"Let me come! Let me come! I wanna I wanna I wanna..!" Sasha tugged desperately at my jacket, on her knees and almost sobbing.
"You know I want to take you, Sash...but you know I'd get my ass kicked flat. If you don't get those stains out, Levi's gonna actually murder you." I grimaced at the memory of the rude wake up call I had received that morning.

Somehow, I had fallen asleep at the dining table, and I had nearly toppled off the chair when I heard the captain laying into Sasha from upstairs. The dear idiot had stashed half of a beetroot under her pillow, for a midnight snack. Right against her white sheets. Even I would have cried in that position, because clean linen was one of the few things Levi was actually openly passionate about. I was honestly surprised she still had her head.

"But it won't come out!" Sasha wailed, falling to the floor when I finally managed to free myself.
"Well, we did try to warn you, Sasha..." Armin murmured, giving her a look of pity from where he sat at the table, across from Eren and; surprise surprise, Mikasa.
"I might tag along, if you don't have any objections." Jean announced, throwing his apron onto the kitchen bench. "Sure beats cleaning imaginary filth..."

I had decided to go out for a hunt. It had been months since I had done such a thing, and I felt like a little meat would do everyone some good. So, equipped with my odm gear, a burlap sack and a few knives, I was ready to head out.
"If you want. Just don't scare off the game." I shrugged, leaning against the door frame to wait for him to gear up.
"Did the Captain actually say you could go, (Y/N)?" Eren asked me, and damn, did I want to spit back at him. He had left me alone after I almost choked him to death, but alas, good things never seemed to last.
"Haven't spoken to him. Don't care. He can suck on my mythical dick if he's got any problems with it."

I actually hadn't directly spoken to Levi since the day before, in the study. Nor had I really interacted with Jean. Avoiding them seemed to have been the best option for me the night before, because my mood had managed to be lightened by Historia. I knew it couldn't last forever, but keeping my distance had helped me to settle down, just a tad.

"Ooh, we've got a badass over here..!" Connie laughed, shooting me a humerous round of finger guns.
"I really find your position fascinating, (Y/N)...You get away with so much. I don't think I've seen you follow many orders at all." Armin mused, setting his book down on the table. Growing a little impatient, I folded my arms, turning to look outside rather than the blond boy.
"I only listen if it suits my own opinion on the matter." I replied curtly. "I don't exactly like the thought of having the chain of command around my neck."

When Jean finally reappeared, fitted with his gear and pulling on his jacket, I was already halfway down the path towards the stable. Part of me was glad that I had accepted his assistance, but I was also feeling kind of nervous. I knew there was definitely something between us, but I hadn't a clue what it was, or what it could become.

"Hey, Dia..." I gave Arcadia a little attention before I wandered down to Liberty's stall, glad to see that she was already set up with her tack and ready to go. Historia had been more than happy to get her ready for me, as I had absolutely no idea how to fasten it correctly. Jean didn't take long in getting his own horse sorted, and before I knew it, we were already halfway to the forested area, where I was hoping we would find some decent prey.

"So, what are we hunting for, anyway? I've only ever really gone after some big ass boar...but Sasha got to it first..." Jean finally broke the silence as he cantered along beside me, and I shrugged.
"Anything edible, really. We don't have any trapping equipment, so smaller game isn't really on the cards." I replied, indifferent to his lack of experience. I'd been there.

"I reckon we'd be heroes if we got a boar, or anything around that size. I don't even know what hangs around these parts." Jean was really trying to keep a conversation going, but I could tell he had his mind elsewhere. I did too, now that I was alone in his company, but I had set myself a goal.

Reaching the forest edge, I dismounted and tied Liberty to a tree branch, giving myself a quick pat down to make sure I still had everything.
"Neither do I, but hopefully something that isn't too difficult to find..." I mumbled, stretching as Jean hitched Arcadia and came to stand by my side.
"Well, you're the expert, so after you."

Is he trying to be a gentleman? Why did he even come if he isn't a hunter?

Rolling my eyes, I launched myself into full swing, keeping a sharp lookout for any movement on the ground, or even in the trees.
"Are you gonna swoop it like a titan, or-"
"Jean, shut up. We won't find a damn thing if you're flapping your gums." I hissed, shooting him a glare from over my shoulder.
"Well shit, sorry...I was just cu-"
"Zzzzzzzip it!"

After about half an hour or so, that forced silence worked in our favour. The poor guy almost collided into my back when I perched myself against the side of a tree, holding my hand up to make sure he'd keep his voice down. Below, what appeared to be a feral goat was nosing around in the tufts of grass, completely oblivious.

"What the hell is a goat doing in here?" When Jean whispered into my ear, a shiver tickled down my spine, and I almost made a noise. Leaning back, I tilted my head a little to respond, not wanting to take my eyes off the target.
"It probably strayed from a nearby farm. It's kind of skinny, but it would work for a..." I trailed off once I finally glanced towards Jean, realising that our faces were dangerously close. Whipping my head back around, I swallowed that thick lump down and his my heated cheeks. "...it would work for a few meals..."

Holy shit, that was too close!

Slowly, I moved my hand grip down towards my holsters, preparing to clip on a blade and go for the kill. It wasn't a very big animal, but if I kept my eyes on it, I could easily take it down in one move.
"Get ready to head it off if I miss." I whispered, not giving my company a chance to respond as I sent an anchor shooting out to a tree a few metres behind where the goat foraged. The moment I saw its ears prick up, I was off, but that was the last thing I could really remember before I was kneeling on top of it.

Panting, I watched in hazy surprise as the feral goat rattled, huffing out a final, laboured breath as the blood trickled from its throat, where my blade stuck right through.

Back at it again with the mental blackouts...

"Okay, I've gotta say it...You're scary fast, ya know that?!" Jean landed a few feet away, not at all gracefully, and spun to look at me. "How the fuck did you find it in all this?!" Clueless, I blinked up at him for a bit, trying to understand what he meant.
"I'm gonna need you to elaborate. Actually, just give me a detailed recount, it might work better."

I was already wearing down his patience, just like old times, and it would have been a lie if I had said I didn't find it just a little entertaining.
"D..did you like, space out or something?! You missed, I missed, then boom! You went full abnormal bitch mode and chased the fucker down!" Jean's arms were flailing about in complete exasperation, and I just knelt there, nodding my head as though it were completely normal. "I lost sight of you for a second and you were just...gone! Don't freak me out like that, idiot!"

Freak you out..?

"You worrying about me again, Jean-Boy?" I laughed, finally regaining my usual demeanor and tugging my blade free from the goat's neck. Thanks to my pressure on the body, blood spurted out in a heavier stream than expected, and I ended up receiving an unpleasant shower of crimson.
"For fucks sake..." Jean smacked his hand against his face as I spluttered, falling right back onto my ass in the dirt. "You go from zero to one hundred...right back to zero..."

"Okay, that's not fair. I at least sit at about a three...A four, on a good day..." I huffed, sitting back up on my knees and picking my blade up again. "Anyway, may as well carve it up here. Levi would serve us for dinner if we bring back a bloody corpse."
"He's already gonna lay into you for that..." The copperette motioned to my appearance, which was honestly not much different from the goat.

Unphased, I began my work. It was safe to say that Jean was disgusted by the casual way I unzipped the creature's guts, using the flat edge of my sword to scoop it out into a pile beside it.
"Hey, you grabbed a bag, right? Stick the liver and intestines in there for me, 'kay? Oh, also the balls and the spleen...Heck, all of it'll do..." I just continued giving him directions, oblivious to the strange way he was staring at me, amidst his scrunched up expressions.

"So...you did this all by yourself..? As a kid? Hunting, killing...gutting..?" My hand paused as I reached for my smaller knife, holding in a small breath before I released it in preparation to answer.
"Well, it took a while to get the hang of it...but yeah...My big brother used to tell me all about survival techniques and stuff when I was little...Though, I didn't really start cooking it until I was a bit older..."

Great, I just told him I ate raw animals...Lovely...

Crouching down across from me, Jean began to use his own sword to awkwardly scrape the gizzards into his burlap bag.
"That's...actually incredible..." He murmured, gagging dramatically when I glob of guts splattered onto his boot. "I guess I don't give you enough credit for your skills..."

Clicking my tongue, I barely glanced up as I quickly skimmed the animal. My face was beginning to heat up again, and I didn't want him to notice.
"It's just instinct, I guess. Wouldn't call it skill..." I grunted through that word as I hacked off some of the flesh of the breast. "When you're alone for so long, you just...learn things. I guess it makes it easier."

It still seems kind of easier...

Jean just watched me for a while, seemingly unsure how he could be of more assistance. I had to admit, I wasn't fond of the task, but it was still normal for me. Piece by piece, my sack was almost full, with much of the carcass still remaining.

"As much as I hate wasting a good kill, I think we'll have to leave it at that..." I sighed, hearing my legs click a little as I stood up, using my pants leg to clean the sides of my blade. "Pity, we probably only have enough for Sasha." Not really responding to my joke, Jean followed me in standing, though he seemed tense.
"Do...you still feel alone here..?" His question threw me off more than I would have liked, and I hurried to walk towards the thicker growth of trees, sheathing my sword and tying the bag, placing it back on the ground so I coud check on my straps.

"I'm not really sure what you expect me to say. I'm surrounded by you lot all the time, aren't I?" My attempt at disguising my true thoughts were in vain; I knew that, but I didn't want to admit it. Every time I felt like I had something, or someone, good in my life, they would perish. How could I not feel alone?
"You know full well what I mean, (Y/N)." Jean muttered with faint agitation, approaching me from the side. "Yesterday, when I asked you about wanting to have a normal life...I could see it. You're not that great at lying..."

He just kept on coming, and I sidled my way up against the rough trunk of one of the trees, avoiding contact with his eyes at all cost. They reminded me of the earth. A very similar shade to what Eld's once had been. My intake of breath was slow, yet incredibly long as Jean reached out, pushing me so that I would be facing him in full. His hand remained pressed to the front of my shoulder, and he was so close. To me, there was an invisible line between too close and not close enough.

"H..heh...You saying you know me better than I know myself, Kirstein..?" I was petrified. A little by fear, and a lot by the way his gaze seemed to dip just slightly below my (E/C) eyes. This was a whole different feeling than what I had experienced the day before, and I wasn't quite sure how to respond to it. It was fight or flight...or fall.

"Sometimes...yeah...I think I do..." Jean murmured so distractedly, it was almost alarming. He was leaning in, and my head would have possibly moved backwards if it hadn't been blocked by the tree behind it. I wasn't quite sure, but I could feel my heart speed up, and it matched the frightening pace that it had thundered when I had been trapped beneath the captain's boot.

Is this...excitement..? Or...fear..?

The first graze of his lips was so light, it was like they had barely touched at all, in reality. Even so, I could feel that sharp, electrifying jolt spread through my nerves. One that was masked as foreign, even though it was extremely familiar. Jean gave me time; a few seconds, to fight him off if I was against the action, but that was hardly enough. There was no way I had the ability to decipher all of those mixed emotions in such a short space of time.

Again, those warm, slightly parched lips made contact, and this time they moved against mine, almost delicately. His hand that was keeping me against the tree had little to no real force behind it, which made it obvious that he wasn't trying to pressure me into reciprocation, but I still felt cornered.

For a fleeting moment, my lips returned his affections, but that was all. Panic flooded my system in a rush so violent that I couldn't take it. Pushing him away so abruptly hurt; both him and me, but I couldn't do it. Not yet. Maybe not at all. My hand flew to my mouth, covering where he had so gently, yet so unnecessarily tried to comfort me. Even though the drying goat's blood on my fingers and face smeared further, down towards my neck, I couldn't even manage to move from that frozen pose.

It's too much...It's too soon...It's too much of a risk...I can't believe I almost fell for it...This is the world's way of saying that you're next...

Jean didn't let the hurt take over his face. Instead, he just swallowed, making sure his bag of gizzard was hooked firmly to his belt, before giving me one last look.
"I'm sorry..." I heard him launch into the air, back towards the direction where we had hitched our horses, yet I still couldn't move. Sliding down, I landed with a quiet thud as my rear hit the ground, and I pulled my knees up towards my chest.

"F..fuck..." It was all my scrambled mind could think to vent out. I liked Jean. He was somebody I trusted, and he looked out for me, even though he did it in such a belligerent manner. He was someone who gave me those cursed feelings, deep in my chest, that always meant that something was about to be lost. My fear was one of two things that had kept me from falling into his blatant admittance of affection. The other reason was far more complex.

What would have happened...if that had been Levi..?

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***I did my Jean-Boy dirty and I feel sad. Anyway, there's plenty more drama to come, that's for sure...
There's honestly so many people pushing for Levi content and, yes, this is me being a bitch to you - no bad vibes intended. Your time will come, probably sooner (or later) than you may think.***