S a m

"But tell me why you don't put up a fight. You might've left but you're stuck in my mind." - Muriel. Alex G

It doesn't matter

If you've left

If you're gone for good.

And I may not be perfect

And I may be broken and bruised

But I believe that if we're meant to be

Our paths will cross again

And the memories of you

Will be playing in my mind on replay

Until we meet again.

*

We've all made mistakes, done things we could change, done things we regret. But we've all also made memories, things we wish we could go back to, things we wish we could rewind and replay.

And, I guess, Lou will be just that.

She'll be the one who got away.

And you couldn't do anything to stop it.

"Sam."

My ears perk up at the sound of my name. "Yes, Mum?"

"I'm free now. What is it you wanted to tell me?"

I heave a tired sigh. "I think it's best if Dad was here as well."

Her eyebrows furrow in confusion. "I'm worried now, Sam. What do you want to tell us? What's so important that you have to wait for Dad?"

I shake my head. "It's nothing to worry about, Mum. I promise. I just don't want to have to repeat myself twice."

She nods. "Okay, hun. If you insist. I trust you. Tonight then."

"Yeah, tonight."

*

Surprisingly, Dad came home early from work today. I wonder if Mum pestered him to do so or if he was actually planning on doing so. It doesn't matter now, does it? It doesn't matter whether Dad comes home early or late. I'm going to have to tell them eventually. Postponing it won't help me at all. If anything, it's just going to make me feel more nervous.

"Sandy, could you go play with your sister upstairs?" Mum tells my brother softly.

"Why can't I stay here?" he protests, sulking.

"Because your brother, your dad and I have some things to talk about."

"Why can't I stay?" he asks again.

"It's adult talk, Sandy. You wouldn't understand."

"You treat me like a baby. I'm nine years old already! I can understand."

I chuckle. "Sandy, please just go up with Stacey. I'll come up and get you as soon as I'm done."

"Fine," he says reluctantly, running up the stairs and towards Stacey's room.

It's always so hard to get him out of the room in these kinds of situations. I wonder if I was like that when I was his age.

So, what was it you wanted to tell us?" Dad asks, watching as Mum sits beside him on the sofa.

I take a huge breath of air in an attempt to calm myself down. "Well, you know how I wanted to take a gap year?"

Mum nods. "Yes, go on."

"So, I thought that instead of staying in this town and just working or something, I thought I could join a volunteer program."

"Where are you going with this, boy?" Dad asks, getting slightly impatient.

"What I'm trying to say is that I applied for a volunteer position with a team headed to South East Asia next month."

"What?" Mum exclaims. "Please tell me this is a joke."

"Sam, how could you apply for this without telling us?" Dad says, anger laced in his voice, getting to his feet.

That's it.

They're going to kick you out of the house for going behind their backs.

I walk towards him, placing a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. "Please, Dad, Mum. You have to understand where I'm coming from. I want to make the most of my time instead of just working and doing things any other person can even if they went to university straight away. I want to make a difference.

"I know this comes as a really abrupt news but, I thought, since no one needs me here, I'll go someplace where I am needed."

"Oh, hun," Mum says, standing up and heading towards me as well, pulling me into a hug. "I need you."

I chuckle. "You know what I mean, Mum."

I pull away from her embrace, looking at Dad. "Please, Dad?" I plead.

"Well, I'm certainly not going to reject this idea. If anything, it's an excellent choice. It'll give you great exposure and it'll certainly look well on your résumé. I'm just upset you didn't tell us beforehand," he replies, smiling.

I look towards the ground sheepishly. "Sorry Mum, Dad."

Dad shakes his head. "It's alright, son. I'm just proud that you decided to take the initiative to try something new."

I nod. "Thank you so much."

He chuckles, patting my back. "I hope you enjoy your time there."

"Anyway, when do you leave?" Mum asks, curious.

"About that," I start, chuckling nervously. "My flight is actually next Monday."

Dad groans. "Oh, Sam. You really have got to make it a habit to tell us of your plans beforehand you know," he says, a hint of laughter in his voice. "You remind me of my brother when he was your age. And maybe a little bit of me as well."

Mum laughs. "Definitely. Your dad is one for pulling last minute things on all of us."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Once, your dad only told me about the dog he was adopting the day he was due to collect him."

"Dad, why?" I ask, unable to contain my laughter.

He joins in, shrugging nonchalantly. "What can I say? I'm a spontaneous person."

"Right," Mum replies, deadpanned.

"I've really got to start packing," I say, gesturing towards the stairs. "I haven't started and I'm leaving in three days."

