"I...uh...well...y..yeah? I mean, between training a..and missions...I just...never got around to it..?"

The poor thing was trying his best to sound calm about my personal question, sweating an entire river as I sat across from him.
"No, I get it. Don't need to explain." He waa right. There hadn't been much time to do anything normal teenagers would do.

"A..anyway...yeah...before I die, those are some of the things I wanna accomplish..." He coughed loudly, attempting to clear his throat. I hated hearing that come out of his mouth. I knew he'd die someday, it was how life worked, but I refused to allow that to be before he was old and grey. Still, it was possible I wouldn't be able to make that a reality.

If this mission goes south...then...I'd regret things too...

Shifting closer to him, I decided to train my eyes upon the unclasped button beneath his shirt collar.
"You said you weren't drunk, right..?" I asked, really trying to think my next move through.
"M..maybe just on tipsy...I only threw up because I got kicked in the gut...Why?" Jean replied, somewhat hesitantly.

Closer again, I reached to place my hand on his knee, toying with the fabric of his pants so I wouldn't have to look at him yet.
"Then...why not let me take it off your hands..?" Was I really trying to do this? Had I not already learned my lesson back in the abandoned cottage?

Jean's entire body flinched as he registered my proposition, and his hands flew up in front of him in confused defence.
"Wh..what are we talking about here..?! Do..you mean my-"
"Yeah, Jean-Boy. I'm saying I'll have sex with you tonight."

My cheeks were burning, and I didn't dare look him in the eye, even after such a long, uncomfortable silence. I could hear his tongue moving around inside his mouth, searching for some kind of response.
"Is...this one of your jokes..? I mean, I get I'm desperate, but...that'd be cruel, even for you..."

I'm scared...

Losing Jean, if our expedition failed, would destroy me. Losing anyone I cared about would, but I knew that he and the other graduates of the 104th were more likely to be outmatched if the piloted titans appeared. If I myself died, what regrets would I have? It was like an iron fist, clamping down around my heart. A feeling of impending dread.

"I'm not joking. You like me, right? I mean, unless there was someone else you had in mind, which I'd understand." When Jean placed his hand over mine, I could feel the thrum of his pulse, and it told me just how nervous he was.

"Nobody else. I...just...you said I'd have to wait, and now...Like, it's a lot..." I finally looked up at him, seeing the glow of his rosy cheeks in the dimly lit room. He was confused, and I couldn't blame him. What I was proposing wasn't exactly fair, after all.
"I know, and I still have no idea about that stuff...but I don't want you out there, wishing you'd done at least something you wanted to do before..."

We're gonna lose so many people...

"Well, I don't want you wishing you hadn't done this..." He lifted my hand from his knee and held it, staring at our skintones intertwined. "I want your love...not your pity..." Without pulling my hand away, I sat up on my knees, my other hand grabbing hold of his collar.
"I don't pity you, okay! Just because I'm a confused wreck doesn't mean I don't know that I really like you like that!"

Was I shaking? It sure felt like I was. It certainly wasn't the alcohol hijacking my tongue, either. I wanted to be intimate with Jean, whether we were meant to be together or not. I couldn't regret loving anyone anymore, and I wasn't going to run with my tail between my legs.

Jean and Levi, I cared for them both in a deeply passionate way, but they were both different. Similar, in the physical attraction, but different in the reasons. Eld had been like that, too.
"What about...the other guy..? When he looks at you...it's like I'm looking in a mirror...I can see the same thing I feel..."

Wait...He knows..?

"Competing with him...Man, I know I don't stand much of a chance..." Muttering a curse under my breath, I yanked Jean forward and sealed our lips, if anything to shut him up. He jolted against me, and I didn't let go until his shoulders slumped and relaxed.

I was almost in his lap now, and our hands were still locked together.
"Why the hell do you think there's competition? I know both of you well enough already...It's my stupid indecision that's the problem...idiot..." Kissing him again, I didn't move much, handing him the reins.

Pinpointing the exact moment he threw away his reservations, I could feel his hand slip from mine, arms curling around my waist to pull me in close. He tasted like mint and ale, which wasn't exactly pleasant at first, but it started to grow on me after the first few moments.

He broke away when I was just starting to melt into it, gulping audibly as our lips brushed together.
"You s..sure that you're okay with this, (Y/N)..? I know you're scared about Shiganshina, but-" Jean yelped loudly as I knocked him back into the mattress, crawling to straddle his hips, now having the advantage of height.

