"Taekwoon ah~ I need to talk to you for a second. May I come in?"

N knocked the door and before I could reply he came into my room.

Cha Hakyeon, or N, is the leader of the group VIXX that I am in. He is the one that kept pestering me since day 1 but is also a friend who never gives up on trying to make me feel involved. He is the one whom I fell for.

N walks over towards my bed and sits cross-legged in front of me. His eyes staring at me as I fall even deeper into his mesmorising brown eyes. Damn the effect he has on me.

But love would never blossom. No, love should not blossom between us because we were idols who were under the rule of no dating and our popularity would go down if people found out about a guyxguy relationship.

I quickly snapped out of his gaze and returned to my book but N took the book and placed it on the bed before holding my hand while scratching his neck as if hesistant to speak.

"Taekwoon ah. You and I have been very close for 3 years and we both know each other very well. You supported, encouraged and helped me whenever I needed help. Everytime you sing, my heart starts to beat very fast and when you smile, it always skips a beat. Your gestures and shy character intrigues and makes me fall deeper in love with you. I love you. Would you be my boyfriend?"

I was shocked and euphoric. I wanted to say yes and kiss him. He looked so cute scratching his neck and blushing so hard that it could be seen despite his lovely tanned complexion.

I considered the possibility of us being together but thinking about the possible consequences and our career. Especially since being a Singer was N's dream and with the possibility of the band being separated, I did not want to risk it.

"Hakyeonie... I am sorry." I whispered, closing my eyes not wanting to see N's reaction. I couldn't believe how I lied to the one I loved. The one I wanted.

There was silence and tension in the room. I did not even think about how our relationship would be after rejecting him. It won't be the same anymore right?

I reluctantly open my eyes to see N still sitting in front of me and with tears in his eyes that threatened to spill. I stared into his eyes as I knew he was upset. He only spoke after a pause from our interaction.

"It's okay. Yeongwonhi Chingu?" Holding out his pinkie.

Uncertain whether he was alright and regreting my decision, I kept on fighting with myself from telling him that I love him. Almost immediately, I took his pinkie and he smiled before leaving the room.

The image of N's vulnerable state and his eyes that were glossy from tears kept replaying in my mind. I looked at the mirror in front of me and asked myself if N would be happy from this decision. That was when I composed my very first song.

This is a beautiful lie
My last lie
Even if it hurts to death
I am hiding myself under a mask for you

I see myself in the mirror and I ask myself
Will it really make you happy if I let you go?
I'll throw myself away completely because you need quiet time to yourself
Did I say those things without even meaning it?
As I replay your face when you screamed go away
I'm tainting our memories that were beautiful
I haven't imagined a life without you yet but please be happy
So that at least my lie can shine

I'm letting go of your tightly held hands
But my heart is still the same
But I'll let you go

I'm letting go of your hands
But my heart is still the same
I think it's best for you if I end it right here

This is a beautiful lie
My last lie
Even if it hurts to death
I am hiding myself under a mask for you

It's alright if you leave me
I want you to be happy
Oh I'm
I'm a beautiful
I'm a beautiful liar

You keep shedding tears in front of me
It was an unexpected line that led to the next chapter
You told me to take back the words I spit out
As you hold onto my face
Then you collapsed off your feet
This isn't the future I thought of
It seemed like a sin to look at you like a lonely tied up dog
So I'm swallowing up my feelings and letting you go
You must live better than me, promise me
But the moment I said that, you turned around

I won't hang onto you, I will smile
This is me, don't hesitate anymore
Leave me

It's time for me to give you
The last bits of my heart
The fact that we loved is beautiful

It's time for me to give you
The last bits of my heart
The fact that we loved is beautiful

Me with iron shackles on my legs
Is more like me than ever before
(You turned around, ran to me
Told me not to say stupid lies
As you smiled in front of me)

It's a beautiful pain
Letting you go
I have to kill myself inside
Swallow my tears
And put on a smiling mask

I feel so relieved now
Please don't worry about me
Oh I'm
I'm a beautiful
No, a cowardly liar

Maybe I lied because I did not want to face those consequences. Maybe I thought I was not strong enough to go through the consequences. Maybe the lie I said was only right and beautiful because of me wanting to believe that it was for his good. Why was I so afraid? But one thing is for sure.

I am a beautiful cowardly liar who told a beautiful lie to the one I loved.