L o u i s a

"But I see how this story ends. Where I won't stay. And where you won't forget." - Watercolors, Will Jay

Where is this going?

Where are we going?

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter at all.

Our ending is the same.

Regardless of which path we take.

You'll leave.

And I'll be left all alone

In the dark.

Again.

*

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to go out with Sam today. I'm starting to regret saying 'yes'. I clearly was not thinking straight. What will we do? I just want to hide in my room, where I'll be safe from judgement.

Where I'll be safe from myself.

But I can't call to cancel on him now. I don't even have his number. Maybe I could tell him I don't feel very well when he calls, if he calls. For all I know, he could have been dared to invite me out today. Maybe he finally saw how unworthy I am and decided to stand me up.

I wouldn't blame him if he did.

I take a huge breath of air and close my eyes, pulling the covers tighter around my body.

I'll think about what to do when the time comes.

But I don't want to be that person who stands their friend up last minute. Friend? Are Sam and I friends?

This whole thing confuses me to no end and I don't know what to do. I wish I could be one of those people who can just brush these kinds of issues off. I've always wondered how it'd feel like to be an extrovert, to constantly yearn for company instead of solitude.

Is life more fulfilling that way?

I'd never know.

The sound of the ringing of my phone fills the air and I feel my heart skip a beat. Is it Sam?

I fumble around my bed for my phone and, without even glancing at the screen, I pick up the call.

"Hello?" I say, uncertain.

"Lou? It's me, Sam. I'm just wondering when you'd like me to get you. Or what time you'd like to meet."

He actually called. I was almost certain he'd stand me up.

"Uhh," I start. "In fifteen minutes?"

"Sure. Would you like me to stop by your house or should we just meet at some neutral place?"

"How 'bout the beach?" I ask.

It seems appropriate. The beach seems like our place.

"Sure. I'll see you then."

"Yeah. Bye."

"Bye."

He hangs up the call.

I put my phone on the bedside table and lie back down, closing my eyes, collecting my thoughts. My mind is racing and I don't even know what I'm thinking and feeling right now. Am I happy? Am I nervous? Am I upset?

I can't quite tell.

I get up, stripping off clothes and putting on a white T-shirt and black skinny jeans. I grab my comb and head towards the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, I untangle my hair and make myself presentable, washing my face with cold water to wake me up, before taking my sling bag off the foot of my bed and walking out of my room.

"Aunt Annabelle, I'm going out now," I say when I reach downstairs.

"Alright, sweetie. Take care," she replies from the lounge area.

I open the door and exit the house, careful to close the door quietly behind me, taking off to the beach. I stuff my hands into my pockets as I walk, making sure to look down the whole way.

I wonder what Sam has in store for today. I hope it's not something that involves being around a crowd of people. I don't know how long I can keep up with this facade if I continue being around too many people. I can already feel myself slipping up, slowly but steadily.

I mustn't do that. For my sake and for the sake of those around me.

I hope I made the right choice by going on this outing with him.

I reach the edge of the beach, leaning on the railing and staring out into the endless ocean. I could get use to this breathtaking sight. I'd never get tired of it. I don't know exactly what it is, but there's just something about the endlessness of the ocean, from the way it looks from here. Like, it seems like it just goes on forever but you know it's going to end at some point, there's going to be land.

Maybe that's what our lives are like to.

And the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. The sound of the birds chirping and the blowing wind. It just gives me this sense of serenity I'd never be able to find anywhere else. If only there was a quiet beach back home. Maybe then, I'd be able to keep my sanity in tact. Maybe then, I wouldn't crash and burn.

"Lou?"

I turn towards him.

"Hi."

"You look great," he says quietly, almost like he is shy.

I give him a small smile, blushing. "I'm just wearing a shirt and jeans."

He shrugs. "I think you'd look great in anything."

"T-Thanks," I stutter, feeling embarrassed.

"Shall we?"

I nod.

He reaches forward, as though he is going to take my hand, before thinking better of it and heads towards the east side of town. He walks ahead of me, seemingly deep in thought. I don't try to make small talk with him. I wouldn't want to disturb him.

If he's anything like me, he wouldn't want to be bothered when he's thinking.

But then again, I doubt he's anything like me.

