"YOU'RE WHAT?!"

My hands double slapped over both Sasha and Connie's mouths as we all sat on a single bunk, my eyes darting left and right despite us being alone in the latter's room.

"Shhhhhut it! I don't know how to tell, exactly, but I'm pretty sure. Hange literally had to hold my hair back this morning when I was in their office..." Once I was positive they were going to keep their voices down, I sat back on my heels, waiting for their hopefully calmer reactions.

"Who put it in you?! Do I know them?!" This time, Connie was the one to do the gagging as Sasha yelled, but his sights stayed on me.
"Pipsqueak or Horse Face?" The second the two options left his lips, Sasha's eyes widened in realisation, but thankfully her mouth was still very much covered.

"That...is a very good question that I would really love to answer...if I could..." I shrank down under their incredulous expressions, awaiting my much deserved scolding.
"Sash, I can't in good conscience do it, so if you would be so kind?" The man motioned towards me, and without skipping a beat, Sasha smacked me over the head. I whined in complaint, but that was all. It was the least I deserved.

"So, what are you gonna do about it? Oh, no, wait, does this mean you're not gonna have any left-overs to share with me?!" Now that her mind had turned to food, I knew she was a lost cause, so I directed my response towards Connie.
"I have to tell them, but going about it? What, do I just sit them down and say oh, funny story, I'm having a baby and it's daddy roulette?"

Raking a hand down his face, Connie's disappointment in me was apparent, which did nothing to quell my panic.
"Just...be honest, and explain how you did with us. Separately. Without the whole...roulette thing. Preferably. Please don't say that to either of them."

Noted.

"Jean's got Odette right now, so I guess I can talk to him once we drop her home..." I murmured, deciding he was the easiest to talk to, so I could get through it without psyching myself up until I hit a mental breakdown.

Since signing the papers with me, Jean stepped up to actually take on a fatherly role. I hadn't expected him to, and had made that known, but there was no stopping him. Even his mother had claimed her as a granddaughter. Having a larger, if not unconventional family unit for her was a godsend, but it would make things difficult if the child I was carrying wasn't his.

"You can do this! We've got your back! But, like, from a distance, because it's going to be awkward!" Sasha cheered as I climbed off the bed, groaning to myself.
"Thanks, guys. Wish me luck..."

It couldn't have come at a worse time. Marley could attack at any given moment, and I was a Captain. I had duties, expectations, and this would make things a thousand times harder. It was my own doing, though. Sex came with this risk, I wasn't stupid. I just never thought about it until it was too late.

When I reached the stables, where Jean had said he would be, I was informed that he had been called to meet with Pyxis regarding security measures, and that my daughter had been taken to the Scout Regiment headquarters. By who? They had no idea, which left me feeling even more nervous than I had already.

What if it was Felicitas?

No, Jean wouldn't ever let that happen. But what if? Those thoughts continued in a whirlwind until I had entered through those doors and gotten near the end of the first corridor before I heard their voices.

"Hey, come here. You're getting big."

"I know!"

"Stop growing!"

"I can't stop!"

"You have to!"

"But I eat super lots and I just grow!"

Cracking the door open, I found Levi holding Odette, tickling her and spinning around the room. I was speechless. Not once had I seen Levi act in such a way, with a child, or anyone, for that matter. It truly was a sight to behold.

This just might've made things harder...

"Mama!" Both Levi and I flinched in unison when the little girl called out to me, lifting to prop herself up on the man's shoulder. The ravonet looked beyond mortified that I had caught them, and I had to compose myself to bring about a smile of greeting.

"Hey, pipsqueak. Having fun?" I met Levi's eyes and he cleared his throat, setting Odette down and giving her head a stiff, awkward pat.
"Yeah, I gots to have fun with Levi! He said I gotta stop growing but I can't cuz you and Granny keep feeding me so I get upwards fat!"

Don't you dare get emotional now. It's just hormones. Calm yourself.

"He's right, though. You're getting crazy tall. You might even grow taller than him?" I made a point to smirk at Levi when I spoke, and he rolled his eyes, tongue clicking at my overused joke.
"That'll be easy though."

For a few moments, my nerves completely washed away with the obnoxious laughter that erupted from my chest, and Levi muttered a few grievances under his breath before nudging Odette towards me.
"You're both as bad as each other. Here's your brat. Kirstein said he should be finishing up quickly and plans on taking you home."

