S a m

"I'm dying tonight. But no one is crying. It's not alright no matter what they say." - Makeshift Love, Good Charlotte

What's lost but can't be found?

Gone with the wind.

Carried into the clouds.

Or drowned in an ocean of fear.

*

"Sam! Get ready! We're leaving in 15 minutes."

"Okay, Mum!"

I stretch my arms, yawning, kicking the covers off my body and getting off my bed. I strip out of my muscle tee and sweatpants and change into my jeans and white shirt hanging from the door of my wardrobe before grabbing my backpack and phone off my desk and heading downstairs.

"Sam, comb your hair, for goodness sake!" Mum exclaims as I enter the kitchen. "And maybe wash your face while you're at it. You look like you just woke up from sleep."

I chuckle. "That's because I did, Mum."

"You and your afternoon naps," she replies lightly. "And you wonder why you can't sleep at night."

"Well, you know," I reply, stifling my laughter, making a beeline for the bathroom.

I open the door and walk in, opening the tap and letting the cold water run over my hand before combing them through my hair, flattening the strands of hair that are sticking out. I glance at the mirror, making sure I look presentable enough, splashing water onto my face, effectively waking me up and walk out of the bathroom.

"Sam, why didn't you wipe your face? It's so wet!" Mum comments as I reenter the kitchen. "Oh, Sam. When are you going to learn?

She grabs some tissue paper from the box on the kitchen towel and head towards me, dabbing the droplets of water on my face to dry it.

That's the problem, Mum. When am I ever going to learn? When will I ever learn from my mistakes?

Never.

I'm stuck in a loop, playing my mistakes on repeat, constantly reliving the very moment I've been trying so hard to forget. I hardly know where I stand right now. Every time I feel like I'm about to move on, everything just comes crashing back down on me.

But, I guess, forgive and forget, right? Move on. It's easy to forgive others who have wronged you, no matter how badly. It's harder when it's you you have to forgive. Or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.

Too hard? What a great joke, Sam.

If anything, you are too soft on yourself. Way too soft.

Too soft, Sam.

"Mummy! Mummy! Can we go? Can we go?" Sander asks, pulling at the hem of my mother's shirt excitedly, a huge, mischievous grin on his face.

"Soon, Sandy. I've just got a couple of things to do first," Mum replies, storing a container of tomatoes into the fridge. "Why don't you wait with your sister in the living room?"

"But I want to go now!"

"Sandy," I say, laughing, bending down and pulling him into a hug. "You want to go now?"

He nods. "Yes, please."

"Be patient, young one," I say, tickling him.

He bursts out laughing, both of us falling to the floor. "Stop, Sam, stop," he breathes out between fits of laughter.

I stop tickling him, ruffling his hair, a smile on my lips. "Only because I love you, Sandy. Now, will you stop asking Mummy when we're leaving? I promise we're going to the fun fair very soon."

"Okay, Sammy!" he replies chirpily before running back into the lounge area.

I follow my brother, taking a seat on the armchair to the right of the coffee table in the centre of the room.

He's so innocent, so ignorant. I wonder how it feels like to live without a care in the world, always smiling, always laughing, always happy. To live without fear of being caught or making a mistake that will haunt you for the rest of your life. To actually live.

And Stacey. She thinks she knows everything — as do all teens her age — but she really doesn't. She doesn't know half of it. I'll admit, I went through the exact phase myself when I was her age. That's the only reason I know.

They're so small, so fragile, so young. I don't want my baby brother and sister to grow up and face the world. A cold, condescending, harsh reality. They don't deserve that.

No one does.

You do.

You deserve it for every single mistake you have made.

"Guys! We're ready to go!" Dad calls out.

"Finally," Stacey says, getting up from the sofa and heading towards the garage.

"Yeah, finally!" Sander repeats.

He walks towards me and pulls on my arms, leading me to the garage.

"This way," he says bubbly.

I chuckle. "I know the way to the garage, you know, Sandy. I've lived here just about as long as you have."

"So?"

He's so adorable. It's so hard to believe that he's already 9 this year. I remember when Mum and Dad first brought him home from the hospital. Before I know it, he's going to be in that — hopefully not — emo, angsty teenager phase everyone goes through.

I wonder if I'm weird, being so protective over my siblings. Are all older siblings like this? Or is it just me?

You just don't want them to repeat the same mistake you've made, isn't that right, Sam?

Just admit it.

I get into the backseat of our car after Sandy and Stace do. Mum and Dad get into the car, with Mum in the passenger's and Dad in the driver's seat. Sandy sits on the edge of the seat and sticks his head between the two seats.

"Seatbelt fastened?" Dad asks just as the sound of the clicking of the seatbelt in it's buckle rings throughout the car.

Sandy says, so excitedly that he's practically jumping off the seat. "Let's go!"

*

"Do you want a bite?" Sandy asks, holding out his pink cotton candy.

I shake my head. "No thanks, Sandy. I'm good," I reply, showing him my popcorn.

Sandy and I are walking by the game booths. Stace, Mum and Dad are queueing by the Ferris wheel. Stace really wants to ride it but Sandy is afraid of heights so I decided to sit out and look after Sandy instead. I don't think I'll be missing out on much. I'm not very fond of heights either.

Also, it's nice to spend some quality time with my brother, albeit it'll most likely consist of him talking about how today is the 'best day ever' for him.

I remember the times when Lily, Jasmine and I used to babysit my brother and sister while our parents went out for dinner. Instead of the three of us bullying the two younger kids, it'll always be the other way round. Maybe we're just pushovers. But it was still fun.

All those nerf wars and games of hide and seek, watching stupid cartoons together and fighting over who got to play the Wii. I miss those days. I'd do anything to get them back.

You should have thought about that first.

Before you made that terrible, terrible mistake.

"Sandy, what do you want to do?" I ask.

He shrugs. "I don't know."

"Well, do you want to take—"

"Wait! I know!" he exclaims, cutting me off. "I want to play the bean bag toss game!"

"Okay. Do you have the tokens Dad bought you?"

He nods, reaching into his pocket, presumably to show them to me.

"It's okay, Sandy," I tell him. "You don't have to show it to me. Just make sure you have them."

My eyes scan my surroundings, searching for the booth, finally spotting it at the end of the row. I grab Sander's hand and guide him to the game booth.

"How many games do you want, Sandy?" I ask when we reach.

"Three!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yup!"

"Alrighty then," the booth attendant replies, smiling. "That'll be six tokens."

Sandy removes a handful of tokens from his right pocket and places it on the countertop, counting six tokens and passing them to the attendant.

"Thank you," she tells Sandy playfully, passing him three basketfuls of colourful bean bags.

Sandy stands on his tip toe and takes a purple bean bag, throwing it at the pyramid of 6 tin cans about three feet away. It misses, and the bean bag falls to the table.

"I will hit it!" he says, determined to win.

I watch as he tries to hit the can again. This time, he manages to hit the topmost can and it topples to the floor.

"Yay!"

"Great job, Sandy," I tell him, grinning.

I leave him to it, turning around to look at the Ferris wheel, standing in the centre of the field in all its glory, lighting up the dark sky.

I still remember the last time I sat on that very wheel, just over 3 years ago.

*

"You have to get on, man," Tony said, slapping my back. "I mean, it's the perfect opportunity for you and Lily—"

I punched him in the shoulder playfully, grinning. "Shut up, dude."

"Go on. You have to ride it. You can't let Lily ride the Ferris wheel alone, now, can you?" he replied, batting his eyelashes dramatically.

"She'll have you and Jasmine and Fran."

Fran — short for Francesca — also known as Tony's girlfriend, decided to tag along today since she was in town. She'd normally be out of town during the weekends to visit her dad a few towns over but since the fair was in town — and it was her and Tony's anniversary — she stayed.

I'm surprised they'd let Lily, Jasmine and I crash on their date. Or maybe this really wasn't the date. Maybe they'd already went on their date in the afternoon or it's after this.

I feel myself being pushed towards the front of the line, to where Lily and her sister were standing. The bags were taken from my hands and before I knew it, the attendant was opening the carriage for Lily and I to enter. He closed the door and I watched as Jasmine, Tony and Fran grew smaller and smaller as we went higher and higher.

"It's so beautiful up here, isn't it?" Lily said, pressing the palms of her hands and forehead on the glass window behind her.

"No, it's not. It's terrifying," I replied, inching closer towards her.

She rolled her eyes. "It's anything but. It's so peaceful up here, like nothing can reach us and it's just us and the sky. I feel like the possibilities are endless up here, don't you?After all, the sky is the limit, isn't it?"

I shook my head. "Nope. It's terrifying."

She laughed and continued to gaze up into the sky. I put my arms around her waist and pulled her closer to me. She leaned on my chest and I rested my head on hers.

The carriage stopped at the worst possible moment, when we were at the highest part of the Ferris wheel. I felt my heart beating faster and faster, telling myself not to look down.

"Look up," she whispered.

I followed her gaze and found myself staring at the full moon.

I wondered how many moments we would spend under the stars. Being under the starry sky like this, it's our thing. Most people would rather spend the night curled up in bed or watching a movie but I'd love nothing else than to be in the open — sort of — under the moon and stars and sky and clouds with her.

I don't think I'd be able to share the night sky with anyone else.

I wonder if she felt the same.

The carriage jerked forward, continuing on its path downwards. Instinctively, I grabbed Lily's hand, my sweaty, clammy hand on her smooth skin. Realising that I've done, I removed my hand and placed it on my lap.

"Sorry," I muttered, stealing a glance at her.

She shook her head. "It's no problem," she replied, placing her hand over mine. "It's okay, you know, to hold hands. Yes, it's cheesy and it's what all couples do but it's okay. I guess, we're one of them now."

I gathered the courage to gaze into her eyes, so full of smiles and laughter and love. A smile tugged on my lips.

"I know," I told her. "It's just that my hands are so sweaty."

She laughed. "Is that what you're really worried about? I won't break up with you because of your sweaty hands. I know you're nervous."

I chuckled. "This is why I offered to look after the bags instead."

She shrugged, closing her hands on mine. "I'm here. You don't have to be scared anymore."

I smiled at her. "Yeah. I don't have to be scared. So long as I'm with you."

"And I promise you, Sam, I always will be."

*

Lily. I wish you could be here with us. You would've loved playing all these games and looking after Sandy with me. After all, you've always been so fond of kids. I'm so sorry you can't be here.

It's your fault after all.

"Sandy, are you ready—" I start, looking at where Sandy is standing.

Except, he's not.

"Wait. Sandy. Sandy! Where are you?" I exclaim, frantically searching for my brother.

I can't possibly have lost him. I swear, he was just standing in front of me just a second ago.

You were daydreaming again, Sam.

All lost in your thoughts.

I run towards the start of the row of booths, towards Ferris wheel, hoping and praying he has somehow found his way towards Mum and Dad.

"Sandy! Sandy!" I call out as I run.

I had one job. And I failed.

As usual.

I can't lose Sandy. I just can't. He's so young. What if someone kidnapped him or he was lured by a stranger? What if he gets murdered? It'll all be my fault. It'll all be due to my negligence.

It's always your fault.

Is that even new anymore?

My heartbeat accelerates and, feeling the palms of my hands become sweaty, I wipe them on my jeans. I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach, my breath becomes shallow from panic.

Was this how Jasmine felt when Lily left?

"Please, Sandy! Answer me!" I shout, my eyes darting all around, searching through the sea of people.

Sandy, please be alright.

I run my fingers through my hair nervously, continuing to head towards the Ferris wheel and soon, I can see the line of people just queueing to go up.

"Mum! Dad! Stace! Are you there?"

I see someone waving their arm up high and I am barely able to make out Stace's yellow sundress. I sprint towards them, beads of perspiration dotting my forehead.

"Mum, Dad, I'm sorry—"

"Sammy! It took you so long!" Sandy exclaims, coming towards me.

"Sandy," I mutter. "I thought I'd lost you!"

I bend down, holding out my arms, and Sandy walks right into them. I wrap my arms around Sandy, hugging him tightly.

"Don't ever do that again," I tell him.

"I told you I was going to find Mum and Dad. I wanted to show them this!" he says, holding out a small stuffed puppy. "I won it from the game."

I chuckle. "Great job, Sandy," I reply, ruffling his hair before standing back up.

"Sam, what do you mean by you thought you lost him?" Mum asks.

"Uhh... I lost sight of him. One minute he was there and the next, he wasn't," I say, averting my eyes to the ground. "Sorry, Mum. It won't happen again."

"It'd better not," she replies sternly. "It'll be one costly mistake if you do."

As if you've never made those before.

I nod. "Yes, Mum. I promise."

She sighs tiredly. "Anyway, let's go and find something to do here, shall we?"

"Can we go to the haunted house?" Stace asks excitedly.

Dad laughs. "Sure."

"Yay!"

We set off towards the left corner of the fair grounds, towards the tent where the haunted house is.

I'm so glad Sandy wasn't lost. I'd never have forgiven myself if I did.

What about Lily?

Have you forgotten about her?

I was careless. It can't ever happen again. I don't know why but I feel like the defences I've built since Lily left is falling. It's getting weaker and I can feel myself caving in more frequently. I wonder why.

Oh, sure you do.

I wonder if Lou is here today. Is she somewhere here? Is she with that boy? I wonder why she's so close to him. He seems like just another opportunist.

You're just jealous.

I have no reason to be jealous or to dislike him. I mean, I hardly know either of them. I wish I could change that though. I feel something when I'm around Louisa. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think I feel hope when I'm around her.

Almost like there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Like I can move on.

But you don't deserve to.

I bump into someone and the both of us topple to the floor.

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking—" I start, but stop myself the moment I glance at her.

"Sam?"

[A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Hopefully it gives you a better idea of how Sam used to spend his time, before he became what he is now. I hope it gives you an insight of how much Sam loves his family as well. Also, who do you think that girl is? Hint: She's mentioned in this chapter. Please vote and comment if you enjoyed this chapter!]