"Do I look scared to you, Kirstein?" I snapped, glaring down at his frazzled form. He stared up at me for a while, pupils flickering slightly until he softened.
"Terrified..." I faltered, unable to deny it. I was terrified. Not about having sex, or being close to him, of course, but he could see straight through me, which only made my need for comfort heighten.

"S..so, this is your bucket list...How do you want this to play out?" Switching the attention back to him, I waited patiently, fingertips tracing the curved openings of his shirt between his buttons.
"O..oh, well...uh...th..this isn't just about me...I want you to, uh, lead the way..? I have no idea what I'm su..pposed to do here..."

Jean truly was the embodiment of fluster, and it was the most adorable sight. Humming, I used the heels of my hands to push his shirt up, bunching it at his chest so I could take a good look at his torso. Lean, fit, and oh-so inviting.

Okay, so...what did Eld always used to say..?

I didn't like thinking of him in such a situation, but he and Petra were the only two people who had ever told, or shown, me anything.
"F..foreplay, then...It's important..." At least that was what I had learned. "Like, fingers and tongues and stuff, y'know..?"

Fuck, I sound as awkward as he looks...

His hands hovering over my hips, Jean swallowed thickly, eyes darting between where I sat and my face.
"I...heard some of the Garrison guys talking about stuff back in Trost...and it sounded like something I'd kinda wanna try..." The copperet finally made contact with his hands, ever so slightly coaxing my lower half forward. "It, uh, you're supposed to sit on my face..?"

It took me a moment to fully comprehend what he was getting at, and once it hit me, I very nearly squeaked out loud.
"Uh, okay, I can do that, I guess..?" I had to climb off of him first, standing beside the single bed and taking a deep breath. It was easy enough to get my pants off without all of my strappy gear, and instead of hesitating, I chose to just hurriedly pull my underwear off so I wouldn't have a nervous pause.

Jean was watching me with wide eyes, propped up on his elbows, unable to stop himself being obvious. Off came my shirt, but I left my brassiere on, throwing my gaze to the floor, towards my discarded clothing.
"S..sorry..! You're just...you're beautiful. I can't help it..."

I don't see it...

Dragging my eyes back up to where he was laying, I approached, both uncomfortable and excited as I placed my knees either side of his neck so I could still see him.
"Well, this was your idea...l..lead the way..." I could feel the heat of his face against my skin already, and I made a strange, startled noise as he shifted down a little to be completely under me. His silence was unnerving, paired with the fact that he wasn't doing anything. "Wh..what? Whatever it is, it's supposed to look like that, so quit staring..!"

I involuntarily shuddered as his hands crept up the outsides of my thighs, fingers curling around the inward curve at the top of my hips to my waist.
"Well, s..sorry! I've never seen one before! Gotta know what I'm working with here!" He huffed loudly, pausing again before I finally felt that first, timid tap of the tip of his tongue.

I gasped a little, following his gentle pull until I was only mere millimetres from his mouth. He followed with a long, purposeful stroke of his tongue, which caused me to make a grab for his hands. I wasn't at all sure what to do with mine, so it seemed like the safest bet for the time being.

It wasn't until his third or fourth lap that he actually hit my clit, and when he did, I uttered a small whimper, which tipped him off. He was a smart man, so even though he was new to the sexual world, he understood immediately.
"So...here, huh..?" He licked the small bud again, and I nodded eagerly, despite him not being able to see my face.

Reaching down, I was brave enough to curl my fingers into his messed mop of copper, moving my hips a little to match his motions, but quickly reefed his head away when a sharp pain shot up from the area, yelping loudly.
"W..watch your damn teeth..!" I snapped, a mix of agitated and turned on by the glistening scowl he returned from below.
"You're the one wh..who rolled into 'em..!"

He chose to not continue the minor argument, yanking me back over his face and kicking it up a notch. During the brief pause, he had stored up an arsenal of saliva, which helped his tongue to slip and dip with absolute ease. The sounds he began to coax from me were embarrassing, to say the least, and I tugged at his hair again, though this time towards the space between my legs.

"J..Jean..." My whisper of his name only spurred him on, and he was a man on a mission. When my hips grew a mind of their own, he was mindful of his teeth, slipping his tongue between my lower lips and entering me with ease. I was panting now, and I unintentionally clawed at his scalp and hand.