I need to talk to Levi, too...

Welcoming the little girl as she crashed into my legs for a hug, I tried to hide the fact I was chewing on the inside of my cheek.
"I actually wanted to talk to you about something important. Would you be free at any point tomorrow?" I watched as Levi turned towards the desk, glancing to me from over his shoulder.
"I'm free now. What is it?"

I probably shook my head a little too quickly, stabilising myself with a hand atop my daughter's head.
"Not now. Tomorrow. If possible..." That earned me an eyebrow raise fuelled by suspicion. He was quick to catch on that it was personal.
"I'll make time for it. Just come and find me when you want to talk..."

Well, I don't want to, but I have to...

"Okay, I-"
"Hey, Levi, do you know where we keep the-Oh, hey, it's my favourite little friend!" Hange burst in and nearly gave me a heart attack, making a bee-line to snatch Odette up. "Do either of you know where we keep the old armoury schematics?"

Whilst I just stood there, hand to my chest to stop my heart from bursting out of my front, Levi seemed unphased.
"Bottom most drawer on the left of the cabinet. You should know that." He scolded them.
"I definitely should have! Thank you! And you, missy-moo, are coming with me so the grown ups can chit chat! Have I ever told you about Sonny and Bean? They were-"

And off they went, with my child, leaving the two of us alone.
"Still not now?" Levi broke the silence, and I cursed under my breath. Usually I didn't mind when the people I loved and trusted carted Odette off like that, but now I wasn't too thrilled.

"Sit." I motioned to the chair at the desk, but Levi didn't make any move.
"You're the one who looks like she's about to simultaneously shit, puke and pass out. You sit." He just stared at me until I did as he told me to, folding his arms in waiting. "What's the matter? Is this about that whorey little cow you share blood with?"

I wish it was about her...

"No, it's, uh, something else..." I murmured, fidgeting with my fingers, only stopping when his hand covered mine to put an end to it. He had always hated my nervous fidgets, and this was no exception.
"Just say it. I think I know what you're going to say anywa-"

"I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant." I spat it out like it was a bug in my mouth, and Levi froze. I felt his entire body freeze from where his hand covered mine, his eyes widening.
"I...did not know what you were going to say..." He whispered, the sudden dryness of his tongue apparent by the way his voice cracked. "How...sure are you..?"

He wasn't angry, that was a plus. It still didn't put a stop to how awkward this conversation was, though.
"Almost certain. I've been throwing up every day, and Verena had to help me take out the waistband of my pants last week because I couldn't fit them anymore..." Those were just a few examples, but I was sure he was aware this wasn't something I would mention without necessity.

Levi's silence became even harder to bear when he withdrew his hand and paced to the opposite side of the room, eyes cast down to the floor.
"Does Jean know..?" He asked quietly, and I hummed my disconfirmation with a shake of my head. "It's either mine or his...Huh..."

I'm an idiot. I should have paid closer attention to Petra way back when...then maybe I wouldn't have been so naive...

My fidgeting resumed, but I remained seated, knowing that I'd probably just crumple from my nerves if I stood up. The room was quiet, and I hated it. I hated having to dump this on him.
"I..I'm sorry, this is my fault, I should have been more careful."

Levi's head whipped around so fast I felt my own neck twinge, and his glare was sharp.
"None of us were careful. Don't go being an idiot thinking you're to blame." Whilst he was right, I couldn't help but continue to beat myself up about it. It was my body after all, and I hadn't even considered something like this happening.

"I...just wanted to tell you. Obviously we won't know f..for sure until they're born, but...I needed you to know, Levi..." My arms curled around my stomach a bit, mind dizzying at the thought of something, someone, growing inside in those very moments.

Slowly, almost cautiously, Levi approached me again, eyes honed in to the very area I had covered.
"You and Jean have a good life set up for yourselves, with Odette. I would make...a horrible father...It isn't something I'm built for...I'd make sure you and the children are well taken care of, no question, but..." He trailed off, unable to meet my eyes.

Hearing him say such a thing hurt, bang smack in the chest, but there were minor truths to some of his words. That seemed to hurt even more.
"D..Did you not see yourself with her..? I'm not trying to push anything on you, I swear, but to say you'd make a horrible father..? Levi, I know what makes a horrible father, and you're not it..."

