L o u i s a

"It comes in waves, I close my eyes. Hold my breath and let it bury me." - Drown, Bring Me the Horizon

And once the magic fades away

And life goes on

You start to realise

The delusion you were living in

And you begin to wonder

Why you were so caught up in it

And why you thought that

It could be anything more than just a dream.

*

The shrill sound of the bell reaches my ears, signalling the end of this class and the beginning of our lunch break.

Finally. I've forgotten how dreadfully long classes are, especially when you have a teacher who speaks in a monotone and goes around and around in circles.

"Just to remind you all, we will have a revision test next lesson. Don't forget to study for it," Mrs Morrison, our Biology teacher, says. "Have a great day."

I gather my things and stuff them into my backpack, wearing it over my shoulders and waiting for the rest of the class to clear out before walking out of the class, only to see Ria already waiting for me outside.

"Hey, Lou. How was class?" she asks cheerily, throwing her arms around my shoulder

I groan. "It's only the first week back in school and we already have a test coming up," I complain. "I mean, can't she at least give us a few weeks to get back into the school routine?"

She scoffs. "Tough luck, huh. What subject?"

"Biology."

"Mrs Morrison?" she asks.

I nod grimly. "Unfortunately."

She chuckles, patting my back. "Don't worry, Lou. It can't be that bad. Hey, we can even study together. I sure could use some brushing up, especially with Bio. You know how I am with that subject."

I shrug nonchalantly. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

It was as if someone had just flicked on a switch and all I felt like doing is to get away from everyone. There's too many people. It feels so constricting. It feels like everyone has their eyes on me, that everyone knows what happened, that everyone is judging me.

I'm sure that's far from the case - I mean, the student body hardly even knows my name - but I can't help but feel that everyone is trying to find ways to tear me down.

I breathing turns shallow, my heartbeat accelerates and a sheen of sweat starts to form on my forehead. I clench my fist to stop them from shaking so much and look straight ahead, gritting my teeth, my shoulders tense.

I quicken my pace, hoping that by walking faster, the feeling will go away and Ria will stop making small talk with me. It's not that I don't want her to. It's just that I can't really bring myself to answer her.

Not when I'm in this mood.

She jogs to catch up with me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Lou. Slow down. We're not in a race or anything," she says lightly and jokingly, trying to ease the tension.

I shake my head in reply.

"Oh, come on. Don't act like that. Talk to me, girl. What's bothering you?"

I turn to look at her, my expression deadpan. "Are you seriously asking me that?" I say, my voice cold and expression hardened.

"I'm sorry," she says exasperatedly, lifting her hands up in surrender. "You, of all people, should know by now that I'm only worried about you and I want you to know that-"

"You'll be here for me. Yes. You've told me that. Several hundred times," I say quickly, cutting her off.

"I really don't know what's gotten into you these few days, but you've really changed. You're becoming ruder and meaner and colder. I can hardly recognise the Lou I became best friends with," she tells me softly, a hint of pain in her voice.

She gives me a sad smile before walking away, leaving me alone in the crowded hallways.

Have I really changed that much? I don't mean to. I just want this weird sense of pain and confusion I'm feeling inside to end. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm just pushing people away even more than I have.

I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve here.

I don't even know myself anymore.

But of all people, I thought Ria would understand.

Come on, Lou. Be real. You can't honestly expect Ria to read your mind, do you? You've hardly told anyone how you feel. Ria may understand you better than most people, but if you keep shutting her out, how do you expect her to understand you now?

She may be your best friend, she may always be there for you, but you've got to help her understand as well. You have to be there for her as well. One sided relationships don't work, Lou.

I take a huge breath of air and push those negative thoughts away. I can't afford to think about them now. This is hardly the right time to feel sorry for myself. I wouldn't want this mask to drop again, will I?

I need to do something far more important. I need to go find Ria and apologise to her. She doesn't deserve to be on the receiving end of my anger and confusion. She's done nothing but be good to me all this while.

And, more importantly, I've got to let it go.

I can't keep dwelling in the past and living in a fantasy. I've got to close this chapter of my life and move on to the next. How will I ever lift myself out of this misery if I don't?

Dad would've wanted it.

I turn on my heels and run the way Ria left, pushing my way through the oncoming crowd. Soon enough, I spot the back of her head and when I am near enough, I reach out to grab her shoulder. She turns to look at me, still wearing a hurt and upset expression.

"I'm sorry, Ria. I just- I just don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. I really don't mean to push you away or anything."

Her eyes soften and she looks at me with understanding. 'It's okay, Lou. I'm here for you. Just don't force me away again and I promise I'll help you figure everything out."

I nod, my eyes tearing up, pulling her into an embrace. "Thank you," I whisper, my voice shaking.

