S a m

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head. You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath. And you think I'm crazy." - The Monster, Eminem ft Rihanna

What's this feeling

I have around you?

I want more

But I can't have it.

You're trying to help me

Escape these monsters

But you can't.

No one can.

*

Louisa stands up, looking as though she's ready to run out of here.

You mean run out of your life.

She's too good for you, Sam.

Stop trying.

"No, wait. Don't go," I blurt, desperation laced in my voice, grabbing her wrist. "We can just sit here and talk all day, or just sit in silence, or we could go somewhere else. Whatever you want."

Please don't leave, Lou. You make me feel as though life will get better, albeit you have this darkness in you that I'm only too familiar with.

"But I'll just make you feel horrible," she says, like she's stating a well known fact.

"Please, just stay. If you hate me that much, feel free to ignore me as much as you want after this but please, just today?" I beg her.

She probably hates me now. She probably thinks I'm some controlling guy who doesn't know when to let go and move on. I won't blame her for that. I've given her plenty of reasons to hate me in the past minute alone.

What are you talking about, Sam?

She probably hated you since the moment you met.

She sucks in a huge breath of air and sighs, coming back to sit beside me. She sits slightly further from me, as if she's trying to build a wall between us, like she doesn't dare to get close.

She shouldn't.

You'll just swallow her up and bring her down with you.

"So, do you want to go swimming?" she asks, her voice shaking only so slightly.

"Why not, right?" I reply, trying to sound light and carefree. "We are by a waterfall after all."

She gets up, taking off her shoes.

"Wait, what will you wear?"

What kind of question is that, Sam?

She shrugs. "I don't know. Just this, I guess. I didn't exactly bring a bathing suit."

I laugh, trying to ease the awkwardness and the tension in the air. "Right."

I remove my shoes as well and put it beside me, far away from the water, heading towards the edge of the pool, beside Lou.

"It's so cold," she comments, dipping her foot into the water.

"Shall we go in together?"

She nods, as though unsure of herself. I reach for her hand tentatively and am just about to pull back when she closes her hand around mine.

"On the count of three?"

She nods again, but this time, more enthusiastically.

"One," I say, looking at her.

"Two," she replies, smiling.

"Three."

We jump straight onto the pool, the cold water washing over our bodies. We break the surface of the water, gasping for water.

"Gosh, this is so cold!" Louisa exclaims.

"It is!" I reply, chuckling.

I splash some water at her and she tosses her head back, laughing, splashing some water at me as well.

"Do you go swimming very often?" I ask her.

She shakes her head. "I don't really get the chance. I'm very busy with, uhh, school." She pauses. "You could say that, I guess."

"Do you enjoy it though?"

"I don't know. I don't swim often enough to really have any opinion of it."

"Maybe I should take you swimming more often. Or just out in general. So that you can enjoy your time here in Westfields as much as possible," I say, testing the waters.

Oh, you're bold today, Sam.

Too bold.

At the rate you're going, you'll just make Lou turn away from you.

She chuckles nervously. "I don't know, Sam. I'm sure you have better things to do than bringing me out and about your hometown."

"And that's where you're wrong, Lou. There's nothing I'd rather do."

My heart skips a beat as I say those words, holding my breath. I hope Lou doesn't think I'm too demanding or crazy or anything. I just- I don't know. I don't even know what I'm feeling or how I feel or- I've never felt this confused in my life.

That's not true, Sam.

We all know you've felt this way before.

Don't make the same mistake again.

I won't.

I hope.

*

"Do you like fish and chips?" Lou asks, the moment we sit down at the booth at the back of the diner, both of our clothes completely soaked.

Lou has on the jacket that I brought along and I have a towel hanging over my shoulders. I really hope we don't make it too wet in here.

I shrug nonchalantly. "I'm okay with it. I prefer calamari though. Calamari and tartar sauce is just absolutely amazing."

"How can you prefer calamari over the amazing fish and chips? Disgrace," Lou says, laughing.

I roll my eyes. "Whatever you say, Lou."

"Hello. I'm Teresa, your waiter for today. What would you like to order?"

I hadn't realised she was here.

You were preoccupied with Lou.

Don't get ahead of yourself with her.

I open my mouth to answer but Lou beats me to it. "Two fish and chips with extra tartar sauce. And two cans of Coke."

"Right away, Miss," Teresa replies, jotting down our order. "Anything else?"

Lou shakes her head. "That's it. Thank you."

Teresa nods in reply before walking away.

"Lou, I never said I wanted to eat fish and chips. What if I didn't want to eat at all?"

She shrugs. "Too late for that, isn't it. It's already ordered."

"I could technically still cancel," I reply teasingly. "But I won't. Only for you."

Do you really mean that?

I've missed this feeling of being myself around someone else. I don't know. I know I feel something when I'm around Louisa but I don't quite know what it is. Perhaps I'm just nervous around her. She is a very pretty and amazing person after all. I could never live up to her.

I should really stop leading her on before it's too late.

There's the rational Sam we love.

But, I think the real question is am I leading myself on? Am I leading myself to believe that I have feelings for Lou when it's really not there? Maybe I'm only feeling this way because I've finally found someone who understands me, after so long.

Do you really want to make the same mistake with Lou as what you did with Lily?

You don't deserve her, Sam.

I wonder if she feels the same way.

Don't flatter yourself.

I know we haven't done much today but I felt like we really made a connection.

A connection that should not have been formed in the first place.

But I think the real question right now is am I actually in love with her or am I just in love with the idea of being in love again?

I think the answer is more than obvious, Sam.

I'm just so utterly confused by everything. I feel like she brings out the best in me. I feel like I have to be the best version of myself around her because she deserves all that and so much more. I haven't felt the need to improve myself for such a long time.