Levi attempted to blow some of his tension out with a long sigh, but it seemed to be in vain, his body still rigid as he took a knee before me.
"You know how I feel about you, and I care for Odette, but there's a big difference between seeing a child on occasion and being a present parent to one. What I do, who I am...It's hard enough to stay alive for you, to open myself up. I know what being raised by a piece of shit is like too, and I'm not much better...I don't know if I can do it, (Y/N)..."

Holding back tears in my state was one of the toughest battles I had faced yet, but I managed, looking down at his conflicted expression before me. I longed to tell him how idiotic he sounded to me, but at the same time, I could completely understand where he was coming from. To a degree.

"S..So...say this baby is yours...What would happen if you're the man I want to be with..? What if, right now, I told you that I've finally g..gotten my head out of my ass and want to d..dedicate myself to you wholly..? Would you say no..?" Just hearing myself say something like that disgusted me to the core. I sounded like a cheap, stuck up harlot from the books I used to read growing up.

"But that isn't the case, is it? You love me, sure, but you also love Jean, and no matter which way you lean, he's always going to be your daughter's father." He was right. God, I hated that he was right. Not because Jean was a father to Odette, that wasn't something I'd ever regret, but because I couldn't commit to either side. I was a selfish piece of shit. I knew that. I hated that.

"L..Levi, I-"

A knock at the door cut me off, and I aggressively began wiping at my face, already hearing my little girl's babbling from the hallway.

"One moment." Levi called for them to wait, pulling me to a stand as he rose from the floor. Brushing my hair back from my face, he pressed a delicate kiss to my lips, his hand resting for a few long moments against cheek. "My feelings won't, regardless of choice or circumstance. My shit has nothing to do with you or your choices, because it's just that. My shit. My issue. Now, pull yourself together."

He moved slowly towards the door, giving me enough time to try and calm myself before it opened, revealing Odette and Jean.
"Sorry to interrupt. You ready to go, or do you need a bit longer?" Jean had really mastered the art of acting entirely unphased, even though I knew that he was nervous about every interaction between myself and the Captain. Again, I hated it. I hated this.

"She's all yours." Levi strode past them and out of the room, squishing Odette's head down a little with his hand, and Jean looked me over, his brow creasing a bit.
"You okay? You don't look too well..." That was an understatement, though I was certain I felt a good ten times worse than I looked.

"Y..Yeah, I'm just overtired. Let's head off."

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Once Odette was in bed, fast asleep, and Verena had also retired for the night, I decided I had to reveal the news to Jean. He had stayed for dinner, at Verena's request, and was about to leave for the barracks before I stopped him.

"I need to talk to you about something, and we definitely both need to be seated for it..." I announced as I dragged him to sit at the dining table, sitting opposite him with my hands clasped tightly in my lap.

"Oh..." His face fell, and it was rather obvious what he thought this conversation would entail.
"No, not that kind of something. No. Another...something...and I want you to know that it's perfectly okay to be upset, or mad, or hate me..."

Jean's brows furrowed, mouth a thin line as he began to fidget with the cuffs of his sleeves.
"You're honestly freaking me out with all this build-up." He was right. I just had to come out and say it like I had earlier.
"I'm almost positive I'm pregnant, and there's a chance you're not the f..father..." I squeezed my eyes shut as I spoke, waiting for his reaction.

Silence.

At least at first. Eventually, Jean released a long, shaky sigh, and I felt his hand move to cover mine atop the table.
"W..Well, first thing's first...Congratulations. Uh, you'll have to go on light duty, that's a given. Oh, and we'll need to get you to the doctor so we can find out when the baby is due-" Jean began to ramble, just like he always had when he was overwhelmed.

Squeezing the hand he had laid over mine, I finally looked up at him.
"Jean." I called his name, which caused him to immediately still and snap his eyes to mine. "You-"
"I..I don't care if Levi's the father. That's...I can live with that. You told him, right? That was why you looked sick when Odd and I came to get you from his office. What did he say?"

Swallowing, I forced myself to maintain eye contact. Running from problems was an issue I had struggled with in the past, and I needed to break that habit.
"Yeah...Yeah, I did..." I breathed out, feeling another bout of nausea threaten to bubble from my guts. "He's...being Levi about it. You know how he is..."