He's happy, why wouldn't he be? He has a home, friends, a great family. He has no reason to be upset with his life. Which is exactly why I can't understand why he bothers to hang out with someone like me.

He walks straight past the edge of town and into the woods.Where is he bringing me? He's not out here to kill me, right?

Relax, Lou. I don't think he'll want to murder you. You have been reading too many books.

"Where are we going?" I ask, feeling slightly jittery.

I don't like not being in control. It makes me feel more vulnerable than I already feel. I like to know what's going on, what I am getting myself into. I know it's not much and, more often than not, I can't change the situation regardless of what I know, but it gives me this sense of control over my life, no matter how little it is.

"You'll see. I don't want to spoil the surprise."

I hate surprises.

But not for the reasons you'd think.

Most people only say that they hate surprises, but they're the people who are cared for by people, who, when surprised, are given great surprises, like a party or a gift. Me? The only surprises I get are ones involving my abusive step father, unjust mother and manipulative sister. Needless to say, they aren't the best.

Sam stops, and I nearly bump into him.

"What is it? Are we lost?" I ask, panicked.

He chuckles. "No, I know exactly where we are."

I breathe a sigh of relief. "That's good then."

He turns around to face me. "Lou, I need you to close your eyes."

"Why?"

"Just do it. I promise I won't let you fall or bump into anything."

"Uhh, I guess," I reply, unconvinced.

I place the palm of my right hand over my eyes. Sam wraps his arm around my waist and, true to his word, he guides me carefully forward.

"If you love nature as much as I do, I promise you, Lou, you'll love this place."

"I'm sure I will," I answer lightly.

"Ok, open your eyes."

That felt like just three steps. It's probably just me though.

I remove my hand from my eyes and take in the sight in front of me.

There's this huge waterfall just towering in front of us, the Caribbean blue water cascading from the top of the hill and crashing onto the rocks below. The plunge pool is so calm and the waters look so refreshing. It's an ironic sight, really. The chaotic and rushing waterfall pouring into the calm pool. The air is so fresh and it's just so serene.

"Wow," I breathe, unable to find better words to describe it.

Sam smiles. "I knew you'd like it." He pauses. "This is definitely my favourite place in Westfields. Surprisingly, not many people know about it. That's what makes it perfect. I used to come here a lot. My-"

He stops abruptly, as if he's already said too much.

"It's okay if you don't want to tell me. I understand if you aren't ready to share it with someone you've only just met. We've all got our secrets."

There are so many things I'm not ready to share with anyone else either, not even people I've known for years.

He nods. "Thank you."

He sits down on the banks, the grass wet with water droplets, glistening in the sun. I sit beside him and stretch my legs forward, the soles of my feet just barely touching the water.

"We could go swimming," he comments. "I brought a towel."

"I didn't."

"I brought an extra for you," he says, chuckling. "I realised I forgot to ask you to bring one."

"Thanks."

"So shall we?"

I shrug. "I kinda want to enjoy the moment first," I tell him, turning to look at him.

He smiles. "Sure."

I thought the beach was peaceful, but this is, by far, infinitely more. The sound of the water plunging down, the faint sound of birds chirping and frogs croaking. It's just the sound of nature and the cooling air during a hot summer. It really does wonders on your mind.

"Do you like it?" he asks me.

"Are you kidding me?" I exclaim. "This is absolutely perfect!"

He laughs at my outburst. "I agree." He pauses. "So, you love nature?"

I nod. "Absolutely. It's the one place I can get away from all the problems of the world."

"Yeah. It's like the whole world just disappears and it's jus you and this amazing sight."

"I couldn't have said it better myself."

"We should go hiking some time. I know a great trail just north of the town."

"I don't know."

I don't even know if I'll be here for that long. For all I know, Mum could call me today and force me to return tomorrow, to play maid for her precious little Lowella. But I guess that's a problem for when it comes. For now, I'm here, with someone who, I think, actually understands how I'm feeling.

It's not that he downright said that he experiences anxiety or depression either but it's the way he acts, the way he holds himself, the way he answers questions. I don't know, there's just something, something I've never quite noticed until now.

He's very careful in his choice of words. The way he walks, with his shoulders constantly tensed, it's like he's reminding himself to keep his guard up, that he should always be wary of others.

But I could be wrong.

I thought he was this perfectly happy small town boy but I guess everyone has their secrets, their darkest parts buried deep inside, never to see daylight.