I'm just so, so confused.

Is it normal to feel this way?

You shouldn't even need to ponder over all this.

You know what you should do, Sam.

Cut.

It.

Off.

I know we'll have to go our separate ways eventually but that hasn't stopped anyone before, right? When it's right, you just know it. When it's right, the two of you will do everything in your power to make it work.

Maybe we could be one of those.

But we all know you'll fall.

Your relationship will crumble before it even begins.

We could work.

But I don't even know if our feelings are mutual. She's been really nice to me the whole time we've known each other but for all I know, she could be this nice to everyone around her. I'm not any different.

Do you need to be reminded that you two have just met?

It is impossible for anyone to fall for you that fast, Sam.

You're just a nobody.

"Sam? You're drifting off. Is everything alright?" Lou asks, snapping me out of my daze.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just thinking."

"About what?"

"Things." I pause.

Should I say it?

You shouldn't.

"Us," I say, my eyes wandering to the tabletop, not daring to meet her eye.

"U-Us?" she stutters, uncertain, a hint of worry and regret in her voice.

"Nothing," I reply, shaking my head. "That doesn't mean anything. Forget it."

"O-Okay."

An awkward silence settles between us, neither of us knowing how to continue the conversation. Thankfully, the waiter arrives just on time.

"Here are your drinks," she says, placing the a can of Coke and a glass of ice in front of both of us. "And your meal." She puts the plates of fish and chips on the table. "Enjoy."

I pick up my fork and knife and cut the whole fish into smaller pieces before placing my knife back on the table. I skewer one small piece of fish and dipping it in tartar sauce before bringing it to my mouth.

"How is it?" I ask, my mouth full of fish.

"It's good," she replies curtly.

Her talkative mood has definitely gone away.

Your doing, Sam.

Don't blame the poor girl.

"So, uhh, what are you going to do after this?"

She shrugs. "Head home, I guess. I have some things to do."

"What kinds of things?"

"Homework."

"But I thought it's the summer break. Do teachers even give homework over the long holidays?"

She shrugs again, her shoulders tense. "Evidently so."

"Oh, okay," I answer. "What subject?"

"English and History."

"Oh. Essays? Or readings?"

"Readings."

"Oh, cool."

I can see that her walls are back up, stronger than ever, if anything. I felt like I could see Lou, the real Lou, just a couple minutes ago and then me and my big mouth just had to blurt out what I was thinking.

When will I stop doing that?

I'm just going to repel Lou.

As if you haven't already done that.

Am I doing the right thing? To bring her out? To spend time with her? Do I really want to be that emotionally invested in a girl who's just going to go away eventually?

See, that's the reason I've closed myself off to most people. Everyone, no matter who they are, are going to leave you one day. And, at the end of the day, which 'friend' is going to want to help you out of your troubles?

They all have better things to do, family to look after. Why would they want to look after little old Sam?

Family.

That's all the people that will ever matter.

Are you trying to say that you consider Lily your family?

She does matter, doesn't she?

She matters most.

Everyone else are just passers by.

Even Lou.

I should stop this game of charades with myself. More doing, less talking, less thinking. I should only do what is practical and rational, what is well thought of, not what I feel or what I want.

That would only lead to failures and heartbreaks and hurt.

Great job realising that all on your own, Sam.

You surely took your time.

"Do you want to get the bill or shall I?" Lou asks.

"I'll get it," I answer, getting up and heading to the counter.

The cashier sees me coming and smiles when I reach. "That'll be seventeen dollars and twenty cents, Sir."

I nod, passing her a twenty dollar note. "Keep the change."

"Thank you, Sir. Have a great day."

"Likewise."

I head back to the booth and Lou takes her bag, standing up.

"How much is it?" she asks, reaching into her bag.

I hold out a hand. "It's fine, Lou. You don't have to pay. My treat."

"Thank you."

"Shall we go?"

"Sure."

We exit the restaurant quietly. I steal a glance at Louisa as we walk. She seems so sad, almost as if she is full of lost hope and regrets. I had thought she would be angry or upset with me. I never expected her to seem so sorrowful, so hurt, so heartbroken.

You're getting ahead of yourself, Sam.

Why would she possibly be heartbroken?

"Where do you live? I can take you back," I offer in an attempt to break the silence and tenseness between us.

She shakes her head. "It's okay, Sam. I can go back on my own. You don't have to take me back. I wouldn't want to trouble you any more than I already have."

"Nonsense. You don't trouble me at all."

Great choice of words, Sam.

"I mean," I start. "It's not any trouble to me to see you home. Wait, that didn't come out right. I mean-"

"I get what you're trying to say, Sam," she replies, laughing.

But the laugh doesn't reach her eyes.

"You do?"

"Yeah. But you don't need to walk me back. I'll be fine on my own."

"Okay then."

"I'll see you around, I guess."

"Yeah, maybe."

She takes both my hands in hers and blood rushes to my cheeks. "I had a great time today, Sam. Thank you."

I chuckle, trying to sound casual. "It's always a pleasure."

She nods. "Thank you," she whispers, before letting go of my hands and walking away, her shoulders hunched.

"Have a great day, Lou," I call after her.

But she doesn't turn back or reply. Maybe she didn't hear me.

I watch as she disappears around the bend, heading back to her home, where she belongs.

Not with me.

Not at all.

___

A/N: Why do you think Lou suddenly turned cold and distant? Have any of you experienced something like that before? Either from Sam or Lou's side? Like, someone mentions something and reality comes crashing down and you realise exactly what's going on. Get what I mean? Haha.

Also, if you guys could vote or comment so I know who is reading Voices. I'd love getting to know each and every one of you. You guys are the reason I still write everyday and I really appreciate you supporting me. Thank you so much!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter c: