"You're going to fall, (Y/N)..." Jean grumbled, shooting me a glare whilst he swept non-existent dust from the divots between the floorboards. He was probably right. I was standing on the tips of my toes, up on the table, trying to reach the ceiling with my duster.
"Yeah, well, what's one more hit to the head?" I shrugged, my tongue poking out from the side of my lips as I flailed the cleaning device around hopelessly.

"Death, you idiot..." Jean sighed, and I heard the clink of him dropping the broom, turning to watch him walk over with his hand held out. "Give it here. We'll switch." Our eyes narrowed in unison as I pulled the duster to my chest, letting my stubborn nature clash with his.
"I'm perfectly capable of reaching, Kirstein..." I huffed, pausing for a moment, realising something.

Well, I rode on Oluo's shoulders to reach that spider...so technically I did it myself...kind of...

"Turn around." I tilted my head, not letting my expression tip him off. Skeptically, the man obeyed, and the moment his back was to me, I vaulted on, causing him to stumble a little in surprise.
"Wh..what the hell are you-"
"I'm being resourceful." I cut him off with a smug chuckle, beginning to dust to my hearts content as he awkwardly held onto my ankles in fear I would fall off. "Move left, there's a cobweb in the corner."

Defeated, and rather stiff, Jean did what I asked, and I quickly noticed his grip relaxing. I allowed my eyes to trail down to his copper hair, appreciating the colour more than I thought. He was definitely an attractive young man, with his longer jaw and tall build, and I couldn't deny the fact that I had been getting that warm, tingly sensation around him in the recent weeks.

I know it's selfish...but...I wanna see if I get that same feeling...

"O..oi...lean back, would ya?" Jean hunched his shoulders a bit, which made me press further forward. It was then that I noticed my chest was resting upon his head, and I smirked to myself.
"Don't tell me I'm making you tight below the belt, Jean-Boy..?" I teased, even though my own face was heating up.
"You're a girl...Not my fault..." He muttered under his breath, but boy did I hear it loud and clear.

Gah...I can't do this...It's not right...I don't even know how I feel...

Leaning back a little, I pointed towards the opposite corner, threading my free fingers through his hair so I could keep myself from toppling off, just like I had done with Mike.
"Just gotta get those webs over there and I'll be out of your hair...Literally." At least I received a small snort at my joke as he moved as directed, and his movements were slow and steady, just for my sake.

"Hey...Can I ask you something..?" He spoke up after a while, just as I curled the last of the spider silk around my duster.
"Sure, I suppose I could humour you for a minute or two." I joked, kind of leaning to the side to see his face. He was looking down at the ground, shuffling his feet.
"Do you ever...think about what life would have been like if we never joined the military? Like, getting a normal job, starting a family...Those kinds of things? Is all of this really worth missing out on that?"

His question took me by surprise, and I began to chew the inside of my cheek as I thought about it. Those had been my exact plans with Eld, once upon a time. I had constantly dreamed of leaving the military life alongside him, getting married and having a couple of kids. A life without blood and violence, and one I had never known.

Unhooking my legs from his hands, I slid down his back, but for some reason I left my forehead pressed against him.
"I did...once...Now, though? Nothing would have worked out that well for me, even if I hadn't been pushed into this. Nothing is really worth it, when push comes to shove. No matter how we live, we all end up in the same place..."

Is that...really what I think..?

Jean was silent for a while, but I waited patiently for him to respond. The way his skin slightly twitched told me he was trying to form something that wouldn't start an argument.
"Well...I think about it every day..." He murmured, turning slightly to catch my eye from over his shoulder. "I hate knowing that I could die at any given moment. I hate that Marco lost his life, and nobody could tell him apart from any other poor bastard in that bonfire...and I really hate that you've had to suffer so much already..."

A feeling swelled from the depths of my chest, but it wasn't the same as what had sparked between me and Levi. This was more of a comforting warmth than a blistering flame, and I couldn't make heads nor tails of it.
"It's..." I offered him a small smile, with nothing genuine behind it. "...not something I'm unfamiliar with, so it's manageable...I get what you mean, though..."

That warmth pulsed as he turned around completely, standing tall before me with his lips forming a flat line.
"Why were you outside the walls, (Y/N)?" I knew that question had been coming, but that pang of fear wasn't any less noticable. "I can't keep trying to pick apart every stupid decision you make unless you tell me. It's driving me nuts...What happened to you?"

Why the hell do you care? You used to hate me...What changed?

"Nicholas and my father pushed me and my brother from Wall Maria when I was a kid." My mouth took complete control, and I had spoken before I even realised it. "He took the brunt of the fall and died instantly. I just...survived, I guess. I promised I would..." The way Jean's face fell was expected, and so were the words that he spoke.
"Sh..shit, (Y/N)...I'm so so-" Lifting my hand, I shushed him, still wearing that ghost of a smile as I shook my head.

"I don't need any more pity." I stated firmly, turning to begin dusting the table, where my boots had been. "You asked, and I felt like you deserved an answer this time. Save the apologies for when you really do something wrong."

My pulse matched the steps Jean took until he was right behind me, and my throat felt clogged up when I saw his shadow overtake my own over the wooden surface of the table. It was only a mere second, but when his lips pressed hurriedly against my cheek, it was as though it lasted an age.
"Sorry." That single word faded out as Jean quickly made his leave, and I stood silently; my duster frozen mid-sweep, with wide eyes.

That...wasn't enough to apologise for, you idiot...

-------------------------------------------

"Come on! You've been acting kind of funny all day, (Y/N)! I just want to do something fun with you!" I begrudgingly allowed Historia to drag me along towards the barn, allowing my boots to scuff the ground in a wordless protest. I had avoided going into the barn since we had arrived that morning, and I had my reasons. It made my heart ache knowing I wouldn't see my Boy in there.

When the selfless blonde had found me, I had been staring out of the window, kind of like an unknowing widow, waiting for a husband that would never return from war. That was how Connie had described my appearance, anyway. She had pleaded with me to join her, seeing as Levi had agreed to give us all a break, and I just couldn't bring myself to say no.

"So, the point of coming in here is..?" I shook my wrist once she released me, and she hurried to grab a small stack of cardboard, which had been cut into rectangles.
"Well, I heard a rumour that you were really good at naming horses...and I thought that perhaps we could have some fun and make name plates for all of ours. What do you think?" Her hopeful tone made me feel bad, because I definitely wasn't thrilled with the idea. I hadn't even considered naming my new mount, knowing that she would likely perish after a few expeditions.

"I...don't know, Kristoria..." I rubbed the back of my neck, looking down at the ground. "I mean, why can't you guys name them yourselves..?" Her face fell, and I almost cracked then and there, but I managed to steel myself against her puppy dog eyes.
"But it was the Captain's idea! He suggested that this might help you to feel a little more yourself..."

Levi thought of this? Dammit, what's gotten into him..?

Heaving a long, disgruntled sigh, I dragged my feet over to the first stall, being welcomed by a familiar black muzzle sticking out over the gate.
"This is Mire...I named him ages ago..." I mumbled, rolling my eyes upon hearing Historia's excited squeak as she rushed to grab the quill and ink, which I noticed she had prepared by a lone barrel near the doors.
"I knew you were great at names!" I turned to meet her precious smile, and I couldn't help but give her a meager one in return. "If you just relax, this could really be fun, I promise!"

You're in danger now, aren't you, Princess? Why are you so...optimistic..?

Leaving Mire with a few pats, I moved along to Sasha's horse in the next stall. I still couldn't understand how I could tell all of them apart, as a fair few of them looked far too identical, but I just knew.
"This guy...is gonna be Nosh. If he belongs to Sash, then it's gotta be food related, right..?"

Maybe...this could be a little entertaining...

"Ah, so cute! Nnnnnnosh!" Historia grinned as she wrote the new name down, and I laughed softly, shaking my head as I continued down the line.
"Connie's could be...Bold? I dunno...These aren't that good..." I tilted my head, brushing a tuft of the gelding's mane from his face.
"No, keep going! It suits both of them perfectly..." The girl egged me on, her little tongue poking out as she wrote.

"Nous for Armin's girl. I think it means intellect...If it doesn't, then at least it's a unique name..." I stretched my arms over my head, releasing a slow hiss as my bum shoulder pulled a little too much. "...and Mikasa's should be something like...Sentry. Y'know, because she's always guarding that shifter prick..."

Pausing for a moment, Historia looked over to me and frowned a little.
"You really don't like Eren, do you, (Y/N)?" She asked, though I could tell it was rhetorical. Leaning against one of the stall doors, I allowed the said man's horse nudge at the back of my head, messing my (H/C) hair.
"I have my reasons, and I promise, they're solid..." I sighed, not exactly wanting to go into detail. "This one is now Tawdry."

"D..doesn't that mean unpleasant..?" The blond pulled a face, and I nodded, returning a look that told her that I wouldn't be changing my mind. Pushing off the wooden gate, I crossed the barn to the opposite row of stalls, coming to Historia's own mare.
"This one is definitely a Treasure, if ever I've seen one." I glanced over to the girl, who perked up at the name I had chosen. It reflected her angelic demeanor flawlessly.

