L o u i s a

"I'm forgetting. Who I am. Why can't they see that I'm not perfect." - Escape, Megan Nicole

One.

Two.

Three.

Surprise.

Surprises always throw you out of proportion.

Always makes your life spiral

Even more than it was before.

*

I hope I didn't make a fool of myself in front of Sam. I'm glad he said what he did though. I'm glad he brought me back to my senses.

Hearing him talk about the possibility of 'us' reminded me of how unfit I am for him. I shouldn't lead him on even more than I already have, even if it's unintentional. He deserves a better, happier life than one with me.

I'm not going to lie. Today was a great experience, whether it was a date or not. It's refreshing to know that someone out there understands and cares, though, it seems like he cares about me in a way I'm not ready to be cared for.

Being loved unconditionally for once would be nice, but I'm not sure if I'm selfish enough to weigh someone down with that burden. It's hard to love someone like me, especially if even I find it difficult to love myself.

No, I have to distance myself from Sam and I have to do it now, no matter how much it hurts to do so.

I have to.

I must.

Before I'm in too deep.

I push open the back door of my house.

"Basil, Aunt Annabelle, I'm home," I call out as I enter, closing the door quietly behind me.

"Lou!" someone exclaims, pouncing on me and wrapping their arms around me before I even have the chance to look at them, knocking both of us to the floor.

She pulls away, a huge smile on her face.

"Ria, what are you doing here?" I ask, laughing.

She shrugs. "Can't I be here? I just wanted to spend some time with my best friend during the holidays. My parents allowed me to come over and your mum said that I could stay with you at your aunt's."

"Wow. That's great," I reply, plastering a smile on my face.

It's not that I'm not glad to see Ria here. It's just that I was not expecting this at all.

"So, can we go to the beach?" she asks lightly.

"What? Now? But I just came back."

"Yes, now."

I shake my head. "Sorry, Ria. I just feel very tired now. You can head to the beach if you want. You can ask Basil to take you. I'll spend more time with you tomorrow, I promise. But right now, I just need a rest. I'm sorry," I answer apologetically.

And it's true. I feel very tired, just not physically tired. I am so emotionally drained from trying to keep my facade up. It's just so easy to put down my mask around Sam that it really took a lot of effort to keep it up, especially in those last few moments.

"Are you okay? You seem like you have a lot on your mind."

"Yeah. I have a lot of thinking to do."

"Is it a boy?"

"Uhh," I say, not knowing how to continue, blood rushing to my cheeks.

"It is," she replies teasingly. "And who is this lucky boy, might I ask?"

"No one. He's not important," I answer, averting my eyes to the ground.

"You like him," she accuses, smirking.

"It doesn't matter if I like him or not. He probably doesn't like me anyway. I mean, who could love someone like me? I'm just a nuisance, a burden."

"Nonsense, Lou," she tells me, holding my gently by my shoulders. "How many times do I have to tell you that? Yes, I always talk about physical appearances of other people, of grades, of talents. But that's not important. I know this sounds way overused but what matters is on the inside. You are sweet and kind, Lou. The question is, who wouldn't love you."

"I'm glad you think of me that way but, Ria, you and I both know I'm far from that," I say softly, pulling away from her and walking up the stairs, towards my room.

I breathe a huge sigh the moment I close my door, sinking to my knees, my back leaning against the wall just beside the door. I bury my face in the palms of my hands, massaging my temples, in an attempt to calm myself down.

I know Ria only meant well. And I feel so bad for walking out on her like that on her first day with me here in Westfields but I just can't do it. No matter how many times people tell me my so-called 'worth', I'll never believe them. Why should I? They're all lies. Just a bunch of lies, intricately woven in an attempt to make me feel better.

Meeting Sam, spending time with Sam, has really thrown me off my game. I've lost sight of what is necessary and only focused on how I feel around him. That's not right. I'm making a huge mistake.

Not that he's a bad guy. If anything, he seems like more than a great guy. So, I'm doing him a favour. As much as I wish otherwise, I'm not the girl for him. He shouldn't be wasting any more time than he already has on me.

Hot tears pool in my eyes and I let them fall, wetting my hands and my jeans, but who cares? No one does. No one.

I feel like all this about Sam, about me, about love- I've just been going on and on in a loop. I feel the same thing day after day after day. It's a vicious cycle that I can't stop, no matter how hard I try.

It's like everyone else but me sees this world in colour. But all I see is grey, black, white. There's nothing. It's empty.

Everything stems from this continually deepening emptiness in my heart. I don't even know how it feels like to be loved anymore. Yes, I'm a quiet and shy person so I understand if I don't have very many friends in school but even at home, I don't feel the joy and love most people do.

My home. It's not even a home anymore. It's just a house, a place I live in, a roof over my head. A home is supposed to be a safe refuge, a sweet haven, but mine is far from that.

Someone knocks on the door, giving me just a fraction of a second warning before it opens.

"Lou. Don't even bother trying to say you're okay. I've known you long enough to know when you're not. You don't have to pretend around me, Lou. I love you for you, not for anything else," Ria tells me softly, walking in and closing the door behind her.

She sits beside me, back pressed against the wall.

"Why did you even come here?"

"I told you," Ria replies, sounding mildly confused. "I want to spend some time with you."