This is awkward...but...he feels so good...

Panting now, I felt the heat rising from my core, the warning of release getting closer with each passing second. I even proceeded to moan instead of yelp as he sat up, causing me to fall backwards and into his lap, bent as he continued with the oral assault.

I could see his eyes now, and they were determined. Not quite cocky, but getting there. In the center of my back, I could feel his erection digging into my skin, and it only made me come undone more. It was all over for me when he latched onto my swollen clit, the room turning white in my eyes as I shuddered, clawing at the sheets to my sides as I came against his mouth.

I laid there, dizzy and breathless, and Jean finally pulled back, allowing my lower half to slip down his front, pulling several of his shirt buttons open on the way to his lap.
"You...okay..?" His genuine, confused concern was almost endearing, and I nodded weakly, skin tingling where he placed his hands.

"Mmhmm...yeah...just...yeah..." I puffed, scooting towards the end of the bed and curling my finger. "Okay...come here. We aren't d..done yet..." Jean obliged, but he didn't try to jump straight back in. Instead, he looked down at me with gentle concern.
"We...don't have to...You look spent already...and I have no idea how to...well, you know..."

You said that about what you just did, too...

I reached up and pulled his face down to meet mine, using what little energy I had restored to make the kiss count. Parting, I met his eyes, fresh honey that seemed to drip over me and warm my soul.
"Training's worse. Besides...this is your night..."

This time, Jean kissed me, and it was the most gentle, heartfelt experience I had had since before the titan forest. One of his arms curled around beneath my neck, and he used his free hand to wrestle with his belt buckle, cussing under his breath until he finally got it undone. When he released his erection, I felt it tap against my inner thigh, not having to look down between us to realise it was bigger than my only other experience.

"So...I just...put it in, or..?" He was back to being clueless, and it made my chest squeeze. I wanted to make the experience a good one, because it was all for him. Well, at least that was what I kept telling myself.
"Yeah...you'll figure it out once you do that. If not, then I'll take over..."

Am I really ready to get back in the saddle? Am I even over..? No...I can't stay in the past...

Quivering with excited nerves, Jean took a long while to position himself at my entrance, and I didn't make it easy on him, peppering kisses to his lips, chin and neck. The intrusion of his head forced a hiss from my throat, and I instantly clung to him, one hand low on his back to guide his speed.

His arms, braced either side of me, were stiff and shaking, veins risen and sectioning his skin. His eyes never left mine the entire entry, widening with each inch, until he finally reached as far as he could go, lip being drawn between his teeth.
"H..holy shit..."

The feeling was almost overwhelming. Both emotionally and physically. I had missed this kind of closeness, but at the same time it was bittersweet. What if this was the last time I would feel anything besides pain? What if this was the last choice I would ever make for myself? Was it the right one?

When Jean started to move, I began to focus on him again. Pulling out halfway, he slowly pushed back into me again, grunting under his breath. He was being as gentle as could be, and whilst it did feel good, I could tell he was holding back for my own sake.
"You know I'm not gonna break...right?"

A little startled by my rhetorical question, Jean only managed a jolty nod before speeding up, having a little trouble trying to find a pace. It was sweet, watching him attempt to find his metaphorical legs, and I sighed, gasping a little as I again reached to guide him by the lower back.

Surprisingly, he accepted my assistance without any defiance, craning his neck down to steal my lips as I settled him into a steady rock. I wasn't at all nervous anymore. Things were comfortable with him.
"I..it feels like I'm gonna rip you..." He murmured, smearing his lips from mine and down into the crook of my neck.

"You won't..." I replied, voice raising in pitch ever so slightly. I was still sensitive from his oral adventure, and every so often, his size caused me to whimper, causing me to consider the fact that maybe he would. I liked the feeling, and I threw myself into it, beginning to lift my hips to meet his in the middle.

Jean was becoming pretty vocal himself, the heat of his breath against my shoulder spreading down to reach the heat that rose from where we were connected. His pelvis ground against my clit, and my nails clawed into his skin, head turning and nudging at his for more affections. Immediately, he obliged, lips quivering and hungry.

"Sh..shit...you're so beautiful..." He whispered, panting and peppering my face with kisses. "I was killed by that kick to the gu..guts, wasn't I..? This is heaven..." I didn't at all like the topic of death, and I reached to grab a fistful of his copper hair, my other dragging him closer by the thigh.
"Shut up and fuck me."