"Hey, (Y/N)...I wanted to ask you something, but I wasn't quite sure how to bring it up without sounding insensitive..." She placed the quill in the inkwell, giving me her full attention. I approached, stopping a few feet away and fiddling with the latch of one of the empty stalls.
"I mean, even if it does, I'll know you don't mean to be, so go for it." There could have been any number of things she could have asked, but I wasn't quite expecting what ended up leaving the girl's mouth.

"I...know people have been asking how you've been since...well, losing your big brother, and the castle, and your horse...and of course, your injuries...but...I wanted to know how you were doing when it comes to..to Reiner and Bertholdt..." Their names stung like a papercut, right in the centre of my chest. I had to internally scream to remind myself she didn't mean any harm, or to upset me. "I..I just know how close you guys were...a..and I'm so sorry if that was out of line..! It's just, I heard you trying to talk to him that day...when Y..Ymir had me...and I wanted to know if you were okay...and that I'm here to talk if you need it..."

You know what, Historia..?

"I'm...actually alright about it." I answered sincerely, moving closer and coming to stand beside her. "I mean, it fucking hurts. Like, really bad...but...it happened...and the more I come to terms with it, the better I'll get. I should probably ask the same about you, though...I know you and Ymir were close, too..." The sad smile she offered me told me she wasn't at all okay, but of course, that wasn't what she would tell me.
"I'm glad to hear that you're getting through it...I'm alright, too. I know Ymir will be just fine. She's really strong, so I know I'll get to see her again someday."

You're lying through your teeth, blondie...but...I can't blame you...

Leaving it at that, to avoid any more dark thoughts for either of us, I backtracked, stopping in front of an occupied stall.
"Arcadia..." I murmured, reaching out to run my hand down the bay's neck.
"Ar..cadia..? What does that name mean..?" Historia had returned to her writing, but was watching and waiting for some kind of explanation.
"I guess...it's another word for Paradise...I know that's what Jean wants for the world...so it's a fit..."

A paradise...with a normal job...a normal family...a normal life...

"It's pretty..." Historia agreed, placing the finished sign with the others. "Okay, there's one left! Yours!" Hesitantly, I approached the final stall, feeling a pang in my chest when the mare shifted over to greet me with a friendly nicker. Her blood bay coat was definitely striking; a completely different shade than the standard military horses, and her eyes were bright, just like my old Boy's had been. It hurt.

"I think..." I hummed quietly, allowing the mare to lip at my hand before I turned around. "...I want you to name her. It...doesn't feel right..."
"Oh! Uh, wow, okay then! If you're sure! I actually have just the name for her!" I was a little taken aback as Historia jotted down her idea, and I gravitated towards her, painfully curious. I actually jumped when she leapt upright, holding the makeshift name plate out so I could read it.

"Lib..erty..? Liberty..?" I blinked a few times, glancing between the fancy lettering and my new horse. "I like the name...but why..?"
"You're just so...you! I don't know how to put it exactly. You just seem so wild! Wait, that's not it...Free! You don't take orders unless you feel like it, and you don't bend to convention! I think it would be the perfect name for your new partner!" Historia paused, shrinking down as I stared at her in awe. "U..unless you don't think it would be a good fit..?"

A genuine smile pulled my lips upward, albeit small, and I nodded in agreement.
"When you put it like that, I'm sold!"

Though, I wouldn't say I have much liberty anymore...It's only a matter of time before I bend and break...

Clapping her hands together, the blonde came up and grabbed my hand again, pulling me towards the doors.
"I'm so glad! Let's go find something to hang them on the gates, so we can surprise the others..!" This time, I didn't drag my feet, and I even giggled a bit when I saw the enjoyment on the girl's face. Even if it was just for a short time, I could forget about the weight on my shoulders. I could pretend I wasn't second in command. I didn't have to dwell on betrayal and an ever-breaking heart. I could forget about a boot on my body and a kiss to my cheek.

I need to remember...that things aren't always so bad...

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***Pfffft, you'll eat your words, (Y/N)...

Also, this is how I picture the new horse, Liberty! I was super bored and my daughter was watching horse movies all day, so it resulted in equine brain:

Anyway, this was just a pointless filler until I added in the Jean scene and the chat with Kristoria at the last minute. I hate spurting out meaningless chapters without some addition to the story.

ALSO THANKS FOR 50K READS THIS STORY IS MY LITERARY BABY ***