reach down to retrieve my notebook — with patterns that resemble creeping ivy on the four corners of the cover — from my bag and begin jotting down everything that is written on the board, deciding to make sense of it another time.

"Don't change the subject, Lou," Ria hisses.

I let out an exhausted sigh. "Fine. Well, it was them. I don't think I need to elaborate further, do I?"

Ria curses under her breath. "Dammit Lou."

I watch as she clenches her fists tightly, almost as if she was ready to punch them whenever she saw them.

"They're really going to get it this time," she mutters.

"Ria. Stop. No, don't do anything. See, this is why I didn't want to tell you. I don't want to cause more trouble that necessary," I say exasperatedly, wanting to stop any and all conflict before it even begins. After all, prevention is better than cure, right?

"But Lou. It's about time to show them who's boss. It's about time they find out that they can't just go around bullying people however they like."

I take a deep breath of air, calming myself before I got too worked up. "Please don't. Please, do it for me."

She doesn't answer.

"Don't do it, Ria. You and I both know that something like this will not turn out well."

"Okay, okay, whatever, Lou. You win," she says, annoyance thick in her voice, raising her hands up in surrender.

"Thank you," I reply in relief.

I look back down at the open notebook on my table, taking a note of where I stopped copying before seeing the board, only to find myself staring at Miss Karen, who is standing right in front of me.

"Louisa. If you and Miss Sanchez have something to say, please share it with the rest of the class. We're dying to know," she says, slightly pissed, clearly sarcastically.

"Uh... I—I'm so—"

"I'm sorry Miss Karen. We won't do it again," Ria answers, saving me from embarrassment.

"I sure hope so. Because the next time I catch the two of you talking about non-chemistry related things... Well, I don't think I need to say what comes after, now, do I, Miss Simmons and Miss Sanchez?"

"No, Miss Karen," both Ria and I murmur at the same time.

"Good. Now back to the lesson."

My shoulders sag in relief and it's almost as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, though, I think it's more of being glad that I'm not in trouble nor punished.

I glance at the whiteboard, ready to jot down whatever was written on the board for future reference, only to be interrupted by the ringing of the bell. I groan, slightly annoyed at myself for talking throughout this whole lesson instead of listening to what Miss Karen had to say. How am I going to catch up now? I have absolutely no time at home to revise anything.

I sweep my belongings up with one hand and open the flap of my bag, the velcro causing a loud sound to echo throughout the room, before deciding to just carry everything to my next class as opposed to keeping them, for convenience sake. On the bright side, I don't have to worry about running into any of the mean girls because Ria and I have the same class next.

It's not that Ria is popular enough to stop them. It's just that she's braver than me. More confident. She's not afraid to stand up for herself so that no one will be able to step all over her. Personally, I don't want to do that because I do not want to cause any more trouble, as responding to the bullying, more often than not, will only make it worse for me as they'll do it more often and I do not want that. But honestly? Me?

I'm terrified.

We file out of the class after everyone else has already left. I hurry past the teacher's table, praying that I won't be stopped by her as I was talking during her class. Thank goodness she didn't.

The second I step into the hallways, noise fills my ears, the usual chatter between students before the next class begins. If I listen closely enough, I could pick up a secret or two, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm not the kind of person to invade someone else's privacy.

I let out a sigh as we push through the oncoming crowds, with Ria leading the way. She starts going on and on about the latest celebrity gossip or some interesting fact she read on the Internet — I wouldn't know; I am not listening — before stopping in her tracks, so suddenly that I bump right into her.

"What's wrong?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

"What's wrong with you?" she shoots back.

I shrug, opening my mouth, intending to switch to another topic before she could ask me about anything else, and, therefore, forcing me to tell her things that I don't want to, but she beats me to it. As per usual.

"I can tell that something is bothering you, Lou. What is it? You know you can tell me," she says gently, concerned.

"It's nothing," I answer, walking ahead of her.

And I'm not lying.

It really is nothing.

Nothing new.

Because I experience it every day.

I'm just so used to keeping it all inside. I'm so used to holding everything in and pushing everyone away. And I know that Ria is only trying to be a good friend and I'm really grateful to her for it as I don't exactly have any other friends but living for the past so many years having to hide and to be invisible.

"Please, Lou. You need to open up to me. You know I'm only trying to help."

I sigh yet again. "I know. I'm trying, Ri, I really am. You know it's hard for me..."

She keeps silent, choosing not to reply. A slight tension starts to settle between us on the walk to the next class.

But as much as I try to deny it, I really do need a friend. I really do need someone who, I know, will always be there for me, no matter what.

We reach the classroom — World History to be more specific — and enter, mildly surprised that no one was there yet. I glance at the wall clock. 2:15. That explains it. We're early.

We plop down at our usual seats at the back of the class and I set down the books I am carrying in my arms and move them to the side of the table. I unzip my pencil case and remove a mechanical pencil before reaching into my bag to retrieve a black, spiral bound notebook, although, unlike the last one, this notebook is plainer and slightly thicker with extra sticky note and paper stuffed into it.

I open it and flip through it to find an empty page to write on. I uncap my black pen and start writing, pouring out everything I have in me into this one. To me, this is the best way of releasing everything that's built up inside of me. To me? This is my form of comfort.

*

I sit at my study desk by the window, moonlight streaming in through the curtains that aren't drawn properly. I open my notebook, the one I use to write in, and flip it to the page I had written on in school. My eyes scan its contents quickly, not wanting to overthink anything.

I stop and stare

At everyone around me

Who walks past me

Like I'm invisible

Like I am nothing.

I stop and stare

Hoping the world will provide

A distraction from the war

That's raging on

Inside of me.

I reach for my pen in front of me, starting to uncap it, before deciding against it.

What's the point of writing yet another poem? Admittedly, it does help, but the effects are only temporary. I need something more permanent. I need something that can shut out all the thoughts that are swarming my mind.

I know that I should not keep it all to myself, but sometimes, I simply can't help myself. It's much easier to just bottle it up than to tell anyone about it. I don't think anyone needs any extra burden. And I know Ria is always scolding me because of this. Honestly, I try my best to tell Ria everything but I don't even know where to start. She may be my best friend, but there are just too many things going on in my mind.

I don't know how to sort it out.

I don't even know how to put into words how I feel inside. There are no words to describe the feeling of dread and hopelessness in the depths of my heart.

It's all just a messy blur. And I know Ria is only trying to help me get over everything that's been consuming me and haunting me.

But by now, I'm way beyond saving.

[A/N: So, what did you guys think about this chapter? I know some of you have said that the pace of this chapter is too slow and it's too boring so I edited it and added/removed some parts. Is it better now? Also, what did you think about Lou's way of dealing with everything?]