"You have much better things to do back home than here. I'm not worth your time. I've only been a horrible friend to you, always pushing you away and shutting you out. I don't even know why you stuck around," I mutter, my voice breaking.

"Hey, don't think that. It's okay. I won't ask you what's wrong or what happened. I just need you to know I'm here for you."

I nod, wiping away the tears on my face with the back of my hand, turning to look at her. "Thank you," I say. "I love you, Ria. I don't say it enough, but I really do appreciate you being here."

"Anytime, Lou."

We sit in silence, neither of us bothering to say anything. Sometimes, being in each other's company is all that matters.

"So, do you want to head to the beach?" Ria asks lightly, breaking the silence.

I laugh, pushing her playfully. "You really want to go, don't you."

"Yes. That's the point of asking, Lou."

"Fine," I reply, chuckling.

"Yay. Let's go!" she exclaims, jumping to her feet.

She extends a hand towards me. I grab it and she helps me up.

That's the Ria I know. She can literally go from being deep and having heart to heart conversations to mocking and teasing you just like that. It's one of her qualities that I really admire.

"I need to change first," I tell her, gesturing towards my wet clothes.

"Oh, right. I forgot about that," she replies. "It's cool. I need to go and change to my bathing suit anyway."

"We're going swimming?"

She shrugs. "I don't know about you but I definitely am."

I roll my eyes dramatically at her and push her out of the room, laughing.

"I'm going. I'm going," she says, playing along, raising her hands in surrender.

I shut the door behind her and lean against it, running my fingers through my damp hair.

My view on Sam and my relationship, if there even is one in the first place, has not changed. I still stand firm on it, despite what anyone says. But Ria has definitely made me feel better. She knows exactly what to say and how to lighten my mood.

I'm glad she came, albeit her arrival was at a horrible timing.

It doesn't matter. Now, I'm going to shut out the negativity and go have some fun with my best friend. Or, at least, I'm going to shut it out the best I can. Push it away, bury it deep down.

She deserves to have some fun.

And I need that time to clear my mind.

I just hope we don't run into Sam. I'm not ready to see him again. Not today. Please, just not today.

*

"Are you sure you don't want to come in the water?" Ria calls out.

I shake my head. "You have fun. I'm fine here on the sand."

"Alright then. Your loss."

She dives underwater and start swimming to wherever.

It's been a while since I last saw Ria swim. I used to wait for her and watch her during her swim practices but lately, I haven't really been feeling up to it. I'd always make an excuse to miss it. I just didn't want to sit by the bleachers alone, watching everyone do what they're good at and have a good time.

I don't want to be reminded of what a failure I am, having no talents and all.

Stop it, Lou. You promised yourself not to let negativity get the best of you toady. You're here for Ria. Relax and try to have some fun.

I lie down, facing the blue sky. The hot sun beats down against my bare skin and I remove the sunglasses from my forehead and wear it, shielding my eyes from the blinding sun.

Why couldn't Ria wait until the evening to come down here? Of course we had to come here mid afternoon, when it's the hottest. Trust Ria to choose the worst time to go outside.

She's in the water so she doesn't feel the intense heat as much. Thank goodness I decided to wear a tank top and shorts and also bring some sunscreen. I wouldn't want to get a sunburn.

The only thing I forgot to bring is my iPod. Or a book. So I'm stuck here, waiting for her. Not that I'm complaining that much. To be honest, it's kind of relaxing just being out here, especially since the beach is empty.

Because no one but us will come to the beach at such a time.

I wonder how long we'll be here. Is Ria planning on staying until the sunset? I hope she is. My favourite thing to do in Westfields to date is watch the breathtaking sunset. Nothing beats that. Except, possibly, the sunrise. But I haven't woken up early enough to see it yet so I wouldn't know.

"Hey," Ria says, startling me ever so slightly.

I turn to look at her. "What are you doing here? I thought you wanted to go swimming."

She shrugs nonchalantly. "It's not as fun without someone to swim with."

I give her an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, Ria. I really don't feel up to it today. Maybe tomorrow."

Especially after that swim with Sam by the waterfall today. If I go swimming, I'll just think of him and it'll make me sad because of the inevitable, that he's just going to walk away and there's no way we can last.

"It's cool. We still have time here anyway. And the beach isn't going to run away."

"I'm sorry," I apologise again.

"You don't need to keep apologising," she says, chuckling.

"Sor-" I start, catching myself before I apologise to her again.

She gives me an 'I told you so' look, before bursting out into laughter.

"Okay, okay," I say, raising my hands in surrender. "Let's head back."

I get to my feet and head to the stairs, my arm around Ria's shoulder.

"So, do you have any plans for tomorrow?"

I shrug. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I just got here. I should be asking you that."

I chuckle. "In my defence, I kind of just got here too. I don't know much about this town."

"Well-" She pauses. "Who's that?"

My eyes follow her gaze and I freeze, my shoulders tensing instantaneously. Why does this keep happening to me?

"That, Ria, is the very person I wish to avoid. His name is Sam."

___

A/N: Yay! Ria is back in the picture. Are you excited? Haha. Anyway, do vote and comment and share if you enjoyed this chapter and are enjoying the story so far.

Also, I know I said that I was on hiatus but I'm feeling much better now and will probably come back soon hehe. In the mean time, do check out 29 Words!

If this chapter gets to 10 votes, I'll update earlier! If not, see ya'll on Wednesday! <3

Love, Angelyn