Mum waves her hand dismissively. "Leave the packing for tomorrow. It's late already. I'll even help you if you like. Just go and call your brother and sister and we can all have dinner. Finally. All of us on one table," she says, giving Dad a pointed look.

He lifts his hands in surrender. "I'm sorry, Liv. I promise I'll be back at a more reasonable time from now on, now that my project is over."

"That's good to hear," Mum replies. "Let's go and have our dinner, shall we?"

*

I thought that if I told my parents late and did everything at the last minute, I would feel so rushed that the nervousness would go away but that tactic most definitely did not work out.

"Promise you'll call or text us every single day. Don't go all radio silent on us. I worry about you Sam," Mum says, straightening the collar of my jacket.

I chuckle. "Don't worry, Mum. I can take care of myself. You have nothing to worry about. Besides, I'll only be gone for two months. I'll be back before you know it."

She nods. "Well, it's just that you've never been so far away from us before and-"

"Mum. Stop worrying," I tell her, smiling.

"Alright."

"Bye, Stacey. Be a good girl, okay?" I say, smirking.

"What are you trying to say, huh?" she replies playfully.

I shrug. "Who knows?"

She rolls her eyes dramatically, grinning.

"And you, Sandy, I'll miss you," I say, averting my attention to my little brother.

"I'll miss you too. Who am I going to play with now that you're gone?"

I chuckle, ruffling his hair. "You still have your sister and your schoolmates to play with, Sandy. I'm not your only playmate."

Sometimes, I wish I could be as ignorant as Sandy. I wonder how life would be like than. Much simpler, that's for sure. Less things to worry about. Nothing too complicated. No problem that can't be solved.

But, as we grow up, things start to twist around each other and everything just becomes a huge mess and the line between good and bad is all blurred. Nothing is black and white anymore. Everything is all grey. Nothing is as it seems.

There's always going to be another problem around the bend and the times we actually spend contented with our lives are getting more and more minuscule with time.

Everything just becomes more and more complicated and eventually, you'll just snap. Some earlier than others.

Like you.

But you're finally making the effort to restore yourself, Sam.

That's all that matters.

And yes, it's hard, especially when you're grown up and you understand and see a lot more of the world around you. That the world is broken and society is placing impossible expectation after impossible expectation onto your shoulders. And you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulder.

But I think the important thing at the end of the day is to learn to let go of the things that doesn't matter, let go of the things that tie you down and just go on with life.

I don't know.

Going all the way to the other side of the world on a volunteer mission may seem like a drastic step to most but not to me. I think that it's exactly what I need. To just get away from all this and just do what is possibly the most rewarding thing one can do.

Healing is not an easy process, especially when your past is tainted with memories you wish you could erase so that you can start afresh. But a part of healing is to learn to live with those memories and not let them control you.

Do I wish Lou is here?

Absolutely.

Do I wish Lily is still alive?

More than anything.

But I can't do anything in my power to change that.

And a part of me will always remember this summer and the short amount of time I spent with Lou for more than one reason.

Yes, I enjoyed her company. Yes, I may have felt something for her and if that something is a mere infatuation or something more, I will never know.

But what I do know is that, in her own way, she taught me that it's not good to dwell in the past. That it's time to move on and stop focusing on what we can't change and start focusing on what we can.

She has taught me things and impacted me in a way she will never know. And I'll be forever grateful, no matter whether I see her again or not.

"Goodbye, guys," I say, turning on my heels and walking towards the entrance of the departure hall.

"Bye, Sam," Mum calls out.

I turn around and wave at her before continuing on my way, stopping before the security guard.

"Your passport and boarding pass, sir?" he asks.

I hand him the documents I am holding in my hand and he checks it, circling my gate and boarding time, before passing it back to me.

"Have a great flight, sir."

I nod. "Thank you."

I take a step into the departure hall.

If there's anything I learned this summer, it's that love is not crazy. It's hope. And it's what keeps us driving forward.

You've learned a lot, Sam.

Now, just keep pushing forward.

And, right now, that's all that matters.

___

A/N: And yes, Sam has grown from this experience to. I suppose, to a certain extent, there's a reason I wrote Voices the way I did. I mean, you and I both know that it would be unrealistic if they ended up together. They have too much baggage, too many chains weighing them down. They're not ready for a commitment and they've both realised this. I really do hope you understand where I'm coming from.

And, folks, there you have it. The last chapter of Voices. Don't worry, there's going to be an epilogue as well haha so do stick around for that.

Vote and comment if you enjoyed reading this chapter c: Love you

PS. Check out 29 Words if you haven't already c: