I wasn't sure how long it had been.

The room was dark and dusty, each breath difficult to take, not only due to that, but because of how loudly I had screamed. My body was now numb, apart from the thick, sticky gore that coated my hands, clothing and part of my face.

I stared into the dirty green material that covered Erwin's body, the wings of freedom so painfully ironic. The air reeked of blood, and I knew I would smell it for hours, days, maybe even weeks to come. Hange and Floch had assisted me in carrying his body into one of the abandoned houses, as I had refused to allow Levi to touch him.

Part of me knew it hadn't been his fault. Not entierly. Still, my mind, broken and exhausted, placed the blame upon him, alongside the Beast Titan. Eren and Mikasa, too. It was strange. This time it all felt different. My tears had been minimal, and my acceptance had been quick. It didn't hurt any less, but still, it was different.

What hurt the most was that I knew we likely couldn't bring Erwin home to be buried. That was probably why I was laying there, cuddled up to his lifeless corpse. Pathetic, and wrong in so many ways, but I felt like I had to. For the both of us.

"(Y/N)..?" When Jean entered the room, I didn't respond, just listened to his footsteps slow to a stop. "I...brought you some water...and I have some bandages here..." The one thing I appreciated was that he didn't ask if I was okay. I wasn't, not at all, but I was glad he didn't push for an answer.

Slowly, I sat up, one hand still resting atop the covered commander. Dragging my eyes to him, I could see he was worried.
"Thanks..." Sighing, I shifted to the end of the bed and got to my feet, wincing as the movement set off a chain reaction of pain. Jean motioned for me to sit in the chair across the room, and once I had he crouched down in front of me.

His arm was in a sling, but still he intended on patching me up. I didn't deserve it.
"Can I see your side?" He asked gently, and I lifted my shirt, revealing the inflamed wound, still speckled with dirt. "Okay, let me wash it out, then I'll wrap it up..."

Shaking my head, I took the flask from his hands, stretching myself back in my seat and pouring a little over the bloody slit.
"You're crippled. I can do it myself, okay?" I wasn't being snappy, or aggressive in any way. I didn't have the energy for it.

Hating the world is so tiresome...

Jet back, allowing me to patch myself up, assisting only when he felt it neccessary. As I was wrapping my cut neck, he cleared his throat, rising from the floor.
"Uh...Armin woke up...and Eren, Mikasa, Hange and Levi went to find that cellar..."

Humming in response, I didn't let it show that I was hurting, leaning back in the chair.
"Okay. What about Sasha? Is she doing okay?" The last I had seen, she had still been out cold. Jean seemed kind of confused by my reactions, but chose to keep quiet for the time being.
"She's in and out, but she'll live. She took a nasty hit to the head."

My nods were so vacant. I knew it, but I couldn't stop it. I was trying to hold myself together. Despite having accepted my father's death, it was still as fresh as the metallic tang in the air. I just knew I had to be strong for once in my life, for his sake.

"How's your arm?" I looked at Jean's sling, and he flexed his fingers a little, seeming diatracted.
"Yeah...it's just a bit sore...(Y/N), you're, well, awfully calm..." I knew it had been coming, and I stood up, walking around him to stand at the bedside.

Erwin looked so peaceful, even though I couldn't see his face. I half expected him to sit up, and give me that charming smile, ready to welcome me into his single armed embrace once more.
"Jean...do you agree with what Floch said..? Was Erwin a devil to you..?"

We need a devil...

The long silence following my question wasn't uncomfortable to me, and I waited patiently for his answer.
"In a way...y..yeah...I think he kinda was..." I admired his honesty. Heaving a sigh, I took one final look at the lifeless form of my father before turning, starting towards the door.
"Then I have a lot to live up to as the devil's daughter, huh..?"

On my way past, Jean reached out and took hold of my hand. He was gentle, not forcing me to stop. It was more like a request.
"You...are no devil, (Y/N)..." I was worrying him, and I should have felt bad about it, but it wasn't intentional. I was just speaking my thoughts.

