L o u i s a

"What are we doing? We are turning into dust, playing house in the ruins of us." Broken Strings, James Morrison ft. Nelly Furtado

I look at you

And everything I've been trying so hard

To forget

Comes back

Like a tidal wave

To drown me

And relieve me

From making another mistake.

*

Ria has definitely been having a lot of fun here despite my absence. And when I say absence, I don't mean it in the literal terms. I've been spacing out a lot more than usual, lost in my thoughts, not grounded or focused and I'm sure she has noticed - it's impossible not to - but she doesn't say anything about it.

But, knowing Ria, she most likely has something up her sleeves to make me talk.

And that's what I don't want. I don't want to 'talk about it' or 'let it out'. If I do, it would just seem more real than ever. And I know that this reality that I'm living in my mind, where everything works out and all the pain is wiped away, is far from the truth.

But sometimes that's all we have. Dreams that will never become a reality.

A loud, dramatic sigh reaches my ears and brings my focus back into reality.

"Yes, Ria?" I ask, trying to sound happy and carefree.

"You don't have to pretend around me, Lou," she replies, slightly tensed.

There she is.

There's the Ria who's dying for me to spill my heart's contents.

"I'm not ready this time, Ria," I mutter.

"I can see that. That's why I've been giving you your space but you're really starting to worry me. We all know what happened the last time you went this far with your self pity party."

"Please, Ria. Not now," I say, getting to my feet.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Home, where else?" I reply, not bothering to mask my exhaustion.

"Please, Lou."

I shake my head, walking away from her, my feet sinking into the sand as I walk.

I know Ria has been looking forward to going sailing with Basil and I but I don't think I'll be able to join them. If anything, I'll just ruin the mood. And anyone would be blind to miss the spark going on between them.

Perhaps if I left them alone, something might happen between them. Especially since my own attempt at a love story was an utter failure.

What am I talking about? There wasn't even a love story to begin with.

I don't even know what to think about Sam and I. We were never an item to begin with. He wasn't making any move on me and I definitely was not making the first move. I mean, yes, in those few days before his accident, there may have been some sparks or just something going on between us but that's as far as we go.

We were just too caught up in the moment and the idea to see the practicality behind it.

Then why do I feel like I'm mourning over someone who I actually care for?

It doesn't make any sense. Nothing adds up. Sam and I went on one outing together, shared one kiss, which was more than obviously a mistake. He doesn't mean anything. He shouldn't. But then, why do I feel like he does?

It's like-

It's like Dad all over again.

*

It's been over ninety days.

And life went on. As usual. As it should.

But my life felt like it stopped the moment Dad left us. I know it wasn't his fault, and I'm not about to blame him for something that's out of his control but I can't help but wonder how life would be if Dad never went to the hospital, if he never had leukaemia and a weak heart in the first place.

It's only been ninety days and Mum's favouritism towards Lowella was already showing.

She scolded me for not attending the funeral. How could I? I didn't want to be there, to receive the 'deepest condolences' from people I hardly knew. I didn't want to be the centre of attention, to be 'the girl who lost her father'.

I just wanted to be me, mourning over the loss of my best friend, without anyone's intervention.

And, to my own credit, I did turn up in the graveyard, after the crowd cleared. And Mum was there. Mum saw me come to pay my last respects to Dad.

Lowella didn't even bother taking a leave of absence from her boarding school for her own father's funeral.

And yet, Mum didn't blame her or scold her. Lowella was more than able to come home. But she didn't want to. She chose not to. And Mum chose not to see it. And I'm the one at fault.

Yes, because I didn't love my father enough to visit his grave.

Was her 'loving attitude' towards me all just an act for Dad?

A tear slid down my cheek as I climbed the stairs to the roof of the school. I needed the fresh air. I needed the time alone, away from the mass of students. I couldn't bear to enter that lunchroom and feel the eyes of practically the whole student body on me as I walked to my table, all whispering and muttering about how I'm holding up after my father's death.

I couldn't stand that any longer.

I couldn't bear any of it anymore.

I pushed open the door, a breeze of cool air hitting me. I took a step onto the roof and headed towards one of the table set up in the centre of the courtyard, placing my bag on the empty seat beside me.

Ria offered to join me but I didn't want her to. I didn't need anyone to try and comfort me and say that time will heal all wounds.

Time won't bring back my father.

I unzipped my school bag and took out a brown paper bag that held my lunch. I opened it and took out a sandwich wrapped in cling foil, setting it on the table.

I knew I should eat, but I didn't felt like it.

But I'll force myself.

I couldn't go for days without eating.

Ever since Dad passed away, my normally huge appetite had all but disappeared completely. I knew people might be thinking that I'm taking his death too hard but I couldn't help it. On top of losing him, I've also lost the love and care and support I had at home because Mum refused to even look me in the eye and say that she's there for me anymore.

It's amazing how much one tragic event could shape a person and bring out their true colours.

On top of that, Mum met a new man. A new man. In less than three months after her husband of nearly eighteen years passed away. I didn't even know what to think of it.

I felt a drop of rain land on my nose. I looked up to see an ever darkening sky. It was as if even Mother Nature knew how I felt.

I took out my umbrella from the side pocket of my bag and opened it, grabbing my phone as well and walking to the edge of the building, looking out over out city.

The rain started pouring heavily and, even with the umbrella, I was starting to get soaked in rainwater.

The rain started pouring heavily and, even with the umbrella, I was starting to get soaked in rainwater.

What's the point of an umbrella if it couldn't even protect you from the rain?

Rain.

New beginnings, as some might say.

"A new beginning," I mumbled, scoffing. "I wish. If only life were that easy."

A new beginning wouldn't bring back what I've lost.

I threw the umbrella to the ground. There was no need for it if it couldn't even carry out it's function properly.

There was no need for me if I couldn't even carry out my function properly.

I stepped onto the ledge, sitting down, watching the people below go about their usual business.

I took my phone from my pocket and glanced at the screen of my phone blankly, as if waiting for someone to call or check up on me, though I know that would never happen.

People might think that I am strong, what with everything that happened, but what they didn't know was that I was far from that. I was tearing apart inside, hoping a strong front would fix that. But, of course, it didn't.

"I'm not as strong as you think I am. I'm no Superman," I said, wanting both everyone and no one to know at the same time.

I got to my feet, took one good look at the busy world around me, and I jumped.

*

"Lou! We're back," Basil calls out. "Let's go for dinner, shall we?"

I get up from the couch in the living room, grab my sling bag from beside me and head to the kitchen.

"Yeah sure," I reply nonchalantly.

"We're going to the diner to grab some fish and chips."

I nod in reply, wearing my sling bag across my right shoulder.

Basil gestures for the open door and I walk out, with him following from behind me.

The brief walk to the car feels more awkward than it should be between us, but I guess it's mostly my fault. As everything is nowadays. I've only been messing everything up. See why I shouldn't become attached to anyone?

"How was the sail?" I ask as I got into the car.

"It was great!" Ria exclaims excitedly. "Oh man. You should have been there. The wind in my hair, the feeling of being out on sea. I've never felt anything quite like that before. It was absolutely magical."

I chuckle. "That sounds just like what you would say."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she replies, confused.

"Nothing," I muttered.

"Anyway, it was awesome. We should go sailing sometime. After I learn to sail and save up enough money for a boat, of course."

"Sure," I reply, pressing my forehead against the cool glass window and staring at the world outside as we drive past.

The streets are lit by the dim, yellow streetlights, just enough to illuminate the path. That's all we ever need, really, to see our way forward. To see what's in front of us. But that's a privilege most of us will never have in life.

I'm honestly not even sure what has gotten into me these few days, why I'm taking my departure from Sam so horribly, but I really have to pull myself together. I'm letting my heart get the better of me. This has got to stop.

This isn't like me at all. In fact, my whole attitude this summer is so unlike me.

At least now, with Sam out of the picture, I can go back to living a normal, mundane life.

It's just like I've told myself time and time again. Sam should mean absolutely nothing to me. Nothing more than a passing acquaintance. Nothing more. He shouldn't. Because that's just exactly what we are. We aren't anything more.

We have no roots, no history, no connection. Nothing. That's all he should be to me. That's all he should ever be to me.

I'm doing this for the best, for the sake of both of our sanity and pride and happiness.

If either of us are even happy and contented with our lives in the first place.

I feel my phone buzz and I open my bag to take it.

I unlock my phone, my eyes skimming the message I have just received, my hands shaking slightly as I take in the words on the screen. I had to read the message several times to be sure. And even then, I'm not quite sure what to think of it. I'm not quite sure what I should do.

Lou, I know you aren't expecting to hear from me anymore but I need to do this. Will you please meet me by the beach at sunset tomorrow? If you show, I promise I won't let anything stand in our way anymore. And if you don't, I promise I'll stay out of your life for good. Please, Lou. I hope to see you there - Sam

___

A/N: Now you understand what really happened in the prologue haha.

I don't feel like saying much today but I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. Don't forget to vote and comment!

Oh, and please please please do check out my short, 29 Words.

If this gets 10 votes, I'll update earlier. If not, see you on Wednesday!

Love you!