🚫 trigger warning, again.🚫

╔.★. .═══════════════╗
❝ тнιѕ ιѕ тнє єη∂
σƒ тнє яσα∂ ❞
╚═══════════════. .★.╝

°˖✧*.☽ .*✧˖°
❝ ηєνєя ωαηтє∂ αηутнιηg αѕ мυ¢н αѕ уσυ ❞

Strawberry.

Chan would always ask me,

'You bully everyone yourself but not that mute kid. Why do you make me do it every time?'

Don't get him wrong, Chan used to be just as much of a bully as I was. It was our way of taking out our anger. Beat every weak kid in high school. But there was one kid I avoided. It was you, Felix.

'Strawberry is different. I hate him. I want to destroy him.'

My mind was unclear, I had spoken too many lies to realise I was lying at that time. I couldn't tell lies apart from truth. I was too fucked in the head, Lix.

I was feared at high school. Mostly because rumours circulated that I lived with the ghosts of my family. So fucking childish. Imagine living with the ghost of my father. I wouldn't hesitate to kill him for the second time.

There were days when Chan wouldn't show up to school. On those days, I beat everyone who got close to you. You were terrified.

I cornered you one day. It was in the washroom. That day, you were crying when I found you. I wanted to ask you what happened, who hurt you. Chan wasn't around, I didn't make anyone bully you, so who dared to make those bruises on your pretty skin, Lix? WHO WAS I SUPPOSED TO KILL?

I found out later on.

Taeil's dead body was found in the pool.

In the washroom that day, I saw the choker on your neck. It was the first time I noticed you wore such accessory. I didn't know why you wore it. I ripped it off.

I WISH I HADN'T.

°˖✧*.☽ .*✧˖°
❝ ηєνєя ¢яσѕѕє∂ му мιη∂ тнαт ι ¢συℓ∂ єνєя ℓσѕє ❞

I skipped an entire week of school.

An entire week. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I threw up every now and then. There was nothing to throw up, but I threw up. Every fucking time the sight crossed my mind, the jagged, uneven scar across your neck, the way it was snaked around the once smooth, milky skin. My insides churned, my heart crushed.

When I fall asleep, I would wake up screaming, in a cold sweat, tears pouring down my cheeks, heart caught up in my throat, threatening to beat out of my body. IT HURT, LIX. I never understood why. Maybe it was because I knew,

I WAS THE REASON FOR THE SCAR ON YOUR NECK. 

°˖✧*.☽ .*✧˖°
❝ ι кησω ι gσттα ℓєт gσ ωιтн ησ яєgяєтѕ, ❞

The final year was over.

By the time high school ended, you had not a single friend. Everyone feared nearing you. BECAUSE I SWORE TO KILL THEM IF THEY GOT TOO CLOSE.

Bang Chan left the city. I enrolled in college. Since you were still in high school, I would always drop by. I had the other bullies keep an eye on you. I would kidnap you away after school and keep you cornered. Just you and I, for some time. I wouldn't beat you up but I used to, just, watch you watch me in fear. I had to always look at you to stay sane.

But then again, was I ever really sane? Never.

At college, I had made a new friend. Lee Know. Minho. Only I knew his real name at the time. He was rude, the type to look down on people. He was cold, no one knew him. A lot of students already feared him. We made the perfect match.

We would beat kids up until they were on their knees, gasping for air, begging to be let go. Minho was ruthless when it came to bullying. He showed no mercy. He was crazy, but I knew I WAS CRAZIER. He would never kill. I knew I wouldn't hesitate.

Bullying was our way of feeling better. Minho soon considered me a friend.

Although he knew nothing.

He would always tell me about himself. About his oh so lovely online boyfriend, his fucked up family life, the story of when he was forced to witness a rape, to that one time his uncle harassed him. His life was a mess. He was a mess. And I almost felt sorry.

But he knew NOTHING.

°˖✧*.☽ .*✧˖°
❝ уσυ'яє αℓяєα∂у gσηє ❞

A new year began. This time, it seemed as if fate chose me.

You stood there on orientation day, eyes wide open and filling with tears and terror, right before me. Your hair was dyed honey blond, fluffy and silken. I was your senior. You came right into my cobweb, Lix. AND I WASN'T GOING TO LET YOU GO THIS TIME.

And so it began, all over again. This time, Minho bullied you. I never knew how I couldn't lay a hand on you. But I still did it, through others. You would be punished for getting too close to people. At this point, you were like my little puppet. You never fought back. You always complied. Always listened.

But you never spoke. You never spoke in high school either. You never spoke ever since that day. 

HAD YOU LOST YOUR VOICE BECAUSE OF ME, LIX?