I waited for him to release my hand, and blew a loose (H/C) strand from my face.
"I'm sure a lot of people disagree with you..." My eyes flittered over to Erwin for truly the last time, the tip of my tongue falling prey to my clenched teeth. "...I'm sure he saw it, too..."

I was in no rush to climb the wall once we left the building, but once we had reached the top, I lingered away from the others, knowing I wasn't prepared to see Armin yet. I just stared across the field, now painted a harsh, browning crimson. I could see Erwin's decimated stallion. I could see limbs and organs dappled like blooming poppies. A disgusting addition to our vile history.

Was it worth it, dad..?

Time escaped me as I stood there, lost in empty thoughts, until I heard the faint click of boots approaching me from the side. Turning, I came face to face with Connie, and nothing was said between us. He just opened his arms, and I stepped into them, accepting his warmth and support even though I wasn't sure if I needed it yet.

"We'll make this count. I swear." He sounded so determined, holding me close and minding my injuries. "You, me, all of us. We're gonna make this count." Settling against him, I closed my eyes, curling my fingers into the material of his jacket.
"Yeah..." It was all I could really say. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't be sure. It was hard to even begin to imagine.

"Do...you want to be alone? We get it, if you do..." He asked softly, tucking my hair behind my ear when he pulled back. I did, but it wouldn't help me. Being left alone with my own thoughts would be beyond detrimental.
"Well, we'll probably be gathered up when the others get back, so I may as well stick with you guys. Gotta stand guard in case the shifters want a second round..."

I followed Connie back to where the others were resting, umable to maintain eye contact with Armin when he looked over to me.
"(Y/N)...I..I'm sorry, I-"
"Why are you sorry? None of this was your fault. How are you feeling?" I meant it. He hadn't chosen, Levi had. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't lay the blame on the lucky boy.

Meek and fidgety, he stared down into his lap, clutching the cloak he had been given as a blanket.
"S..strange...I feel...really strange..." I couldn't blame him. Having been on the brink of death, who wouldn't feel strange after suddenly healing back to one hundred percent?

I sat myself down between Armin and Sasha, who was completely comatose, giving him a light pat on the shoulder.
"Give it a while. I'm sure you'll feel normal again..." I felt strange about it too. He had eaten Bertholdt. Devoured him like he was an afternoon snack. Turning my attention to Sasha, I brushed strands of hair from beneath her bandages. "You too, sweet girl. You'll feel better, too..."

Jean, who was sitting not too far away, stretched his legs out in front of him, the cracks of his joints loud.
"She's going to be okay. She told us to shut up before." He explained, catching my eye. He didn't say anything more, but I could still hear his silent question. 'Are you sure you're going to be okay?'.

I rolled my good shoulder in a secret shrug, shifting to lay on my side, cuddling up against Sasha. I was exhausted, but there was no way I would he able to sleep. With Erwin so close, I wanted to go back to how I had been for the past few hours, but I knew it was best that I didn't. Nobody would be able to tear me away if I went back there.

"They've been gone for a while. Should we try to find them, or..?" Floch piped up in question, and I shook my head, closing my eyes and trying to ignore the lingering scent of blood.
"They'll be back eventually. Let them take however long they need. Honestly, I don't really want them back for a while..."

Just thinking about Levi is hurting...

In my opinion, Levi had made the wrong choice, and that wasn't going to change. I cared for Armin, but not as much as I had for Erwin. Even then, my thoughts on the matter weren't purely selfish. Under Erwin's leadership, we had made it this far. He was the ultimate commander. The ultimate devil. Armin wasn't like that.

Sasha rolled a little, nuzzling into the crook of my neck, and I swallowed my slight hiss as she rubbed against the bandaged slice in my neck. Draping my arm over her, I traced absent circles against her sleeve, tongue pushing hard at the backs of my teeth.

"Whenever they do get back, don't bother me. Just fill me in whenever I decide that it's time to wake up..."

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***I don't like this chapter.

Also I got acrylic nails again today after months and I forgot how hard it is to learn to type with them again ;-;

Next Time: We Could Be Heroes***