Make me feel something other than fear...Please...

Lifting himself back up, Jean began to buck into me with little rhythm, the sheet bunching beneath my back. His name dripped from my tongue between sharp curses and prayers, and I felt that familar surge within my core again. I likely would have unravelled, if I hadn't been thrusted to the end of the bed, and very nearly off onto the floor.

Jean caught me quickly, sitting up with me still on his cock, startled by the almost accident.
"Sorry..! Y..you good..?" Face to face with him now, I stared deep into his eyes. No longer did they remind me of a certain someone's. Not exactly. They belonged to him. They were different.

Slowly, I began to giggle, but it quickly turned into an actual laugh, my head falling forward slightly so our foreheads and noses touched. Jean was confused for a moment, maybe even a little offended, but eventually he joined me, curling his arms tight around my middle.

Yeah. This is how I want to feel. All the time.

"You got a little carried away there, huh..?" I chuckled, nuzzling into him, though I trailed into a shrill moan when he decided to buck up into me, our new position giving him one hell of a reach.
"My bad...I really like it when you laugh..." He bucked again, this time his fingertips crawling around my ribs, as if on a mission of their own. "It tells me that you're happy..."

There were no turns between his cock or fingers, and I was soon a breathless hybrid of whines and laughter, the former becoming the victor once he became too preoccupied to continue tickling me. This was normal. This was comfortable. Something I had always wanted.

He was close, I could feel it. He was throbbing inside of me, and some of the noises he made were almost funny, in a strange, sexy way.
"Not in..s..side...Jean...I want it...but not i..inside..." I warned him, hoping that my sentence was able to be heard properly between my squeaks and gasps.

I hoped that he had nodded, because it was hard to tell when we were bouncing and rocking the way we were. Moaning my name, his tongue and teeth grazed my throat on their way up, but before he could reach my lips, he hoisted me up and off of his member.

The man's entire body shuddered, rocking backwards, delicious curses slipping off his tongue as I felt the sticky strands of heat hit my back, almost up to my nape. I held him as he rode through it, and after a few moments of aggressive panting, he squeezed me tighter, falling all the way back into the bed.

"(Y/N)...I think...that I might be in lo-" Purposefully, I silenced him with a kiss, my fast paced heartbeat giving his a run for its money.
"So, was it like you expected?" I had to change the subject. If I didn't, a mistake could have been made. Either that, or the best decision of my life. I wasn't ready to chance it.

"Uh...better. Definitely better..." He murmured, a little taken aback by my obvious dodge, though he still cuddled into me. His hands ran up along my back, undisturbed by the trail of thick release, until he reached my head. "Oh shit...I got it in your hair..."

Shrugging it off, I laid there as he began to clean me off to the best of his ability, unsure about what to do next. Part of me wanted to stay, but I also wanted to leave. If I did choose to remain cuddled up in Jean's bed, I'd just grow more attached. Obviously the sex hadn't helped with that at all, but I didn't regret it. If I left, then my fears would come crawling back with a vengence, nothing to distract me from them.

What the hell do I do..?

"Are you, uh, staying here tonight..?" Jean broke me out of my thoughts, still red in the face. "I know you said that this wasn't you accepting how I feel...but I really would like to hold you..." Even though it kind of came across as a slight guilt trip, I knew it wasn't how he meant it. Jean's affections for me were one hundred percent genuine. That was what made it difficult.

"Yeah, I'm staying. Pull the blanket up." I rolled off of him, head landing on his upper arm as he used his legs to drag the blanket up to where he could grab it, covering us with its warmth. Rolling to cuddle me into his chest, Jean kissed my forehead softly, which made my heart ache.

"Thanks...for...y'know...letting me..." He wasn't sure how to phrase it, and I snorted, nuzzling up under his chin and closing my eyes.
"I didn't let you. I wanted to feel something, so..." Was that harsh? I wasn't sure, but I did know that I was hyper aware of his fingertips tracing light patterns against my skin.
"And...did you..?"

"Yeah...I felt...something..."

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***Oops that was long.

Dear Levi-lusters...Do not fret.

Anyway, I'm not feeling great. Health issues, and all that unsnazzy jazz. I also spent an ungodly amount of time hunting for Eld merch, but nothing is in stock :'(

These author notes are becoming like a diary, my bad.

Pssst I live for comments

Next Time: Stuck Together***