"How do you find it here in town?" Sam asks, staring into the trees.

"It's quiet. But that's what I like about this town. You don't have to keep on the lookout for people on all corners. And no one really knows me here so that's a bonus."

"Starting over?"

I shake my head. "I wish. No. I'm only here for the summer, unfortunately."

If he's surprised, he doesn't say so.

"I wish I could do that. I wish I had the courage to just up and leave this town. It's- It's confining me, making me feel trapped. I mean, I'm old enough to just go out on my own but- I don't know. I'm scared, I guess."

I place a hand on his arm, gazing at him. "Hey, don't worry. Everyone's afraid of something. It's going to be okay."

I'm the one to talk. The one person who is afraid of most things. Afraid of changing just to make my life a little better. I can't even do that. Who am I to tell Sam that 'it's going to be okay' when I don't believe it myself?

"Will it?" he asks back, staring me straight in the eye with a dead look, like someone who has given up hope.

I scoff, feeling overwhelmed, as if I'm going to cry. "You're right. It won't. Nothing will. Everyone, everywhere, everything. They'll all go about doing things for themselves, selfish things, and we're left standing in the dark, where only emptiness and pain exists. I mean-" I pause, realising where I'm taking this conversation. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it - I didn't mean to say that."

His expression turns blank, almost sad. "It's okay. I completely understand where you're coming from. There's just so many things in this world that I wish I could change but i can't. I am literally unable to right the wrongs, to correct my mistakes."

A tear rolls down my cheek and I don't bother to wipe it away. "Yeah. I feel so out of control, so helpless. And I just watch everything fall apart in front of my eyes and I can't do anything about it."

It feels so good to let it all out, all these things that I have been bottling up for years, reluctant to tell even Ria. I don't even know why I'm telling him all this. It just feels right, like finally, someone understands.

I close my eyes, letting more tears flow. "I just wish I could change that."

"Don't we all."

"Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I closed off myself from feeling. Maybe I'd be more contented. Maybe, then, I wouldn't feel as terrible as I do now."

"Hey, don't cry," he says, wiping away my tears with his thumb. "I get how you're feeling. I feel that too. And as much as I want the hurt and pain to go away, I always believe that shutting yourself out like that is not the answer. That's what makes us human. And, yes, I know that a lot of people in this world are cold and harsh but that's what makes people who actually still have a conscience and empathy so special, no matter how hard it is."

"It's easier said than done," I mutter, turning away from him, not wanting him to see my inglorious crying face.

"Don't worry, okay? And I won't say that it gets better because, well, someone has probably said that to you and it probably did not work but I will say that no matter what happens, above all things, you're worth it. Who cares what other people say," he tells me.

"Thank you. But I think it was a bad idea to bring me out here. I'm just ruining your day," I say, standing up, ready to run away.

"No, wait. Don't go," he says, grabbing my wrist. "We can just sit here and talk all day, or just sit in silence, or we could go somewhere else. Whatever you want."

"But I'll just make you feel horrible."

And what's the point of staying anyway? Even if something happens between us, I'm going to have to leave eventually. We won't last. If anything, we'll just be another summer fling, as much as I wish it were otherwise. I'm just being practical here.

"Please, just stay. If you hate me that much, feel free to ignore me as much as you want after this but please, just today?"

I cave in, reluctant to disagree. He seems so broken, like he just needs the company, and sit back down beside him.

But who am I to give him that? I'm just a huge black hole, everything I touch turns bleak and grey. He doesn't deserve that. If anything, today will do just that. It'll prove to him that I'm the one who's broken. I'm the one who's needy and can barely stand up for myself. I'm the one he should ignore, not the other way around.

He doesn't need me.

No one does.

___

A/N: I'll bet most of you are like 'finally the story is progressing' haha. I'm sorry if it seems rather slow but I want to highlight that the reason I'm writing this story is because it's something a lot of us has experienced or are experiencing in this present time, where we are scared and afraid of ourselves that we let opportunities slip us by. And we lose the chance to experience something beautiful. Just thought I'd say that c:

Do vote, comment and share this story if you enjoyed it! <3

Also, do check out Watercolors by Will Jay, who was a contestant in the Voice China if you're wondering. It's an excellent song and I'm completely in love with it.