"That's what friends are for, Lou. Never forget that."

*

I am finally done with the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. I remove the yellow, rubber gloves and hang them on the hook above the sink to let them dry and wash my hands under the cold, running water before switching it off and wiping my hands dry on the hand towel hanging from the handle of the cupboard below the sink.

"Mum. I'm going up now," I call out, making a beeline for the stairs.

"Alright, honey. Have a good sleep."

"You too."

I open the door to my bedroom and enter the room, closing it quietly behind me, before flinging myself onto my bed.

I wonder how Sam is doing.

At first, after I left, he kept trying to call and text me and it took me all my willpower to ignore it and eventually, they stopped. It's safe to say that he finally got the message to stop trying with me but I can't help but wonder how life would be like now if I hadn't pushed him away.

Like I push everyone who tries to get close to me away.

No, stop it, Lou. You can't keep wallowing in your pit of self pity and what ifs. Yes, he happened and it may have felt good at the time but you were just caught up in the moment and weren't thinking clearly. He's not the priority now.

Like you said, it's time to focus on yourself and to make yourself better.

Learn to live with yourself and to be happy again.

Do it for Dad.

I heave a tired sigh and get to my feet, heading towards my cupboard, opening it and grabbing my nightgown and a pair of sweatpants.

I slip out of my dirty clothes and toss them into my laundry basket beside the wardrobe and put on my pyjamas before walking back towards my bed, sitting on the floor and leaning my back against the bed.

Enough, Lou. Enough. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Enough is enough.

I fumble for my phone on my bed and dial Ria's number.

"Hello?" she says, answering the call on the first ring. "What's up?"

"Nothing much. I just wanted to call and ask-" I pause, choosing my next words carefully. "And ask if we're okay."

She chuckles. "Yes, Lou. We are okay. We are definitely okay."

I sigh, relieved. "Thank gosh. I don't want to lose you too."

"Hey, you won't. You may be good at pushing people away, but I can see through that mask of yours and know what you need, even if you're scared to admit it."

"Thanks," I mutter.

She doesn't reply immediately, the sound of her television in the background drifting into my ears. "Are you okay though? Please don't lie to me. Let it out, please," she begs.

"I don't know, Ria. I'd love to say that I'm okay, that I'm better than okay, but I don't know if I can. I don't even know why I feel this way. I barely even know him for that long."

"Well," she starts. "You don't need to know a person for a long time for them to change your life. I'm not saying that you should, Lou, but maybe you should start listening to your heart instead of trying to control everything with logic and practicality like you always do. Live a little recklessly.

"Yes, it's scary. But sometimes, it can be really rewarding. Love unconditionally, act stupid, do what you want. As long as it doesn't injure you."

I laugh at her comment and she chuckles.

"What I'm trying to say," she continues, "Is that maybe you should let your guard down. I'm no expert on this but you should try it. You never know what you can discover by living a little dangerously once in a while."

"Well..." I trail off, not knowing how to reply.

"You don't have to heed to my every word, but promise me you will at least consider it."

"I will," I mumble.

"Great. Well, I have to go now. Sorry about that. See you in school tomorrow?"

"Sure," I reply, trying to sound happy.

"Great. Goodnight, Lou."

"Night, Ria."

And with that, she hangs up the call.

Her words really resonated with me though.

I've never seen her give me this kind of advice before. What she normally does is try to force me to say it out, to talk about it, and she always says that she'll always be there for me and that it's not good to bottle it up.

But it's clear that I've just witnessed a different side of Ria tonight.

And I kind of like it.

Maybe I should really do what she said. Maybe I won't feel as horrible as I've been feeling since Dad passed away. Maybe I should really learn to let go and stop trying to just stay afloat. It's easier said than done, but it's no harm trying.

I don't know. I don't know if I'll actually listen to her advice and do what she says. I don't know if that will work or if anything will work.

I don't know anything but that's not the issue right now.

Right now, I've got to learn to let go of the things that weigh me down. I've got to learn to let go and to move on. To forgive them and to forgive myself.

I've got to learn to love myself again.

It's undoubtedly going to be a long journey, but I think I'm finally ready to take the first step.

___

A/N: I know I didn't do that great a job at Lou's character development (sorry. I do plan on focusing more on that when I edit) but I hope you can see that she's grown from her experience in Westfields. She came as a girl who is afraid of the world and has completely given up hope and left as a girl who's ready to start trying again. c:

I hope you enjoyed this! Vote and comment if you do.

(Oh, and if you have the time, do check out 29 Words if you haven't already. I'm going to enter that along with this book in the Wattys so I really appreciate all your support.)

We're nearly done with this story. Just one more chapter and the epilogue and then we're done! What? I feel like I just started.

Love you!