By the middle of the year, everyone knew to stay away from the 'mute kid'. They knew they would be destroyed. They knew he was off limits. No one would dare approach you. You must have felt like a nobody, Lix, but amongst a thousands of people, YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE I COULD SEE. YOU WERE ALL THAT MATTERED.

But then he came along.

HAN JISUNG.

The carefree transfer student. I knew his name. I knew it was Minho's boyfriend. Being the guy he is, to never care about gossip, Minho had not a clue his little Jisung was here. And it didn't bother me either.

UNTIL HE APPROACHED YOU.

I was FURIOUS. I made you get beaten up for it. But he would NEVER stop. Like a fucking prick, he would always find you. You know, Lix? I watched you one day. But at that time, the way you sat comfortably by his side didn't bother me.

It was the way Han Jisung looked at you.

Somewhere along the lines of my freshman year, I had come to care for him. Minho. Although he knew nothing of me, I knew him. And I knew he was head over heels for his boyfriend. The very same boy that looked at you with love in his eyes, Felix. HAN JISUNG WAS GOING TO BREAK MINHO without realising it. And I felt obliged to stop it.

SO I MADE MINHO BREAK HIM FIRST.

I didn't know at the time that

THAT'S WHAT MADE ME LOSE YOU FOREVER.

°˖✧*.☽ .*✧˖°
❝ αƒяαι∂ тσ ℓєт уσυ gσ, вυт ιη му нєαят ι кησω ❞

'It's about time you let Felix go'

No

NO

NO

Chan's words were still engraved in my mind. It repeated in circles, loud and ear-splitting, it made me scream. It made me scratch the walls with my nails. I didn't take the pills they gave me. I didn't listen to the therapist. I didn't eat the food they presented. All I could think about was how things could've been. And if I could go back and do everything differently, I wouldn't waste a breath. I wouldn't hesitate. I would change everything, Lix. I remember the colours you gave my life. They were so, so beautiful, Lix, as beautiful as the little boy I met that sunny Friday. 

I've lost everything, and my everything was you.
Within you, I found myself, and by losing you, I LOST MYSELF.

Forgive me for being so cruel

Forgive me for breaking our promise

Forgive me for causing the scar on your neck

Forgive me for causing you unbearable pain

Forgive me for ripping you of your happiness

Forgive me for bullying you

Forgive me for never thanking  you, for the smiles and feelings, and memories that I could never replace

Forgive me for betraying you

Forgive me for not telling you enough,
that you mean so much to me, that you were my world

Forgive me for not reassuring you,
that your voice was beautiful

Forgive me for each and every bruise I caused

Forgive me for being so selfish

Forgive me for being so possesive

Forgive me for all the lies I told you

Forgive me for destroying you

Forgive me for walking in to your life,
for bumping into you that day, and dropping your ice cream

Forgive me for leaving you behind

Forgive me, Lix

Binnie really is sorry, Lix.

I wish I could hug you one last time,

BUT I CAN'T.

You were my treasure, and I was your only one. You deserve to know everything I've kept hidden from you. I'm sorry if it hurts. I promise, you'll be okay, you'll be okay even after you read this. I hope these letters are given to you, and by that time, I wouldn't be here. The blade will be drawn, and I will be gone.

Stay happy with Han Jisung, you deserve each other.

Lee Felix,
You are still my treasure.

❝ gσт тσ мσνє ση, ι тнιηк ιт'ѕ тιмє ❞
°˖✧*.☽ .*✧˖°

○

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[ news: patient X42 — full name; seo changbin — was found dead. cause of death; suicide. ]

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○

⇒ 9th District Apartment Complex L. 0325

"Sung..?"

Jisung hummed, threading his fingers through Felix's satin hair. He gently pressed his lips onto the boy's head, inhaling the scent of their shared shampoo mingled with Felix's own fragrance.

"Lix wants something.."

Jisung waited for the boy in his arms to continue.

"Can we go visit.. Changbin someday..?"

Silence. The blond shifted, now straddling Jisung as they searched each other's eyes.

A warm smile, so full of adoration, formed on Jisung's lips. He adjusted the white collar of Felix's shirt; an oversized long-sleeve that originally belonged to Jisung. "If you're prepared to, of course we can." He cupped Felix's face, placing a delicate kiss onto the boy's nose. "We can make your favourite mousse cake for him, if you want."

Felix grinned, delighted at the words. He nuzzled his face into his boyfriend's neck.

'It's never too late', they say

"I hope I'm not too late.." murmured Felix in a hushed voice, drowsiness reaching his eyes.

BUT SOMETIMES, IT ALREADY IS.

『 voice | special
only one | end 』

the story has come to an end.
thank you for reading.
maya loves you babes <3
that was painful to write....
i may have shed a tear or two--