Jean was too good of a man. He had changed so much, but that fierce determination never once fell short.
"W..Well if it turns out it's...and he doesn't..." He struggled around choice of words, bottom lip being battered around by his teeth. "I'm really freakin' bad with talking about this stuff, but you know what I want to say, right?"

Yeah, that you'll step up. Again.

I dragged a shaky hand down my face, fingers weaving through my hair as the warmth of fresh tears clung to my skin. My voice cracked, barely more than a breath.
"I'm the worst kind of person..." Jean's grip on my hand tightened, steady, grounding.
"No, you're not-"

"Don't. Just don't." I cut him off, my voice trembling. "Jean, I am. I'm awful. I've been stringing you and Levi along like it's nothing, like your hearts aren't on the line. I was too selfish to choose, so I didn't. I let you both love me while I kept one foot in each world." I finally pulled my hand from his, ashamed to even feel his touch. "You adopted Odette with me. You gave me a family, and I'm still here...messing everything up. Playing with your life like it's not breaking you."

Silence settled between us again, thick, heavy, the kind that didn't just sit in the room but weighed on your chest. The only sound was my breathing, uneven as I fought to keep myself from crumbling completely.

Then Jean finally spoke, his voice rough like he'd been holding it in too long. "People like us...we weren't meant to survive this long, were we?" His eyes didn't meet mine. "This fucking hurts. And yeah, I get angry. Anxious. Jealous, even. Of course I do."

We really weren't...and I know...

He leaned forward, elbows on the table, his hand squeezing tighter, voice dropping lower.
"I know you'd be better off with me. I do. And listen, I respect Levi. I do. But as a husband? A father? If there's one thing I can beat him at...it's that. I'd give you everything. I already have."

My throat tightened, instinct almost forcing me to leap to Levi's defense. The words were right there, sharp and ready. But I swallowed them back. Because this wasn't about who was right anymore. This whole thing was a tangled, bleeding mess, and my heart was too bruised to pick a side without shattering all over again.
"J..Jean..." My voice cracked, so soft it barely counted as a whisper. "I'm sorry..."

He flinched like the words burned him. Then, without another sound, he pulled away, arms snapping back to his chest like he couldn't bear the contact anymore. His fists clenched as he stood from the table, jaw tight with everything he wasn't saying.

"R... Right." His voice scraped out through gritted teeth, his eyes locked on the wooden floorboards like they were the only thing keeping him grounded. His jaw was set, tense and sharp. "I'll come by after my meeting with Pyxis tomorrow morning to p..pick up Odette. Don't worry, my mom'll have her back before dinner..."

His tone was hollow. Empty. And it was all because of me. Jean had finally hit his breaking point, and as much as it tore through me, I couldn't blame him. Not one bit. All I could manage was a fragile hum in response as he turned away. The soft click of the door closing behind him came a few moments later, gentle, despite everything. Like he couldn't bring himself to slam it.

I sat there, frozen at the small wooden dining table, tears tracing slow, steady paths down my cheeks. My stomach churned with that awful, crawling nausea, the kind that came from more than just pregnancy. It was guilt. Guilt that coiled like smoke in my lungs and refused to let me breathe. I almost didn't hear the soft footsteps padding in from the hallway.

"Oh, sweetheart..." Verena's voice was like warm silk brushing against my raw nerves. She reached out, her hand settling gently on my shoulder. "Did it not go well?" I couldn't speak. I just shook my head, slow and silent, because I knew the second I opened my mouth, I'd fall apart completely.

I made this mess. This was the consequence. Jean deserves someone whole. Levi doesn't even know what he wants either...and me? I'm a devil. Just not the kind you'd be proud of, Dad...

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***I accidentally slipped and fell back into the AOT mindset after finding an Eld Jinn figure I'd been hunting for almost a decade xD When I tell you I've had 90% of this draft just sitting here for over a year - the switch up in writing style is harsh pffft.

I'm bored and have had so much crap going on, like having to replace all my front top teeth with a plate, insomnia and other shite that I thought I'd dial the drama up to 11, even if it involves a disgustingly cliché thing like a baby.

Next Time: Festively Plump***